LoveLife

My son is a heroin abuser. He doesn't use all the time, but when he doesn't want to face the future. He was arrested in august when he od'd, was tossed out of the car and was left for dead in Queens. He pled down to disorderly conduct and went into outpatient rehab. He is unemployed and is not in school this semester. He od'd again at home several months later and we called 911 and he went to the hospital. He graduated from rehab last Wednesday, then, Saturday night my oldest son found him unconscious and blue on his bed and we again called 911. Several times he stopped breathing and if I were not there to provide constant stimulation, he would have died. This last episode has pushed me over the edge. He was again arrested for narcotics possession. My husband and I went with our son to St. Jude's Retreat house, a 6-week inpatient facility that hubby and I were very impressed with. Son didn't like it. He wants to go live with his girlfriend in Ithaca and go to an intensive 5-day, 12-week program and attend community college there. Hubby and I were convinced inpatient rehab was his last chance. The counselor of his mandated evaluation today sided with Tristan. I have been crying ever since. I guess I am just grasping at straws, but the memory of sitting on his bed, fighting to keep him alive until the emt's got there, is a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. I am so afraid that if he ever does this again, it will finally kill him. How many chances does a person get???? I read Marteen's message to new parents, and it is great advice. I just so fear for his life, not only his lifestyle. How do I find face-to-face support?

Mamacries

Ann

LoveLife, welcome to SR, where you will find many moms who understand because we have walked in your shoes. My son is an addict also, and I know the pain of watching someone we love destroy themselves.

What helped me, what actually saved my life, was my live meetings and finding a sponsor to guide me through the 12-steps of recovery for codependents. You would be giving yourself a wonderful gift to find a meeting near you and go. Naranon, Alanon and CoDA are very similar and not all are available everywhere, so just find one that seems to fit for you and learn to start living again.

Take a read around, make yourself comfortable and know that you are among friends here. I'm glad you joined us.

Hugs

best

Welcome to SR
I would agree that the place he wants to go is the better choice...not because it is the better place but because it is a place he is accepting of at the moment.
Face to Face support can be found at your local Nar Anon or Al Anon meetings.
Meetings with your pastor if you have one can give some comfort but those who have been there and done that do tend to have a better understanding and give better support...some Pastors do know what is what as well.
NY Nar Anon
http://www.nynaranon.org/meetings.html

Hotline 1-800-984-0066

bookmiser

((((((((LoveLife)))))))))

Hi and welcome to sr. My 25 yo son is the addict in my life.
I'm so sorry for the pain and heartbreak that your son's addiction is
causing you and your family.
Great advice and feedback from Ann and Best.
Learn to let go, let God.
Learn to focus on youself and recovery.
Learn the 3 C's:
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it
Addiction affects everyone in the addict's life.
Take a read around, keep coming back, and keep loving your son...
whatever he decides.
Your among friends.
Sending prayers and support to you, your son, and your family today.

teke

welcome to sr, i'm sorry about your son and i do agree with the others, i'm a recovering addict and it maybe a better idea to consider what he wants to do about his recovery. it may that he will be more willing to stick to a program of recovery if its one of his choice of his own doing.

i'm a parent of 7 so i do understand the hurt and pain that comes when our children choose a path other than we wish for them, but it has to be their choice. i'll keep your son and you in my prayers.

maybe its time, like the others said to take care of you, and allow your son to take care of himself, and i can imagine the horror of what you have gone through with him, but still the choice to use or not use is his. the meetings that were suggested are like savers for those who love the addicts. keeping you and yours in my prayers

marteen

Welcome, Lovelife,

I know how you feel; I've been there. When I finally had to accept the fact that my AD might end up killing herself, literally, that is when I knew I had finally accepted that I have absolutely no control over what she does, where she does it or how she lives her life. All I do know is that I also accepted that I cannot have a front-row seat to it or her behavior.

The hardest thing for a parent to hear is that we must "accept" that which is dangerous, harmful or could even be fatal to our child. That is not something we are conditioned to accept or even realize.

Unfortunately, when addiction rears its ugly head, the addict is so intent on using and cannot think about the consequences; the drugs are in control and everyone else is helpless. All we can do is hope and pray that our addicts discover they have a problem and then want to do something different to try to change it. We can then be there to offer to point the way to help and just be quietly encouraging. I know it is hard but the more you are there to help pick up the pieces, he won't HAVE to try to do anything. If he cannot pick up his own pieces, he never will be able to.

You cannot control the bahavior of your addict; you can only control how much it controls you. Focus on you and your mental health so you don't lose yourself. It's not easy but it is necessary. And you are not alone. There are many of us here with you and we have reached a better place because of our recovery. You can too.

Pull up a chair and join us.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i can feel the hurt & pain in your post.the addict in my life is also my son.i love my son just as much as you do yours but i have worked (& still working on)my recovery & have come to realize there is nothing i can do for him.i am glad you are going to go to f.t.f meetings.keep coming here & work your recovery & let him work his. we can not love them into recovery.we have to let go & let God.the sooner they hit there bottom the better.as long as we cushion it for them they will not hit hard enough to fall.
as sad as it is, it is the truth.sending prayers for you & your son.

sweet stasi

Dear Mama cries, I just signed on today and read your concerns. I myself have a 28 year old son, that in the last 6 month's has become a full blown junkie. I for one understand your pain. What I have a hard time with is he is affraid of needles, so someone else does it while he is turned away. He acts like he is getting a tattoo. When the ink is done, he looks for a new pattern.

notsleepingwell

(((Lovelife)))

Welcome to SR. The addict in my life is my only child. My 29 year old daughter. I just discovered last may that she is a junkie. She was a nurse, and seemed to have things going along wonderfully!!! I am currently raising her 12 year old son.

