One day at a time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
One day at a time
Last night I had a crazy experience.
I was on the phone with abf and this time it was not HE, but I who was hysterical and HE, not I, was the one trying to calm ME down. Telling me that I need to let go of control of the future and just be and know that who I am is okay.
I am struggling with this whole thing- and am constantly overwhelmed with fear of the future, fear of rejection, fear most things. It's paralyzing me. I'm stuck in such a small place in my head- I think positively then I caution myself against fantasizing about the future. I think negatively and that does its own damage.
I need to learn to begin again everyday and REALLY try to remember this- not just shove it to the corner of my brain.
I find myself incredibly resistant to learning new ways and getting myself out of the place I'm in (self hatred, self-pity, victimization.)
Ever since he entered rehab I suddenly felt powerless over my own emotions and for some reason unbeknownst to me I existed in this space of insecurity and fear- that he would get healthy and realize I was too crazy, that he would stop loving me. I felt so rejected by addiction that I feared it like the plague. Some days I was okay- others I would awake in fear. Like my life would be over or something. I know this is immature and not rational, but it felt very real to me. I stuck on the concept that no one could love me and the feared aquiring evidence that proved this theory as true. I'm ready to get out of that awful place of fear and insecurity.
Even now it is taking ALOT for me to detach from myself and observe what is going on inside of me- try to take an observers point of view to all of this. Not easy by any means. I know my inner critic will keep me in this place of fear for as long as he/she can.
I really want to learn to take it all one day at a time. To let go of my fear of the future, my need to control- to give it up. To admit the powerlessness. I suppose I cannot force it though.
Anyone's E,S&H that they could share regarding taking it one day at a time, learning to focus on you or giving up control will be greatly appreciated at the moment.
I was on the phone with abf and this time it was not HE, but I who was hysterical and HE, not I, was the one trying to calm ME down. Telling me that I need to let go of control of the future and just be and know that who I am is okay.
I am struggling with this whole thing- and am constantly overwhelmed with fear of the future, fear of rejection, fear most things. It's paralyzing me. I'm stuck in such a small place in my head- I think positively then I caution myself against fantasizing about the future. I think negatively and that does its own damage.
I need to learn to begin again everyday and REALLY try to remember this- not just shove it to the corner of my brain.
I find myself incredibly resistant to learning new ways and getting myself out of the place I'm in (self hatred, self-pity, victimization.)
Ever since he entered rehab I suddenly felt powerless over my own emotions and for some reason unbeknownst to me I existed in this space of insecurity and fear- that he would get healthy and realize I was too crazy, that he would stop loving me. I felt so rejected by addiction that I feared it like the plague. Some days I was okay- others I would awake in fear. Like my life would be over or something. I know this is immature and not rational, but it felt very real to me. I stuck on the concept that no one could love me and the feared aquiring evidence that proved this theory as true. I'm ready to get out of that awful place of fear and insecurity.
Even now it is taking ALOT for me to detach from myself and observe what is going on inside of me- try to take an observers point of view to all of this. Not easy by any means. I know my inner critic will keep me in this place of fear for as long as he/she can.
I really want to learn to take it all one day at a time. To let go of my fear of the future, my need to control- to give it up. To admit the powerlessness. I suppose I cannot force it though.
Anyone's E,S&H that they could share regarding taking it one day at a time, learning to focus on you or giving up control will be greatly appreciated at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
When I'm in that place you mention I have to talk myself out of it. I come here and go to meetings or talk with somebody who understands recovery. I have to remember to tell myself the truth, and pray for help to stop that 'stinkin thinkin' from taking up space in my head and heart. It's all progressive and my recovery is about working hard at keeping that stinkin stuff away.
I've been working at it many years and I still have some times when the fear you describe returns. I have learned that I can't ever take a vacation from my recovery. It can be tiring sometimes to be always on the lookout for trouble, but that is what I need to do so I don't slip backwards unaware. I try to screen my thoughts and attitudes and I do this throughout my day...every day. IF I don't do this I will most certainly find myself in a bad place.
I would also add that it took a long time for me to acquire the behaviors that lead me to finding out that _I_ need recovery. Change takes time and progress may come easier or faster, and sometimes it can take more time and effort. Being aware is the key to my serenity.
btw...I really love what anvilhead has shared and will try to remember to keep it real and tangible- that an excellent recovery tool. Thanks anvil for sharing that.
