Language of Letting Go - August 19
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - August 19
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of Shame
Shame is that dark, powerful feeling that holds us back. Yes, shame can stop us from acting inappropriately. But many of us have learned to attach shame to healthy behaviors that are in our best interest.
In dysfunctional families, shame can be tagged to healthy behaviors such as talking about feelings, making choices, taking care of ourselves, having fun, being successful, or even feeling good about ourselves.
Shame may have been attached to asking for what we want and need, to communicating directly and honestly, and to giving and receiving love.
Sometimes shame disguises itself as fear, rage, indifference, or a need to run and hide, wrote Stephanie E. But if it feels dark and makes us feel bad about being who we are, it's probably shame.
In recovery, we are learning to identify shame. When we can recognize it, we can begin to let go of it. We can love and accept ourselves - starting now.
We have a right to be, to be here, and to be who we are. And we don't ever have to let shame tell us any differently.
Today, I will attack and conquer the shame in my life.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Letting Go of Shame
Shame is that dark, powerful feeling that holds us back. Yes, shame can stop us from acting inappropriately. But many of us have learned to attach shame to healthy behaviors that are in our best interest.
In dysfunctional families, shame can be tagged to healthy behaviors such as talking about feelings, making choices, taking care of ourselves, having fun, being successful, or even feeling good about ourselves.
Shame may have been attached to asking for what we want and need, to communicating directly and honestly, and to giving and receiving love.
Sometimes shame disguises itself as fear, rage, indifference, or a need to run and hide, wrote Stephanie E. But if it feels dark and makes us feel bad about being who we are, it's probably shame.
In recovery, we are learning to identify shame. When we can recognize it, we can begin to let go of it. We can love and accept ourselves - starting now.
We have a right to be, to be here, and to be who we are. And we don't ever have to let shame tell us any differently.
Today, I will attack and conquer the shame in my life.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Something occurred to me as I read this reading this morning...I only feel shame about my son and my codependency when I am with people who have no clue about addiction or codependency, and these same people are people whose opinions I may not normally respect anyway. The kind of people who are gossips or mean spirited or think of themselves as "better than".
I can share openly and freely with people I trust, and I may feel many emotions as I share but shame is not one of them under these circumstances.
I'll have to think about this. I'll think about why I would want to share at all, even a little bit, with people who gossip or would never understand in a million years.
Regardless of why this happens, I will remember that shame has nothing to do with any of this. I am who I am and I have always done the best I could and when I made mistakes, I learned from them and grew...no shame in that.
Hugs
I can share openly and freely with people I trust, and I may feel many emotions as I share but shame is not one of them under these circumstances.
I'll have to think about this. I'll think about why I would want to share at all, even a little bit, with people who gossip or would never understand in a million years.
Regardless of why this happens, I will remember that shame has nothing to do with any of this. I am who I am and I have always done the best I could and when I made mistakes, I learned from them and grew...no shame in that.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i use to feel shame,& embarrassment because of my son & before him my alcoholic exhusband. i stayed to myself & would not invite any of my family over because of this. today other peoples opinions do not matter to me as much. i can thank my recovery for this. i am blessed today because i do have this program in my life & i enjoy life so much more.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
I am the person you talked about.........
Ann,
I just read you post, and I am part of the person that you talked about. I don't understand addicts and their choice to start drugs in the first place and I don't understand people who tolerate it. Although reading these posts, it appears to me that love for someone is so overpowering that they choose to live with it. I just don't understand!! I have tried to understand, but...just don't get it. These people (users) are not strong enough to say no in the beginning and we expect them to be strong enough to get clean?? I am just sooo frustrated because people are willing to put the people they love through something like this. This isn't love, this is someone acting shelfish on their part and that person could careless what it is doing to others around them.
I had known that my dauther had a problem and this went on for years. I didn't and won't tolerate drugs in my home or anywhere around me. To me, if you make this choice, you make it knowing that you will no longer be a part of my life. My daughter had been gone for many years, and I can't tell you the countless nights I sit up and worry because I hear about another body being found on the side of the road. Usually I was never more thankful when I finally heard from her.
I am hoping by reading these posts, that something clicks for me, because right now, I don't have simpathy for users or addicts who have chosen this path because they were weak and couldn't handle lifes challenges. Sorry if this sounds mean...I just DONT UNDERSTAND!!
