my ex boyfriend uses crack how can i help him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 123
my ex boyfriend uses crack how can i help him?
i met this guy a year and a half ago, we hit it off right away. im not kidding it was like love at first sight..anyway, to make a long storie short, i found out months later after i fell in love with him that he had an addiction problem to crack..i have never been addicted to anything so i had no idea how terrible this stuff was. he has tried rehab 4 x and says it doesnt work for him..if anything its a place to make new connections(so he says). he went to rehab for 30 days and he used the first day he got out.. i didnt know what to do..we live 4 hrs away and its hard for me to know if he is using or not.. i told him he has so much to live for, me his daughter he keeps getting promoted in his job..he is a wonderful person when he is clean, i have never matched up with somone so well..minus the addiction, but he has a hard time staying clean..he was in prison for 6 yrs and he gets off of probation in nov.08, i have caught him lying to me about everything.he finally admitted to me he is using again.. (after we had talked and he swore he wasnt using anymore..he has been trying to do it himself)..he moves into his own apt.this weekend, im waiting for his world to come crashing in..i am in constant struggle over how much i love him vs. logic..i broke up with him after he admitted to lying to me after a year about using, he has lied to me so much the trust factor is pretty much gone.. he is blaming me on bailing on him after he told me the truth, but i dont know if i can believe him anymore ..he says he has been clean for 10 days, but after that he was suppose to go to a family function and he lied to them and said i had come down to visit so he couldnt make it..he wanted me to cover for him in his lie..i told him dont drag me into this.. . here he promises me he wont lie anymore to me and that ishould be there for him but he wants me to lie to his family??? im being played arent i..i figure if he is lying to his family ..he is lieing to me..am i crazy for still loving him and wanting to be there? i guess im scared that if he does get clean he wont look me up? is that insane? i feel like im losing my mind!!! logic vs. the heart..and his dad died of alcoholism at 36, he has such an addictive personlity..its scary. i dont mean to offend anyone on this sight..ive been wanting to talk to someone who has lived this and used so i can get it right from the source.. this is my first experience dating somone with an addiction..im scared he is going to end up dead someday. i cant imagine anyone wanting this lifestyle, and he wont talk to me now so i dont know what to do..should i just leave it alone? will thier always be turmoil even when they are clean? thanks for listening..
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((dogged))))
Welcome to Sober Recovery. To answer your question: you can't help him....you can prevent him from dragging you farther into his stuff which in the long run could help him if he runs out of resources it might make him get desperate enough to get some help on his own.
Read the "stickie post" at the top of this forum especially the one titled:
"what addicts do"
Keep the focus on yourself and take good care of yourself...
Welcome to Sober Recovery. To answer your question: you can't help him....you can prevent him from dragging you farther into his stuff which in the long run could help him if he runs out of resources it might make him get desperate enough to get some help on his own.
Read the "stickie post" at the top of this forum especially the one titled:
"what addicts do"
Keep the focus on yourself and take good care of yourself...
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
((dogged))
I want to welcome you to SR and tell you first and foremost, your boyfriend's addiction isn't in anyway your fault. I also want to tell you that you have choices and shouldn't be made to feel guilty whether you stay with him or decide to leave the relationship. You have to do what is healthy for you and decide what you can and can't deal with.
My ex was also a crack addict and a lot of what your saying I've heard from him too. The lies, the excuses, the blame game, guilt trip..........It's insane isn't it? The way they can make us feel.............let me rephrase that. "The way we allow them to make us feel." That's more like it.
Sadly honey there's nothing you can do to help him. He has got to want to do this because he wants it, not because you want it, or his mom wants it..........you get the idea. He has to have become sick and tired of living his life the way he is and nobody can make that decision come faster for him. I had to kick my ex out.......on the street to make his own way and his own decisions and even then it took him about 6 months to decide to get clean. Nobody knows where someone's bottom is, but I know I had reached mine and I just couldn't take it anymore. His sickness was making me just as sick.
Have you tried finding any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings for yourself? They are families and friends of alcoholics or substance abusers. There you'll find folks and be face to face with people who are going through situations like you are. You don't have to do this alone.
Another good read is the book Co-Dependent No More. It took me about a year to understand that I had to take care of me because nothing I did or said would help my exabf. Putting all my time and energy into him was causing my health to slowly go down hill and I ended up in the hospital with stress related troubles.
There will be more members to give more insite. Sit back, read around and stick around. I hope you'll learn to appreciate this forum like I have. This place saved my life.
I want to welcome you to SR and tell you first and foremost, your boyfriend's addiction isn't in anyway your fault. I also want to tell you that you have choices and shouldn't be made to feel guilty whether you stay with him or decide to leave the relationship. You have to do what is healthy for you and decide what you can and can't deal with.
My ex was also a crack addict and a lot of what your saying I've heard from him too. The lies, the excuses, the blame game, guilt trip..........It's insane isn't it? The way they can make us feel.............let me rephrase that. "The way we allow them to make us feel." That's more like it.
