What can I do? Need your advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 6
What can I do? Need your advice.
I don't know what to do... Please give me some direction.
HISTORY: Because he was struggling with being away from family, my 19 yr old son moved back home in Dec 06 after 5 mo. away at college. We've always been very close so we relocated him back home. When he moved back, he transferred to a college within commuting distance and got his old job back working 20 hrs/wk. He has always been on the merit/honor roll (he's a smart kid). And he's worked at the same place for 3 years.
Feb 07 he was charged & found guilty to poss. of drug paraphenalia (PODP) resulting in fines, 6 mo. driving suspension and 10 days in jail (suspended) but granted work/school driving privileges. April 07 he was charged on campus at another college with underage possession of alcohol which incurred fines and also suspended his work/school driving privileges. June 07 he was found guilty of driving under suspension (DUS). He was fined, had add'l 6 mo. driving suspension, 30 days in jail (20 suspended) and served 10 days in jail.
CURRENT EVENT: For the past 4 months he has been keeping his grades up and going to work, but yesterday after he finished fixing his car, he and a friend were test driving at 2:30am (he was not driving) and stopped in a store parking lot to check the engine noise when the police pulled up and questioned them. The police discovered the paraphenalia in the car and he was charged for the 2nd time (PODP). He is facing 20 days in jail and another 6 mo. driving suspension. The officer told him he could get his sentence reduced if he cooperated with detectives in the city and worked with them.
He is struggling... he works 20 hrs/wk and goes to class but I know he is struggling to keep it together. He tells me he does weed to relax from work/school. I thought he was getting his act together this past 4 months, but I think there may be a more serious problem.
MY QUESTIONS: What do I do first? Do I get him into counseling? Rehab? Do I call an attorney? The PD wants my son to help with controlled buys promising reduced sentencing... how does that work? And are there any guarantees he won't go to jail? Can he do community service instead? My main concern is his mental health and addiction, but where do I start?
I have observed this website for a long time and know you all have good insight. Please help find the right direction.
HISTORY: Because he was struggling with being away from family, my 19 yr old son moved back home in Dec 06 after 5 mo. away at college. We've always been very close so we relocated him back home. When he moved back, he transferred to a college within commuting distance and got his old job back working 20 hrs/wk. He has always been on the merit/honor roll (he's a smart kid). And he's worked at the same place for 3 years.
Feb 07 he was charged & found guilty to poss. of drug paraphenalia (PODP) resulting in fines, 6 mo. driving suspension and 10 days in jail (suspended) but granted work/school driving privileges. April 07 he was charged on campus at another college with underage possession of alcohol which incurred fines and also suspended his work/school driving privileges. June 07 he was found guilty of driving under suspension (DUS). He was fined, had add'l 6 mo. driving suspension, 30 days in jail (20 suspended) and served 10 days in jail.
CURRENT EVENT: For the past 4 months he has been keeping his grades up and going to work, but yesterday after he finished fixing his car, he and a friend were test driving at 2:30am (he was not driving) and stopped in a store parking lot to check the engine noise when the police pulled up and questioned them. The police discovered the paraphenalia in the car and he was charged for the 2nd time (PODP). He is facing 20 days in jail and another 6 mo. driving suspension. The officer told him he could get his sentence reduced if he cooperated with detectives in the city and worked with them.
He is struggling... he works 20 hrs/wk and goes to class but I know he is struggling to keep it together. He tells me he does weed to relax from work/school. I thought he was getting his act together this past 4 months, but I think there may be a more serious problem.
MY QUESTIONS: What do I do first? Do I get him into counseling? Rehab? Do I call an attorney? The PD wants my son to help with controlled buys promising reduced sentencing... how does that work? And are there any guarantees he won't go to jail? Can he do community service instead? My main concern is his mental health and addiction, but where do I start?
I have observed this website for a long time and know you all have good insight. Please help find the right direction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
Originally Posted by heartsick 
MY QUESTIONS: What do I do first? Do I get him into counseling? Rehab? Do I call an attorney? The PD wants my son to help with controlled buys promising reduced sentencing... how does that work? And are there any guarantees he won't go to jail? Can he do community service instead? My main concern is his mental health and addiction, but where do I start?
