looking for all the help and information i can get
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 3
looking for all the help and information i can get
hello, i'm new posting here. I've come here over the past couple weeks searching for help and information. i have found this site to be very useful. I haven't been able to read everything yet, but i'm working on it.
About two weeks ago my bf of over a year told me that he had been snorting heroin for several months. It felt like I had been run over by a freight train over and over again. My insides, ripped out and shredded into pieces.
Looking back over those months, i knew he was doing something. Things just didn't feel right, he lied to me, took money from me, talked to different people. I almost busted him a few times, walked in on him shortly before or after; he would come up with some excuse or reasoning for what i had seen. Turn the situation around to make me feel like the bad guy. I was coming to a breaking point. I was ready to kick his ass to the curb. That's when he broke down and told me.
As his words rammed into my skull, "i've been using dope", i crumbled. I couldn't shut my mind off for days. It was non-stop. I hated him. I hated myself. How could he do this to himself? To me? Why didn't i follow my gut and not give in when i knew something was going on? Everything we did during that time, anniversary, special occasions, whatever, is tainted.
That first week or so was hell. It's still hard. I'm having some problems fully trusting him again, and it's still hard for me to really grasp everything that happened.
He chose to go to a methadone clinic, so i've been taking him every morning. And he's been doing well and I've met with his counselor, which was very reassuring. I have my good days and my bad days, obviously. I think too much, worry too much. Can't help but worry that he may not be ready to really quit. He's gone from heroin to weed now. Something he had done on occasion before, but since he stopped using its been daily...and a lot too. It's frustrating. He said he was gonna cut back today, so I'll have to see about that.
Just a couple questions I've had...Is there a right or wrong thing to say or do when dealing with person just starting their recovery? I always get worried that if i say the wrong thing it'll push him right back to using.
Can you ever fully trust someone again?
Well, thanks for reading. Sorry so long, but just felt like getting some stuff down.
About two weeks ago my bf of over a year told me that he had been snorting heroin for several months. It felt like I had been run over by a freight train over and over again. My insides, ripped out and shredded into pieces.
Looking back over those months, i knew he was doing something. Things just didn't feel right, he lied to me, took money from me, talked to different people. I almost busted him a few times, walked in on him shortly before or after; he would come up with some excuse or reasoning for what i had seen. Turn the situation around to make me feel like the bad guy. I was coming to a breaking point. I was ready to kick his ass to the curb. That's when he broke down and told me.
As his words rammed into my skull, "i've been using dope", i crumbled. I couldn't shut my mind off for days. It was non-stop. I hated him. I hated myself. How could he do this to himself? To me? Why didn't i follow my gut and not give in when i knew something was going on? Everything we did during that time, anniversary, special occasions, whatever, is tainted.
That first week or so was hell. It's still hard. I'm having some problems fully trusting him again, and it's still hard for me to really grasp everything that happened.
He chose to go to a methadone clinic, so i've been taking him every morning. And he's been doing well and I've met with his counselor, which was very reassuring. I have my good days and my bad days, obviously. I think too much, worry too much. Can't help but worry that he may not be ready to really quit. He's gone from heroin to weed now. Something he had done on occasion before, but since he stopped using its been daily...and a lot too. It's frustrating. He said he was gonna cut back today, so I'll have to see about that.
Just a couple questions I've had...Is there a right or wrong thing to say or do when dealing with person just starting their recovery? I always get worried that if i say the wrong thing it'll push him right back to using.
Can you ever fully trust someone again?
Well, thanks for reading. Sorry so long, but just felt like getting some stuff down.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Hi and welcome. You've found a great place ~ there are lots of people here who will have good advice and words of wisdom to share.
I'm still very much a work in progress myself, but SR , reading (try Codependent No More by Melody Beattie if you are able), and meetings have helped tremendously.
When I first came here, someone gave me a great gift, called the Three C's
~
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
Focus on yourself and what you want your future to look like. He'll do what ever he decides to do, and you won't push him into using or recovery.
Keep posting ~ we're here for you.
I'm still very much a work in progress myself, but SR , reading (try Codependent No More by Melody Beattie if you are able), and meetings have helped tremendously.
When I first came here, someone gave me a great gift, called the Three C's
~
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
Focus on yourself and what you want your future to look like. He'll do what ever he decides to do, and you won't push him into using or recovery.
