patchoulli

Hiya everyone...I want to just tell everyone how glad you are here. I am doing well. I still miss Keith, he was a great guy, terrible addict, but the person in there was a very gentle, beautiful, tormented soul. I am sure he is at peace now. I've just about paid any debt that I was responsible for and IM STILL STANDING... Because of him and you all, I am coming out of this mess with love in my heart, sadness yes, but no bitterness...I have been taking care of me, telling people my story and turning people on to this site and the wonderful people on it. I work, ride my bike, babysit my grandson, and read Anns post every morning before I go to work. Now, I'm gonna relate a little story about what is going on in my life today. About a week after Keith died, Iwent thru my email list and found the email of a man I used to see before I met Keith[going back almost 4 years]. He was nice, but not emotionally available and I didn't think he treated me well enough[only called once a week, never wanted to do anything, and the relationship wasn't going anywhere after almost a year]. I emailed him and said Hi...he responded back and after a few emails, he asked me if he could call. I wasn't ready but after a few weeks did have him call me. He seems changed, actually apologized to me, saying he knew he was cold but he had just got thru a nasty divorce and was emotionally void. I believe that, because thats what I felt. I met Keith and never returned any of his calls. He tells me that he would like to get to know me now and is not in a hurry for anything. We have spoken on the phone[2 2 hour conversations], and numerous computer talks. Now here is where I get stupid[progress not perfection]. He lives 2 hours away and in the next week, he is coming down this way to pick up his bike that is in the shop, and wants to stop by to say hi... [this is the petty part] I have gained 30 lbs since I last saw him and I did tell him that. He says he doesn't care...DAMMIT..I CARE...but really in my heart I like him...It isn't really all about being fat, I have accepted Keiths dying and death but I still feel emotionally fragile and needy. I don't want to just let this guy go, but I'm not ready yet. He says that's ok, he's not going anywhere and would rather deal with an old headache than start a new one[I think he was kidding]...but when I told him I didn't think next week would be enough time[I told him yesterday], he has not contacted me again...I know I am insecure[one of the things I am working on now], I feel a bit sad and not sure of myself. I really do like this man, he didn't judge Keith when I told him the story and I liked that, his words were"the bad things that happened were not him, it was the addiction"..sound familiar???I like that...Anyway, just writing it down helps...sorry to bore you all and again...thank-you so much for your insights, honesty and caring...Marian

Lovestoomuch

If you just talked to him yesterday........maybe he's just been busy?? Usually if something is bothering me I try to confront it as soon as possible before it drives me insane. Maybe call him............just a thought, but you may be awfulizing something that is no where as awful as you may think right at this moment.

patchoulli

I could very well be doing just that. I won't call him because I really am not ready to see him yet. I'm an idiot. When he said he was in no hurry, I told him not to let me stop him and if he wanted to see people to do so...I don't want to appear needy[although I am and realize it], but I know me and I am special and deserve the best of me that I can be...I'm just not there yet but I will be...thank you

dollydo

The grieving process takes time...my ex-hubby died on Feb 12th, yes, we were divorced, yet had spent 24 years together, so I grieved...probably still am.
I had to work through the guilt (self imposed) of leaving him, I do know I made the right decision, but, still had a bout of second guessing myself.

Take your time, explore every option, and don't sweat the small stuff, he has your number, he will call when he is ready.

My Best,

Dolly

rozied

Hi Marian, I don't know you so let me introduce myself. My name is Diane & my 40 yr old son is the addict in my life.
If you and this man are compatible he will give you the space you need until you are ready to take the next step. I think it was Socratese who said it best " To thine own self be true, then thou can't be false to any man " Have faith in yourself & your feelings.
Love,
Diane

patchoulli

see how right I was. You guys are the best...Whatever happens or doesn't happen, I need to be the best me I can be, and time takes time...thank you

outonalimb

Marian...

I tried dating about a year ago. I wasn't ready. I thought I "should be" ready...after all, I had been divorced for a year...but I just wasn't. There is no magic time line. Now...almost two years later...I'm starting to think that maybe...just maybe...I'm ready to give it a shot.