I've been working at it many years and I still have some times when the fear you describe returns. I have learned that I can't ever take a vacation from my recovery. It can be tiring sometimes to be always on the lookout for trouble, but that is what I need to do so I don't slip backwards unaware. I try to screen my thoughts and attitudes and I do this throughout my day...every day. IF I don't do this I will most certainly find myself in a bad place.
I would also add that it took a long time for me to acquire the behaviors that lead me to finding out that _I_ need recovery. Change takes time and progress may come easier or faster, and sometimes it can take more time and effort. Being aware is the key to my serenity.
btw...I really love what anvilhead has shared and will try to remember to keep it real and tangible- that an excellent recovery tool. Thanks anvil for sharing that.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Heather))
Prior to and in the beginning of my personal recovery - I too was paralyzed by fear - especially the "what if" fears - I tried many, many times to let go of the "what if's" and was really having a hard time doing that.
My sponsor at the time said well, if the what if has that much power over you - let's look at it - and we spent some time talking about my worse "what if" situation - "What if my AH started using again, left me in a horrible finanical situation, and I was all alone again?" She said the key word in that is "again".
You have already been exactly where you are fearing, and you made it thru there didn't you. I answered "yes, and at that time, I wasn't even attending Al-Anon"
She said, so how much more are you prepared for a "what if" situation today with each and every day of your life you continually give to your HP to work his will in your life.
So today, I can still think about the "what if's" and feel the fear - but it doesn't have to control me, because I know that no matter what, I have been in worse places - I have been down and out, without the tools of recovery, without friends in recovery and without this wonderful relationship with my HP that keeps getting better each & every day.
Which is why I can say - No matter what, me & my HP are going to be ok - even better than OK!!
Just my e, s, & h,
Hope it helps you get in touch with your HP to help ease your fears,
Rita
Prior to and in the beginning of my personal recovery - I too was paralyzed by fear - especially the "what if" fears - I tried many, many times to let go of the "what if's" and was really having a hard time doing that.
My sponsor at the time said well, if the what if has that much power over you - let's look at it - and we spent some time talking about my worse "what if" situation - "What if my AH started using again, left me in a horrible finanical situation, and I was all alone again?" She said the key word in that is "again".
You have already been exactly where you are fearing, and you made it thru there didn't you. I answered "yes, and at that time, I wasn't even attending Al-Anon"
She said, so how much more are you prepared for a "what if" situation today with each and every day of your life you continually give to your HP to work his will in your life.
So today, I can still think about the "what if's" and feel the fear - but it doesn't have to control me, because I know that no matter what, I have been in worse places - I have been down and out, without the tools of recovery, without friends in recovery and without this wonderful relationship with my HP that keeps getting better each & every day.
Which is why I can say - No matter what, me & my HP are going to be ok - even better than OK!!
Just my e, s, & h,
Hope it helps you get in touch with your HP to help ease your fears,
Rita
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Heather,
I've spent many a day in the "what ifs" and still do at times. In fact, these days I find myself slipping backward, which is a signal I have to "go" backwards and start at the beginning...acceptance.
I can only live in today if I accept today for what it is, and only then can I plan for a better tomorrow.
But what may be troubling you as well is what has troubled many of us here...allowing ourselves to determine our self-worth by what we "do" for others, rather than ourselves.
Many of us, me included, were comforted in the role of fixer and healer, so much so that when left to deal with ourselves we felt empty and un-needed.
Keep working it out, it takes time and practice for all of us.
You are not alone in your feelings.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
I've spent many a day in the "what ifs" and still do at times. In fact, these days I find myself slipping backward, which is a signal I have to "go" backwards and start at the beginning...acceptance.
I can only live in today if I accept today for what it is, and only then can I plan for a better tomorrow.
But what may be troubling you as well is what has troubled many of us here...allowing ourselves to determine our self-worth by what we "do" for others, rather than ourselves.
Many of us, me included, were comforted in the role of fixer and healer, so much so that when left to deal with ourselves we felt empty and un-needed.
Keep working it out, it takes time and practice for all of us.
You are not alone in your feelings.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Recently I've been examining my reactions.
All of my present reactions with abf are out of fear.
He resembles the man I fell in love with -- yet my defense mechanisms (obsessing and worrying and riding the "what if" rollarcoaster) are still very much intact. I realized that this is what I use to prepare myself for rejection or for a hurt- but what I do NOT see is that it is slowly destroying my todays and ultimately will take my tomorrows because of all the wasted time spent in such activity.
Like I think that in order to have anything "good" happen to me I must engage in constant worry and panic?