Keep posting ~ we're here for you.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((kmw1030)))))
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
He will use if he wants to don't allow yourself to be used as an excuse to use. If he says you made him use throw it right back to him and place the responsibility on the one using...him
The only one in control of his using is him. Don't let him lead you to the conclusion that what he does or chooses is somehow up to you. If you can only get one thing in your head get this!!! Take good care of you and keep the focus where it belongs on you not him...
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
He will use if he wants to don't allow yourself to be used as an excuse to use. If he says you made him use throw it right back to him and place the responsibility on the one using...him
The only one in control of his using is him. Don't let him lead you to the conclusion that what he does or chooses is somehow up to you. If you can only get one thing in your head get this!!! Take good care of you and keep the focus where it belongs on you not him...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us. there are alot of people here that are in your shoes or have been before. my addict is my son & if there was anything i could do to keep him from using i would. there is nothing u can do to stop him, nothing, if he is not serious about getting clean & in my opinion he isn't if he is doing pot.in order to get clean or be clean you stop it all, no excuses. herion is really hard to get off of. can you ever trust him again??? the answer is he will have to have a lot of clean time in, yrs.... read the stickys at the top of the forum if you haven't, especially "what addicts do". it does not get any better. maybe a inpatient rehab, if he is serious. the choice is yours to stay with him or not. it is a longgg hard road with an addict & sometimes they never get clean.i am sorry you have to hear this but it is all true. read around. also he will blame any body & everybody for his use but himself. alway excuses. i will say a pray for you both. keep coming back, hope
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome to SR kmw, read all the sticky posts at the top of the page, like hope said, "what addicts do" is really good info. Keep reading and posting. You'll get lots of support and encouragement here. Only he can control whether he uses or whether he quits. You cannot. We that love addicts have tried to control them clean, love them clean, yell at them clean... whatever, but it just doesn't work until the addict truly wants to quit themselves. Saying a prayer that this will be your bf's time to quit.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 46
Hi, I'm sorry for what you're going through right now. I was in your exact position about a year ago and I remember that terrible feeling when I first found out what was going on-it was so much worse than I had feared. All I can do is tell you that if you choose to stay, more than likely it's going to get worse before it gets better. I am still with my abf of almost two years and the past year has been more difficult and painful than I ever thought possible. He is now 3 months into his recovery but it got much much worse before he got to this point (and it always has the possibility of getting that bad again). He moved from snorting to shooting heroin and my life spiraled out of control with his. I never thought I'd be dating an intravenous drug user but suddenly I was. He tried methodone and suboxone many times but always reverted back to heroin. Methodone is also highly addictive.
I don't know if there's a right or wrong way to deal with someone in your bf's position. No matter what I did or said, mine would always use dope if he wanted to. The things everyone told me to do (kick him out, have him arrested, refuse his calls, etc) I was never able to do. I didn't kick him out until I had put up with it for a year and finally found him overdosed in our bathroom.
All I can say is he won't really get better until he's sick of living like he is. Protect yourself and your finances. If he knows he can steal from you he will do so over and over again. People have ended up in serious debt because of their addicts. Don't give him access to anything financial of yours. Coming on here and talking to people really does help. Even if you don't take the advice, it helps to know you're not alone
I don't know if there's a right or wrong way to deal with someone in your bf's position. No matter what I did or said, mine would always use dope if he wanted to. The things everyone told me to do (kick him out, have him arrested, refuse his calls, etc) I was never able to do. I didn't kick him out until I had put up with it for a year and finally found him overdosed in our bathroom.
All I can say is he won't really get better until he's sick of living like he is. Protect yourself and your finances. If he knows he can steal from you he will do so over and over again. People have ended up in serious debt because of their addicts. Don't give him access to anything financial of yours. Coming on here and talking to people really does help. Even if you don't take the advice, it helps to know you're not alone
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Its a rollercoaster ride kmw, so fasten your seat belt because more of your day's will be up, then down. I am sorry to hear about your relationship and that you have recently found out your boyfriend is using.
Trust comes with building and earning it. It doesn't get handed on a platter. So if you don't trust him, don't force yourself too. It may be your instincts kicking in that is telling you he is lying-and believe me they all lie, and way too often.
Get educated as much as you can, because addiction never magically disappears overnight. Addiction is not healthy. Period.
I am glad to meet you, keep posting and will we be along shortly..
Trust comes with building and earning it. It doesn't get handed on a platter. So if you don't trust him, don't force yourself too. It may be your instincts kicking in that is telling you he is lying-and believe me they all lie, and way too often.
