Sweet Irony - Who's the crazy one now?
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Sweet Irony - Who's the crazy one now?
Well as I had mentioned yesterday- there has been a COMPLETE role reversal between abf and myself.
He is in a positive place in his recovery- relaxed and optimistic. I, however, am not in this place and have yet to truly surrender control of the situation.
I am wondering if anyone else has ever felt themselves still unhinged after their addict received treatment.
I feel so out of control and nutty sometimes- still reacting as though things are the way they USE to be and he's the one who is cool, calm and collected. It really aggravates me!
He is in a positive place in his recovery- relaxed and optimistic. I, however, am not in this place and have yet to truly surrender control of the situation.
I am wondering if anyone else has ever felt themselves still unhinged after their addict received treatment.
I feel so out of control and nutty sometimes- still reacting as though things are the way they USE to be and he's the one who is cool, calm and collected. It really aggravates me!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: BIRMINGHAM, AL
Posts: 872
Heather, something I have been reading here since I first came here alost 2 years ago, we are just as sick as they are, just on a different level. Like I said I have been coming to SR for almost 2 years and I am just now starting to see that I am sick and need help, even though I read it every day. I still have yet to surrender and admit that I am powerless. Maybe we just have thick skulls? Who knows? You are not alone. (((Heather)))
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
(((Heather))) I know it's hard and i've followed your unfortunate story as i too have been here with a crappy situation of my own. My counselor asked me today flat out .... "do you want to get better yourself, or stay feeling this way?" It really hit me and YES i do want to get better myself, i cant change what he's doing, thinking, eating, drinking, boozing, who he's seeing. I know it SUX so bad but you know what, what if he gets better and you dont??? For me, i don't want my X back at this point, he has ALOT of major issues that will take years to help but you need to focus on you, and i know i sound like the biggest hypocrite but seeing it through someone elses eyes kind of has woken me up 
i'm thinking of you and hope your feeling better soon
heather
i'm thinking of you and hope your feeling better soon heather
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I agree with Wendylost. Ive been here 18 onths and some days I am sicker then I was before, we learn a little each day.
As I said in another thread today Im a recovering thrower hitter and otherwise loud scene maker. (10 days in my new goal not to do that.)
As I said in another thread today Im a recovering thrower hitter and otherwise loud scene maker. (10 days in my new goal not to do that.)
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Heather, He may be floating in the "pink cloud" that is common to addicts early in recovery. Stop worrying about him. He still has lots of work to do on himself and things will not always be this peachy. Ever heard of PAWS (post addiction withdrawal syndrome). We are very much like the addict except minus the drugs. If you read up on PAWS, even though it is meant for the addict, it could fit us too. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Marle- He has quoted the pink cloud himself. Funny you should mention that.
Thanks, all for your comments.
I can't lie or say it's getting easier.
It's not.
I need to surrender and I know this- I am trying to force my feet to MOVE and my mind to follow along.
Today has been better.
When another is the variable for your happiness for a long time and then the dynamic changes- I think the one without any plan of recovery is grasping in the air for something.
I am a sick codependent who has been living her life based on another for quite sometime.
Practice. Practice. Practice. I am going forward with the mindset that I do deserve to be happy and to love myself and my life.
Thanks, all for your comments.
I can't lie or say it's getting easier.
It's not.
I need to surrender and I know this- I am trying to force my feet to MOVE and my mind to follow along.
Today has been better.
When another is the variable for your happiness for a long time and then the dynamic changes- I think the one without any plan of recovery is grasping in the air for something.
I am a sick codependent who has been living her life based on another for quite sometime.
Practice. Practice. Practice. I am going forward with the mindset that I do deserve to be happy and to love myself and my life.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Follow his lead, work on your recovery, don't worry about his, that is his issue to resolve, and, your recovery is your issue to resolve.
His mood(s) will change on a dime, it is all part of the recovery process, he'll be up, he'll be down, the rollercoaster ride will continue.