Can HE take care of this since it was HE who caused it? Not YOU. I don't have a child who is an addict so I can't pretend to understand the pain you have with that. I do however know the pain of having a husband who is an addict and believe me, it is a terrible pain. But until he was allowed to suffer the consequences of his using, he kept right on using because I was ALWAYS there to bail him out, to make up an excuse, to call his work, to do whatever needed to be done to keep him safe and out of trouble.
Its a hard thing, addiction is. (((((big hugs to you))))) Some much wiser folks will be along soon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. first off i feel your pain, i am sorry you are going thru this. my son is my addict & i love him every much. your story is not to different from mine or the others that come here. we want so much for our children but it is what they want,not us. your son has got to suffer the consequences for his drug use. he has got to want to get clean & stay clean & we can not make them.fast forward...my son was drinking at 17 & on turned to drugs by 23.he is still doing the same thing at 36 & he does not want to stop. he lost lst his wife( murdered due to drugs, not by him ),lost custody of his kids, been in prison more in than out & still does them. he will quit when he decides to. there is nothing u can do for your son expect pray & turn him over to your h.p. that is hard to do but that is what your recovery can help you do.please read all the sticky & "what addicts do" at the top of the forum.keep coming back & let us know how u r. it does not get better until ytour son decided for it to. we r here & we care. prayers,
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Heartsick,
Welcome to you, glad you found us.
Your story sounds similar to my youngests sons adventure.
In college, doing well, then his world fell apart....
When that world fell apart for him, I was there to pick up the pieces, I shuffled him off to rehab, paid his bills, paid his court fines, you name it, I did it.
I did it because I thought everything would be hunky-dorey when he finished rehab...little did I know he wasn't even close to ready FOR rehab.....
So, IMO, I stopped the natural progression of his hitting his "bottom" and prolonged his addictive ways.
To look back, I realize I should have looked for help for ME and not him.
Please try to find meetings for you, a.s.a.p.
They help SO much...
Diane
P.S. My sons are both sober for today.
Welcome to you, glad you found us.
Your story sounds similar to my youngests sons adventure.
In college, doing well, then his world fell apart....
When that world fell apart for him, I was there to pick up the pieces, I shuffled him off to rehab, paid his bills, paid his court fines, you name it, I did it.
I did it because I thought everything would be hunky-dorey when he finished rehab...little did I know he wasn't even close to ready FOR rehab.....
So, IMO, I stopped the natural progression of his hitting his "bottom" and prolonged his addictive ways.
To look back, I realize I should have looked for help for ME and not him.
Please try to find meetings for you, a.s.a.p.
They help SO much...
Diane
P.S. My sons are both sober for today.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
FWIW he is a 20 yer old. That is an Adult. He has a problem. It is HIS problem and not yours. He needs to face the consequences of his problems w/o your help IMO.
At 20, with all this going on, it might be best for him to NOT live at home anymore. He needs to figure this out, face it and deal with it. The sooner he does that the better chance he has of a life free of drugs. Weed is a drug. I know. MY XABF used weed all the time. He replaced Coke with Weed.. but when he got money I am sure (in retrospect) he did a line here and there.
While he is doing that, you need to figiure YOU out and how to detach from his problems of his making.
I am sorry you are going through this.
At 20, with all this going on, it might be best for him to NOT live at home anymore. He needs to figure this out, face it and deal with it. The sooner he does that the better chance he has of a life free of drugs. Weed is a drug. I know. MY XABF used weed all the time. He replaced Coke with Weed.. but when he got money I am sure (in retrospect) he did a line here and there.
While he is doing that, you need to figiure YOU out and how to detach from his problems of his making.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
:codiepolice (I've been wanting to use that!)
It hasn't been so long ago that my son was messing up repeatedly and I was running behind him trying desperately to pick up the pieces.
I was only in the way of his learning process.
Looking back I can now see clearly that as long as I "fixed" things, or he was able to be cut slack, he'd go right back out.
I imagine his consequences were never severe enough to remind him later.
It wasn't until he was faced with legal,personal and societal reprucussions that he finally began showing change.
Your son has been warned and it seems, treated fairly, only to go back out. If you live in an area like mine, the local police are already aware its in the car, so he's a sitting duck everytime he's seen at an odd time in an odd place.
I HATED our local police for what I thought at the time was harrassment (for the one it actually was) but their goal is often to keep at the young ones hoping they will learn.
