his parents think they can solve his problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
his parents think they can solve his problem
My in-laws found out about my AH's years-long cocaine addiction a couple months ago and have been very supportive. They live 2,000 miles away. When his dad found out, he made him "promise" him that he would never use cocaine again. I warned them to pay closer attention to his actions than his words.
My AH spent the last 3 days binging, and the after effects can be best described as a mental breakdown. It's the same cycle we have been living in for the last year...abstinence coupled with a few NA/AA meetings, followed a couple weeks later by a binge, then remorse, then back to abstinence. Each time it seems another part of my husband's sanity unravels a bit more. He has delusions, hears things, etc etc.
The situation has become extremely serious. I am afraid my husband will lose his life. I continue to tell him that I will support him in recovery, but he has to choose what road to recovery he needs to take. I encourage him to explore inpatient treatment, but I have learned that no matter what I say or how I try to manipulate him into it, he will not do it unless he is ready.
His parents remain supportive but have asked me why I am not doing more to support him...I'm not even sure what more I can do. I know that they believe his lies, and that being so far away it is hard to do anything but listen to what he says and believe it's the truth. It hurts me that I have stood by my husband...their son...even though he has lied and made a mockery out of our marriage vows. His mom said to me last night "WHY CAN'T YOU STOP HIM?"
I wish it was as easy as that. Whew. Needed to get that off my chest. Thank goodness for the serenity prayer today. I need wisdom!
My AH spent the last 3 days binging, and the after effects can be best described as a mental breakdown. It's the same cycle we have been living in for the last year...abstinence coupled with a few NA/AA meetings, followed a couple weeks later by a binge, then remorse, then back to abstinence. Each time it seems another part of my husband's sanity unravels a bit more. He has delusions, hears things, etc etc.
The situation has become extremely serious. I am afraid my husband will lose his life. I continue to tell him that I will support him in recovery, but he has to choose what road to recovery he needs to take. I encourage him to explore inpatient treatment, but I have learned that no matter what I say or how I try to manipulate him into it, he will not do it unless he is ready.
His parents remain supportive but have asked me why I am not doing more to support him...I'm not even sure what more I can do. I know that they believe his lies, and that being so far away it is hard to do anything but listen to what he says and believe it's the truth. It hurts me that I have stood by my husband...their son...even though he has lied and made a mockery out of our marriage vows. His mom said to me last night "WHY CAN'T YOU STOP HIM?"
I wish it was as easy as that. Whew. Needed to get that off my chest. Thank goodness for the serenity prayer today. I need wisdom!
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
ship her to an NA meeting or if she's computer savy ship her here. tell her she needs to read up on addiction and know that all addicts are the same ,he is not that one special one that is smarter than all the other addicts and therefore has to go through the same thing all addicts go through. In fact print out the sticky above and let her read it ." What addicts do"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Sadly, some people never understand that no one can "stop" an addiction but the addict.
I agree with Rashue - a copy of "what addicts do" may help. If they want to stay in denial, though, it probably won't help.
I was recently involved in a situation where everyone told me what they "would have done" and why what I did was wrong. I finally reminded them that they WEREN'T there and had no right to put me down.
Also, if he is having delusions, hearing things, etc. please be careful. I'm a recovering crack addict and was never violent, BUT I know of several people who get violent after some time on cocaine. Even if he's never been violent, it sounds like he's getting worse, so please take care of yourself and get out if he even threatens you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I agree with Rashue - a copy of "what addicts do" may help. If they want to stay in denial, though, it probably won't help.
I was recently involved in a situation where everyone told me what they "would have done" and why what I did was wrong. I finally reminded them that they WEREN'T there and had no right to put me down.
Also, if he is having delusions, hearing things, etc. please be careful. I'm a recovering crack addict and was never violent, BUT I know of several people who get violent after some time on cocaine. Even if he's never been violent, it sounds like he's getting worse, so please take care of yourself and get out if he even threatens you.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
as a newcomer here, i really hope you listen to the love and support you will find. sometimes it is more than you will find right in your own backyard. i printed the "what addicts do" for myself, for my family, and for my sanity! i have read it so many times i can't even count. it made me cry, and opened my eyes all at the same time...i wish you so much luck and support
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi holdingout...
I am the mom of two addicts, but shortly before I discovered that fact, I was just your basic soccer mom... believing that everything I was doing was shaping my kids and their future... you know, that "Goddess of Everything" syndrome.
During that time, my nephew developed addiction - he is about 6 years older than my kids. He was a home-school kid with a bright future... of course when he developed addiction, *I* (judgmental me) decided it was likely due to his lack of socialization... i.e., his mom's fault.
Oh God... I doubt I hid that judgment very well. I know I spoke it out loud to my husband (sis-in-law's brother).
But then a few short years later, it was my OWN precious and precocious daughter... my own sweet redhead with the bright mind and great smile... my own kid who was addicted to that nast crap.
Just about the time we got our mind's wrapped around that fact, and feeling blessed that our Eagle Scout son had made it out clean as a whistle... HE ended up in rehab due to his addiction to pot and alcohol.
I look back on that time when I was in so much denial about what was happening in my own family, and how "easy" it was to cast blame and look for simple solutions.... with shame and regret.
