Need Advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 48
Need Advice
I actually thought that things were going to turn around for a minute but it seems like I may have been wrong. I am trying to keep myself out of another bad situation with my son.
Two weeks ago he called me and asked me for help. He told me he wanted to make changes in his life and that he was ending his relationship with his gf which was also his drug supplier. He said that he wanted to go back to the recovery house in Florida where he was 3 years ago. So I took him to two treatment hospitals and they wouldn't admit him because the only thing that was showing up in his urine was marijuana. Anyway while we were at the first hospital waiting he meets a girl who was waiting with her mother. My son has been talking on the phone with this girl ever since.
He is current in Florida and was supposed to stay until xmas and come stay at my house until he got a job and his own apt. The plans are now changed. He now wants to live with my brother who lives near the girl. He says so that he will be able to get around better because it is in the city. He now calls me tonight telling me that he found prescription drugs in his room and that he can't take it anymore and wants to come home sooner.
I just don't trust things. I don't want my brother and his wife who have been through a lot of problems take him in and have to deal with more crap. They have anew baby and everything. I don't need to have the phone calls from my brother telling me that my son has to leave. I know my sister in law is not happy about him coming there. He doesn't have a good track record from the times he lived there before.
I am so worried that things are going to get bad after he comes back. I am having real bad feelings about the whole situation. I just don't know what to do. Should I tell him he has to stay until the time we agree upon? Should I warn my brother of how I am feeling about the whole situation?
I just think that if he was trying to change his life around he wouldn't be in such a hurry to come home.
Please help me.
Two weeks ago he called me and asked me for help. He told me he wanted to make changes in his life and that he was ending his relationship with his gf which was also his drug supplier. He said that he wanted to go back to the recovery house in Florida where he was 3 years ago. So I took him to two treatment hospitals and they wouldn't admit him because the only thing that was showing up in his urine was marijuana. Anyway while we were at the first hospital waiting he meets a girl who was waiting with her mother. My son has been talking on the phone with this girl ever since.
He is current in Florida and was supposed to stay until xmas and come stay at my house until he got a job and his own apt. The plans are now changed. He now wants to live with my brother who lives near the girl. He says so that he will be able to get around better because it is in the city. He now calls me tonight telling me that he found prescription drugs in his room and that he can't take it anymore and wants to come home sooner.
I just don't trust things. I don't want my brother and his wife who have been through a lot of problems take him in and have to deal with more crap. They have anew baby and everything. I don't need to have the phone calls from my brother telling me that my son has to leave. I know my sister in law is not happy about him coming there. He doesn't have a good track record from the times he lived there before.
I am so worried that things are going to get bad after he comes back. I am having real bad feelings about the whole situation. I just don't know what to do. Should I tell him he has to stay until the time we agree upon? Should I warn my brother of how I am feeling about the whole situation?
I just think that if he was trying to change his life around he wouldn't be in such a hurry to come home.
Please help me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I would be honest with your brother about your feelings...and then let go and let your brother decide what he wants to do. If he makes a bad choice, you need not feel guilty because it was his informed choice.
That doesn't mean your son has to come live with you. Why is it that we moms seem to be the "only alternative" to a life of hell....horsecookies!
You can take time to think about what you want to do. And let him think of other options. If he doesn't like prescriptions in his room, then he can move someplace else.
We moms don't have to be the last resort, nor the first choice when they want a place to go. People survive all sorts of situations without running home to their mom. I don't know why it only took me about 10 years to "get" that.
Hugs
That doesn't mean your son has to come live with you. Why is it that we moms seem to be the "only alternative" to a life of hell....horsecookies!
You can take time to think about what you want to do. And let him think of other options. If he doesn't like prescriptions in his room, then he can move someplace else.
We moms don't have to be the last resort, nor the first choice when they want a place to go. People survive all sorts of situations without running home to their mom. I don't know why it only took me about 10 years to "get" that.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
It is time that your son starts making committments and following through. If we continue to bail them out, open our doors and support their addiction - we will be considered the cause!! If your bother in willing to let him back into their home, talk to him about everything...from A to Z. If he is still willing to take him in after that..you can feel better that you informed him. You know what I find all too familar..is the fact that your son..like my daughter...finds one thing wrong..that they know will bother you...pill in the room for example...he knows you don't want him around stuff like that...so...what better reason would he have to come home. My daughter played the same cards on me. She was living with this wonderful man (no relationship involved)..and...she left his house because she said he was doing coke. I can honestly say...this man does no drugs and when I told him about it he will willing to take anytype of drug test. Now..as for my daughter who does herion, crack, coke, weed...and..anything that she can get her hands on...say that she left this house because the man was doing coke...I couldn't beleive it--i just had to laugh!!
In short, they are going to say anything to get back home because they know us parents.
In short, they are going to say anything to get back home because they know us parents.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
My as lives with me and I am having a hard time saying he has to move. I have just informed him that if he does not go to 3 meetings a week he has to find somewhere else to live. When I said it I really meant it and I hope and pray that I can follow through with it if I have to, but, if he were already living somewhere else I think I would have an easier time saying no you cannot come back. I think!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((stephensmom)))
Somehow, someway, us moms manage to feel responsible for the actions of our addicts. In my case, a long time ago, we helped our oldest get a job, with a friend, (bad idea there) and when it didn't work out, I somehow felt responsible.
The bottom line is, the only person we are responsible for is ourselves.
It is your sons job to take care of himself.
If you don't want him to return to your home, tell him, so he can make other arrangements. If he has enough money to travel back and forth from Florida, he sounds like he can provide for himself, unless I misunderstood your post.
As for your brother, tell him how you feel, and then HE'S responsible for whichever way he would like to handle the situation.
