caileesnana

Now I can be mad instead of scared to death. I called to the creep's house where his father allows them to "stay" (along w/ two little sisters). She answered the phone! Who does she think she is? I deal w/ anger much better than hurt. As much as I can't believe this is happening again, it is. I know she'll call when she's sick, beat up, something. But I hope she doesn't. I know she is alive--if that's what ya call it. How can she be satisfied living in a shack with nothing? She doesn't give a damn about her family, guess she hasn't in years. Right now I feel like she is getting what she deserves! I wish she'd get a good ol' fashioned a-- kickin--maybe that would knock some sense into her. I hate her right now. The hurt, pain, anguish and misery she has inflicted for so long. My parents are quite ill and every time they ask about her I hate her more. Everytime my nephews ask and my granddaughter crys for her I hate her more, everytime I look at her pictures, walk by her room I HATE HER. Pictures are coming down.

Ann

I'm glad she is alive and can feel the pain in your thread.

We have a saying here that might help with you anger...."Love the addict, hate the disease". When addiction is in control, the person we love disappears but they are still in there somewhere. I hope that some day soon, she finds a better path and you see the real person again.

Hugs

outonalimb

I'm so sorry for all of the pain she has caused you.

Anger's alot easier to deal with than fear although they're just different sides of the same coin.

Hugs to you...
I hope you do something nice for yourself tonight or tomorrow...something just for YOU.

marle

Not too long ago I was in the same place with my daughter. She will soon be 21 and lives with a 37 year old abusive crack addict. My daughter had so much going for her before addiction and now she does nothing with her life except drugs which the boyfriend gladly supplies. I felt the anger. It was my way of detaching from her. I was angry for a long time. Seeing a therapist helped me to realize that she is not doing it to me and that my anger was just eating me alive. I have found compassion for her but it took a long time. I don't see her. I don't call. I put her in God's hands and know that what I can't do for her, He can when she is ready to surrender. I realize that I might lose her to this disease, but the life she has now is full of pain. You will find peace in time. The important thing is for you to learn to take care of you and trust that she is right where she needs to be. The lessons she is learning now are what will someday help her to get clean. I will say a prayer for her and for you too. Hugs, Marle

deedee

Something I heard when my son was at his worst ... "they don't do it to us, they just do it". It's not personal, although it sure feels like it nana. When the drugs have control, they will do or say anything to chase the high. Hugs to you, because I know how difficult this is

hope213

i am glad she is alive. i feel the pain,pain can sometimes be anger. let go or be dragged. i am saying a prayer for oyu & her too. they do not realize what they are doing & never do sometimes.it is not her it is the addiction.

caileesnana

I don't know why I called the number, guess I knew inside. A relief she is alive. I don't know that I'll ever understand.

patchoulli

we all have been there. As said up above, love the person, hate the disease, live your life....We do know

teke

sorry you are hurting, i agree with the others, keeping you and your family in my prayers, and i pray that she finds her way soon

Hurtbad2505

Hard to believe that there are sooo many of us who know your pain...but we're here. I'm glad you found this place, it's saved my sanity and the people here are awesome..
For now, you know she's alive, you know you aren't the cause of her choices in life, and you know that as long as there is life, there is hope.

Take care of YOU for a while, just a little at a time, it really does help when you give them up to their HP and BELIEVE that he/she will lead them home.

BigSis

My daughter and son are both addicts.... daughter's drug of choice was meth....awful stuff. Turned her into a monster.

What I know today is that she was in there the entire time-- but she was hidden. That person... that monster I saw was the DRUG... it was the ADDICTION. It was not my daughter.

.

You are in a card game, and the drug has the highest cards.... every time. The drug trumps your love... the drug trumps your nice home....the drug trumps your hot meals and warm bed. The drug beats you every time.

Stop playing.

When someone told me that, I just cried. My baby was on 17 and a YOUNG 17. But I finally (after lots of pain) quit playing... we kicked her out and let her live with her druggie friends.

The universe intervened. She got a shoplifting charge and a choice of jail or rehab. This was her 4th rehab. She chose the rehab, and the whole time I felt like..."fine. here we go again...."

But that was the last rehab she attended. She met someone there. She heard something she needed to hear. And eventually, she got sober.

She never stopped loving me. She never stopped wanting our love. I just could not show it in "traditional" ways while the drug was in control. Alanon helped me understand that and put that into action.

