I seriously need to vent, I'm sorry in advance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
I seriously need to vent, I'm sorry in advance
I'm sorry but I think I'm about to be really negative and I know everyone tries so hard on here to be positive and up lifting, but I just don't think I can be right now and I have got to get this off my chest before I explode.
ADF (addict dear fiance) is back at it yet again. After everything, EVERYTHING, and I've threatened and gave ultimatums that I swore to myself I would stick to but here I am, stuck with a child and my job won't be able to support her on my own. I've stayed yet again, I've stayed for my daughter. And my self esteem and self worth is in the gutter right now. I am disgusted with myself because I am still in this stupid situation.
He is getting help in an outpatient program, but that doesn't start until the 18th and I have to put up with his mood swings and irrational rationalization until then. IF AND A BIG IF he recovers, things will never be the same anf I don't see how things could get better. I fantasize about leaving him and me and my daughter living happily ever after, but it will crush me when she is crying for him. WHY WHY WHY DID HE DO THIS???? I hate him for what he's doing to her. My father did the same thing to me. I was daddy's little girl my whole life and then one night when I was 2 months pregnant my dad got wasted and started throwing punches, luckily I got out of there. I see it coming and I hate him for what I know he will do. He little world will be turned upside down one day when she realizes that there's nothing left of her daddy.
I hate him for not being the man that he is supposed to be. I hate how he treats me I hate how he talks to me and all I want, more than anything is to be able t look at him and see then man I used to love. And I hate myself, because I should be supporting him through his recovery and right now I do everything possible to not be around him. I hate myself, because I'm still in love with him after everything he has done.
Everyone is so happy right now. I have so many friends who have gotten married and who are now engaged and I truly am happy for them but it hurts me too. That's supposed to be us. We were the perfect couple, the fairy tale romance. We should have been married along time ago (hence the username) but we aren't cause I don't want to be trapped anymore than I already feel like I am. WHERE IS MY FING HAPPY LIFE???? WTF HAPPENED??? What did I do? I try so hard to do everything right and be the best person I can be and here he is, doing everything possible to counteract that. Why can't he kick this? Why can't he be strong enough? Why is our daughter and myself or even himself a big enough reason to stop?
All I can do is what I've been doing, which is slowly making progress to where I can take control of my life and my daughter's life and be able to get us out of this situation when the time comes, but in the mean time... sometimes it's so hard to keep it together.
ADF (addict dear fiance) is back at it yet again. After everything, EVERYTHING, and I've threatened and gave ultimatums that I swore to myself I would stick to but here I am, stuck with a child and my job won't be able to support her on my own. I've stayed yet again, I've stayed for my daughter. And my self esteem and self worth is in the gutter right now. I am disgusted with myself because I am still in this stupid situation.
He is getting help in an outpatient program, but that doesn't start until the 18th and I have to put up with his mood swings and irrational rationalization until then. IF AND A BIG IF he recovers, things will never be the same anf I don't see how things could get better. I fantasize about leaving him and me and my daughter living happily ever after, but it will crush me when she is crying for him. WHY WHY WHY DID HE DO THIS???? I hate him for what he's doing to her. My father did the same thing to me. I was daddy's little girl my whole life and then one night when I was 2 months pregnant my dad got wasted and started throwing punches, luckily I got out of there. I see it coming and I hate him for what I know he will do. He little world will be turned upside down one day when she realizes that there's nothing left of her daddy.
I hate him for not being the man that he is supposed to be. I hate how he treats me I hate how he talks to me and all I want, more than anything is to be able t look at him and see then man I used to love. And I hate myself, because I should be supporting him through his recovery and right now I do everything possible to not be around him. I hate myself, because I'm still in love with him after everything he has done.
