Giving Up Or Letting GO?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 1
Giving Up Or Letting GO?
OK so first time here. I've bee with my BF for a little over three years now and is the love of my life. He of which is addicted to pills. when we first go together he was a pretty heavy drinker and about a year after that he traded that in for pills. As it progressed I just shut up about it because the conversations would lead to huge fights and yelling matches. Well it finally got so bad about a week ago that I had my family and his calling me asking what was wrong with him and so forth and I stopped defending him. I told them everything. So it just so happens that he realized that I was going to really leave him if he didn't come foward and take care of his problem. He sat everyone down (seperately) and came clean to everyone. Which was probably the most respect towards him that he has gotten from me in a long time. So he has been sober for 4 weeks now and I'm so proud of him but I feel like I'm left with all this emptyness. By the way in his profession he travels, so not only am I alone at our house everyother 3 months I had to deal with all aspects of this addiction while he gets to leave me behind. I'm pissed, sad, depressed, relieved and everyother emotion in the book. So a week after he got sober he is on the road again and I'm wrose than i ever have been. When I look back on what has happened over the 2 yrs of just the pill addiction I realize that I never got to share my emotions with him because he couldn't ever handle his own. We rarely made love not because of physical attraction but because I wasn't clicking with him on my emotions. So now since he's at work now I'm stuck with all of this overpowering bull...that is all his fault. And I know Al-anon Al-anon....but if you love someone like I say I do I would go talk to someone, help myself and and work things out with the LOVE of my life. But a huge part of me is just so tired of being alone...and I don't mean him being home....I mean just having my best friend understand me. I'm going crazy... i wish there was a way to know if it will be ok if I do stay. HOW DO I GET MYSELF MOTIVATED TO GET THE HELP? I'm only in my mid 20's and everyone says to be grateful and that we're lucky to have started to deal with this now instead 10 yrs down the road married with kids. If were so lucky then why so I feel so worthless. I'm doing drastic changes to myself since he's been gone, chopped my hair off, dyed it and somehow I've lost like 12 ponds. I'm already a pencil also. I know what it is....depression. Been there about 5 years ago when I got out of a long abusive relationship. So I'm trying to self medicate myself with not drugs but now my own obsessions. I feel like I'm the only one in the world that feels this crazy. Am i giving up or just finally trying to say that's enough. Is love really strong enough glue to hold it together? Is love what he thinks is enough to make it through this?? HELP ME....
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Wow. Forget about what this guy or any guy is doing for awhile. Get yourself some help with your own issues and the patterns you keep repeating. It is easy to obsess about what someone with bad behav. is doing because it helps take the focus off of ourselves. Learn how to bec emotionally available to yourself so that you can give that to someone else and choose someone else who can give it back.
You can't fix this guy or bet on his future behav. You can fix yourself. FIGURE that out for best prognosis of a happy life. Think about it. When depressed i bet change is hard for you. Make baby steps ea. day toward a plan
You can't fix this guy or bet on his future behav. You can fix yourself. FIGURE that out for best prognosis of a happy life. Think about it. When depressed i bet change is hard for you. Make baby steps ea. day toward a plan
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Detaching from someone does not always mean leaving them, tho many do when they realize what they think is love is really obsession in love's clothing.
Going to AlAnon and learning to work on you and to love yourself is how you start to get your self esteem, self worth and self confidence back. It isn't about the alcoholic or the addict, but about YOU and your life and the best way to live it.
I suggest you TRY 6 meetings and TRY reading some of the stuff they have. I think you will be surprised. You may need other help as well, but if you cannot do that, alAnon is a great way to start. AlAnon is about taking the focus off the addict or alocoholic and what they are doing and what they are doing to you.. it is about learning to let go of resentments and not being a victim of your own anger at being a victim of his behavior as an addict!
Going to AlAnon and learning to work on you and to love yourself is how you start to get your self esteem, self worth and self confidence back. It isn't about the alcoholic or the addict, but about YOU and your life and the best way to live it.
