when & how to protect the children
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3
when & how to protect the children
My crack-addicted sister left her 90 day rehab, after less than three weeks--says she has had plenty of time for soul searching, and that she can fix this on her own (uh-huh.......23+ years a coke/crack addict--and she can fix herself!). She wants my mom and I to continue to care for her 5 year old (as we have been), until she can secure a place to live, etc.
Here's the real dilemma.... What do we do when she decides that it's convenient to be "mom" again? Of course, I am giving a very abridged version......there has been so much trauma since she came back into our lives--we have been extremely concerned about the child's welfare for awhile, now. I can distance myself from her (although, I love her). But how do we protect the child, without completely alienating the addict?
Is anyone out there in a similar situation?
Here's the real dilemma.... What do we do when she decides that it's convenient to be "mom" again? Of course, I am giving a very abridged version......there has been so much trauma since she came back into our lives--we have been extremely concerned about the child's welfare for awhile, now. I can distance myself from her (although, I love her). But how do we protect the child, without completely alienating the addict?
Is anyone out there in a similar situation?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Is the local child protective services involved. If not maybe you need to let them know what is going on and that you would be willing to take custody of the child until they decide your sister is okay to do it. That way the child is protected and you will have some say in what will happen. Just a thought. I am sorry that you and this innocent child must go through this. Crack is a very hard drug to stay away from and it sounds like your sister is not really ready. Hugs, Marle
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
I took custody of my grandson when I discovered syringes etc in my daughters apt...just went to a court house where they helped me fill out papers requesting legal custody. They had a legal aid lawyer onsite who assisted for free. It actually didn't require a court hearing, the document was signed and after more than a few trips...I had custody.
If your sister wants to fight it, it would be tougher, but if she is in agreement...no problem.
But as advised above, if she wants to fight...call CPS and get them involved, it actually helps smooth the way.
NSW
If your sister wants to fight it, it would be tougher, but if she is in agreement...no problem.
But as advised above, if she wants to fight...call CPS and get them involved, it actually helps smooth the way.
NSW
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Lalilsis)))))
Hi and welcome to sr. I'm Linda and the addict in my life is my 25 yo son.
I also have two nephews who are addicts. My sister's sons.
1 is living on the streets. The other is in jail. The 1 in jail had a baby by another addict. They were both investigated by cps and the woman's 3 children were taken into foster care. The one belonging to my nephew, a boy, is my sister's grandson.
So, she received custody pretty quickly. He is now 5 yo and is in preschool.
He is the light in my sister's eye. Smart, gorgeous, and hilariously funny.
The fact that my sister is 55 and not very healthy, she has carpal tunnel syndrome, smokes cigarettes, and recently fell on the sidewalk and fractured a bone in her hand, has me worried about the child if my sister were to pass away. God forbid. I can't help not thinking about it. She wants my husband and I to take him if something like that happens. I told her I'd take him now, but not after he's older and spoiled rotten. lol
Anyway, my hubby recently said that we should probably sit down with her and have a serious discussion about the what if's and maybe have a lawyer write up an agreement.
I say, if you want to raise the child, and are fearful of your sister taking him away and exposing him to her drug life, then seek professional help and start the ball rolling.
It's in the best interest of your nephew.
My prayers for you and your family.
This is a great place and I hope you continue to come back.
A new sr buddy,
Linda
Hi and welcome to sr. I'm Linda and the addict in my life is my 25 yo son.
I also have two nephews who are addicts. My sister's sons.
1 is living on the streets. The other is in jail. The 1 in jail had a baby by another addict. They were both investigated by cps and the woman's 3 children were taken into foster care. The one belonging to my nephew, a boy, is my sister's grandson.
So, she received custody pretty quickly. He is now 5 yo and is in preschool.
He is the light in my sister's eye. Smart, gorgeous, and hilariously funny.
The fact that my sister is 55 and not very healthy, she has carpal tunnel syndrome, smokes cigarettes, and recently fell on the sidewalk and fractured a bone in her hand, has me worried about the child if my sister were to pass away. God forbid. I can't help not thinking about it. She wants my husband and I to take him if something like that happens. I told her I'd take him now, but not after he's older and spoiled rotten. lol
Anyway, my hubby recently said that we should probably sit down with her and have a serious discussion about the what if's and maybe have a lawyer write up an agreement.
I say, if you want to raise the child, and are fearful of your sister taking him away and exposing him to her drug life, then seek professional help and start the ball rolling.
It's in the best interest of your nephew.
My prayers for you and your family.
This is a great place and I hope you continue to come back.
A new sr buddy,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Im not sure what your situation is but it may help to talk to Itiswhatitis. She is a member of the board here at SR. It may also help you to contact your local Family Services or Social Services office.Each state depends on different rules. There is many members here who are caring for nieces and nephew or grandchildren. They will be along shortly to help you out.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Yep - I agree with the above, time to get the professionals involved. A five year has no defenses against a 23-year crack habit. He needs to be protected, and if that means removed, then that might be the key event that finally convinces your sis to get sober. I pray that her time can be soon.
(((Hugs)))
(((Hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3
Thanks so much for all of your advice--it is a tremendous help, to hear from all of you.
We are still going to take this one day at a time for a while. I don't know why I am so afraid to get DHR involved. I guess, I feel like my sister is very weak and that losing her daughter would be the last straw? Also, that she would then feel as though I've betrayed her. And trust me, I realize how stupid that sounds.............. The very most important part of this whole drama is my niece's care. I cannot make my sister better, but I can make sure that her daughter is safe.