Everyone is so happy right now. I have so many friends who have gotten married and who are now engaged and I truly am happy for them but it hurts me too. That's supposed to be us. We were the perfect couple, the fairy tale romance. We should have been married along time ago (hence the username) but we aren't cause I don't want to be trapped anymore than I already feel like I am. WHERE IS MY FING HAPPY LIFE???? WTF HAPPENED??? What did I do? I try so hard to do everything right and be the best person I can be and here he is, doing everything possible to counteract that. Why can't he kick this? Why can't he be strong enough? Why is our daughter and myself or even himself a big enough reason to stop?
All I can do is what I've been doing, which is slowly making progress to where I can take control of my life and my daughter's life and be able to get us out of this situation when the time comes, but in the mean time... sometimes it's so hard to keep it together.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
I am so sorry you are going thru this.................it hurts and it sucks but you are not alone ....................many of us know how you feel and have been there....or still are (my ah is in rehab after a year of relapses)
please stick around others will be along soon with help and support
please stick around others will be along soon with help and support
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 4
I share your anger and disappointment. I feel the same way about my AH and I'm so sorry you have to go through this with a young child. I also have two 3-year-olds and it is so upsetting that they have to deal with this. Just try your best to be strong.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Iowa
Posts: 54
Can you get any help from the state if it were just you and your daughter? since you still love him and want him in your daughters life, try finding a place of your own or have him find his own place, let your daughter see him often (after rehab.) maybe he'll realize what he's lost and stray straight (hopefully).
Good Luck and prayers to you all.
Good Luck and prayers to you all.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
gosh do i know you pain, been going through it for a long long time, it doesn't get any better i'm afraid, until he sees what you are seeing now. he has to see that he needs help for himself so what more can we do? i'm sure you've done all you know to do and then some, but now maybe time to continue to focus on you, i was told to let my anger be my driving force. i pray that things will get better for you and your family soon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
never,never stay with a person because of a child.i stayed with my a.s.father for 20yrs.until my son was 17 & out of school.that was the worse thing i ever did.i saraficed my other two kids for the one.all three have paid for that mistake of mine.make a happy home for your child any way you have to do it..prayers, hope
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
First off, thank you for understanding my anger. It is very much apprieciated.
His mom has asked my to stay strong ad stick it out while he gets help. I'm trying, but the help just isn't coming soon enough. She doesn't want him on the street because he will well.. binge probably. I will do my best and keep focusing on what I want for my life and my daughters life and see how he does. I am not hopeful, I have no faith in him that he will overcome this. But, I am doing this for his mom, and for my daughter (she's 2). Hopefully..... hopefully he will overcome this for her. Thanks again for letting me vent. A Little weight has been lifted. I will be on later again. He is home from work so I can't come on here much cause I don't want him to see this.
His mom has asked my to stay strong ad stick it out while he gets help. I'm trying, but the help just isn't coming soon enough. She doesn't want him on the street because he will well.. binge probably. I will do my best and keep focusing on what I want for my life and my daughters life and see how he does. I am not hopeful, I have no faith in him that he will overcome this. But, I am doing this for his mom, and for my daughter (she's 2). Hopefully..... hopefully he will overcome this for her. Thanks again for letting me vent. A Little weight has been lifted. I will be on later again. He is home from work so I can't come on here much cause I don't want him to see this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
Thank you Hope, I don't think that I can continue for much longer and while it's never easy, I think the older she gets the harder it would be for me to take this step and the harder it will be on her as well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are so right.i think the older a child is the harder it is.my mother left me at age 2 i do not ever remember living with her.my dad remarried when i was 6 & divioced when i was 27. it upset me awful. probley the difference is at a later age (my son was 17,)you are able to see the hurt in your parents. just my thinking.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Originally Posted by wifeofanaddict1 
But, I am doing this for his mom, and for my daughter (she's 2).
Don't be abusive to you in favor of everyone else. It will cause you to just lose days in this precious thing we have called life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
Elana, you are so right. What am I doing for me? I'm allowing myself to be sucked into something that isn't my battle. I'm allowing myself to be completely stripped of every good quality that I have and loosing all self respect for allowing myself to be in this situation. I've held on for so long to the picture of what my life as an adult would be and I've fought so hard for this fantasy and now looking back at the train wreck I call my life I am faced with letting this dream I had go. But I don't have a new dream to fill this void. And it's easier to hold onto this disaster than it is to step out on the ledge and have faith in my judgement that I will choose a better path this time. What if I don't? What if I choose wrong? As much as I try and want to make a better life for myself, I always have my daughter to think about and how my decisions will alter her life.
