more al anon tomorrow... my crazy up and down relationship
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 51
more al anon tomorrow... my crazy up and down relationship
tomorrow is my second al anon meeting . im def in need of it... it amazes me how me a smart girl am so stupid when it comes to loving an addict... i read over my past post and see my spirial up and down roller coster one min im not with him and im goin to keep it that way. the next i am with him yet again.. I LOVE him..
its so sick that im so into it to the point were i comproimse my faith by being with him.. i had a break down yesterday.. i was getting ready to go to a church picnic he (my addict bf) was suppose to pick me up and we were goin together.. mind you many people at the church know our situation and prayed with me numerous times to end this destrutive relationship. so i was already a bit iffy about being at this picnic with him... SOO THEN he calles me and says his friend MATT who i have never met and his gf are also coming to this picnic and he is goin to pick them up and be on his way to get me.. WAIT A MIN here... mind you these are sum of his "weed" friends i have never met , and told him i never wanted to... so i told him forget it dont pick me up.. IM AFFARID of bieng around his friends because of the storys he has told me.
i get off the phone with him and just break down im looking in the mirror doing my hair and i just start to cry so hard, i sob and sob for a good half hr and im not even sure why.. finally i go to this picnic and feel as if i am forced to meet these friends of his i never wanted to know anyway.. he my bf argues you said i should get them to try to go to church, so why are u mad that they came to the picnic .. i dont even know why? maybe because when i see them .. i see him smoking i see him acting crazy and out of control ways he never acts with me.. and im not really seeing this im seeing it in my mind really.. .
i love this man .. i really love him i see the heartful man who loves Jesus and is tryin daily to live for christ...... but at the same time i see me... lossing my self to this destrutive relationship that compromises me in more ways then i ever new i would....
i see me drifting further and further away from God and the purpose God has for me....
but then for sum reason i cant see me without him and i dont want to ... today anyway tomorrow maybe again i will be telling another story... the story seems to change daily.
another vent .. felt good to just type it out..
its so sick that im so into it to the point were i comproimse my faith by being with him.. i had a break down yesterday.. i was getting ready to go to a church picnic he (my addict bf) was suppose to pick me up and we were goin together.. mind you many people at the church know our situation and prayed with me numerous times to end this destrutive relationship. so i was already a bit iffy about being at this picnic with him... SOO THEN he calles me and says his friend MATT who i have never met and his gf are also coming to this picnic and he is goin to pick them up and be on his way to get me.. WAIT A MIN here... mind you these are sum of his "weed" friends i have never met , and told him i never wanted to... so i told him forget it dont pick me up.. IM AFFARID of bieng around his friends because of the storys he has told me.
i get off the phone with him and just break down im looking in the mirror doing my hair and i just start to cry so hard, i sob and sob for a good half hr and im not even sure why.. finally i go to this picnic and feel as if i am forced to meet these friends of his i never wanted to know anyway.. he my bf argues you said i should get them to try to go to church, so why are u mad that they came to the picnic .. i dont even know why? maybe because when i see them .. i see him smoking i see him acting crazy and out of control ways he never acts with me.. and im not really seeing this im seeing it in my mind really.. .
i love this man .. i really love him i see the heartful man who loves Jesus and is tryin daily to live for christ...... but at the same time i see me... lossing my self to this destrutive relationship that compromises me in more ways then i ever new i would....
i see me drifting further and further away from God and the purpose God has for me....
but then for sum reason i cant see me without him and i dont want to ... today anyway tomorrow maybe again i will be telling another story... the story seems to change daily.
another vent .. felt good to just type it out..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
Make sure you get to that meeting tomorrow night! I have been missing my meetings and am sorely regretting it... and keep venting, as much as you need to. Being able to come here and vent is what gets a lot of us through the day.
*hugs and prayers*
*hugs and prayers*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Sista-
I, too, am an intelligent, well-read, well-educated, motivated individual (that took alot : )
But... it's not about the fact that we are X, Y or Z. The fact is that this is OUR disease. I heard here once that when we have been running on the addicts treadmill for so long- getting off hurts- it requires alot of scratches and bruising.
By the grace of God, I am no longer in agonizing emotional pain- although emptiness also feels terrible. When they are in active addiction they care about no one but themselves to think anything other than that is naive. Their love for you has become a backdrop and their first priority is continuing their addiction- keeping it going so they do not have feel the effects of getting of THEIR own treadmill.
I love my abf too but I cannot control him - and I drift back and forth from accepting this to resisting it almost daily. I can remember when I was deep in the codependency and denial and was embodying the concept of "let go or be dragged." I would have one day with him where he would act normal (aka had enough drugs so he could function that day). Then he'd go home and revert back to typical addict behavior and I would be absolutely crushed. I would vow, "not again" and then I would lose it- sob and sob for hours and hours.
I was so tangled in the web- untangling myself to even see reality was painful.
I, too, am an intelligent, well-read, well-educated, motivated individual (that took alot : )
But... it's not about the fact that we are X, Y or Z. The fact is that this is OUR disease. I heard here once that when we have been running on the addicts treadmill for so long- getting off hurts- it requires alot of scratches and bruising.
By the grace of God, I am no longer in agonizing emotional pain- although emptiness also feels terrible. When they are in active addiction they care about no one but themselves to think anything other than that is naive. Their love for you has become a backdrop and their first priority is continuing their addiction- keeping it going so they do not have feel the effects of getting of THEIR own treadmill.
I love my abf too but I cannot control him - and I drift back and forth from accepting this to resisting it almost daily. I can remember when I was deep in the codependency and denial and was embodying the concept of "let go or be dragged." I would have one day with him where he would act normal (aka had enough drugs so he could function that day). Then he'd go home and revert back to typical addict behavior and I would be absolutely crushed. I would vow, "not again" and then I would lose it- sob and sob for hours and hours.
I was so tangled in the web- untangling myself to even see reality was painful.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Sending out thoughts & prayers for you -
For me, in recovery I learned it wasn't that I didn't love the alcoholic/addicts in my life any less, it was that I began to love myself MORE. I loved myself enough to want that inner peace for ME.
That's what helped me accept that "if I kept doing what I had always done, I was going to keep getting what I had always gotten"
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
For me, in recovery I learned it wasn't that I didn't love the alcoholic/addicts in my life any less, it was that I began to love myself MORE. I loved myself enough to want that inner peace for ME.
That's what helped me accept that "if I kept doing what I had always done, I was going to keep getting what I had always gotten"
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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