it's a bad day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
it's a bad day
my daughter is still gone. it's been four days now. this morning i have had to take HER dog to the vet and cancel HER dentist appointment. I don't know if I am sad, or mad, or just over it. Part of me dreads the minute she does come back, and the other part of me listens for the door every second. I know when she comes home it will be the same old story....basically, it goes "where have you been"....answer "why do you care".
She has to know I care. She has to know it is killing me inside. Why doesn't she care???????? Yes i re-read what addicts do this morning. But today it is not helping. I dread seeing the listless look on her face, the red eyes, the over all "dirtyness" she has to her. She is not sleeping on the street. Of this I am sure of. To many stupid friends that will let her crash at their place. But at some point, when will they get tired of being her "parent". She has no money, no car, no job....so they are having to transport her, feed her, and give her a place to stay, not to mention supply her with her drugs.
I guess i am just having a bad day. When will my kid hit her bottom????? Today is one of those days NEED to know! My sence of logic tells me that no one can tell me that, heck she can't even tell me that. But, i am soooooo tired. Mentally and physically exhausted.
I'm tired.
I'm sad.
I'm mad.
I'm want a break from addiction!!!!!!!!
I want a break from being the one who suffers while she is out having her "fun"
I want to yell and scream at the top of my lungs!
I want to shake her until something in her head tells her to stop.
I want to go one day without crying.
today is not that day
She has to know I care. She has to know it is killing me inside. Why doesn't she care???????? Yes i re-read what addicts do this morning. But today it is not helping. I dread seeing the listless look on her face, the red eyes, the over all "dirtyness" she has to her. She is not sleeping on the street. Of this I am sure of. To many stupid friends that will let her crash at their place. But at some point, when will they get tired of being her "parent". She has no money, no car, no job....so they are having to transport her, feed her, and give her a place to stay, not to mention supply her with her drugs.
I guess i am just having a bad day. When will my kid hit her bottom????? Today is one of those days NEED to know! My sence of logic tells me that no one can tell me that, heck she can't even tell me that. But, i am soooooo tired. Mentally and physically exhausted.
I'm tired.
I'm sad.
I'm mad.
I'm want a break from addiction!!!!!!!!
I want a break from being the one who suffers while she is out having her "fun"
I want to yell and scream at the top of my lungs!
I want to shake her until something in her head tells her to stop.
I want to go one day without crying.
today is not that day
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
addicts are so amazingly resourceful, that is what is ironic when it comes to us using so much of our energy to take care of them. Look at them, the minute we finally shut off the tap, imagining all sorts of horrible things will now happen to them, they find themselves some other source of money for drugs, some other person to steal from, somewhere else to sleep.
The other thing is, they like to be with each other, I guess it sort of validates what they are doing, after all, wouldn't you rather be with people that hand you the drugs and say go ahead rather than tell you not to? When my exabf was on the verge of being kicked out of his parents house he had all the inhabitants of all the crack houses in town offering him a place to live. First off, they liked that he was generous with the drugs he bought, secondly he didn't even make much of a fuss when they stole from him, and thirdly, why the heck not have someone around who wants to use with you?
And I am sure, if one of those places had pressured him to pay some sort of rent, he would have just gone to another one.
I kept asking him, how on earth he met these people, who were not his friends or anything. It is like there is some network they have, an addict can probably show up in some new city and, without knowing anyone, find themselves a place to buy and use drugs within 5 minutes, they have antenna for it or something.
So, I doubt your daughter's pals will get sick of her, unless one of them decides it is time to get clean and they decide to clear the addicts out of their life. They all just seem to encourage each other to use, but when it comes to stopping, they have to step out of the whole thing and do it on their own.
it is hard, my daughter was somewhat homeless for about 2 months this fall and month or so last summer. I hated that there was nothing I could do for her. I just didn't have the resources, and honestly, I just felt like I might scrimp aside a hundred bucks from my own meager income, send it to her, and she would end up drinking it or drugging it away. She would complain about having no food, but then when there was a rave to go to she suddenly had money for the entry fee and whatever else came along with it. Priorities, all about what you want to spend your money on.
The other thing is, they like to be with each other, I guess it sort of validates what they are doing, after all, wouldn't you rather be with people that hand you the drugs and say go ahead rather than tell you not to? When my exabf was on the verge of being kicked out of his parents house he had all the inhabitants of all the crack houses in town offering him a place to live. First off, they liked that he was generous with the drugs he bought, secondly he didn't even make much of a fuss when they stole from him, and thirdly, why the heck not have someone around who wants to use with you?
And I am sure, if one of those places had pressured him to pay some sort of rent, he would have just gone to another one.
I kept asking him, how on earth he met these people, who were not his friends or anything. It is like there is some network they have, an addict can probably show up in some new city and, without knowing anyone, find themselves a place to buy and use drugs within 5 minutes, they have antenna for it or something.
So, I doubt your daughter's pals will get sick of her, unless one of them decides it is time to get clean and they decide to clear the addicts out of their life. They all just seem to encourage each other to use, but when it comes to stopping, they have to step out of the whole thing and do it on their own.
it is hard, my daughter was somewhat homeless for about 2 months this fall and month or so last summer. I hated that there was nothing I could do for her. I just didn't have the resources, and honestly, I just felt like I might scrimp aside a hundred bucks from my own meager income, send it to her, and she would end up drinking it or drugging it away. She would complain about having no food, but then when there was a rave to go to she suddenly had money for the entry fee and whatever else came along with it. Priorities, all about what you want to spend your money on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
sjr,
You're more than entitled to having a bad day, and this is the place to talk (SHOUT) about it.
I feel the same way with my AS. I too want an answer as to when he'll hit bottom, but as I'm learning from this group, only he'll be able to provide that information.