This is such a scary place to be in right now. At this point, the only thing I can do is grasp onto my daughter and keep her close in my heart and figure out the steps to getting on that right path. We are in the process of moving right now. Which is a good thing. When I look at our new home, I see me and my daughter, and peace. This will be my home, my daughters home. And I am slowly but surely setting myself up to where when it's time to make that decision that I pretty much know is coming we will both be in a good place emotionally and financially.
I guess, I just found my new dream. Happy and peaceful life for my daughter and I. I just wish I had a string of support, family to help me and guide me, but sadly if/ when this step has to be taken, I will be taking it on my own and that is so scary.
Another thing I get mad about, is that I can't shake the guilt. If I leave him I feel like I will be throwing him to the wolves and he will loose control and waste away into the addict inside that I have been trying to force out of him. I know I know, there's nothing that I can do to help him, but just because I know this doesn't make the guilt go away and then I get mad all over again because why am I feeling guilty for taking control of my life when I have let him make all the decisions of my life by his addiction all these years. I mean... seriously how long does he think I will continue putting up with this? UGH!
Sorry, I'm kinda running off at the mouth now, I'm just typing as these thoughts and feelings are surfacing. I hope this makes sense.
Should I even bother to voice these feelings to him? I think I am at a point where it's the right time to let him know where I stand. But, then should I give him the power over me of knowing my inner thoughts and feelings so he can possibly use them against me?
This is such a scary place to be in right now. At this point, the only thing I can do is grasp onto my daughter and keep her close in my heart and figure out the steps to getting on that right path. We are in the process of moving right now. Which is a good thing. When I look at our new home, I see me and my daughter, and peace. This will be my home, my daughters home. And I am slowly but surely setting myself up to where when it's time to make that decision that I pretty much know is coming we will both be in a good place emotionally and financially.
I guess, I just found my new dream. Happy and peaceful life for my daughter and I. I just wish I had a string of support, family to help me and guide me, but sadly if/ when this step has to be taken, I will be taking it on my own and that is so scary.
Another thing I get mad about, is that I can't shake the guilt. If I leave him I feel like I will be throwing him to the wolves and he will loose control and waste away into the addict inside that I have been trying to force out of him. I know I know, there's nothing that I can do to help him, but just because I know this doesn't make the guilt go away and then I get mad all over again because why am I feeling guilty for taking control of my life when I have let him make all the decisions of my life by his addiction all these years. I mean... seriously how long does he think I will continue putting up with this? UGH!
Sorry, I'm kinda running off at the mouth now, I'm just typing as these thoughts and feelings are surfacing. I hope this makes sense.
Should I even bother to voice these feelings to him? I think I am at a point where it's the right time to let him know where I stand. But, then should I give him the power over me of knowing my inner thoughts and feelings so he can possibly use them against me?
Last edited by wifeofanaddict1; 06-11-2007 at 09:33 PM. Reason: typos
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Wifeofanaddict1... have you found any Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area? They are free, both daytime and night time and have helped me very much. I urge you to consider going to about 6 meetings before deciding if they are right for you... it is a subtle program and every meeting has a different flavor.
I wish you well.
I wish you well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lafayette LA
Posts: 16
No I haven't yet. I keep saying I will but then I don't. I can tell you the millions of reasons why I can't find the time, but it's pointless. I just haven't. Honestly I'm scared of going. I'm scared that if I go I will get sucked into this life even more because I will have understanding of his condition and want to stay, and I'm scared that It will do more harm than good. Why do I feel this way? I don't know. It may seems silly that I'm scared to get help for myself to deal, but I am and I don't understand it myself.
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