anamaria

Tonite he came home late (8pm instead of 6) and could tell he'd been drinking (a dinner meeting which usually entails several tequilas). He turned on the music as loud as can be and started dancing with the kids. The kids were having fun with him and for a moment I enjoyed watching the 3 of them enjoy eachother...sounds twisted in a way to me b/c he was probably drunk. When I tried to take a picture of the 3 of them dancing, he told them not to look at me and said he was not going to contribute for my entertainment. I told him our son had an ear infection and to turn down the music a little and he told me as usual I was being a b**** and interfering. He walked to the kitchen guzzled from the Bacardi bottle. He was still mad at me from yesterday for being a b****...(I brought up his coke usage from Fri nite).
This is all a joke...I've recieved a lot of advice from this board saying I should go to meetings, find support groups....

My question is why should I waste my time going to meetings...I'm not the one with the problem, HE is, right? I'm up at night losing sleep writing on some board about my husband. I feel like I'm wasting my time.

After I put the kids to bed, he was gone...and of course I'm wondering if he's going for the big one tonite. Will I see him again...b/c he's pissed will he go crazy and overdose.
and another issue.......
I'm wondering WHO he's with. I'm wondering about him and his secretery.

itiswhatitis...

what a jerk...

but you know what the meetings will teach you? - that no matter what he does you need to worry about you - you are worth spending time on - you don't need to spend/waste your time thinking about him - he's not going to change (unless he wants to) no matter how much time you spend thinking about him - those meetings teach you to focus on you and how you are only in control of you - it's hard to grasp sometimes - really grasp i mean...

last nite i was in a beginner's meeting (i have a hard time not sharing, which you can't do in the meetings sometimes) i was worried about my anger - i have to focus on me - focusing on the addict/alcoholic will make you insane...

hope today is better..

love,
s

Jwife22

But see....this is a problem. It shouldn't be like this in a marriage. I didn't think I had a problem either. My husband is my addict, his DOC is xanax. I felt like that if he would just stop using that all of our problems would go away. He stopped using about the same time I dove into MY recovery.

In your earlier post, you asked why he would go from being remorseful and crying about using and now he's just being mean. Honey, he wasn't remorseful and crying about using, he was remoresful and crying because he was caught. Also, addicts tend to change their ways once they realize that the old way isn't working anymore.

I needed to work on me so I wouldn't be up all night worrying. So I wouldn't sit in my chair and wonder if he is out getting high. So I wouldn't snoop and investigate and expend all of MY energy on finding out what HE was doing.

When I first came here I thought all of these people were crazy, suggesting that I get to a meeting and read those books they were talking about because I wasn't the one using drugs. Why should I have to work on anything but when you start your recovery, its not about your addict, its about you. Its about learning to walk away when they get mean and not listening to them berate us. in my recovery, I've learned how to let my husband have the consequences that come along with using instead of being their to cover it up and lie about it to family and friends. I have also learned how to stop playing detective and start living my life and doing things that I enjoy.

Their addictions will consume our lives if we allow it. It will bring us down to our knees even though we aren't using. That's what it took for me to realize that I had a problem too. My problem was codependency. the need to know and to make him stop using was consuming my life. I had to learn to have the respect for him to let him live his life. He is an adult and I shouldn't treat him like a child and control his life.

I did things to protect myself of course. No access to our joint bank account, no bringing drugs into our home, no driving our cars while under the influence, no coming home high etc.

All of this is said out of care for you and what you are going through. For my relationship with my husband, it took me finding me recovery for him to realize that I just wouldn't put up with it and that he was losing it all in order for him to get help. I'm not saying that it would be that way for you, because it hasn't been that way for some of the people on here but even if he hadn't chose recovery, I still would be okay because I knew what to do for myself to make my life okay and didn't depend on his sobriety to make me happy anymore.

Just remember,

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

Its something He has to want and until he reaches to point to where he wants it bad enough, he'll probably keep using.

JMO ((((((((((((((anamaria))))))))))))))))))))))

nogard

((((((((((anamaria))))))))))

BigSis

Jwife posted the same quote I would have.

WE go to meetings because WE are angry, hurt, betrayed... and often find ourselves questioning our life skills and abilities and value.