The one officer wanted my son to buy heroin, threatening him with all kinds of horrible scenarios if he didn't. I didn't want him any further in the drug world regardless. As it turned out, he was given a fair and reaosnable sentence after turning them down.
A magistrate friend of mine told me "Let them do their own job"
We all learn at our own pace though, and I'm glad you've joined us.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
It hasn't been so long ago that my son was messing up repeatedly and I was running behind him trying desperately to pick up the pieces.
I was only in the way of his learning process.
Looking back I can now see clearly that as long as I "fixed" things, or he was able to be cut slack, he'd go right back out.
I imagine his consequences were never severe enough to remind him later.
It wasn't until he was faced with legal,personal and societal reprucussions that he finally began showing change.
Your son has been warned and it seems, treated fairly, only to go back out. If you live in an area like mine, the local police are already aware its in the car, so he's a sitting duck everytime he's seen at an odd time in an odd place.
I HATED our local police for what I thought at the time was harrassment (for the one it actually was) but their goal is often to keep at the young ones hoping they will learn.
The one officer wanted my son to buy heroin, threatening him with all kinds of horrible scenarios if he didn't. I didn't want him any further in the drug world regardless. As it turned out, he was given a fair and reaosnable sentence after turning them down.
A magistrate friend of mine told me "Let them do their own job"
We all learn at our own pace though, and I'm glad you've joined us.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Heartsick,
Welcome....
I think your screen name has described every one of us here at one time or another due to our loved one using and abusing drugs/alcohol.
Addiction is a progressive disease and one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
My son was 19 when I confronted him about his drug use.
Turned out, I had a blind eye turned on him for quite a while and he had gotten involved with raves, new friends, and heroin i.v'ing.
My guilt was all consuming. Until I came to sr and realized...
1. I didn't cause it. He was 19 and living away from home. An adult by all standards.
2. I can't control it. No matter how many brick walls I ran into, I could not control and fix him and his life. Believe me, I tried for 5 years.
3. I couldn't cure it. No amount of begging, pleading, threatening, and coercing, would save my son until he was ready to quit drugs.
Those, my friend, are the 3 c's. Somewhat of a mantra to live by.
My son (almost 26) and I are close and we talk on the phone daily.
He lives with an older woman and is seeing a therapist regularly. He takes medication for bi-polar disorder and is now looking for a job. It's hard to find one where he's at, but he feels that the farther away from "city" life, he is, the better.
It took a long road and a few months in a county prison for him to begin his descent to rock bottom, but I am grateful to God that he made it back alive.
I have been here at sr since October, 2005. My life is better now, because I started to take care of me. I turned my son's care and keeping over to his HP. (higher power)Sending out hugs, prayers, and support to you and your family today.
This is just one of the stories you will read about here, so keep coming back and keep reading.
Hugs from one mom to another,
Linda
Welcome....
I think your screen name has described every one of us here at one time or another due to our loved one using and abusing drugs/alcohol.
Addiction is a progressive disease and one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
My son was 19 when I confronted him about his drug use.
Turned out, I had a blind eye turned on him for quite a while and he had gotten involved with raves, new friends, and heroin i.v'ing.
My guilt was all consuming. Until I came to sr and realized...
1. I didn't cause it. He was 19 and living away from home. An adult by all standards.
2. I can't control it. No matter how many brick walls I ran into, I could not control and fix him and his life. Believe me, I tried for 5 years.
3. I couldn't cure it. No amount of begging, pleading, threatening, and coercing, would save my son until he was ready to quit drugs.
Those, my friend, are the 3 c's. Somewhat of a mantra to live by.
My son (almost 26) and I are close and we talk on the phone daily.
He lives with an older woman and is seeing a therapist regularly. He takes medication for bi-polar disorder and is now looking for a job. It's hard to find one where he's at, but he feels that the farther away from "city" life, he is, the better.
It took a long road and a few months in a county prison for him to begin his descent to rock bottom, but I am grateful to God that he made it back alive.
I have been here at sr since October, 2005. My life is better now, because I started to take care of me. I turned my son's care and keeping over to his HP. (higher power)Sending out hugs, prayers, and support to you and your family today.
This is just one of the stories you will read about here, so keep coming back and keep reading.
Hugs from one mom to another,
Linda
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