It's time to stop being codependent
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
It's time to stop being codependent
What can you do if you are married to a narcissist who is also suffering from addictions and engages in emotional abuse and verbal abuse, too? Well, it just might be time to awaken to your own codependency. Yes, it might be time to take action to change yourself so someday soon, you'll be codependent no more.
Now ladies, it might make for a nice country song to sing about standing by your man, and despite the fact he engages in problematic behaviors regularly. But in real life, you have to open your eyes to reality. Indeed, you need to open your eyes to the fact you can not control things; you can not make them turn out how you desire.
This most certainly holds true regarding him--your narcissistic, addicted, and abusive spouse.
Sure, we know that love can make a huge difference in the life of a small child. The preschooler who knows he is loved and supported will have such a huge advantage over the child who is not. But it doesn't work that way with a grown man, especially one displaying narcissism, addictions, and abuse.
Love is not enough. Love is never enough. But if you are codependent and into pleasing him, forsaking your own needs so his might be met instead, you might believe that loving and accepting your big bad boy's behavior is the answer. As a result, you might keep kissing him, promising to do an even better job of pleasing him in the future as each of your tear drops flow.
Wow, am I writing the script for a bad movie here? It sounds like it, wouldn't you agree? But your life is most certainly not a movie. As the saying goes, it is not a dress rehearsal, either. It is the real thing. Because you only get to experience it once, it is time to ask yourself an important question.
I want you to get really quiet and still. Are you also ready to get serious about your life? Okay, then, ask yourself: Is this the way I want to spend the rest of this one life I have to live?
Oh, expect a voice to go off in your head. Expect its chatter to be loud and overwhelming--if you allow it to be, that is.
It will tell you things like you have no choice but to stay with him no matter how badly he treats you or how rotten you feel. After all, you can't afford to take care of yourself and the children. Besides, your entire identity is wrapped up in being this man's wife.
Ah, the second objection speaks of your codependency, doesn't it? You have relied upon another for your sense of identity. Still, that doesn't mean you can't find your own instead. Believe me; it is there to be found. It might not seem that way right now, especially when your narcissistic spouse spends so much of his time beating you down and trying to destroy what you've always liked best about yourself.
He wants you to believe that you are nothing without him. In fact, I suspect you might hear his voice in your head saying something to that effect whenever you try to think about living life on your own. Still, that doesn't mean you have to believe it.
Why not prove him wrong instead?
It can be hard to think about giving up your life as you know it, no matter how painful it might be. But just because that voice within your head is squawking that you can't do this, I suspect there is also a softer one present urging you to seek something better for yourself. If you don't hear it, perhaps you can't quiet the other voice enough to note its presence. But if you keep telling that loud voice that you appreciate its opinions, but you can come to your own conclusions, thank you very much, it might get to the point it quiet downs. Then, you might hear the other one--the other one that can help lead the way to your higher and true self.
Sure, sometimes it is nice to listen to country, jazz, or soul music that speaks of life's trials and tribulations, or how some man has done her wrong. But really, should these stories about emotional pain become your role model for real life? I would hope not.
I know, it will seem strange at first when your life is suddenly freed of all that drama that would have made for a great song, soap opera, or made-for-television movie. But keep reminding yourself, you have but one life to live. Don't waste it on someone so lost in himself and his own problems, he has nothing to give you.
He will be happy to take all you're willing to send his way. But if the day comes when you're so weak and demoralized you have nothing more to give him, don't be surprised if he walks--into the arms of another woman who wouldn't face and overcome her codependency, that is.
No, you're worth more than that. I want you to keep reminding yourself of that from this day forth, too. Will you promise to do that?
Of course, don't make any promises for my sake. Do it because you want to take good care of yourself in the future--as good care of yourself as you've invariably taken care of others. And in doing this, you will be taking a step towards being codependent no more.
by Diane England, Ph.D.
Now ladies, it might make for a nice country song to sing about standing by your man, and despite the fact he engages in problematic behaviors regularly. But in real life, you have to open your eyes to reality. Indeed, you need to open your eyes to the fact you can not control things; you can not make them turn out how you desire.
This most certainly holds true regarding him--your narcissistic, addicted, and abusive spouse.
Sure, we know that love can make a huge difference in the life of a small child. The preschooler who knows he is loved and supported will have such a huge advantage over the child who is not. But it doesn't work that way with a grown man, especially one displaying narcissism, addictions, and abuse.
Love is not enough. Love is never enough. But if you are codependent and into pleasing him, forsaking your own needs so his might be met instead, you might believe that loving and accepting your big bad boy's behavior is the answer. As a result, you might keep kissing him, promising to do an even better job of pleasing him in the future as each of your tear drops flow.
Wow, am I writing the script for a bad movie here? It sounds like it, wouldn't you agree? But your life is most certainly not a movie. As the saying goes, it is not a dress rehearsal, either. It is the real thing. Because you only get to experience it once, it is time to ask yourself an important question.
I want you to get really quiet and still. Are you also ready to get serious about your life? Okay, then, ask yourself: Is this the way I want to spend the rest of this one life I have to live?
Oh, expect a voice to go off in your head. Expect its chatter to be loud and overwhelming--if you allow it to be, that is.
It will tell you things like you have no choice but to stay with him no matter how badly he treats you or how rotten you feel. After all, you can't afford to take care of yourself and the children. Besides, your entire identity is wrapped up in being this man's wife.