Hugs to you, I know how hard this all is....
Somehow, someway, us moms manage to feel responsible for the actions of our addicts. In my case, a long time ago, we helped our oldest get a job, with a friend, (bad idea there) and when it didn't work out, I somehow felt responsible.
The bottom line is, the only person we are responsible for is ourselves.
It is your sons job to take care of himself.
If you don't want him to return to your home, tell him, so he can make other arrangements. If he has enough money to travel back and forth from Florida, he sounds like he can provide for himself, unless I misunderstood your post.
As for your brother, tell him how you feel, and then HE'S responsible for whichever way he would like to handle the situation.
Hugs to you, I know how hard this all is....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 48
Thank you all for your help. This is why I really love this website.
Well my son is going to be coming back from Florida and he is going to my brother's house. I don't agree with any of it. I wish he would just stick it out in Florida.
I let my brother know my fears and told him that if he has to put him then my son will have to go to a shelter or something because I am not taking him back.
I also let my son know this. He says he is not going to do anything.
I am going to back up from the situation. I am really tired of being tired. I am so worn out from all of this. My nerves are really shot.
My AS has to get his life together because I obviously can't do it for him. He is going to be 22 years old next month.
Well my son is going to be coming back from Florida and he is going to my brother's house. I don't agree with any of it. I wish he would just stick it out in Florida.
I let my brother know my fears and told him that if he has to put him then my son will have to go to a shelter or something because I am not taking him back.
I also let my son know this. He says he is not going to do anything.
I am going to back up from the situation. I am really tired of being tired. I am so worn out from all of this. My nerves are really shot.
My AS has to get his life together because I obviously can't do it for him. He is going to be 22 years old next month.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
There is one boundary that I have with my daughter that I have not broken. No living at home. Will help her find the help she needs, but it is not at our house. If you get that call from your brother, you just remind him that that is why your son no longer lives at home. Hugs, Marle
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I had to ask both my kids to leave (at different times) due to their drug use.... son was 18 at the time, and daughter was 17 at the time.
Son left in a snowstorm in a car with the back window broken out and all his clothes in a pile on the back seat.
Daughter left with a case of makeup and the clothes on her back.
Both found places to stay and managed to keep themselves warm, dry, fed and .... they also managed to continue their addictions.
Today, daughter is nearly 21, married (to antoher addict - very immature and he barely works). They have one baby and one on the way and he just got out of jail.
Son is nearly 23 and he works full time at one job, part time at another, owns his own trailer home and 2 (used) cars.
Guess which one is sober? nope. Daughter is. For over 2 years, now. So is daughter's husband.
We can't predict outcomes... and letting your son find out how to stand on his own two feet... figure out how to fall is much gentler now, at age 21, than it will be in ten years... or fifteen.
He can check out Oxford Houses - they exist in nearly every state. If he is committed to being clean and sober, they can be a great place for him to figure out how to be an adult. It sounds like it is about time he did.
I wish you the best, and send prayers for you and your son.
((hugs))
Son left in a snowstorm in a car with the back window broken out and all his clothes in a pile on the back seat.
Daughter left with a case of makeup and the clothes on her back.
Both found places to stay and managed to keep themselves warm, dry, fed and .... they also managed to continue their addictions.
Today, daughter is nearly 21, married (to antoher addict - very immature and he barely works). They have one baby and one on the way and he just got out of jail.
Son is nearly 23 and he works full time at one job, part time at another, owns his own trailer home and 2 (used) cars.
Guess which one is sober? nope. Daughter is. For over 2 years, now. So is daughter's husband.
We can't predict outcomes... and letting your son find out how to stand on his own two feet... figure out how to fall is much gentler now, at age 21, than it will be in ten years... or fifteen.
He can check out Oxford Houses - they exist in nearly every state. If he is committed to being clean and sober, they can be a great place for him to figure out how to be an adult. It sounds like it is about time he did.
I wish you the best, and send prayers for you and your son.
((hugs))
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi Stephensmom
I think Trisha hit the nail right on the head. They tell you what they know will have the most effect. For instance, they know you don't want them around drugs of any kind so all of a sudden there are drugs around!
I think that's called "pushing our buttons!" It always worked for my son until I found this site! Now, nothing works anymore.
Besides why do we always think we have to be responsible for our children even after they become adults??
Speaking of adults my son will be 45 in November! Is that old enough to say NO!
You did the right thing, but prepare yourself because soon he'll think of some other way to "push those buttons!" They are so smart!
Hugs, Devastated
I think that's called "pushing our buttons!" It always worked for my son until I found this site! Now, nothing works anymore.
Besides why do we always think we have to be responsible for our children even after they become adults??
Speaking of adults my son will be 45 in November! Is that old enough to say NO!
You did the right thing, but prepare yourself because soon he'll think of some other way to "push those buttons!" They are so smart!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 48
Well I think he is going to come back and stay with my brother. I let him know and I let my brother know what anything happens after he comes back that involves drugs and alcohol that my son will have to find a shelter because I am done.
He has got to learn to stand on his own because I could be doing this until he is 50. It might as well end now.
He has got to learn to stand on his own because I could be doing this until he is 50. It might as well end now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Stephensmom, Your recovery is showing. I know it is hard to say no to your child, but you are doing the right thing. If your brother calls and starts to say your son did this or that, just tell him you don't want to hear it. Please go to a face to face meeting, they help. There is one tomorrow night in Pitman @ 7:30. If you want more information let me know.
Hugs coming to you
Hugs coming to you
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
Originally Posted by stephensmom 
Well I think he is going to come back and stay with my brother.
mom hugs, i understand your frustration - k
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