need a reality check
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kalamazoo, MI
Posts: 69
need a reality check
I need a reality check. The (X)abf is still in Las Vegas at his conference. I haven't talked to him since I broke up with him on Wed night. He's been sending me "nice" emails and leaving phone messages.
I finally talked to him tonight to tell him that he has to understand we are not a couple anymore. He's on his best behavior so he said that he completely understood what he has done to me and our relationship. He asked if I would have dinner with him when he gets his 30 day coin, that he wouldn't ask me to see him other than that. He wants to send me an email now and then, but he won't expect a reply.
I agreed to this, but said that he has to understand I am not in a relationship with him. I told him that I have to focus on me and wherever my life takes me.
Do you think that agreeing to see him at 30 days was OK? I will stick to it and not see him or engage in conversation until then. I think I can keep myself focused on my life and not get all wrapped up in whatever he's doing.
A lot of you have been in my shoes. Any advice?
I finally talked to him tonight to tell him that he has to understand we are not a couple anymore. He's on his best behavior so he said that he completely understood what he has done to me and our relationship. He asked if I would have dinner with him when he gets his 30 day coin, that he wouldn't ask me to see him other than that. He wants to send me an email now and then, but he won't expect a reply.
I agreed to this, but said that he has to understand I am not in a relationship with him. I told him that I have to focus on me and wherever my life takes me.
Do you think that agreeing to see him at 30 days was OK? I will stick to it and not see him or engage in conversation until then. I think I can keep myself focused on my life and not get all wrapped up in whatever he's doing.
A lot of you have been in my shoes. Any advice?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I haven't been in your shoes, but I've just re-read all your recent posts and can offer a thought or two.
He has a history of maybe getting 30 days and then relapsing, yes? So if you see him at 30 days...then what? More of the same? Maybe hang in until 60 days and if he relapses again?
My prayers go out that he does get clean and stays clean, please don't misunderstand me on that. But it seems to me that he uses the "I love you's" to manipulate you.
You broke up with him and he ignored that and sent many messages to you...he knows the "hook". He suggests he will get clean and by agreeing to see him at 30 days, you confirm that it's not "over" at all.
This is all called the "codependent dance" and I should know because in my own way with my son who had his own hooks, I danced to this tune for years.
You may or may not be ready to let go of him, and please know that whatever you decide, we are supporting you all the way.
But maybe take some time and decide how long you want to keep dancing. Maybe keep your safe distance and see if his actions take him beyond his past performances...beyond short periods of sobriety and into a lifestyle of recovery. Or maybe think of yourself and your daughter and decide of you both aren't worth way better than this kind of life.
My heart and prayers go out for you, I know this is very hard. Change usually is.
Hugs
He has a history of maybe getting 30 days and then relapsing, yes? So if you see him at 30 days...then what? More of the same? Maybe hang in until 60 days and if he relapses again?
My prayers go out that he does get clean and stays clean, please don't misunderstand me on that. But it seems to me that he uses the "I love you's" to manipulate you.
You broke up with him and he ignored that and sent many messages to you...he knows the "hook". He suggests he will get clean and by agreeing to see him at 30 days, you confirm that it's not "over" at all.
This is all called the "codependent dance" and I should know because in my own way with my son who had his own hooks, I danced to this tune for years.
You may or may not be ready to let go of him, and please know that whatever you decide, we are supporting you all the way.
But maybe take some time and decide how long you want to keep dancing. Maybe keep your safe distance and see if his actions take him beyond his past performances...beyond short periods of sobriety and into a lifestyle of recovery. Or maybe think of yourself and your daughter and decide of you both aren't worth way better than this kind of life.
My heart and prayers go out for you, I know this is very hard. Change usually is.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kalamazoo, MI
Posts: 69
Thank you Ann & Hope!
I really needed to hear that. You're absolutely right about the hooks. I hadn't thought about it that way. Right now, I'm thinking 6 months clean would be meaningful....and some kind of drug testing. It would be easy for him to lie. Honestly, I don't think he will get more than 60 days.
Is there any kind of home drug test that detects cocaine?
Thank you for hanging in there with me!!
I really needed to hear that. You're absolutely right about the hooks. I hadn't thought about it that way. Right now, I'm thinking 6 months clean would be meaningful....and some kind of drug testing. It would be easy for him to lie. Honestly, I don't think he will get more than 60 days.
Is there any kind of home drug test that detects cocaine?
Thank you for hanging in there with me!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lightquest, I can't answer that because I don't believe in home testing. Why? Because it can be easily faked, it makes us the "drug police", and it is degrading to both the person giving and the person taking the test. Those are just my thoughts on this.
For me, instinct told me all I needed to know, when I listened. My gut was never wrong and today I trust it more than ever. Also, their actions tell us more than their words ever could. If they are clean they behave like they are.
Again, it's your choice how you want to handle this, but please give yourself some time and space to think without his interference. You might be surprises at how good life can be without the chaos.
Hugs
For me, instinct told me all I needed to know, when I listened. My gut was never wrong and today I trust it more than ever. Also, their actions tell us more than their words ever could. If they are clean they behave like they are.
Again, it's your choice how you want to handle this, but please give yourself some time and space to think without his interference. You might be surprises at how good life can be without the chaos.
Hugs
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I have to agree with Ann on the hooking part.
It's just another form of manipulation.
I went thru the break up and get back together thing with a guy who drank too much. It drained the energy right out of me. All my time was spent worrying and hoping.
It didn't do me any good. It wasn't up to me for him to get sober.
It's just another form of manipulation.
I went thru the break up and get back together thing with a guy who drank too much. It drained the energy right out of me. All my time was spent worrying and hoping.
It didn't do me any good. It wasn't up to me for him to get sober.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((lightquest))))
If this is true....
then why would this even matter...
Are you really "done" or are you deep down inside hoping he will get clean?
You know in my experience drug testing and relationships lead to deception. I think if someone is clean their behavior will tell you everything you need to know.
Maybe this time really focus on yourself and do everything to make yourself happy don't let anyone or anything be the only road to happiness for you.
Be gentle with yourself....
If this is true....
he has to understand I am not in a relationship with him.
and some kind of drug testing
You know in my experience drug testing and relationships lead to deception. I think if someone is clean their behavior will tell you everything you need to know.
Maybe this time really focus on yourself and do everything to make yourself happy don't let anyone or anything be the only road to happiness for you.
Be gentle with yourself....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
If you go and meet him at 30 days clean, do not think it is going to be ok. If you really don't want to see him after that it is your choice and it is his choice how long he will stay clean. I would not worry about the drug testing if you are really done with the relationship. Take time for you and work your recovery right now, attend meetings, read as much as you feel comfortable reading about recovery and addiction, including your own recovery. It is a hard road for all of us to travel, and only you can make the choice of when you had enough. We will be here to support you no matter what you decide. I once heard this saying and really believe it, "The way you know if an addict is lying is if their lips are moving" He will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear, he will try to continue to control you, and they are so good at that. I always tell the new members of our group that you have to be as selfish as the addict, to make yourself well. Do that for you right now, and take it one day at a time, and if that is to much do it one minute at a time.
Hugs coming to you from a mother of an addict.
Hugs coming to you from a mother of an addict.
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