You'll know when the time is right...Be good to yourself...put YOUR needs first for a while...And I agreed with Rozied completely...if this guy is special and worthy of you, he'll give you all the space and time you need.

Big hugs...

Elana

going thru similar feelings but no guy to muddy it up. I know I am not ready and that is and OK place to be (tho at times I do get lonely).

In the interim I have much to do. I am taking Mom on a trip for the next two weeks and when I get back I am going to get serious about getting a dog. Been thinking about obedience work (formal stuff not the way I have been doing it, tho what I do works). I am planning to get involved in the RR museum again where I sat the board. I am going to save $$ for a trip next year. I have work to do on my house.

IOW tho I get lonely once in awhile, and I think that is normal, I know I am not ready for a relationship. It is good to know this. I get advice here and it helps a lot.

I worry I won't ever be ready but, just like recovery, you cannot force the time table. You don't have to push forward unless time out for now becomes time out forever. I had a 6 year relationship I had planned on turning into forever. Unfrotunately addiction had other ideas. I think 6 months is a little soon for me to be over those 6 years.

so, let time take care of it. Don't sweat it if he doesn't call. If he does, great. If not, it wasn't meant to be right now. Trust you. Trust your HP.

hope213

no rush on anything.take it slow until you decide....

patchoulli

I am an ass. He did get in touch, said if I wanted to talk to call him...I mailed him back, and told him i was glad to hear from him. OK Kris...you are very intuitive...I have never been entirely open in any relationships I have had, I've always been the rock, When Keith was dying, my girls didnt leave my side. My oldest daughter told me later that she was so afraid because she had never seen me cry before. I have always been the caregiver, the strong one and now, I'm taking an extended leave of absence from that position. Its scary because It leaves you vulnerable, but thats what my heart is telling me to do if I want an adult, two sided relationship in my life. I find the more open I am, the more people are open with me, truly heartfelt[hugs and all] and I find myself thanking god every day...I have a lot to be grateful for, especially you guys...

Ann

Patch, just be you and be true to what feels right for you. The rest will follow in good time.

Hugs

teke

i agree with the others, maybe give it some time, if its meant to be, it will be, may its time for you to decide what you want out of life, work toward that goal, keepining you and my prayers

greeteachday

I agree...Being true to ourselves, open and honest lets the real person shine. You are special Patch and you deserve the best. It's okay to give yourself time...don't worry; if it is meant to be, it will be when you are ready. Hugs and prayers.

hopeforever

hugs to you!1
i heard this frase w day ago,, i learned from it alot!!
throw a ball,, and if it comes back to you its yours forever!!
whatsment to be will happen!! God is with u!!

patchoulli

ok...he called me...I wasn't expecting it but I'm glad he did. I feel like a teenager..its so much fun though. He understands about the not being ready in a week to see him...He did say"maybe 2 weeks then"...He also says "he'll work the 30 lbs off of me" leads to some nice fantasies anyway...oh well...thank you everyone

Blackrose2756

I can understand not being ready. I can also understand the weight gain. I met my ex when he was 11 & I was 19. (Long story) When he met me, I was a young, pretty, woman who weighed about 120. When I moved away 8 years later, he still knew a pretty, young, kind, loving, 125 pound woman. 16 years later, he contacted me partly because he knew I was divorced, partly because he remembered me as the only one who ever cared about him. (Including his parents) We began to write & a relationship developed. And he one day asked me to send a picture. As you, I was now 30 pounds heavier along with 16 years older & my beautiful, long hair he'd rememberd was short. Oh....& the kind, loving woman was mean, nasty & cared about nobody. But the thing that scared me the most was letting him know I was 30 pounds heavier. Finally, sent the picture. And he still loved me. We had about 6 FANTASTIC years together before his relapse. Because....he loved the woman I was inside (loving, kind, caring, fun to be with, etc.). Not the woman I was on the outside. Which he always did tell me I had a cute butt.

Please do not let physical features stop you. If there is something there, it has nothing to do with physical appearance.

Lynne