She is homeless, jobless...(well, unless you call hookin a job), and now childless. She weighs about 90lbs and when I found SR, I was ready to lose my mind. Thanks to the angels on here, I've made it this far!!

We know the heartache you are feeling. Please read the sticky's at the top of the forum. There are also wonderful books to help you deal with things. 2 that are wonderful are .."Co-dependent No More" and "Addict in the Family".

Glad you found us....you toooo Sweet Staci....welcome, welcome. We hold each other up at times, but mainly walk this journey together.

sun daisy

Lovelife- It might be best for him to do the thing for rehab the way he wants to. Sometimes when it is their choice it might work better. A lot of times if we force them, they don't do well. Also he might do better away from his family. Not as much stress from you, there is enough that he puts on himself. And you might enjoy the down time without him there. Go to some meetings. I know that since our son is in a mission halfway home, it is more relaxed here. We still worry about him, but he is there and we are here. We talk to him about every 3 days and he sounds good. Take time for yourself and family. Enjoy life.

pjbs55

((Lovelife)))
I am the mother of a 21 yo heroin addict. I know the pain you feel right now. Please go to Naranon or any other anon meeting. They help so much. If he wants to get help let him get it anyway he wants. It is hard to do, but he might do better since he chose the way he will be treated.
It is the hardest thing a parent has to do is let go of your child, but for your sake you have to. I made my son leave my home, and have not seen him in 1 1/2 years. I miss him more than anything, but it is best for the both of us at this time. He is working his recovery and I am working mine.
Keep coming here, you will find support and love,
Hugs and prayers coming to you

greeteachday

Lovelife, I'm so sorry for your pain. I was there too with my daughter and understand the fear for your child's life. I know I could not have gotten through this past year if it wasn't for SR and face to face Naranon meetings. I would strongly suggest both to you. Sending hugs to you and lots of prayers for you and your family.

HKAngel24

Lovelife-
I am so sorry you are facing the pain of an addict- especially that of your child.
My abf also used heroin and he, too, did not look to the future. Seeks doing the drugs paralyzed both him and his future - but also his fears of life and actual living. If you google Naranon or go to Naranon.org you will be able to look up a list of meetings.
There are not many NA meetings in my area so I am going to try some Al-Anons. Keep us updated. My thoughts are with you.

lil516

welcome to SR
I feel your pain...
I've called 911 and I too have a memory of my son on the bed...blue
a memory that will never go away

I agree that a rehab works when the addict is ready and embraces it
however, I do not agree that the one he "chooses" is the best one for him

my son who is now in recovery has voiced this to us (only after some time in recovery) "my decisions haven't led me to the right place in the past so I'm going to go along with your best decision for now"

your son's decision includes a girlfriend and a free lifestyle...
I may be wrong but I see those as triggers and see it that your son is avoiding dealing with his issues by keeping a comfort zone around him
(you said he doesn't like to face the future...that's what I'm detecting here)

having said this, I know the decision is his...
(my RAS had to ultimately accept the long term program we found...
it was voluntary and they wouldn't take him against his wishes....
he did accept but he also resisted and struggled and thought about leaving etc...
but one day he started to move toward the light and thanks to his HP he is still following the light)

I believe in long term care (I hope one day to be able to get involved in helping all addicts to receive the opportunity)

relapse is such a constant occurrence...it happens to almost every addict...

long term rehab offers a chance to go through different cycles, breaking down triggers (seasonal, emotional social etc...) while under the care of professionals...

there is no promise that this will work in the end
most addicts have years of abuse...it takes long intensive treatment to break free...

sorry this got so long!!
I didn't realize it would!!

in the end, your son needs to choose and work the program
I'd push for in patient and I'd push for as much treatment time as possible

I will keep you and your son in my prayers

LoveLife

Thank you, all of you, for your love and support. I think yesterday was probably my lowest day. Reading all of your responses has given me strength to face another day of whatever may come. I have begun to realize that addiction is a potentially fatal disease over which I ultimately have no conrol. If he dies from this disease, it isn't really his fault, and especially, it isn't really mine. Some of you say to let him make his own choice -he hasn't made a good choice in a long time. He has already done intensive outpatient rehab and as soon as it was over (total time, including weaning about six months) he shot up again. His rehab counselor believes he needs in-patient. We can probably convince him to go that route. But I'm not sure anymore how much I should really push it. Maybe he needs to go to Ithaca, lose the love and respect of his girlfriend, and be homeless. If he goes, maybe I should tell him this time he can't come back if he is using. I don't know where his bottom is. I thought he'd hit it when he was left for dead and arrested. How do some get well, and some die? Just the luck of the draw? Well, if we knew that, we could cure them all! I have been feeling like I need to just keep him alive until we find the next, hopefully successful program. Is it not my job to do that anymore? At some point I know that I need to accept what he is and let go. I have found a local nar-anon meeting and will go on Monday. Thank you again for your love and support and understanding.

Debbie

mooselips

lovelife,
Glad you're feeling a bit better today. This site has a way of making a person feel better, doesn't it?
I am the mom of 2 adult son addicts, it took me a LONG time to back off, and let them make their own choices. And while letting them make their choices, one of my fears is that one, or both of them would die making the wrong choice. It's hard to do, and it takes a long time to actually realize you are powerless.

Hugs to you, I know how hard this is....
My heart hurts for you...