Sadly honey there's nothing you can do to help him. He has got to want to do this because he wants it, not because you want it, or his mom wants it..........you get the idea. He has to have become sick and tired of living his life the way he is and nobody can make that decision come faster for him. I had to kick my ex out.......on the street to make his own way and his own decisions and even then it took him about 6 months to decide to get clean. Nobody knows where someone's bottom is, but I know I had reached mine and I just couldn't take it anymore. His sickness was making me just as sick.
Have you tried finding any Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings for yourself? They are families and friends of alcoholics or substance abusers. There you'll find folks and be face to face with people who are going through situations like you are. You don't have to do this alone.
Another good read is the book Co-Dependent No More. It took me about a year to understand that I had to take care of me because nothing I did or said would help my exabf. Putting all my time and energy into him was causing my health to slowly go down hill and I ended up in the hospital with stress related troubles.
There will be more members to give more insite. Sit back, read around and stick around. I hope you'll learn to appreciate this forum like I have. This place saved my life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Hey there,
I just wanted to second what Loves said above me about going to Alanon or Naranon meetings... there you will find a room full of people who can relate to your pain in this issue; people who can listen to your struggles without judging you or him, or, if you're not comortable talking in person just yet, people say that they gain a lot just from going to the meetings and listening as well.
The best thing you can do to help him is to do nothing, less taking care of yourself. The more you try to pressure him about getting help, the more he will tell himself that getting help does not work. Getting help DOES work, it just has to be at the right place and at the right time for him. If he's not completely ready to quit, there is nothing that will change him.
Besides, if you go ahead and get the help you need to cope with this, then when and if he does get help, you will be that much stronger, which will help him greatly in his recovery journey. If he doesn't get help and you decide to move on, then at least you've made some great friends in the process and learned a lot too. So either way, it's a win-win if you focus on you for now, although I know it is easier said than done.
My sister had a terrible heroin problem that almost killed her a couple of months ago. She is recovering now, but boy did she give my parents and I a long and rough ride. It wasn't until she was in rehab after overdosing that I went to my first alanon meeting, and that was only because it was a requirement to be able to visit with her afterwards. I was very nervous going in, but I can honestly say that I wish I had been going to those meetings the whole time, because I might have been able to salvage much more of my sanity if I had.
Like Loves said, stick around. This forum helps me somehow every day.
*hugs and prayers*
I just wanted to second what Loves said above me about going to Alanon or Naranon meetings... there you will find a room full of people who can relate to your pain in this issue; people who can listen to your struggles without judging you or him, or, if you're not comortable talking in person just yet, people say that they gain a lot just from going to the meetings and listening as well.
The best thing you can do to help him is to do nothing, less taking care of yourself. The more you try to pressure him about getting help, the more he will tell himself that getting help does not work. Getting help DOES work, it just has to be at the right place and at the right time for him. If he's not completely ready to quit, there is nothing that will change him.
Besides, if you go ahead and get the help you need to cope with this, then when and if he does get help, you will be that much stronger, which will help him greatly in his recovery journey. If he doesn't get help and you decide to move on, then at least you've made some great friends in the process and learned a lot too. So either way, it's a win-win if you focus on you for now, although I know it is easier said than done.
My sister had a terrible heroin problem that almost killed her a couple of months ago. She is recovering now, but boy did she give my parents and I a long and rough ride. It wasn't until she was in rehab after overdosing that I went to my first alanon meeting, and that was only because it was a requirement to be able to visit with her afterwards. I was very nervous going in, but I can honestly say that I wish I had been going to those meetings the whole time, because I might have been able to salvage much more of my sanity if I had.
Like Loves said, stick around. This forum helps me somehow every day.
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello dogged, and welcome to SR. I can't add to what has been shared, you've already got some wonderful replies and I'm sure there will be others who will be adding to this thread later on.
I'm glad that you found this forum. There is help for _you_ here and lots of friends who understand.
I'm glad that you found this forum. There is help for _you_ here and lots of friends who understand.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome to sr, the addict in my life is my hubby of 21 yrs off and on, more off than on, due to his addiction. by the time i found sr, i was just as sick as he was too. have you read "what addicts do" located at the top of the forum page? your bf's behavior is just common, he's an addict and thats what they do. its not your fault and there is nothing you can do to help him but you can help yourself. keep reading and posting. we are here for each other. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome to SR dogged. Keep reading and posting. You'll learn alot and get much encouragement and support here. Remember the 3 C's of addiction:
1. You didn't Cause it.
2. You can't Cure it.
3. You can't Control it.
1. You didn't Cause it.
2. You can't Cure it.
3. You can't Control it.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Hi Dogged, welcome to SR.
My ex bf is addicted to crack. I didn't know much about addiction when I got involved with him. Every time he went to rehab, I got my hopes up that things would change. He always started using again shortly after rehab. His addiction seemed to get worse every time he relapsed. They say that addiction is progressive, that it keeps getting worse and I believe it from what I have seen.