Get educated as much as you can, because addiction never magically disappears overnight. Addiction is not healthy. Period.
I am glad to meet you, keep posting and will we be along shortly..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
kmw,
Welcome to sr! I am so glad you have decided to open up to us, although I'm not glad of the situation that brought you here. Others have posted wonderful things above me, but I wanted to add too that it is normal for addicts to place blame in those around them for everything possible. That way they can rationalize their behavior, at least in their minds. It's not only normal, but it's actually a very likely symptom of the addiction; just proof that their minds have been altered by the substance.
Have you tried going to Naranon or Alanon meetings? I, and many others here, have found them to be very helpful. At the meetings, you would learn some very useful techniques for dealing with your pain from his addiction. Coming here is great too, but sometimes it can be so useful to be face to face in the same room with others who know what you've been through.
As far as saying the "wrong" thing to him, don't be worried about that. If he is ready to recover, he will. If not, he will find an excuse not to, whether he blames you or something else. The excuse is irrelevant, his motives and his actions would be the same regardless. So please don't allow yourself to feel tense because you're afraid to hurt him. I felt that way with my sister for a long time (who is a recovering heroin addict), and it only made me miserable. Finally, I just told her that I was not used to dealing with drug addiction, let alone recovery, and that I wanted to apologize in advance in case I said something the wrong way, and you know what her response was? SHE actually told ME to not think of it that way, that SHE is responsible for HER recovery, not me or anyone else. If your bf is truly ready to recover, which I hope he is, then there is nothing you can say or do that will cause him to slip if he wasn't already planning to.
As far as trusting him goes, I would take it one day at a time. Learning to focus on your recovery will help with this.
Lastly, I have to admit I smiled when you called your post long, because mine are almost always twice that length... and getting things out is what this forum is for; so no need to ever apologize for that here. Please keep coming back. We're like a family here, and there's always room for one more.
*hugs and prayers*
Welcome to sr! I am so glad you have decided to open up to us, although I'm not glad of the situation that brought you here. Others have posted wonderful things above me, but I wanted to add too that it is normal for addicts to place blame in those around them for everything possible. That way they can rationalize their behavior, at least in their minds. It's not only normal, but it's actually a very likely symptom of the addiction; just proof that their minds have been altered by the substance.
Have you tried going to Naranon or Alanon meetings? I, and many others here, have found them to be very helpful. At the meetings, you would learn some very useful techniques for dealing with your pain from his addiction. Coming here is great too, but sometimes it can be so useful to be face to face in the same room with others who know what you've been through.
As far as saying the "wrong" thing to him, don't be worried about that. If he is ready to recover, he will. If not, he will find an excuse not to, whether he blames you or something else. The excuse is irrelevant, his motives and his actions would be the same regardless. So please don't allow yourself to feel tense because you're afraid to hurt him. I felt that way with my sister for a long time (who is a recovering heroin addict), and it only made me miserable. Finally, I just told her that I was not used to dealing with drug addiction, let alone recovery, and that I wanted to apologize in advance in case I said something the wrong way, and you know what her response was? SHE actually told ME to not think of it that way, that SHE is responsible for HER recovery, not me or anyone else. If your bf is truly ready to recover, which I hope he is, then there is nothing you can say or do that will cause him to slip if he wasn't already planning to.
As far as trusting him goes, I would take it one day at a time. Learning to focus on your recovery will help with this.
Lastly, I have to admit I smiled when you called your post long, because mine are almost always twice that length... and getting things out is what this forum is for; so no need to ever apologize for that here. Please keep coming back. We're like a family here, and there's always room for one more.
*hugs and prayers*
It gets a whole lot easier when you don't have to take this walk alone.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Lots of good advice above me.
The one thing that helped me the most was attending lots of Alanon meetings and working the steps.
That's not the "only" way, but it is what helped me.
(((hugs)))
The one thing that helped me the most was attending lots of Alanon meetings and working the steps.
That's not the "only" way, but it is what helped me.
(((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 3
Just wanted to say thank you all for your posts and advice. Anything and everything helps! Especially knowing that I am not alone. I will definitely be looking into meetings and everything else for myself. I, like maddie, never thought i'd be dating a drug user of any kind so i never knew anything about any of it. Now I need to fully educate myself and be aware of everything. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read and reply! Thanks again!!
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