You cannot keep trying to hitch your star on him, it's your star, you own it, now make it shine, action, not just words.
His mood(s) will change on a dime, it is all part of the recovery process, he'll be up, he'll be down, the rollercoaster ride will continue.
You cannot keep trying to hitch your star on him, it's your star, you own it, now make it shine, action, not just words.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
ying & yang: as he moves away...you cling tighter. LET HIM GO and get on with his big job of recovery. If you don't work on your own "STUFF" any furture relationship will be toxis anyway with him or someone else. Your posts lately sound like you are afraid of the future if you can't predict it. When one cog gets adjusted the whole mechanism becomes dysfunct. in a diff. way unless all cogs get adjusted. Get busy with pilates, jogging, container gardening, paint your walls beaut. colors., get a dog, etc. Get on with your life and let the future take care of itself. Just my reaction to your collective posts .Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
well you know what they say -- definition of insanity -- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. that's what we do, forgive, take back, plan and hope, again and again, thinking this will be the time when they finally get clean and the relationship becomes what we believe it could be and then...HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thanks everyone.
I need a life beyond this man because he surely is not sitting in Florida pining over me and how much he can't move forward unless I'm there beside him.
Nope he's movin ahead with or without me.
I however am stuck in this "I need someone else to complete" me bs -- and am trying to hatch a plan to get myself out of it.
I have to physically in my bones GET IT.
I wrote a sticky note to myself by my bed that reads:
"You don't need ANYTHING or ANYONE else outside of yourself to make you whole. When you feel that emptiness setting in or the panic that you need someone's validation or reassurance- pause and acknowledge this for what it is - you looking outside of yourself for comfort. Each and everytime you do this you are only filling yourself with air- a false sense of fufillment that will never, ever be enough. Acknoweldge that you want the long-lasting kind of validation - that can only come from YOURSELF. So breathe in YOUR wholeness and goodness into your body."
And y'all are d*mn right about me not letting go of control.
The illusion still has its claws around me. I seem to think that if i hold on then I may be warding off something bad and that if I let go I may lose things, people, love etc.
Well, hello Heather- do you really want to MAKE someone love you?
In fact- who the hell CARES if anyone loves you- won't matter anyways- just the false sense of fulfillment. No one's love is going to heal you, but your own.
I need a life beyond this man because he surely is not sitting in Florida pining over me and how much he can't move forward unless I'm there beside him.
Nope he's movin ahead with or without me.
I however am stuck in this "I need someone else to complete" me bs -- and am trying to hatch a plan to get myself out of it.
I have to physically in my bones GET IT.
I wrote a sticky note to myself by my bed that reads:
"You don't need ANYTHING or ANYONE else outside of yourself to make you whole. When you feel that emptiness setting in or the panic that you need someone's validation or reassurance- pause and acknowledge this for what it is - you looking outside of yourself for comfort. Each and everytime you do this you are only filling yourself with air- a false sense of fufillment that will never, ever be enough. Acknoweldge that you want the long-lasting kind of validation - that can only come from YOURSELF. So breathe in YOUR wholeness and goodness into your body."
And y'all are d*mn right about me not letting go of control.
The illusion still has its claws around me. I seem to think that if i hold on then I may be warding off something bad and that if I let go I may lose things, people, love etc.
Well, hello Heather- do you really want to MAKE someone love you?
In fact- who the hell CARES if anyone loves you- won't matter anyways- just the false sense of fulfillment. No one's love is going to heal you, but your own.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, if you think you need someone to complete you,try and find a man who you think will. However, keep in mind, there is no man on Gods green earth that can do that, only you can complete you, only you can fullfill the completeness of you.
Many times when I read your posts I think that I am reading a term paper, the same term paper being edited and edited over and over again, with no final paragraph, no intent of closure.
Closure will never come until you puts all those prolific words into action, the life you desire is only attained by action, not words.