He said rehab "didn't work" for him. I think that he didn't work for it. It takes real dedication to get off drugs. It takes more than just going to rehab.
He lied too. Constantly. I got to a point where I never knew what to believe. He stole from me repeatedly and lied to get money. He even robbed someone's house. Later he became violent when he was coming down. Believe it or not, he was a very sweet person when not on drugs. But the drug changes them. They are no longer the person you know.
I saw him cry and become suicidal because he was so miserable. Finally, I could not take it anymore. I haven't seen him since Feb.
I'm glad to hear that you do not live with him and that you will not lie for him.
What everyone has said to you here is true. Sadly, there is not any way that you can help him. I tried everything I could think of. Nothing worked. It is sad to see someone you love destroy their life.
Sometimes an addict has to hit bottom before they will really get serious about changing.
Do not under any circumstances give him money. My suggestion is to distance yourself from this person. He is the only one who can change himself. He has been through rehab more than once. He has the 'tools' to do it. He has to want to-not for you or his kid-for himself. You have no control over it.
Read "codependent no more" by Melody Beattie. It was a turning point for me in understanding an addict and my role in the cycle.
Hugs, Lisa
My ex bf is addicted to crack. I didn't know much about addiction when I got involved with him. Every time he went to rehab, I got my hopes up that things would change. He always started using again shortly after rehab. His addiction seemed to get worse every time he relapsed. They say that addiction is progressive, that it keeps getting worse and I believe it from what I have seen.
He said rehab "didn't work" for him. I think that he didn't work for it. It takes real dedication to get off drugs. It takes more than just going to rehab.
He lied too. Constantly. I got to a point where I never knew what to believe. He stole from me repeatedly and lied to get money. He even robbed someone's house. Later he became violent when he was coming down. Believe it or not, he was a very sweet person when not on drugs. But the drug changes them. They are no longer the person you know.
I saw him cry and become suicidal because he was so miserable. Finally, I could not take it anymore. I haven't seen him since Feb.
I'm glad to hear that you do not live with him and that you will not lie for him.
What everyone has said to you here is true. Sadly, there is not any way that you can help him. I tried everything I could think of. Nothing worked. It is sad to see someone you love destroy their life.
Sometimes an addict has to hit bottom before they will really get serious about changing.
Do not under any circumstances give him money. My suggestion is to distance yourself from this person. He is the only one who can change himself. He has been through rehab more than once. He has the 'tools' to do it. He has to want to-not for you or his kid-for himself. You have no control over it.
Read "codependent no more" by Melody Beattie. It was a turning point for me in understanding an addict and my role in the cycle.
Hugs, Lisa
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I am sorry you have gotten caught up in an emotinal roller coaster with an addict.
I also must tell you, as anyone here will, that the only person you can help is yourself.
People get addicted to things, and we can't do a darn thing about getting them to quit. They quit only when they are ready, not when we want them to.
Please consider going to an alanon meeting. You'll get tremendous support and insight into how you don't have to get crazy because of someone elses addiction!
Coming here is my way of finding peace and tranquility through all the turmoil.
Hope to see you here again.
I also must tell you, as anyone here will, that the only person you can help is yourself.
People get addicted to things, and we can't do a darn thing about getting them to quit. They quit only when they are ready, not when we want them to.
Please consider going to an alanon meeting. You'll get tremendous support and insight into how you don't have to get crazy because of someone elses addiction!
Coming here is my way of finding peace and tranquility through all the turmoil.
Hope to see you here again.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Wanted to add my welcome and let you know that I too found so much relief by going to meetings, reading about addiction and codependency, and reading and posting here. Sharing with others who understand what I was going through made all the difference in the world. Please know you are not alone and that he is doing what an addict will do and there is nothing you can do to fix him...he has to find that himself. But you can focus on you and learn some tools to cope with loving an addict. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1
Hi everyone, yes Iam new to this page. My daughter is a crack addict now since 1997.Jails, prison (3 times) , I have seen and lived it all. Now i have been taking care of her 4 yr old on and off, thats the killer, the child. Old enough to know mom is acting different again. Right now i am at the point that why isnt it enough, wake up, she knows the end result, and yes its just a matter of time, probation will kick in and she will be locked up again. Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
as others have said...........we cant help them. Our idea of Helping is just things we do to make us feel better to give us something to hope for to give us some kind of false sense of peace but it comes down to the addict what they want aand what they do nothing will help them until they want the help
I write this as much for you as for myself.............because my Ah has relapsed again, in treatment.......and for the last 24 hours I have been thinking about what I can do to help........and really I can do nothing!
hang in there, crack addiction is hell and It hurts
I write this as much for you as for myself.............because my Ah has relapsed again, in treatment.......and for the last 24 hours I have been thinking about what I can do to help........and really I can do nothing!
hang in there, crack addiction is hell and It hurts
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