I suggest you TRY 6 meetings and TRY reading some of the stuff they have. I think you will be surprised. You may need other help as well, but if you cannot do that, alAnon is a great way to start. AlAnon is about taking the focus off the addict or alocoholic and what they are doing and what they are doing to you.. it is about learning to let go of resentments and not being a victim of your own anger at being a victim of his behavior as an addict!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
so Alone -
You are NOT alone. Yes, I have felt that crazy. Sometimes I've felt like a lunatic and was sure I needed to be locked up in a psych ward.
I'm not sure you quite understand where your pain is stemming from -- is it lack of fulfillment in your relationship? or is it an emptiness you feel within yourself? I know when I use to feel horribly depressed way back when... and I've struggled with depression for YEARS and I am in my mid twenties as well... I would attribute it to something missing in my relationship simply because that was the easiest thing to blame or to fix.
If there was never the broken trust and betrayal and hurt from the addiction, would you still be completely happy with him?
What I've found to be true, for me anyways, is that if addicts find recovery they want to erase the entire past and start right here, at square one and forget about all the horrible things they did when they were in active addiction. For them, they need to do that, but for us it's more difficult. My abf constantly just asks me if we can put the past behind us and when I try to without adequately working through my feelings I become incredibly angry.
I cannot forget and when I try to, there is a subconcious resentment that finds a way to surface and to come between any closeness I may begin to feel.
Maybe think about writing him a long letter and pouring out all of your feelings onto paper. Even if you don't send it to him, it can help to sort things out- often times in our heads it's just a tangled web of racing thoughts that just translate into craziness for us.
I know you're in pain, but don't self medicate- what can it do but only temporarily freeze the pain and cause it to come back with more force the next time. There is an incredibly supportive group here at SR that can help you sort out what it is you're going through. I think if you ask yourself the right questions, you may get alot of answers about your situation that you weren't aware of and that may surprise you. Addiction has a way of jumbling so much in our minds that we cease to exercise ANY logic. For me I always liken this to pressing your nose up against a painting- all you see is colors. You're too consumed by what is in front of you and you only see a blurred spot incredibly close- you don't realize that it is a painting that must be viewed at a distace so that you can see it for what it really is- more than just that colored spot on a canvas. Viewing the painting in its entirety is perspective or seeing things as they really are. I know my experience with my bf's addiction STILL has me so twisted up mentally and emotionally despite the fact that it burned away almost every ounce of self esteem I ever possessed (and trust me I didn't have a surplus of it to begin with!)
I truly believe that the answer to returning to reality and beginning to clear our minds lies in learning how to take cares of ourselves- what we need at that given moment to make us feel more comfortable and safe with ourselves- examining what we WANT in our life and what will make us happy.
You are so not alone and some days I take a few steps forward, some a few steps back, but you are not standing alone in your spot. Many have been there before and many are still there now.
Letting go doesn't always mean giving up either. I heard a very true statement that described my experience to a T -- "Let go or be dragged." In trying to control my bf's recovery, actions - every move sometimes -- I latched my self esteem and self worth onto his drug usage. For me, I see detaching as owning your own power. I gave SO much power over my emotions to my abf to the point where he was the one controlling ME. When I came here I was confused and crazy (I'm still crazy but maybe a little less confused
-- there is much to learn from the wise women on here.
You are NOT alone. Yes, I have felt that crazy. Sometimes I've felt like a lunatic and was sure I needed to be locked up in a psych ward.
I'm not sure you quite understand where your pain is stemming from -- is it lack of fulfillment in your relationship? or is it an emptiness you feel within yourself? I know when I use to feel horribly depressed way back when... and I've struggled with depression for YEARS and I am in my mid twenties as well... I would attribute it to something missing in my relationship simply because that was the easiest thing to blame or to fix.