THAT has nothing to do with him.

Some of us have to leave the relationship and find ourselves tangled with ANOTHER alcoholic or addict or sex addict or gambler or .... some sort of abuser before we realize that PART of the problem lies with us.

For most of us, our picker is broken. (that phrase, a common one in Alanon, just cracks me up!).

You have children with this man, so even if you aren't with him anymore, he will be in your life and theirs for a very long time.

Alanon is free.... I hope you can find time to go to about six meetings (because it is a subtle program, it can take THAT many to start to "get" it).

I wish you well.


(((hugs)))

teke

i agree with all the others, keeping you and yours in my prayers

parentrecovers

hey anamaria, when i question my recovery and alanon, i know i really need to get to a meeting fast..blessings, k

Ann

I remember feeling that way and so angry that my son wouldn't find a program.

I found one anyway, long before he found his. Why? Because I was losing sleep, worrying, wondering where he was and if he had overdosed, trying to control him and make him stop, crying, begging, shouting, pleading, maniplulating and spying...and all this did was make ME crazy.

What a relief to learn that I wasn't crazy, I was codependent.

And you know what? When I went to that meeting I saw a whole bunch of people who had it as bad or worse than I did...and they were at peace, smiling calmly, living their lives well and had a serenity that came from within. I wanted what they had. And I stuck around long enough to learn how to get it and today I am so very very grateful that "I" went to that meeting.

You don't have to go to any meetings you don't want to, you don't have to say a word if you decide to go and just watch. But, for me, I found I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, and it was all free for the asking.

Hugs

HKAngel24

Anamaria:

I think Ann hit it right on the head when she said that you do not have to go to meetings and say anything. I was VERY, VERY reluctant to attend at first, as for whatever reason I felt nervous, scared and uncomfortable. I, too, couldn't understand why this had befallen me, why I had to repair the damages that the addict did to my life. But coming here really taught me that - if I don't no one else will. If I do not make a decision to react differently to what I'm dealing with now- than I will continue to participate in the insanity.

For years and years I have been in therapy and in support groups for my own issues and have waxed lyrical on all the underlying psychological issues I've faced with my own health, but after so long of distrusting my voice and my ability to sort out of my feelings- let alone EXPRESS them verbally- when I decided to speak at a meeting I found myself tounge tied and confused- not sure what truth I was willing to speak, or even acknowledge. What I am trying to get at, is that these meetings can help you organize your feelings about a given situation. The presence of others going through the same thing will help remove you from the situation you are thrust in- if even for just an hour- and hopefully help you gain a new perspective.

sun daisy

Anamaria- I too thought that everything was my fault. When the husband drank it was my fault. Everything I did wasn't right. I thought that I was worthless. Went to my 1st meeting, and cried all the way home. Guess what?? It wasn't my fault that he drank and never was. Learned how to take care of me and family. However have to start back with sons addiction. His Doc is drugs, learning all over again. Just remember that in the meets there was a saying -- take what you need and leave the rest there. Sometimes they are great and other times not. Just being with people with the same problem and all learning how to cope is great. Take care.

Elana

By allowing ourselves to focus on the other person and their illness we waste an awful lot of our own health and our own lives and our own emotions. We lose who we are in the attempt to manage the other person's feelings or disease.

Recovery (which took me 3 years to "get" so I am a slow learner) is about separating ourselves from the addict or alcoholic. Recovery is about learning where we end and they begin and keeping the two separate. Recovery is gaining the peace that knowledge provides. Recovery is recognizing that we have choices in everything from control to thought patterns to behaviors that have become common as a result of living with an addict or alcoholic.

Recovery starts the day we realize our lives have become unmanageable....

Best wishes Anamaria. I was once where you are now. The choice is yours to walk over the bridge.

hope213

anamaria, i am sorry you are having such a hard time. i know how u feel & i care,just like all these other people on this board.your problem is not drugs but you do have a problem...him ( addiction). it is sad so many of them are in this world & we can not do any thing about it or them. this board & meetings is all about you. we r here to hold your hand & help you thru the hard times. you can not change him but you can change yourself & make things better for you & your children if you choose to live with him.i will say a prayer for all of your family. hugs, hope