I just read you post, and I am part of the person that you talked about. I don't understand addicts and their choice to start drugs in the first place and I don't understand people who tolerate it. Although reading these posts, it appears to me that love for someone is so overpowering that they choose to live with it. I just don't understand!! I have tried to understand, but...just don't get it. These people (users) are not strong enough to say no in the beginning and we expect them to be strong enough to get clean?? I am just sooo frustrated because people are willing to put the people they love through something like this. This isn't love, this is someone acting shelfish on their part and that person could careless what it is doing to others around them.
I had known that my dauther had a problem and this went on for years. I didn't and won't tolerate drugs in my home or anywhere around me. To me, if you make this choice, you make it knowing that you will no longer be a part of my life. My daughter had been gone for many years, and I can't tell you the countless nights I sit up and worry because I hear about another body being found on the side of the road. Usually I was never more thankful when I finally heard from her.
I am hoping by reading these posts, that something clicks for me, because right now, I don't have simpathy for users or addicts who have chosen this path because they were weak and couldn't handle lifes challenges. Sorry if this sounds mean...I just DONT UNDERSTAND!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1
Mother in law
my mother in law can't stand me. I'm not 100% sure she's an alcoholic, but I know I am. She has pretty much cut my husband and myself from what was a very close family before I married her son. She tries to turn the rest of the family against me siting various insignificant incidents where she calls me "selfish"... Like when I lost a valuable earring and went to look for it when everyone was heading down to the beach (summer vacation)...
Or when I suggested a water cooler as Xmas present to her and her husband ...rather than a grill.
I had no ill feelings and was simply trying to please her by being interested.
3 years have gone by that me and my daughter (7years old now) were not invited to the beach with the rest of the family.
It has been so hurtful and shameful to me and my husband ..😔
I've tried to reach out and make peace, I've talked to her husband but she won't talk to me.
I don't know what to do, but it is tearing our family apart!
Or when I suggested a water cooler as Xmas present to her and her husband ...rather than a grill.
I had no ill feelings and was simply trying to please her by being interested.
3 years have gone by that me and my daughter (7years old now) were not invited to the beach with the rest of the family.
It has been so hurtful and shameful to me and my husband ..😔
I've tried to reach out and make peace, I've talked to her husband but she won't talk to me.
I don't know what to do, but it is tearing our family apart!
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sometimes you just can't change mean spirited people, even if they are family.
Did I misunderstand or did you say that you are an alcoholic? If you are, maybe now would be a good time to start taking very good care of yourself, and poo on what anyone else thinks or does.
You are worth the effort to make your life better, safer and one of sobriety.
Welcome to SR, I hope you find some comfort here.
I'm not 100% sure she's an alcoholic, but I know I am.
You are worth the effort to make your life better, safer and one of sobriety.
Welcome to SR, I hope you find some comfort here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Ann,
All I can say it - me too.
In a very small nutshell - daughter is a heroin addict, 18+ months clean - doing great.
When she first announced her addiction and early on in her recovery - her addiction was a "dirty-little-family-secret". Neither she or we wanted anyone to know - shame and embarrassment reigned. We kept the group of "fully informed" persons strictly to family. The others who asked about our daughter's whereabouts were fed a "cover story". "She moved to Florida with several of her friends." This IS true, it just lacks a couple of little details - the friends are all fellow addicts from the same rehab that moved to the same sober living house - we must have forgotten to mention that ;^)!
It did not take long for me to tell someone else outside of the family -- I had to talk to someone, my daughter's addiction gnawed at my very soul 24/7. Luckily, I chose well, a friend from church who as it turned out had been married previously to an alcoholic. She was and still is very supportive.
Even before our daughter was out of her 28 day rehab, we found Nar Anon -- what a blessing! It was simply awesome to be in a room with other people who had basically the same story and really understood. They had all been there, done that and had the tee shirt. I would leave our meeting and start wishing the week away so I could be at the next meeting.
Fast forward 18 months: Daughter has no shame left at all - she works in a detox facility in Florida and is living and preaching the message of NA to anyone who will listen. Has a sponsor, has 2 sponsees of her own, works and teaches the program every day. She loves her work!
The local group who now know the truth has grown but still is not huge.
That is about to change.
My wife and I have been in the process of organizing an event / seminar at our Church for almost a year. The event features a locally, well known speaker. She tells her and her daughter's story of addiction, rehab, relapse and ultimately the daughter's death from a heroin overdose. She has been giving this presentation for more than 15 years and has it down to a polished, powerful and disturbing presentation. In addition to our keynote speaker, we will have various recovery oriented groups available to distribute literature and speak with attendees - rehabs, detox, counselors, sober houses and the like.
