Lovestoomuch

Is it possible to work most of the 12 steps but be COMPLETELY stuck on a few??

Well......if it isn't, I've just made a first I suppose.

I'm confused......very confused. Why do I have to make a fearless moral inventory of myself when I wasn't the one on drugs?? I wasn't the one using, lieing, or stealing anything. It was my exabf who threw all his morals out the window. I don't understand how it almost feels like his issue gets turned around on me and now I have to come up with a list of things I've been immoral about and the only thing I can come up with is the fact I used to snoop through his stuff.

I took him back several times, but how does that go against anything moral? That was just stupidity on my part.

Then how can I admit to God, myself and anyone else of the nature of my wrongs when all I did was snoop? I understand the whole "control" thing and I have made attempts in the past to control certain situations in my life, but I never tried to control my exabf. I was too afraid of him to try and control what he did.

I know that snooping may be morally wrong, but is it enough to constitute a total defect in character?? That really stinks if it does because I think I'm a pretty good person.

I'll admit..........I along with a few others had a little fun at the expense of my exabf on this forum once or 10 times and maybe that was wrong too.....although at the time very fun and extremely freeing. So, do I have to apologize to him for doing something he knows nothing about?? Something that helped me get through a few dark hours?? That was part of my own recovery although it may not be as graceful as some members would handle their recovery , it worked for me.

Do you see where I'm confused or am I just a complete idiot? And if the 12 steps make you go back to a time when you didn't have these issues why is it geared towards co-dependent and substance abuse recovery??

These steps almost IMO are aimed toward those who have hurt others. I never hurt my exabf. He hurt me and I've actually forgiven him in my heart.

I'm not perfect. I've made some enormous mistakes in my life, but none of them related to my ex or my co-dependency as a result of his addiction.

Ugh!! I could go on and on, but I won't.

I'm not in any way, shape or form trying to bash the 12 steps either. I'm trying to work through them and honestly, I've hit a wall on these 3 steps.

Someone PLEASE clear the way. Help me understand because I'm really not getting it and it's aggrevating the heck out of me.

BigSis

The 12 steps are for me to learn about.... me. They don't have any thing at all to do with my qualifiers to the program. My moral inventory pointed up some pretty intense things I still needed to deal with, most just "left over" things from my childhood.

What I already knew, is that most of the things I have been struggling with throughout my life have been the same issues over... and over...and over.

I seem to have low self-esteem. Lots of fear around... almost everything! My "head catches fire" when I am ignored/discounted/made to feel "less than".

So my 'fearless' moral inventory was more about what makes ME tick and ... sometimes, what makes ME explode.

I did mine out of the AA book... and started with a list of people or institutions (like school or marriage) that I have Anger, Fears and Resentments about.

.... my list scrolled right off the page.


Then I picked just ONE of those and wrote -

What Happened
How it made me feel
What I did/How I reacted


Well hello baby... guess what? I started seeing some patterns!! One of the "biggies" was that what they did almost exactly lined up with how I responded.

When I can look back and see both actions from this distance, I can see where the one who offended... and me... have much in common. It is far easier for me to have some compassion in those cases.

Making that list is the Fourth step.... I prayed before and after. What I do with the list next is share it one other person.

For me, that person was my sponsor in program - someone with many, MANY years... someone who had heard many a 5th step before... someone I trusted because she had never gossiped to me about others (I knew she would not gossip ABOUT me to others).... someone who had been through this step herself.

She was kind, compassionate and shared a few things in her life that were similar to mine. She noted some of the recurring themes... fear, rejection, feeling discounted. She thought those might make a good start of character defects that I might be willing to give up.

Since I haven't done the 6th step yet - asking God to remove these defects (I am not done using all of them, yet... smile); I can't tell you how exactly that one works. But I do know that I have an enormous peace today in relation to my mom and my dad - the 2 biggest parts of the 4th step.

There are others I still need to do... and I will work on them as they arise... and when I am ready.



But my 4th step doesn't have much to do with the ones who got me into program... or even the ones who still keep me there (including Mr. Big). So far, anyway.


I do wish you well, Loves. This process has been a good one for me, I hope it can be as good for you, too.


But you have been through a lot, lately... and there is no rush. Please don't feel like you have to do too much all at once.
((hugs))

Ann

Like BigSis, I did my 4th and 5th step with the guidance of a wonderful sponsor who had been through all the steps several times herself, and who I could trust with anything I shared with her.

Like you, I didn't understand it, and I couldn't do it well until I really had a deep grasp of Steps 1, 2 and 3. There is a reason the steps are in the order they are in, and taking as much time as I needed to understand and build each one helped me with the next.

Defects? Me? HAH! I thought that I was a victim of everyone else's defects, but then took time to see how I had been affected and what it had brought out in me.

Resentments were the biggiest. I too had snooped, manipulated, tried to control, and felt anger, sadness, bitterness and shame at all that had happened and lived my life in fear. And most of all I had treated myself badly, allowing myself to isolate, lie to myself, and get angry at God for the bad hand I had been dealt.

Surprisingly, as I went through my childhood I could find deep rooted resentments with people who maybe meant me no harm but who had instilled in me feelings of distrust, anger and fear.

