How it is right now-ugh
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
How it is right now-ugh
In less than two weeks my son will be out on his own, living in a rented house with a fellow inmate/ recovery house friend. He has a good job, and good attitude. He's been clean over a year. All good things, yet I'm in a puddle of negative emotion.
Sheesh...it seems like I'm going backwards. I wish I could just be completely happy and excited for him as he starts out again. I really hate this fear and worry. I know he can succeed and so can I. It's just that so much has happened in the 11 years since he started using and I can't erase any of that from my mind or emotions, nor should I.
At my meeting last night, some of what was shared set me off and brought back some bad memories. I came home and cried. There are alot of other issues going on with me- all at once so it's not just about the addiction but other stuff too- family member's health, car problems, roof problems to name a few.
I'm going to meetings and reading a very good book about worry. I'm taking care of me and all that- yet I'm still in a bad place and feel the need to share it.
I need to stay in today and be hopeful and trust that all will work out fine. I'm not very successful at that right now. I just wanted to share how it is right now: the good, bad and the ugh-ly.
Sheesh...it seems like I'm going backwards. I wish I could just be completely happy and excited for him as he starts out again. I really hate this fear and worry. I know he can succeed and so can I. It's just that so much has happened in the 11 years since he started using and I can't erase any of that from my mind or emotions, nor should I.
At my meeting last night, some of what was shared set me off and brought back some bad memories. I came home and cried. There are alot of other issues going on with me- all at once so it's not just about the addiction but other stuff too- family member's health, car problems, roof problems to name a few.
I'm going to meetings and reading a very good book about worry. I'm taking care of me and all that- yet I'm still in a bad place and feel the need to share it.
I need to stay in today and be hopeful and trust that all will work out fine. I'm not very successful at that right now. I just wanted to share how it is right now: the good, bad and the ugh-ly.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by cmc 
There are alot of other issues going on with me- all at once so it's not just about the addiction but other stuff too- family member's health, car problems, roof problems to name a few.
Try not to let everything overwhelm you honey. I know that often times life throws a bunch of stuff at us all at once and it seems impossible to take it all in. Sit down and sort through what is within your control and what isn't. That which isn't in your control, pray on and know that you and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((CMC)))
Sometimes getting triggered with stuff like this is a good reminder for me to go back to the basics. Step 1 is a good start, "I am powerless..."
I posted a prayer that I really like on the Spirituality forum this morning and will share it here and hope it helps you...
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves ...
Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.
rainer maria rilke
Everything will be okay, CMC, really it will whether you worry or not.
Sending huge hugs and lots of love
Sometimes getting triggered with stuff like this is a good reminder for me to go back to the basics. Step 1 is a good start, "I am powerless..."
I posted a prayer that I really like on the Spirituality forum this morning and will share it here and hope it helps you...
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves ...
Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.
rainer maria rilke
Everything will be okay, CMC, really it will whether you worry or not.
Sending huge hugs and lots of love
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Wasting useful energy worrying about things that may never happen. Yup, been there, done that. Why not set aside an hour for worry time. Write some lists like BigSis says and then burn them and when they go up in flame, give them up to God. Prayers for you that your mind will be eased in the coming days and weeks. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
It seems sometimes when all of the chaos ends we end up feeling deflated instead of feeling elated about the good that is taking place. I know that feeling. Now that you don't need to worry about your son at the present time you are focusing on other issues and it is causing you to worry. It's almost like we don't know how to live without some kind of worry about something because we have lived that way for so long. This too shall pass. It almost seems like post traumatic stress. It will get better. It's okay to feel this way right now, you have been through a lot. It's just the way of reacting to having had to deal with so much stress. I know this is not an answer, just trying to shed a little light on the reason why you feel bad when you feel you should be feeling good. Sometimes when I analyze I feel better. You deserve this time of peace in your life. My prayer for you is to feel better about things and let go of the worries.
Hugs.............Lo
Hugs.............Lo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are powerless over your son.we all have to let go & let God,He is in control. where is your son living now? he is still in rehab.? i can understand you being concerned about him living with fellow inmate but their is nothing you can do about it.i hope they both will stay in recovery & work their steps.he has a job,he has a year clean.that is great,that is postive.i will say a prayer for him,his friend & you.stay in today,it will be ok.hugs,hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Thanks for the replies. He's doing well right now, that's not my problem. I'm so proud of him and his progress is terrific. (btw hope- we prefer he live with someone in recovery, it's much better and his choice anyhow- this man is a good friend)
The real difficulty for me these past couple of days was letting go of the things that I can't change- just alot of stuff that piled up all at once, sick ones in the family, car troubles, new roof leaking during hurricane season etc etc. I pray and release things to God, yet still have to take care of the practical things and it does involve my physical and emotional energy. Sometimes time takes time and I'm already feeling alot better today.
What _is_ so hard is being so close to seeing him be successful when every other time at this phase something bad happened. I'm not waiting for relapse to happen, but can't put my head in the sand and say it's not possible. So I have to remind myself that although this wonderful thing is happening with him, I still can't have any expectations and have to realize that what he does or doesn't do is up to him. We've been there before so many times- and I still have hope for a different, better outcome. That old phrase about counting your chickens before they are hatched applies here I guess.
That said, I still have to wait for him to earn back the trust with us. In many ways he has already done that. He has been very consistent with making good choices of late. It's like a dream come true in that respect and I am so grateful. We have a very close relationship and things are good- I've just been worn down by several circumstances that I live with that are beyond my control. My daily life is all about trusting God- it's how I've always lived.