Opiate and heroin addiction and overdose deaths are big in our area and getting bigger. Our Church staff is behind our efforts 110% except for the Youth Ministry Team who backs us 1000%, and it almost seems like the local press is "in on it" also as stories are picking up in frequency.
We will soon be "out of the closet" at Church. As soon as the September newsletter is published with the event announcement with our names listed as the sponsors and information contacts - people will probably start to connect the dots........if they do not figure it out from the announcement, they will surely know after the event!
Considering that I am on the Board of Trustees and my wife is a sitting Elder at this church - I am certain there will be some eyebrows raised and there will definitely be a twitter in the "Amen pew". But we have decided -so what?! Our shame and embarrassment is gone - the message is important enough that we don't care. Our daughter loves that we are doing this and encourages us every step of the way.
If our speaker can reach just one high school kid and maybe influence their choices, or help one set of parents to find help for their child - it will be worth the effort.
Without being specific, our event is in late September in Wilmington, DE. Open to the public. I don't know if it is appropriate or permissible to post event specifics here - staff comments are welcome. Or maybe there is a way on this forum for private contact - I just do not know how that is done.
Thanks for letting me share,
Jim
All I can say it - me too.
In a very small nutshell - daughter is a heroin addict, 18+ months clean - doing great.
When she first announced her addiction and early on in her recovery - her addiction was a "dirty-little-family-secret". Neither she or we wanted anyone to know - shame and embarrassment reigned. We kept the group of "fully informed" persons strictly to family. The others who asked about our daughter's whereabouts were fed a "cover story". "She moved to Florida with several of her friends." This IS true, it just lacks a couple of little details - the friends are all fellow addicts from the same rehab that moved to the same sober living house - we must have forgotten to mention that ;^)!
It did not take long for me to tell someone else outside of the family -- I had to talk to someone, my daughter's addiction gnawed at my very soul 24/7. Luckily, I chose well, a friend from church who as it turned out had been married previously to an alcoholic. She was and still is very supportive.
Even before our daughter was out of her 28 day rehab, we found Nar Anon -- what a blessing! It was simply awesome to be in a room with other people who had basically the same story and really understood. They had all been there, done that and had the tee shirt. I would leave our meeting and start wishing the week away so I could be at the next meeting.
Fast forward 18 months: Daughter has no shame left at all - she works in a detox facility in Florida and is living and preaching the message of NA to anyone who will listen. Has a sponsor, has 2 sponsees of her own, works and teaches the program every day. She loves her work!
The local group who now know the truth has grown but still is not huge.
That is about to change.
My wife and I have been in the process of organizing an event / seminar at our Church for almost a year. The event features a locally, well known speaker. She tells her and her daughter's story of addiction, rehab, relapse and ultimately the daughter's death from a heroin overdose. She has been giving this presentation for more than 15 years and has it down to a polished, powerful and disturbing presentation. In addition to our keynote speaker, we will have various recovery oriented groups available to distribute literature and speak with attendees - rehabs, detox, counselors, sober houses and the like.
Opiate and heroin addiction and overdose deaths are big in our area and getting bigger. Our Church staff is behind our efforts 110% except for the Youth Ministry Team who backs us 1000%, and it almost seems like the local press is "in on it" also as stories are picking up in frequency.
We will soon be "out of the closet" at Church. As soon as the September newsletter is published with the event announcement with our names listed as the sponsors and information contacts - people will probably start to connect the dots........if they do not figure it out from the announcement, they will surely know after the event!
Considering that I am on the Board of Trustees and my wife is a sitting Elder at this church - I am certain there will be some eyebrows raised and there will definitely be a twitter in the "Amen pew". But we have decided -so what?! Our shame and embarrassment is gone - the message is important enough that we don't care. Our daughter loves that we are doing this and encourages us every step of the way.
If our speaker can reach just one high school kid and maybe influence their choices, or help one set of parents to find help for their child - it will be worth the effort.
Without being specific, our event is in late September in Wilmington, DE. Open to the public. I don't know if it is appropriate or permissible to post event specifics here - staff comments are welcome. Or maybe there is a way on this forum for private contact - I just do not know how that is done.
Thanks for letting me share,
Jim
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