When do you stop being a friend and start being an enabler?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 2
When do you stop being a friend and start being an enabler?
Today I did something I should have done a long time ago - I am finally seeking information on my long-time friend's multiple drug addictions. At first I looked up every single substance I know he has popped/snorted/injected and ended up feeling completely overloaded by all this useless information but still quite empty.
Which lead me to this site-
We've been very good friends on/off for about five years now - on/off mostly because we both move around a lot and only occasionally find ourselves living in the same city or even the same country. Whenever we get a chance to pick up on a full-time friendship, he always has new disturbing stories to tell of his drug adventures, which seem to become more and more severe as the years pass. Recently, we moved to the same city yet again and coincidentally bumped into each other at our local bar.
I hardly recognized him though, he's changed so much in the past year; he was lively and animated, his speech was clear and inspired and is eyes weren't grey like I remember them. Later I noticed that the hole in his arm, where he would usually shoot up, had turned into a mere scar.
And I'm thinking, I don't know this person anymore.
However, this is no sunshine story - he's still using what some would call "recreational drugs" everyday plus various prescription drugs (which are actually prescribed to him), and he doesn't seem to have a problem with that. We often talk about all these things, and he's very open and honest about it, but I don't know where to put myself in all this or what to think about it or to what extend I should accept it.
So today I've been looking around this forum for other people with similar experiences, but all I get are posts similar to the "What Addicts Do" sticky. I don't see my friend in this though; my friend has feelings and empathy, he is capable of love. He does not lie through his teeth and he has never hurt me.
But I don't know how to be his friend. Can I accept and embrace my friend completely, including his addiction? Is it okay if I don't try to make him go to rehab or don't keep telling him I dissaprove of the abuse? Am I enabling him when we occasionally smoke weed together? Can I give him money for a bus ticket?
Which lead me to this site-
We've been very good friends on/off for about five years now - on/off mostly because we both move around a lot and only occasionally find ourselves living in the same city or even the same country. Whenever we get a chance to pick up on a full-time friendship, he always has new disturbing stories to tell of his drug adventures, which seem to become more and more severe as the years pass. Recently, we moved to the same city yet again and coincidentally bumped into each other at our local bar.
I hardly recognized him though, he's changed so much in the past year; he was lively and animated, his speech was clear and inspired and is eyes weren't grey like I remember them. Later I noticed that the hole in his arm, where he would usually shoot up, had turned into a mere scar.
And I'm thinking, I don't know this person anymore.
However, this is no sunshine story - he's still using what some would call "recreational drugs" everyday plus various prescription drugs (which are actually prescribed to him), and he doesn't seem to have a problem with that. We often talk about all these things, and he's very open and honest about it, but I don't know where to put myself in all this or what to think about it or to what extend I should accept it.
So today I've been looking around this forum for other people with similar experiences, but all I get are posts similar to the "What Addicts Do" sticky. I don't see my friend in this though; my friend has feelings and empathy, he is capable of love. He does not lie through his teeth and he has never hurt me.
But I don't know how to be his friend. Can I accept and embrace my friend completely, including his addiction? Is it okay if I don't try to make him go to rehab or don't keep telling him I dissaprove of the abuse? Am I enabling him when we occasionally smoke weed together? Can I give him money for a bus ticket?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: GA
Posts: 49
I will only say this.
You say he's doing "recreational" drugs everyday. That's an indication as to where he's headed. And as for the prescription drugs (which, you say, are "actually prescribed" for him), let me tell you...Rx addicts justify their drug use by believing that since the medication is "prescribed" , it's ok. But they get drugs from multiple doctors who don't know about their addiction and don't know that other doctors are prescribing the same meds. They eventually steal meds from friends and family (guard your medicine cabinet). They can also get a "doctor" to prescribe drugs for them through an online pharmacy where they pay some money, talk to a doctor for 60 seconds, then get their meds sent out to them via fedex.
Do what you want as far as your friendship, but don't delude yourself into thinking that this addict is different from any other.
LH
You say he's doing "recreational" drugs everyday. That's an indication as to where he's headed. And as for the prescription drugs (which, you say, are "actually prescribed" for him), let me tell you...Rx addicts justify their drug use by believing that since the medication is "prescribed" , it's ok. But they get drugs from multiple doctors who don't know about their addiction and don't know that other doctors are prescribing the same meds. They eventually steal meds from friends and family (guard your medicine cabinet). They can also get a "doctor" to prescribe drugs for them through an online pharmacy where they pay some money, talk to a doctor for 60 seconds, then get their meds sent out to them via fedex.
Do what you want as far as your friendship, but don't delude yourself into thinking that this addict is different from any other.
LH
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
JMO...
Chances are you've remained friends this long because of the distance. Distance, or not having a front row seat is what many of us strive to achieve.
If you choose to remain good friends, and will be close enough to witness the chaos, then buckle your seatbelt...its going to be a bumpy ride.
Nothing you do or say may change what he does...we stop or start doing things to help change ourselves, once we've become so enmeshed in their lifestyle we can barely breathe.
Its your life...you decide what to accept.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Chances are you've remained friends this long because of the distance. Distance, or not having a front row seat is what many of us strive to achieve.
If you choose to remain good friends, and will be close enough to witness the chaos, then buckle your seatbelt...its going to be a bumpy ride.
Nothing you do or say may change what he does...we stop or start doing things to help change ourselves, once we've become so enmeshed in their lifestyle we can barely breathe.
Its your life...you decide what to accept.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
My brother is in the same place....
I had one post done and don't know where it went. My brother drinks and uses drugs when he can get enough money together. The last time I went to see him he was living in the family home, renting a bedroom to a homeless person, getting water in buckets from the neighbors to flush the toilet, and had no heat or phone. 
He wanted me to bail him out of jail once since our parents have been gone but I refused to do it. He got money from the pending estate, because he used a lawyer from the office handling the estate,to bail himself out.
I finally hired a lawyer in town because I live clear accross the state from him. It has gone through court now and the court has appointed a reality to handle the sale of the house. It is a five bedroom house in good shape for its age but won't be before long the way my brother is keeping it up.
kelsh
He wanted me to bail him out of jail once since our parents have been gone but I refused to do it. He got money from the pending estate, because he used a lawyer from the office handling the estate,to bail himself out.
I finally hired a lawyer in town because I live clear accross the state from him. It has gone through court now and the court has appointed a reality to handle the sale of the house. It is a five bedroom house in good shape for its age but won't be before long the way my brother is keeping it up.
kelsh
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I agree with Cece that the distance has probably helped your friendship. It's much easier when you are not living in the same home or seeing everything unfold. Accepting him and not trying to change him is fine...if that is what you can handle. It really is all about what you want and are comfortable with.
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