Looking back now and after my emotions have settled, I can see that alot of it is that what we have prayed for and longed for is so very close to happening...and that is wonderful but scary too. I'm really protecting myself and strong enough now to be hopeful yet watch and wait for what will be.
I felt the need to share not only my 'ups' with you and honestly reflect the struggle of my recovery- ebb and flow of faith and trust. Yesterday I was telling a friend how I need my recovery friends to tell me the same things I alway share them...what I know is true but am 'in it' myself. We certainly need each other in this life- and I need the understanding from those who actually know what I'm talking about...You.
I'm sure that HALT hungry/angry/lonely/tired has definitely been part of what I am experiencing. So thanks for reading this and being witness to my recovery which is always in progress but never in perfection.
hugs
The real difficulty for me these past couple of days was letting go of the things that I can't change- just alot of stuff that piled up all at once, sick ones in the family, car troubles, new roof leaking during hurricane season etc etc. I pray and release things to God, yet still have to take care of the practical things and it does involve my physical and emotional energy. Sometimes time takes time and I'm already feeling alot better today.
What _is_ so hard is being so close to seeing him be successful when every other time at this phase something bad happened. I'm not waiting for relapse to happen, but can't put my head in the sand and say it's not possible. So I have to remind myself that although this wonderful thing is happening with him, I still can't have any expectations and have to realize that what he does or doesn't do is up to him. We've been there before so many times- and I still have hope for a different, better outcome. That old phrase about counting your chickens before they are hatched applies here I guess.
That said, I still have to wait for him to earn back the trust with us. In many ways he has already done that. He has been very consistent with making good choices of late. It's like a dream come true in that respect and I am so grateful. We have a very close relationship and things are good- I've just been worn down by several circumstances that I live with that are beyond my control. My daily life is all about trusting God- it's how I've always lived.
Looking back now and after my emotions have settled, I can see that alot of it is that what we have prayed for and longed for is so very close to happening...and that is wonderful but scary too. I'm really protecting myself and strong enough now to be hopeful yet watch and wait for what will be.
I felt the need to share not only my 'ups' with you and honestly reflect the struggle of my recovery- ebb and flow of faith and trust. Yesterday I was telling a friend how I need my recovery friends to tell me the same things I alway share them...what I know is true but am 'in it' myself. We certainly need each other in this life- and I need the understanding from those who actually know what I'm talking about...You.
I'm sure that HALT hungry/angry/lonely/tired has definitely been part of what I am experiencing. So thanks for reading this and being witness to my recovery which is always in progress but never in perfection.
hugs
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((CMC))))) I'm glad things are better today. I guess you are testiment to the fact that this is a life long program. Your recovery is so strong but life has a way of reminding us to go back and visit step 1 every once in awhile.
I loved the prayer Ann posted; thank you Ann...It was what I needed to read today. "Try to love the questions themselves" something for me to reflect on.
No wisdom I can share right now...just wanted to send lots of hugs and prayers. You and your family are always kept close to my heart and in my prayers.
I loved the prayer Ann posted; thank you Ann...It was what I needed to read today. "Try to love the questions themselves" something for me to reflect on.
No wisdom I can share right now...just wanted to send lots of hugs and prayers. You and your family are always kept close to my heart and in my prayers.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((CMC)))
Sometimes, we just have to walk through the feelings. For me, writing them out ... in lots of detail... all the terrible "what-ifs" and then burning that letter - that helps me. It somehow taps into a place in me that "talking" and "reading" and "praying" don't get to.
If you have a sponsor in the program, maybe a little mini-4th step around your son will help with that fear.
There was a time when my fear for my kids was SO big, I would have not even noticed a leaky roof, or car troubles. Perhaps the fact those things have climbed back into your awareness is a sign that you really ARE better than before?
(((CMC)))
Sometimes, we just have to walk through the feelings. For me, writing them out ... in lots of detail... all the terrible "what-ifs" and then burning that letter - that helps me. It somehow taps into a place in me that "talking" and "reading" and "praying" don't get to.
If you have a sponsor in the program, maybe a little mini-4th step around your son will help with that fear.
There was a time when my fear for my kids was SO big, I would have not even noticed a leaky roof, or car troubles. Perhaps the fact those things have climbed back into your awareness is a sign that you really ARE better than before?
(((CMC)))
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
The past is gone forever. Now put those 11 years behind you . All that has happened
and may happen can rain all over your special today. Both you and son have just this day...make it sweet and know whatever comes you will be okay.
Hugs
and may happen can rain all over your special today. Both you and son have just this day...make it sweet and know whatever comes you will be okay.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Sis,
You hit the nail on the head- because I haven't cried from being at a meeting in a long time, so there were some feelings tucked away that I wasn't aware of and now it's out, I can deal with it and move on. It's painful but worth the freedom. With awareness comes healing.
Thank you frankie...this is exactly why I'm sharing, especially when things are better than they have ever been in a long time. I want to enjoy what I have.
Thanks friends, for the input!
hugs,
cmc
You hit the nail on the head- because I haven't cried from being at a meeting in a long time, so there were some feelings tucked away that I wasn't aware of and now it's out, I can deal with it and move on. It's painful but worth the freedom. With awareness comes healing.
All that has happened and may happen can rain all over your special today.
Thanks friends, for the input!
hugs,
cmc
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