I wish you the best.

caileesnana

Never thought about it like that. I'm so glad to hear you say she is in there. She too is a monster, an evil one that I have seen face to face. Her drug is whatever is available or whoever she can do whatever for and get any kind of drug. She too was a very immature, 17 yo when it started, with a broken heart. She struggled in school since day one and the older she got the worse. I made sure she had the best teachers, tutoring, counseling. I did my part and it didn't work! She is what she is and it breaks my heart.

See those words "she was in there" made my day.
Thank you and God bless you and yours!

itiswhatitis...

i so could have written your post about 3 months ago - i have temporary custody of my lil nephews - age 2 & 4 - because of my sister's addiction - we thought she was dead - filed a missing persons report - and then she turned up - at a sybaris hotel - i was cleaning up stomach flu and diarhea from sick kids and she was at a hotel???!!! - oh i was so mad - it took a few more weeks before we heard from her - and i was still mad - but when i finally talked (i mean talked not ranted) she said something that made me feel sympathy towards her - she said that this was *the worst time of her life* - it was a few weeks longer and she got treatment - well she's in there now - i hope this works - i really do but i had to remind myself a few times that no one grows up wanting to be a drug addict - god knows i don't want to be an addict - i just hope your daughter and my sister find their way - before they kill themselves...

love,
s

ncdeac

Boy oh boy have I been there. My AH would disappear for days and days at a time. For some reason 12 days was his magic number. But each time it was excruciating. Like you I called the hospitals and the jails just so I could know he was still alive. I would drive around in the middle of the night in the worst parts of town hunting his car until one night at a stoplight a man came out of nowhere and threw himself up against my car and nearly scared me to death right on the spot. I don't even remember driving home that night but I walked in my house collapsed on the kitchen floor and primal sobs poured out of me. I was literally out of control of my own body. And then I heard it...my higher power...my God...whatever you want to call it...a voice as clear as someone in the room with me and it simply said "Let Go". Two words that literally changed my life. A sense of peace came over me that I hadn't felt in months. That was the moment that I realize there was NOTHING I could do make my AH get clean. No crying, no begging, no threatening, no anger...none of it worked. My anger was wasted, my fear was wasted, my pain was wasted...the only person being affected by all those negative emotions was me. It wasn't helping him or affecting him one bit. That was the moment it finally clicked that it had absolutely nothing to do with me. He wasn't trying to hurt me intentionally. This had nothing to do with me at all. And it was in that moment I detached. I still loved my husband dearly, but from that moment on I never "enabled" him again. That was the last time I went looking for him, that was the last time I allowed him to manipulate me, that was the last time I let him control me. He called a few days later with some unbelievable story (we've all heard them..you know what I'm talking about) needing money. I simply said, "I love you and it is because of that love I will no longer help you kill yourself. When you are ready to make the move come home and I will support you every step of the way but until then leave me out of your life." It wasn't too many weeks later he came home for good and started recovery. He has been clean and sober for nearly 2 years now. It was him though, not me. He didn't get clean for me or because of me...I had no control over it. He got clean because for whatever reason one night he decided enough was enough.

The same is true for your daughter. She isn't trying to hurt you, she really isn't. This isn't about you. This is a disease that has her so far gone right now. You can't fix her, you can't make her stop, you can't control her and I know how hard it is to finally accept that. But you have too. Until you do you can't recover. She will find her way in her own time, God willing. It was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life but detaching doesn't mean forgetting about her or stopping loving her...it simple means quitting letting her control your life, your emotions...your happiness. Love her, pray for her but accept that she won't change until she is ready.

I'll be praying for you both.

(((hugs)))

StarGazer6

I can relate, since me and my AExBF broke up, I've gone through sooo many different emotions, I feel anger on and off quite a bit. I'm angry that he chooses that life to be addicted and allows it to overcome the loving relationships in his life (or HAD in his life). Getting high everyday is the most important thing to him now. I believe that's why he broke up with me, so that he could get high in peace w/o feeling pressured to grow up, even though he's 30 now and still refuses to grow up! I chose to leave all of that crap behind so that I could get somewhere in life but by doing that, we grew apart and he's still doing drugs everyday. It's tragic when you see someone go down like my exbf who has a Bachelor's degree, a real estate license and CHOSE that path and STILL chooses it. Damn right it makes me angry!!

I definitely roll through a variety of emotions but like Ann said "love the addict, hate the disease", it's good advice and helps you feel at peace b/c you're letting go by learning to accept this. I work on it everyday myself and to "live and let live".