frankly

A whole lot of changes in my life the last three years. So much has happened to me and my family. I think for the most part, I've blocked a lot of it. That is until everything calms down and it slowly seeps in. Then I start thinking. Watch out! Enter at your own risk, B is thinking. Smoke is billowing, alarms are going off. Feelings are pushing to the surface.

I've always been afraid of being alone. No one loving me. No one caring about me. It is a fear born from my childhood when no one cared. I thought I had over come that, but in reality, it is ingrained in who I am, it will be a part of me forever. I have to accept that.

I realize that I accept the unacceptable behavior from others because I am afraid of not being loved. My relationships are based on being loveable to my partner, not to myself. So I just accept what I shouldn't. I make excuses for them to justify not putting myself first. That way I don't have to face my own shortcomings. I don't have to face not loving myself. If I can just make them love me, then I've proven to myself that I'm lovable. It's easier to have someone love me if I step up and do everything for them, mold my life to their happiness. After all if I make them happy, want they love me? If I accept the unacceptable for them, why want that make them love me? It's my illusion.

The simple answer coinsides with the same answer of our addics. I don't love myself, that is why no one else can love me. I don't really love them. I just mold myself into what they want so that they will love me.

My relationship with Jerry has hit a major snag. I don't want to accept the unacceptable any more. But I'm afraid. I'm scared to death actually. I feel panicked at the thought of loosing one more persons love.

I don't know how to love myself. I sat down with me on the couch this morning and evaluated myself. I like me. I like my morals. I like my fairness. I like me as a person. If I met someone like me, I think we would be the best of friends. Yet that feeling that I'm not good enough keeps creeping in.

Even though my heart is breaking, I know once again, I will accept less than what I deserve, just so someone will love me. Nothing changes when nothing changes and I've hit a brick wall. I don't know how to change myself so that I love myself.

I'm never going to find a true partner until I find myself, until I learn to live with myself, until it's OK to be alone. Until I can bring myself to say no to the unacceptable.

In the three years I've been here, I've come a long way. Yet I still don't know who I am or what I really want out of life. I always come back to that one thing.....I just want to be loved.

OK, the smoke is clearing a little bit, I know I'm really the only one that can find the answers, but for those of you that may see a little bit of yourself in this, I've put my thoughts and feelings out there so that I don't feel so alone and hopefully you don't either.

B

greeteachday

((((Frankly))))) Thanks for sharing your inner most thoughts. I'm sorry things are not going well in your relationship, but glad you are recognizing that you accept the unacceptable.

I've been working on learning to love myself too...I think recognition was the starting point...seeing what I do and why i do it, then working on those behaviors. For me, working a program has really helped...daily readings, coming here, meetings. But there are some things I don't like about my life and because I don't yet have the courage and strength to change them, I sometimes feel like I'm reaching an impasse. I've learned to keep working my program and then eventually I get over another hurdle. There are still some major things I need to address...I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about it and continue to work steps because I really think that and trusting in my HP will help me over those hurdles.
Hugs and prayers...I hope recognition helps you to continue to move forward in loving yourself as well...

hbb

Frankly, no joke, what you wrote is EXACTLY how i feel. It's like you entered my head and wrote it for me. WOW, i don't know how to react right now other than thank you for putting it into words. I thought i was the only one that loved way too much just to prove i can be loved back and so in all my actions trying to prove i'm a good person and try to like myself. Thank you for sharing this, this truly truly hit home with me. Thanks!

PaperDolls

wow. great post.

It's almost like looking into a mirror.

ladyjane

(((Frankly)))

I too, have felt the way you do. I feel sometimes, that I am a failure as a parent, because I have an as and an ad. Because of this I feel that I'm not worthy of anyone's love. That I don't deserve to be loved.

I've been told many times by as and ad that their addictions were my fault and I've believed it. I've spent many a wakeful night wondering how I could have better raised them.

I'm slowly getting better. I finally accept that their choices are theirs. I'm just waiting for them to accept it too.
______________
Trish

BigSis

Wow... that is some tough insight, Frankly.

This is the kind of stuff I usually need to share with a sponsor.... often she can see through my negativity to the positive, and help me see "next right thing" steps I can take.

I wish you well and admire your willingness to look so closely at stuff than can be painful.

((hugs))

hope213

frankie,you are a good person & you do deserve the best.do not settle for less.hugs & prayers