If there was never the broken trust and betrayal and hurt from the addiction, would you still be completely happy with him?
What I've found to be true, for me anyways, is that if addicts find recovery they want to erase the entire past and start right here, at square one and forget about all the horrible things they did when they were in active addiction. For them, they need to do that, but for us it's more difficult. My abf constantly just asks me if we can put the past behind us and when I try to without adequately working through my feelings I become incredibly angry.
I cannot forget and when I try to, there is a subconcious resentment that finds a way to surface and to come between any closeness I may begin to feel.
Maybe think about writing him a long letter and pouring out all of your feelings onto paper. Even if you don't send it to him, it can help to sort things out- often times in our heads it's just a tangled web of racing thoughts that just translate into craziness for us.
I know you're in pain, but don't self medicate- what can it do but only temporarily freeze the pain and cause it to come back with more force the next time. There is an incredibly supportive group here at SR that can help you sort out what it is you're going through. I think if you ask yourself the right questions, you may get alot of answers about your situation that you weren't aware of and that may surprise you. Addiction has a way of jumbling so much in our minds that we cease to exercise ANY logic. For me I always liken this to pressing your nose up against a painting- all you see is colors. You're too consumed by what is in front of you and you only see a blurred spot incredibly close- you don't realize that it is a painting that must be viewed at a distace so that you can see it for what it really is- more than just that colored spot on a canvas. Viewing the painting in its entirety is perspective or seeing things as they really are. I know my experience with my bf's addiction STILL has me so twisted up mentally and emotionally despite the fact that it burned away almost every ounce of self esteem I ever possessed (and trust me I didn't have a surplus of it to begin with!)
I truly believe that the answer to returning to reality and beginning to clear our minds lies in learning how to take cares of ourselves- what we need at that given moment to make us feel more comfortable and safe with ourselves- examining what we WANT in our life and what will make us happy.
You are so not alone and some days I take a few steps forward, some a few steps back, but you are not standing alone in your spot. Many have been there before and many are still there now.
Letting go doesn't always mean giving up either. I heard a very true statement that described my experience to a T -- "Let go or be dragged." In trying to control my bf's recovery, actions - every move sometimes -- I latched my self esteem and self worth onto his drug usage. For me, I see detaching as owning your own power. I gave SO much power over my emotions to my abf to the point where he was the one controlling ME. When I came here I was confused and crazy (I'm still crazy but maybe a little less confused
-- there is much to learn from the wise women on here.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Yes, as Heather says,you are not alone. the best thing about this forum is that we have all been where you are at times. You are young and that is good. You can heal and become whole again. Start taking care of yourself and focusing on you. Why wouldn't you be angry? He has taken so much. NOw it is time to stop that and take care of you.
krhea
krhea
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are not alone. we have all been right where you are now.me with my son. one thing i will point out. 10 yrs down the road you may not be dealing with this but he as an addict will deal with it every day. an addict is an addict forever. welcome to s.r. you have come to the right place.start working on your recovery & the steps will help you learn to deal with addict behavior & how how to take care of yourself. keep coming back.prayers, hope
Clyde's Bonnie
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Manchester, CT
Posts: 128
So Alone, you remind me of me. 3 yrs ago. Get help /recover seperetly, the both of you. Then after some time come together- it won't be forever, but to be a good couple u both have to be good seperate too! It will be hard but it is a gift to yourself that u deserve. If u guys are meant to be you will be no matter what, and you are both just getting help, not getting new a bf or gf. maybe u two could make a deal to get help for a year seperatly and then come back to reunite- make an actual date if it helps- but don't focus on it, keep it in your mind, just not in the front. I think it will be a good test to see if u both get help and still have "love" for each other, why waste years with someone that when u both recover u find u are not good together? Good luck an always best wishes- Alanon would be a good start. Also cherck with your insurance or a sliding fee scale counselor. It will help everything. Help helps, if u want it to.
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