alyssiav

This was my original story: My AH has been using since before we got married 3 years ago. I feel like I have been fighting him to get this dealt with forever, even before it got this bad. We have been together since we were teenagers. We have a 15 month old son and everything we ever wanted. I am at the end of my rope. At this point the resentment has evolved into such anger and hatred. I feel like I repeat myself over and over and he promises me that this is the last time everyday is the same bs. He went to rehab about 2 months ago and then checked himself out after 9 days. I was hoping it was enough but he has only gotten worse than ever. I can't keep it together anymore, financially, physically, mentally I am losing it. I need to be here for my Son I need to be happy. A few month ago I was diagnosed with MS and I have to start taking treatments that will make me sick. I am going to need him more than ever. He has left me to deal with all the responsibilities. I work and take care of everything. I'm basically a single mother. I saw an attorney last week and I have been only thinking of how I will be able to raise my Son financially without him. He still has his job. I am having a hard time getting the strength to do this because me and my Son will have to suffer regardless. I have to give up my home and get an apartment and struggle to get by on my salary alone. If I really do this I still have to deal with him because he is the father of my child and he needs to get sober anyways to be in his life. He won't leave the house and I refuse to take my son out of his home. I have to give up the life that I worked so hard to build and it's all because of his addiction. He won't even stay out of our bed so I've resorted to sleeping on the couch in my own house. He's the addict but I'm the one suffering. He has said and done so many things I don't feel I can ever get over and I can't let him use the drugs as his excuse. At the same time I feel like I'm giving up on him and it would be my fault if he gets worse. But if I stay even if he gets help it will be an endless struggle for him to stay sober and I will always worry about relapse. I feel like there is no good option. No matter what we are going to suffer. How do I go on from this because I know it can't stay THIS WAY anymore? Any advise???

So now only days after this post things have escalated and he just keeps using and keeps promising and my Dad has flown across the country to help me help him and he has refused to go back to rehab and wants to do outpatient and of course was supposed to go yesterday to fill out paperwork and got high instead and my Dad got here this morning and my AH says he won't go back to rehab he will finally go the place and fill out the paperwork. So he went there and came back and wasn't happy with the questions they were asking him bcs they wanted employers names and #'s etc... whatever so he came back complaining and arguing with my Da (the ex-cop) so my Dad called the cops and said it was for domestic battery although he didn't touch me and I wasn't even in the room when they were. Although, there has been times when he was high and I should have called the cops, but this wasn't one of those time, so they came asked him to leave and cool off, now supposedly he is going to try another place and get an evaluation from them but can he even really stick with an outpatient program I doubt it. How many chances to I give him before I get a OP and a divorce. Why do I always feel like he deserves another chance, like the millionth chance? This SUX

parentrecovers

hey alyssiav - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

what a loving father you have. i hope the two of you can find a way to help yourselves and each other today.

blessings, k

hello-kitty

I'm sorry you are suffering. You are not alone.

It's not your fault. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You won't cure it. And you are right. It won't stay the same forever. It will continue to get worse as long as you are there and take no action. He will not be able to help you or support you emotionally as long as he is using.

Do you have family or a close friend? Can you go stay with them for a few days until the fog clears and you can make logical decisions?

Do you have transportation? Can you find a support meeting like alanon or naranon in your area? It's good to meet people f2f that you can talk to about what is going on and they won't judge you.

What I had to do in my situation (I, like you, have a 20 mos old son with an addict) -I had change my point of view: Live in the moment. Stop worrying about the what happened in the past, what might happen in the future and do what I needed to do to make sure that my son and me were safe and ok today.

An addicted father is no father. Better that he be out of your sons life all together than bringing chaos into his precious little life. Stay strong for him and know that you will have a better life soon if you stick with your boundaries.

Stay strong.

******{hugs}}}}

Cupicake

Alyssiav...Welcome...I don't think we've met. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

I've been where you are....the self doubt...the guilt...the inability to make a sure fire decision about the situation...the need to get him into recovery and the helplessness you feel when it comes to his addiction. There is a light at the end of this tunnel and it starts by placing your focus back onto yourself. Worry more about yourself...Love yourself more...Do what is best for you even though what's best for you is not necessarily what's best for him. Know that he will not go into recovery until he decides he is ready just like you have to be ready to make a decision to be able to follow through on it. He won't get clean because you stuck with him long enough, loved him enough or helped him enough. He will get clean when and if he wants to.

I don't think I can add much more to what Anvil said....those are some true and wise words.

just for today

Hi, there is some good advise above......the only thing I can add is "when the pain of staying is more than the pain of leaving" then you can say enough is enough.......

Peace

greeteachday

I wanted to add my welcome...you are not alone...We all walk this journey with you.

I'm sorry you have to deal with addiction at all but my heart hurts that you have to deal with it and with treatments for yourself as well.

You have a lot going on in your life; I'm glad you dad is there to provide some support. When I found things so overwhelming that I could hardly breathe, I had to break it down into smaller pieces....Just for today...Just for today, you may want to go somewhere else to get away from the drama or take in an Alanon or Naranon meeting, or take you son out and take a long walk, or just think about what you can live with today. Little by little, you can make each decision and find what is right for you. Hugs and prayers

alyssiav

Thank you all for your wise words. I wish I had found this site so many years ago. I never really wanted to go to any type of alanon bcs I didn't want to learn to cope with his addiction, I wanted someone to tell me how to fix it and now that I am really in the thick of the whole thing I realize how much you really need the support whether you stay or not. It helps so much to talk to people who are stuck in the same situations or have gotten out of them. So Thank you ....all your advice and stories really are making a difference and helping me to be strong. I admire all of you for your strength and courage and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!