Ah, the second objection speaks of your codependency, doesn't it? You have relied upon another for your sense of identity. Still, that doesn't mean you can't find your own instead. Believe me; it is there to be found. It might not seem that way right now, especially when your narcissistic spouse spends so much of his time beating you down and trying to destroy what you've always liked best about yourself.
He wants you to believe that you are nothing without him. In fact, I suspect you might hear his voice in your head saying something to that effect whenever you try to think about living life on your own. Still, that doesn't mean you have to believe it.
Why not prove him wrong instead?
It can be hard to think about giving up your life as you know it, no matter how painful it might be. But just because that voice within your head is squawking that you can't do this, I suspect there is also a softer one present urging you to seek something better for yourself. If you don't hear it, perhaps you can't quiet the other voice enough to note its presence. But if you keep telling that loud voice that you appreciate its opinions, but you can come to your own conclusions, thank you very much, it might get to the point it quiet downs. Then, you might hear the other one--the other one that can help lead the way to your higher and true self.
Sure, sometimes it is nice to listen to country, jazz, or soul music that speaks of life's trials and tribulations, or how some man has done her wrong. But really, should these stories about emotional pain become your role model for real life? I would hope not.
I know, it will seem strange at first when your life is suddenly freed of all that drama that would have made for a great song, soap opera, or made-for-television movie. But keep reminding yourself, you have but one life to live. Don't waste it on someone so lost in himself and his own problems, he has nothing to give you.
He will be happy to take all you're willing to send his way. But if the day comes when you're so weak and demoralized you have nothing more to give him, don't be surprised if he walks--into the arms of another woman who wouldn't face and overcome her codependency, that is.
No, you're worth more than that. I want you to keep reminding yourself of that from this day forth, too. Will you promise to do that?
Of course, don't make any promises for my sake. Do it because you want to take good care of yourself in the future--as good care of yourself as you've invariably taken care of others. And in doing this, you will be taking a step towards being codependent no more.
by Diane England, Ph.D.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
You just posted my life story....thanks be to God that now it includes the part about listening to that still, quiet little voice that told me that I COULD do this!!
Life is looking so much better to me now....I wish my exah only good things but he will have to find them on his own, and if he can't then I will continue to pray for him, but his choices will no longer be my problem nor will I allow them to affect MY life.
It DID seem strange at first to live without the constant chaos and drama. But after almost nine months of learning how to breathe free (after 25 years of living in a codependent fog), I don't think wild horses could drag me back to him.......
Thanks, nyte, great post!
Life is looking so much better to me now....I wish my exah only good things but he will have to find them on his own, and if he can't then I will continue to pray for him, but his choices will no longer be my problem nor will I allow them to affect MY life.
It DID seem strange at first to live without the constant chaos and drama. But after almost nine months of learning how to breathe free (after 25 years of living in a codependent fog), I don't think wild horses could drag me back to him.......
Thanks, nyte, great post!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
((((Passion))))
TY so much for sharing this. It resonates SO SO SO much with me. I have HUGE issues with the $hitty committee in my head.
They usually hold the power most of the time, but recovery is teaching me that they HAVE to go and they have to go NOW! It's painful and brutally uncomfortable at times, but it is necessary to adopt a new way of living.
Thanks so much for sharing this!!!
TY so much for sharing this. It resonates SO SO SO much with me. I have HUGE issues with the $hitty committee in my head.
They usually hold the power most of the time, but recovery is teaching me that they HAVE to go and they have to go NOW! It's painful and brutally uncomfortable at times, but it is necessary to adopt a new way of living.
Thanks so much for sharing this!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Was clicking around reading old posts today, saw this, and wanted to bump it up so any newcomers that might not know what being codependent is can read. -- Thanks again Nyte for posting this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Thank you RayofSunshine! I gobble up everything Nytepassion puts on the boards. We all need reminders and we all need this no-nonsense approach to allowing ourselves some happiness (or just peace every now and then).
I love it!
I love it!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 63
Oh how I love these reminders and words of wisdom and strength. This place is what is keeping me going ... The louder voice in my head is calming somewhat since my AH has been away (2 days) LOL but I am sure each day will get easier to hear the voice I've been longing to hear.
Thanks so much.
Thanks so much.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 65
That’s okay, however, this statement contradicts and pretty much blows apart what she’s trying to do:
...Why not prove him wrong instead?
That statement feeds directly into the issue of control, which is the basis of co-dependency. Someone has given control to someone else. Person A bases their actions and behaviors on the actions and behaviors of Person B in the hopes Person B will change their actions and behaviors, and around and around and around.
To help someone move away from co-dependent behavior is to help them stop focusing on what cannot be changed, which is the view others have of us or others’ behaviors, and instead focus on what *can* be changed, which is how we view ourselves and our behaviors.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter one iota what anyone thinks of us since no one else has to live our lives for us. And that’s an idea that really should be driven home from the word “go”.
Just a thought...
Originally Posted by nytepassion 
...Why not prove him wrong instead?
To help someone move away from co-dependent behavior is to help them stop focusing on what cannot be changed, which is the view others have of us or others’ behaviors, and instead focus on what *can* be changed, which is how we view ourselves and our behaviors.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter one iota what anyone thinks of us since no one else has to live our lives for us. And that’s an idea that really should be driven home from the word “go”.
Just a thought...
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