Like BigSis, I made a list of each person in my life, what had happened and how it had affected me then and how it affected me today. Once I began writing this out, the list grew and grew and I discovered resentments I didn't even know I had.

I didn't have to justify my feelings, I simply had to write them down and then see them for what they were and decide if I wanted to carry that baggage around with me the rest of my life, or turn it over to God and be done with it.

Also, like any inventory, I listed the assets, the good qualities about myself, especially gratitude for how far I had come.

Also, from reading your post I thought I should clarify...these are not the steps where we make amends. That doesn't happen until steps 8 and 9. Right now we are just looking at who we are and how we got that way, and the things we would like to change.

Many people fear Step 4 because it takes them back and to places they no longer want to go. For me, I found it refreshing because it cleared up many answers I had sought and helped me get to know the person I really am.

Hope this helps a little. Take your time and if you don't feel ready then maybe go back and work on Steps 1, 2 and 3 until you feel ready to face this self-analysis step.

Hugs

pjbs55

Kris,
I too am having trouble with the same steps. Thank you Big Sis and Ann for helping explain them to me. I have the first 3 down and could not figure out the next 3.

Ann

This Step Guide is posted on the "stickies" at the top, under "About Naranon" and it may help. The link is to Step 1 but if you check at the bottom you will see links to the other steps also.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependents.html

hope213

bigsis & ann have shared some words of wisdow with you.i hope to get through those steps. i work the 1-3 & then have to go back.i will get there.it is baby steps with me.hugs,

Lovestoomuch

Thank you very very much. Your responses do clarify this a lot for me. I think my only problem will be I've lost so much of my childhood and young adult years. I don't know why, but I can't remember a good 10 year stretch of my life.

My sister remembers things and will say "remember when....." and I swear, I can't remember!! So she's asked me "What do you think happened to you to cause you to forget all that time". Well...........If I knew then I'd probably remember the rest of what I'm missing.

So, what if you can't get to the heart of the matter?

BigSis

Aaaaahhhhh the blessing/curse of 'repressive' memory.

Your sis and mine went to the same school, I think. I tell my sis (3 years younger) that NO WAY can she die first, she has all my "details". (grin)


What I found, Loves, was that once I started writing... more details came into focus. And it helped to do some things chronologically... I remember "this incident" .... we lived in a pink house and I had the cool Barbie with Silver hair...

those sorts of things.


And I talked to my sis, too. Just in general, I didn't need to pull her into my recovery, but sometimes she would trigger something new... something that had just been buried a long time.


I wish you the best.


PS - there is no such thing as a "perfect" 4th step. ((hugs))

CatsPajamas

Loves,

Are you doing this on your own or with the help of a sponsor? I tried it myself, once, early in my recovery... the first 3 steps weren't too hard but I slammed into a wall with the rest. In retrospect, I had to try it both ways so that I could learn just how much my NEED to "do it myself" was a symptom of a character defect!

The following is from Paths to Recovery, Al Anon’s Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. pp 38 and 39.

Steps One, Two and Three taught us about the disease of alcoholism, that we are powerless over the disease and that a Power greater than ourselves can return us to sanity if we so desire. As in climbing a staircase, we are at the next Step – a Step for spiritual self-discovery. In nine simple words, Step Four challenges us to take a thorough look at ourselves, the positives as well as the negatives.

The decision to turn our life and will over to the care our Higher Power is demonstrated when we follow it up with the action of taking our moral inventory. The word “searching” has an important impact. This word tells us that it is going to take some research into our past, looking for all the personal issues that are a part of our makeup. When we lose our keys, we will search for them until they are found or until we are satisfied that they are gone forever. Similarly the search through our moral character must be equally thorough. This is where we begin to learn that it is important to write out this Step. If we need to make a list before grocery shopping, doesn’t it seem logical that, in something as important as the personal study of our lives, we keep documentation as well?

In studying the wording of this Step, we now examine the word “fearless”. Some members say fear stands for false evidence appearing real. What better way to find out if we fear reality or an illusion than to plunge into the fear itself? With a phone call to our sponsor or program friends, we find that beginning to list our fears is another way to start our inventory. Until we take our inventory, we don’t’ know which character defects blocked us from recovery. “Just do it” we are repeatedly advised. We don’t’ need to do it perfectly, there will be time to do it again. If we don’t make a start, nothing about us will ever change. When we courageously and carefully examine where we are, the door to change is opened.

Finally, we read the last phrase, “moral inventory of ourselves”. The self-analysis required in a fearless moral inventory is an essential step toward recognizing our responsibilities and find appropriate, healthful release from our physical, emotional and spiritual experiences. We can begin by writing about the events and people we resent or distrust,. Writing becomes important because few of us can remember the many incidents and people that affected us. Writing also helps us to step back and gain a little detachment before we explore our behavior and the characteristics it reveals about us.

MsPINKAcres

Loves - may I also encourage you to take a moment to BREATHE - slow deep breaths.

Yes, I do believe that it is very, very important to do Step work - I believe it is crucial to our recovery and spiritual growth with our relationship with our HP - but one of the most important things that I had to learn that it is STEP work not RACE work.