Do something nice for yourself today, even if it's just buying a magazine,or a candy bar.
My prayers are with you.
You're more than entitled to having a bad day, and this is the place to talk (SHOUT) about it.
I feel the same way with my AS. I too want an answer as to when he'll hit bottom, but as I'm learning from this group, only he'll be able to provide that information.
Do something nice for yourself today, even if it's just buying a magazine,or a candy bar.
My prayers are with you.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
(((SJR)))
The not knowing? Oh how I know that lack of control. I have always had a need to know. Which is really fear of not ever knowing.
"Oneeyeopen" really spoke to me with the talk about addict buddies. Made me remember the first time I had to see my son in a place like that. I couldn't fathom it.
Feelings of anxiety are my worst enemy. Stress, anger,tiredness, are all wrapped up in it I know, but the anxiety is what eats at me and controls my stinking thinking if I let it.
somedays it is incredibly hard to let go. somedays I actually feel peace ( even with the not knowing) and yet each day is really no different than any other. My AS hasn't changed his behavior. so why is one day easier? The only thing that changes is my decision to how I am going to react to it.
I used to believe that I had no control over the anxiety feelings. If things were going great I was peaceful, if things were bad it consumed me.
It got to the point where I was going to go crazy from it as my son worsened.
now I know how I choose to react to my feelings is a choice. Please do understand, I struggle with this one daily. but when i let my anxiety feelings rule me I am out of control again, and i can't live like that. so I keep working my program and finding peace where I can.
One thing that REALLY helps me ( don't know where you are with your Higher Power) was when I imagined my son's Higher Power walking with him. even in every bad decision, and bad place he went or slept, his Higher Power was there. I believe his higher Power is always working on him, holding him,and loves him, and is with him gently speaking to him. And his HP does it a lot better than I can so it helps me to stay out of his addicted life.
i work on it One Day at a time.
Prayers for you today. I understand the struggle
:praying
The not knowing? Oh how I know that lack of control. I have always had a need to know. Which is really fear of not ever knowing.
"Oneeyeopen" really spoke to me with the talk about addict buddies. Made me remember the first time I had to see my son in a place like that. I couldn't fathom it.
Feelings of anxiety are my worst enemy. Stress, anger,tiredness, are all wrapped up in it I know, but the anxiety is what eats at me and controls my stinking thinking if I let it.
somedays it is incredibly hard to let go. somedays I actually feel peace ( even with the not knowing) and yet each day is really no different than any other. My AS hasn't changed his behavior. so why is one day easier? The only thing that changes is my decision to how I am going to react to it.
I used to believe that I had no control over the anxiety feelings. If things were going great I was peaceful, if things were bad it consumed me.
It got to the point where I was going to go crazy from it as my son worsened.
now I know how I choose to react to my feelings is a choice. Please do understand, I struggle with this one daily. but when i let my anxiety feelings rule me I am out of control again, and i can't live like that. so I keep working my program and finding peace where I can.
One thing that REALLY helps me ( don't know where you are with your Higher Power) was when I imagined my son's Higher Power walking with him. even in every bad decision, and bad place he went or slept, his Higher Power was there. I believe his higher Power is always working on him, holding him,and loves him, and is with him gently speaking to him. And his HP does it a lot better than I can so it helps me to stay out of his addicted life.
i work on it One Day at a time.
Prayers for you today. I understand the struggle
:praying
I'm here of my own free will..
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 23
Sjr... I want to thank you. I know know how my mom felt when I was using. I will pray for your daughter and you. It's not that she doesn't care, she just doesn't know how to right now. The drugs truly take over her and its a disgusting disease. My family had an intervention for me. Maybe you could try that. Have you tried going to al-anon? They teach you that you need to take care of yourself, you can't take care of her if you can't function yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Just sending some big ole hugs. You know that you are powerless, but it does not make it any easier. Addicts do know how to get what they want. Say a prayer for her, give her to God and then take care of yourself. You know we can die from this disease too and we don't even have to touch a drug to do it. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 5
It must be a bad day all around. My abf is telling me I don't care about him because I told him I need off this crazy roller coaster and his car broke down on his way home from his dealers and I won't go help him. Its seriously the hardest thing I have done,to hold myself back. I have finally figured out there is nothing I can do.I have tried everything. I can't save him. Its such a heartbreaking feeling. He keeps texting me how scared he is right now. I feel like such a terrible person not to go help him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
i think it sucks when we are the ones that feel like "terrible" people!! I think it sucks that most of time when people ask me how my kid is ....i lie to them....and just say fine...thanks. It is easier than telling my story. I think it sucks that i still don't know where my #$%$%&*** kid is. And you know what really sucks!!!! To top the day off....my motorcycle broke down on me today...the one thing i do that is mine and only mine, i can ride alone, be alone, and not THINK about stuff like this....well i spent an hour on the side of he road 
talk about time to think!
talk about time to think!
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
That "How is your son?" thing is so fun isn't it?
Its about as bad as How are you? and even on your worst days you say "Fine, and you?"
Because we know with most people they don't really want to know. the people I want to know, know how my AS is. I decided that for everyone else when they ask me how he is I say,"John" is "being John". ( not real name) Or he is in a "finding himself mode" and change the subject, hope they get the hint I don't want to talk about it to them.
Some people think I should say more, but explaining his life isn't my job anymore.
Its about as bad as How are you? and even on your worst days you say "Fine, and you?"
Because we know with most people they don't really want to know. the people I want to know, know how my AS is. I decided that for everyone else when they ask me how he is I say,"John" is "being John". ( not real name) Or he is in a "finding himself mode" and change the subject, hope they get the hint I don't want to talk about it to them.
Some people think I should say more, but explaining his life isn't my job anymore.
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