I am a writer of books, it is my passion, I can write, I can rewrite, but I can not finish a book without the final paragraph, the conclusion.... I cannot complete the book unless I have a plan of action....the action plan from the beginning to the end of the book is to complete the book and send it off to the publisher.
Only then can I start a new book, word by word, with an action plan in place, I can and will complete my new rendering of words.
You are overwhelming yourself with words and theories, and. underwhelming yourself by a lack of action.
Many times when I read your posts I think that I am reading a term paper, the same term paper being edited and edited over and over again, with no final paragraph, no intent of closure.
Closure will never come until you puts all those prolific words into action, the life you desire is only attained by action, not words.
I am a writer of books, it is my passion, I can write, I can rewrite, but I can not finish a book without the final paragraph, the conclusion.... I cannot complete the book unless I have a plan of action....the action plan from the beginning to the end of the book is to complete the book and send it off to the publisher.
Only then can I start a new book, word by word, with an action plan in place, I can and will complete my new rendering of words.
You are overwhelming yourself with words and theories, and. underwhelming yourself by a lack of action.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Yep theorizing is my forte- overanalyzing is another strength. Hehe
No, but seriously- moving forward right now is about new behaviors for me. I am pretty much locked into the same routine day after day after day with little wiggle room. Things need to shift around in my life so that I can feel some control. I know taking initiative will help me.
Pilates- sounds like a good idea. I need some new sort of exercise. I exercise frequently but am thinking that anything that changes up the routine will be beneficial.
Just getting through the day without my inner critic beating me to a bloody pulp is what I've been striving for now.
I'm such a cognitive individual that I may as well start working on altering my thought process and recognizing my choices.
In one of my treatment facilities I attended my therapist recommended a book- that at the time facilitated my recovery- called Choice Theory. It suggests that we CHOOSE every action/reaction in our lives. It refers to being depressed as depressing and encourages us to take charge of our lives and to realize that the power of change lies in how we VIEW the situation. Anyone who feels their choices are limited in the situation they are in, I recommend this book, as it really instills in one the idea that the power of their life truly lies in their own hands.
I won't get down on myself for my limits at the moment or for whatever drastic changes are not being made in name of bettering the situation. There are very few if any responsibilities on my part that I can modify right now without completely throwing my life off course.
I did not have Internet in my apartment for about 2 1/2 weeks. It's amazing how the lack of cyberspace can make someone feel isolated and lonely. Recently just got it back yesterday. I have a whole lotta online work that needs completeing for some of my classes.
First things first. This slogan for me helps knock things in my life around in terms of perspective.
No, but seriously- moving forward right now is about new behaviors for me. I am pretty much locked into the same routine day after day after day with little wiggle room. Things need to shift around in my life so that I can feel some control. I know taking initiative will help me.
Pilates- sounds like a good idea. I need some new sort of exercise. I exercise frequently but am thinking that anything that changes up the routine will be beneficial.
Just getting through the day without my inner critic beating me to a bloody pulp is what I've been striving for now.
I'm such a cognitive individual that I may as well start working on altering my thought process and recognizing my choices.
In one of my treatment facilities I attended my therapist recommended a book- that at the time facilitated my recovery- called Choice Theory. It suggests that we CHOOSE every action/reaction in our lives. It refers to being depressed as depressing and encourages us to take charge of our lives and to realize that the power of change lies in how we VIEW the situation. Anyone who feels their choices are limited in the situation they are in, I recommend this book, as it really instills in one the idea that the power of their life truly lies in their own hands.
I won't get down on myself for my limits at the moment or for whatever drastic changes are not being made in name of bettering the situation. There are very few if any responsibilities on my part that I can modify right now without completely throwing my life off course.
I did not have Internet in my apartment for about 2 1/2 weeks. It's amazing how the lack of cyberspace can make someone feel isolated and lonely. Recently just got it back yesterday. I have a whole lotta online work that needs completeing for some of my classes.
First things first. This slogan for me helps knock things in my life around in terms of perspective.
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