What I know today is that I just didn't know better. When I knew better, I did better.
If you can get mom and dad out here "for help" - then great - maybe have them go with you to a few Alanon or Naranon meetings. Those are a great help ... heck, they saved my life!
If you can't get them out here - you might consider attending on your own - you need some folks who UNDERSTAND ... and not a bunch of earth people who don't have a clue.
(((Hugs)))
I am the mom of two addicts, but shortly before I discovered that fact, I was just your basic soccer mom... believing that everything I was doing was shaping my kids and their future... you know, that "Goddess of Everything" syndrome.
During that time, my nephew developed addiction - he is about 6 years older than my kids. He was a home-school kid with a bright future... of course when he developed addiction, *I* (judgmental me) decided it was likely due to his lack of socialization... i.e., his mom's fault.
Oh God... I doubt I hid that judgment very well. I know I spoke it out loud to my husband (sis-in-law's brother).
But then a few short years later, it was my OWN precious and precocious daughter... my own sweet redhead with the bright mind and great smile... my own kid who was addicted to that nast crap.
Just about the time we got our mind's wrapped around that fact, and feeling blessed that our Eagle Scout son had made it out clean as a whistle... HE ended up in rehab due to his addiction to pot and alcohol.
I look back on that time when I was in so much denial about what was happening in my own family, and how "easy" it was to cast blame and look for simple solutions.... with shame and regret.
What I know today is that I just didn't know better. When I knew better, I did better.
If you can get mom and dad out here "for help" - then great - maybe have them go with you to a few Alanon or Naranon meetings. Those are a great help ... heck, they saved my life!
If you can't get them out here - you might consider attending on your own - you need some folks who UNDERSTAND ... and not a bunch of earth people who don't have a clue.
(((Hugs)))
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
holdingouthope,
Glad you're here.
IMO, I wouldn't take any of her comments to heart, there is no way, unless she is attending meetings and working a program for her to understand, no way.
I'm sure it's somewhat frustrating to even try to explain that there is nothing you can do to make him stop. Yeppers, she needs meetings, or like Rahsue said, point her towards Sober Recovery.
Hugs to you,
Glad you're here.
IMO, I wouldn't take any of her comments to heart, there is no way, unless she is attending meetings and working a program for her to understand, no way.
I'm sure it's somewhat frustrating to even try to explain that there is nothing you can do to make him stop. Yeppers, she needs meetings, or like Rahsue said, point her towards Sober Recovery.
Hugs to you,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
BigSis and Mooselips - thank you. The only reason I am able to listen to my dear mom-in-law and not react in defense or anger is because of NarAnon. In time she will find her way. I did print off What Addicts Do and am going to send it her way. She is his mom and she loves him and I know she is not here to see with her eyes the process of addiction and how it is ruining her son's life.
Thanks again
Thanks again
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
HoldingOutHope, 
I just got done writing the same thing in another post. If a person is not an alcoholic in a family and a spouse is...the extended family members have no idea of what you are going through. :morning
Education and Alanon and Naranon Meetings can explain everything so clear but even then some spouses doubt that it will work. It is as important to work these programs as it is for the Alcoholic to work his AA Program.
My second husband did something unforgivable in our family and it was related to alcohol abuse. He was arrested and removed from our home. His family lived as far away as New York and Arizona and absolutely did not believe their son, brother did anything wrong that he would be arrested for. My gosh...he was Retired Military, He was a Disabled Vet, He had a job helping other Veterans and their families. But he did what he did. I have never gotten over the way they talked to me. They would call me early in the morning 6 AM on my days off from work...and just harrass me.
I finally kept my phone unplugged when I was home and made my own phone calls to my parents and adult children. I felt like I was the criminal!
Education...education......education...I cannot stress it enough and also connect with people that are having the same problems. That is why the meetings are so important.
Just remember you have to take care of yourself. You come first. He is an adult & he got to where he is all by himself and he is the only one that can get himself on the road to recovery. He just needs to be honest with others and ask for help. :praying
kelsh
I just got done writing the same thing in another post. If a person is not an alcoholic in a family and a spouse is...the extended family members have no idea of what you are going through. :morning
Education and Alanon and Naranon Meetings can explain everything so clear but even then some spouses doubt that it will work. It is as important to work these programs as it is for the Alcoholic to work his AA Program.
My second husband did something unforgivable in our family and it was related to alcohol abuse. He was arrested and removed from our home. His family lived as far away as New York and Arizona and absolutely did not believe their son, brother did anything wrong that he would be arrested for. My gosh...he was Retired Military, He was a Disabled Vet, He had a job helping other Veterans and their families. But he did what he did. I have never gotten over the way they talked to me. They would call me early in the morning 6 AM on my days off from work...and just harrass me.
I finally kept my phone unplugged when I was home and made my own phone calls to my parents and adult children. I felt like I was the criminal!
Education...education......education...I cannot stress it enough and also connect with people that are having the same problems. That is why the meetings are so important.
Just remember you have to take care of yourself. You come first. He is an adult & he got to where he is all by himself and he is the only one that can get himself on the road to recovery. He just needs to be honest with others and ask for help. :praying
kelsh
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