It is a gentle path - not a mad dash to the finish line. At a pace our HP walks with us, thru Step 4 we see ALL of us - not only defects of character, but assets and undeveloped talents. We see wonderful qualities that because of the disease of addiction/alcoholism these qualities developed into coping mechanisms that don't work for us anymore. We see gifts that haven't had the opportunity to grow because we have lived in a place that has not allowed us to give ourselves the proper care we need.

These are some of the things we discover in Step 4.

In Step 5, we find a common bond with our Sponsor, or Trusted Friend to share with them our discoveries in Step 4 - we share with them & our HP.

Finally , In Step 6 - we are ready to turn this huge amount of information over to our loving HP and have removed what needs to be removed, cultivate what needs to been cultivated, polish what needs to polished - to allow us to be who our HP wants us to be.

Slowly, calmly one Step at a time.

Breathe, my friend - breathe!!

Rita

Lovestoomuch

Cats........I am doing this on my own as I don't have a sponser, but I'll tell you something. You wise ones are helping me a great deal and I'm slowly starting to understand the concept of what I have to do in each step.

You guys are life savers. I don't know what I'd do without you all.

Lovestoomuch

((Rita))

You're right. When my head gets to spinning I do tend to forget to breathe. Sometimes my life becomes so unmanagable........I really do need to slow it down.

Live

I did alot of the family or origin and etc work through formal therapy.

The last time I went to a sliding scale mental health center she wanted to not just take my history but pick thro' it all and it tore me into worse pieces.

It's good to know and understand these things....but therapists are finding that long in depth like the social worker was trying to do in my case is better served by cognitive behavior therapy which takes less time and is based on bettering our lives today.

But I was able to process most of this in therapy over the years.

My p-doc and I have an understanding that she agrees with. We don't do that. We deal with how am I doing now. We don't do the let's go over our lives and our hurts type thing. For me, it re-taumatizes me.

But I DID not have an abusive childhood etc. I have never heard my parents yell at each other, call each other a name or ever be drunken. When they had differences, we got sent somewhere else to play and we were kept children, free of adult worries.

I have some blacked out periods following my divorce and things I don't want to go over in the abusive alcholic relationship. That was my first exposure to alcoholism ...at 40...I didn't have a clue!

For me, I have to stay in the now. But I have had therapy and spent years processing the past all ready. But I am now willing to go back and do it over again.
At this point in time for sure.
Who can ever say never. LOL

I did make amends to the exAbf....because I did not respect him as a person. I could not distinguish that from the alcoholism...which for a long time I also couldn't distinguish that from the abuse. I did not think of or treat him as a human being.

Lovestoomuch

I just wanted to thank you all again for your help on this. Now that i understand what step 4 is really about, i think I can at least start. You gotta start somewhere right? Love you all!

outonalimb

Kris,

I haven't formally worked the steps...I don't attend ftf meetings and I don't have a sponsor. I've gained whatever recovery I have under my belt from reading and sharing here at SR and alot of prayer and self-examination. Nevertheless, I can see, looking back, that the steps I have taken have mirrored the 12 steps even though I didn't use them as a guide. I guess the path to healing is the path to healing no matter what map we use to get there.

I have struggled with the concept expressed in the 4th, 5th and 6th steps too. (especially the 4th) What I found, however, was that I had to begin by making a fearless moral inventory of all the things I had done to harm myself (as opposed to my exah or others). This seemed like an easier jumping off point for me because, like you, I didn't feel as though I had done anything really bad to my exah but I sure had engaged in some very self-defeating and harmful behaviors where *I* was concerned. I had to identify all of the things I did to hurt myself (mostly accepting all kinds of inappropriate and hurtful behavior from my ex and not demanding more from him or from life). I made a list of all the times I accepted half truths, stuck my head in the sand, wallowed in self pity, or failed to take care of my basic physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. I allowed the addiction of another to take me to some pretty low places. I didn't love myself enough to change things. The list goes on and on. I worked really hard to make amends to myself. I still work on making amends to myself every day.

What I've learned, is that as I work on forgiving myself, I find that its a little easier to see things that I have done that harmed my exah. When I can set down the victim mentality, I'm not so afraid to admit that I did things to my exah that were less than honest. For example, each time I jumped back into the fray with him knowing full well in the deepest recesses of my heart that things could never work between us (in the usual husband and wife sense), I gave him a false sense of hope. When he crossed the boundaries I had put in place, I reacted in anger...and said things and behaved in ways that were disrespectful and intended to hurt him as much as he hurt me. Many times I told him that I forgave him for things that happened in the past only to later throw the past in his face. I'm just now beginning to see that I did alot of things and behaved in ways that were undignified, disrespectful, and downright mean.

I guess what I'm saying is that I really think that we need to make amends to ourself before we can make sincere and genuine amends to other people in our life. Maybe this approach will help you too. But even if it doesn't, I think you're a very strong woman and I admire anyone who is willing to tackle this difficult step in recovery. Good luck with it...you have lots of friends here who are cheering you on.

Hugs....