(This is not my sister's only child--her other children were taken away by their alcoholic father, through a very costly court battle-and yes, I do think my sister is partially responsible, however; can it ever be the "right thing" for children to not know their mother at all?) Her heart is broken, and, I believe this is part of why she has the need to continue to use drugs.
Of course, the selfish part of me has no desire whatsoever to take care of another child--truthfully, I've been counting the years until mine are grown and am carefully PLANNING my own mid-life crisis when they are all on their own....lol.
I realize I am asking more questions--and truly, I already know most of the answers--I probably just don't want to know.
Do you ever covet the "escape mechanism" that addicts have? Of course, I am thankful that I am not an addict. Sometimes the real world is kind of sucky, though--and I really don't want to deal with it either!
Thanks again for all of your help. God Bless You All!
Isn't it great that I know everything? That's what my sister would say
We are still going to take this one day at a time for a while. I don't know why I am so afraid to get DHR involved. I guess, I feel like my sister is very weak and that losing her daughter would be the last straw? Also, that she would then feel as though I've betrayed her. And trust me, I realize how stupid that sounds.............. The very most important part of this whole drama is my niece's care. I cannot make my sister better, but I can make sure that her daughter is safe.
(This is not my sister's only child--her other children were taken away by their alcoholic father, through a very costly court battle-and yes, I do think my sister is partially responsible, however; can it ever be the "right thing" for children to not know their mother at all?) Her heart is broken, and, I believe this is part of why she has the need to continue to use drugs.
Of course, the selfish part of me has no desire whatsoever to take care of another child--truthfully, I've been counting the years until mine are grown and am carefully PLANNING my own mid-life crisis when they are all on their own....lol.
I realize I am asking more questions--and truly, I already know most of the answers--I probably just don't want to know.
Do you ever covet the "escape mechanism" that addicts have? Of course, I am thankful that I am not an addict. Sometimes the real world is kind of sucky, though--and I really don't want to deal with it either!
Thanks again for all of your help. God Bless You All!
Isn't it great that I know everything? That's what my sister would say
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Lalilsis...
LOL...your post made me laugh. Trust me the last thing I wanted was to be raising another child....lol. After all, look how the first one turned out!!!!
I know I hesitated with my finger on the phone to call police and CPS, after all my daughter was a nurse, and I was afraid for her future....but after making the call, and seeing my daughters slide down into a pit worse than I could ever have imagined....I was grateful that I had the strength, that my grandson was spared even more than he had ever been subjected to. My daughter ended up homeless (what would have happened to my grandson?), she ended up in jail....and only now 1 year later, does my grandson admit to sometimes not having food in the house, the electricity getting turned off, fear of the people coming around....
It's no way any child should have to live, and trust me, what you see is nowhere close to the reality the children are living.
Said with love and all kinds of empathy... (smile)
LOL...your post made me laugh. Trust me the last thing I wanted was to be raising another child....lol. After all, look how the first one turned out!!!!
I know I hesitated with my finger on the phone to call police and CPS, after all my daughter was a nurse, and I was afraid for her future....but after making the call, and seeing my daughters slide down into a pit worse than I could ever have imagined....I was grateful that I had the strength, that my grandson was spared even more than he had ever been subjected to. My daughter ended up homeless (what would have happened to my grandson?), she ended up in jail....and only now 1 year later, does my grandson admit to sometimes not having food in the house, the electricity getting turned off, fear of the people coming around....
It's no way any child should have to live, and trust me, what you see is nowhere close to the reality the children are living.
Said with love and all kinds of empathy... (smile)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
lalilsis,
i just went through a situation with my sister - i had custody of her 2 and 4 yr old after she and lil guys dad wer eon a three month crack binge - my sister was in rehab for 2 weeks - lil guys dad didn't think he had a problem (he went through a $75,000 one time disability payment in three months smoking crack - problem????) i WISH i had filed for permanent custody of those two - my sister and bf picked up the lil guys monday at 10:30 at night - since formal custody wasn't filed for there was NOTHING we could do - dcfs in IL was involved but won't do anything now - the police were here for 2 hours and there was nothing they could do - jen and jeff got two car seats from the police and drove off with two lil guys taht had my heart and soul for almost 4 months - i'm sick - i wish i would have done things differently but i did everything i felt comfortable doing and i did the best i could - i didn't know if i wanted permanent custody for the next 16 years but i wish i had filed - i would have had custody of the kids if i had livedin il but i live in indiana and even having dcfs involved in both states from the beginning nobody could do anything - if i had lived in IL we would have had custody and money - it just sucks that state agencies can't truly do what is best for the child - do whatever you have to do - i can only pray for my lil guys now - and it sucks...
love,
s
i just went through a situation with my sister - i had custody of her 2 and 4 yr old after she and lil guys dad wer eon a three month crack binge - my sister was in rehab for 2 weeks - lil guys dad didn't think he had a problem (he went through a $75,000 one time disability payment in three months smoking crack - problem????) i WISH i had filed for permanent custody of those two - my sister and bf picked up the lil guys monday at 10:30 at night - since formal custody wasn't filed for there was NOTHING we could do - dcfs in IL was involved but won't do anything now - the police were here for 2 hours and there was nothing they could do - jen and jeff got two car seats from the police and drove off with two lil guys taht had my heart and soul for almost 4 months - i'm sick - i wish i would have done things differently but i did everything i felt comfortable doing and i did the best i could - i didn't know if i wanted permanent custody for the next 16 years but i wish i had filed - i would have had custody of the kids if i had livedin il but i live in indiana and even having dcfs involved in both states from the beginning nobody could do anything - if i had lived in IL we would have had custody and money - it just sucks that state agencies can't truly do what is best for the child - do whatever you have to do - i can only pray for my lil guys now - and it sucks...
love,
s
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