Just crazzzy.
And a recovering addict is NOT in the position to be offering me a bottomless well of support and love. I need to remember this and tend to my own garden.
All of my present reactions with abf are out of fear.
He resembles the man I fell in love with -- yet my defense mechanisms (obsessing and worrying and riding the "what if" rollarcoaster) are still very much intact. I realized that this is what I use to prepare myself for rejection or for a hurt- but what I do NOT see is that it is slowly destroying my todays and ultimately will take my tomorrows because of all the wasted time spent in such activity.
Like I think that in order to have anything "good" happen to me I must engage in constant worry and panic?
Just crazzzy.
And a recovering addict is NOT in the position to be offering me a bottomless well of support and love. I need to remember this and tend to my own garden.
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Heather, there is a link to Step One posted by Ann today on Lovestoomuch thread
Steps 4 5 and 6. I suggest you focus on Step One, how it works and how it can lead you from victimization, fear, and control to a place of detachment.
I discovered early in my recovery that my obsessive, fearful thinking was a way of avoiding admitting I was powerless over people, the future and so much more.
Steps 4 5 and 6. I suggest you focus on Step One, how it works and how it can lead you from victimization, fear, and control to a place of detachment.
I discovered early in my recovery that my obsessive, fearful thinking was a way of avoiding admitting I was powerless over people, the future and so much more.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Angel, I am where you are for different reasons. I take it not by day to day but with me it is more like minute to minute. I try to focus on myself more about the things that do make me a happier person. I have so much to bear, but I know that I am still entitled to have some happiness. There are days that I do just fall out of life, but I don't allow myself to stay in that place. My friend always calls it putting myself away for a while. Sometimes I feel better after that, and I make myself get up, dust myself off and push myself back into life. I try to make myself do things, even if I don't want to.
Keep your chin up, sweetie.........you have a lot going for you.
Hugs........Lo
Keep your chin up, sweetie.........you have a lot going for you.
Hugs........Lo
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Angel,
I use to live eaten up by my fears of the future .....what would befall RAH, me, our family, finances, and reputation. If I could move forward then please know that it is truly possible. I had to do a whole lot of hard work though. The things that helped me were face to face meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, calling other people in Naranon and Alanon, getting some intensive counselling, and mainly - focusing on myself. I have realized that the root of all of my problems are fear based. I have tried to look at what aspects of myself have let me down/are letting me down that allow the fears to prevail. That was a great starting point for me to know where and how to work on myself. The stronger I become the less fearful I am of what another person is going to do - or not do. I never know if I can count on someone else but I know that I can count on myself - and my HP. I always try and remember to say the prayer to God about please releasing me from my fears. The bondage of self and the fears related to that held me hostage. I had the key to the jail cell - just didn't know it.
Two years ago I never would have believed that a life with a sense of security could ever be mine. I worried about EVERYTHING! About two weeks ago I was fairly sure that my RAH was going to disappear and relapse (he just got a two year chip). It was interesting to notice that I didn't have any fear around that thought...it was just an observation. He didn't relapse - but even if he had, I knew that I would be okay because I've done the deal and the promises are beginning to come true for me.
Hang in there......Donna
I use to live eaten up by my fears of the future .....what would befall RAH, me, our family, finances, and reputation. If I could move forward then please know that it is truly possible. I had to do a whole lot of hard work though. The things that helped me were face to face meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, calling other people in Naranon and Alanon, getting some intensive counselling, and mainly - focusing on myself. I have realized that the root of all of my problems are fear based. I have tried to look at what aspects of myself have let me down/are letting me down that allow the fears to prevail. That was a great starting point for me to know where and how to work on myself. The stronger I become the less fearful I am of what another person is going to do - or not do. I never know if I can count on someone else but I know that I can count on myself - and my HP. I always try and remember to say the prayer to God about please releasing me from my fears. The bondage of self and the fears related to that held me hostage. I had the key to the jail cell - just didn't know it.
Two years ago I never would have believed that a life with a sense of security could ever be mine. I worried about EVERYTHING! About two weeks ago I was fairly sure that my RAH was going to disappear and relapse (he just got a two year chip). It was interesting to notice that I didn't have any fear around that thought...it was just an observation. He didn't relapse - but even if he had, I knew that I would be okay because I've done the deal and the promises are beginning to come true for me.
Hang in there......Donna
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Heather all I can say is Ive been going through this for 4 years and Im in that exact same place at this time and trying my best to live one moment at a time and no longer let fear of the past have such a hold
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