I don't know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
I don't know what to do
how smart am I? I have an almost-ex-husband who is addicted to drugs. Now I'm in a relationship with a man who is in AA AND NA. So I joined Al-Anon in my town. Mostly to deal with the stuff from my ex, my bf is doing very good at staying clean and sober. So today we had a bit of an argument, so start to tell him what had been going on with me this week, that I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact to that I was emotionally abused for 12 years, and my bf before that for 3 years was physically abusive. he tells me he doesn't want to hear it. that his sponsor says he's not to share his problems with me and he wants me to share mine with an al-anon member. I just started going so I'm not comfortable with calling anyone yet. I think that when your in a relationship that you should share everything and help each other and support each other. Am I wrong? it's like he doesn't want to deal with any of the bad stuff. Am I being selfish? I wasn't asking him for advice, just support. I just don't know what to do.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Cat,
Welcome to sober recovery, I don't think we've met before.
Wonderful place, wonderful people.
As I read your post, it reminded me of the saying "Jump out of the pan, into the fire"
Since your divorce is not even final yet, maybe you should give yourself a little space, and rejoice in the single life for awhile?
Sounds like your an addict magnet, maybe work on you for a bit, and see why you tend to go towards the difficult men?
Hugs,
Welcome to sober recovery, I don't think we've met before.
Wonderful place, wonderful people.
As I read your post, it reminded me of the saying "Jump out of the pan, into the fire"
Since your divorce is not even final yet, maybe you should give yourself a little space, and rejoice in the single life for awhile?
Sounds like your an addict magnet, maybe work on you for a bit, and see why you tend to go towards the difficult men?
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i find addicts are selfish but also they have to put themselves first & work there program. maybe later on he will be able to listen to you.as of now keep going to meetings & then get your sponsor.we r here for you also.i am glad you have found us.welcome to S.R. & keep coming back.prayers, hope
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Of course you should be able to share things like that in a relationship, it's part of who you are and how you got that way. It's not up to your boyfriend to solve your problems, but a little support and encouragement might go a long way.
I'm sorry but I have to agree with the others, taking a time out from any relationship and continuing your meetings might give you a chance to work on yourself and your issues and help you to avoid unhealthy relationships. Once you are okay and feeling good about yourself, you'll know you are worth more than this fellow is giving you.
Just my thoughts. Whether you stay or go we're supporting you all the way here.
Hugs
I'm sorry but I have to agree with the others, taking a time out from any relationship and continuing your meetings might give you a chance to work on yourself and your issues and help you to avoid unhealthy relationships. Once you are okay and feeling good about yourself, you'll know you are worth more than this fellow is giving you.
Just my thoughts. Whether you stay or go we're supporting you all the way here.
Hugs
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I remember a counselor Mr. Big and I went to (who I respect very much). She told us that a codependent relationship was like two people leaning on each other - she held her index fingers up, touching at the tips - like the top of a triangle. It feels "supportive", but if either ONE of those two stumbles.... she drops one finger... then the OTHER one ALSO falls!
A good, healthy relationship, both partners walk side by side - not leaning on each other, but finding their own supports.
I hear your boyfriend telling you he doesn't have the skills or tools or strength to be able to listen to your problems without it affecting his serenity. I admire his honesty and his advice. The women in MY Alanon group became precious to me only after I made myself vulnerable by revealing my real stuff to them. I now have over 20 women I can call - anytime. Before Alanon, I ONLY had Mr. Big.
Coincidentally, my relationship with Mr. Big has improved ... a lot in the past 3 years. And he does not attend a program at all. The changes have been on MY side and have obviously been making a big impact on both of us - even though I can't really point to any one thing I do different today.
You might consider sharing something small at your meetings - perhaps just this conversation with the boyfriend - and see what sort of responses you receive.
And you might think about sharing that you are seeking a sponsor - because most of the really deep stuff are things that I share only with my sponsor, and not necessarily at the full meeting.
I do wish you the best and hope you continue to post. ((hugs))
A good, healthy relationship, both partners walk side by side - not leaning on each other, but finding their own supports.
I hear your boyfriend telling you he doesn't have the skills or tools or strength to be able to listen to your problems without it affecting his serenity. I admire his honesty and his advice. The women in MY Alanon group became precious to me only after I made myself vulnerable by revealing my real stuff to them. I now have over 20 women I can call - anytime. Before Alanon, I ONLY had Mr. Big.
Coincidentally, my relationship with Mr. Big has improved ... a lot in the past 3 years. And he does not attend a program at all. The changes have been on MY side and have obviously been making a big impact on both of us - even though I can't really point to any one thing I do different today.
You might consider sharing something small at your meetings - perhaps just this conversation with the boyfriend - and see what sort of responses you receive.
And you might think about sharing that you are seeking a sponsor - because most of the really deep stuff are things that I share only with my sponsor, and not necessarily at the full meeting.
I do wish you the best and hope you continue to post. ((hugs))
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