Today I feel fear
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Today I feel fear
My rabf (i hope....) has been treating me well the past week or so.
Almost too quickly I feel myself falling back into expecting him to behave a certain way towards me and reacting like a crazed and clingy loon.
Trying to practice detachment and take it one day at a time and not accept the tight feeling in the pit of my stomach that sends me into an anxious panic when I think about him "reverting to his old ways" --
I told him that I need consistency and that only time will tell or build trust. But I still feel myself latching on and then becoming unglued when he does not meet up to what I need or want at a given moment.
Today I am just trying to work on not spiraling off in my head in fear that he will relapse. I will practice accepting that I cannot keep him afloat no matter how hard I try. Seems now that I am aware of how few choices I make with myself in mind, the more difficult it is to actually be assertive and ask for what I need, let alone be aware of it.
Almost too quickly I feel myself falling back into expecting him to behave a certain way towards me and reacting like a crazed and clingy loon.
Trying to practice detachment and take it one day at a time and not accept the tight feeling in the pit of my stomach that sends me into an anxious panic when I think about him "reverting to his old ways" --
I told him that I need consistency and that only time will tell or build trust. But I still feel myself latching on and then becoming unglued when he does not meet up to what I need or want at a given moment.
Today I am just trying to work on not spiraling off in my head in fear that he will relapse. I will practice accepting that I cannot keep him afloat no matter how hard I try. Seems now that I am aware of how few choices I make with myself in mind, the more difficult it is to actually be assertive and ask for what I need, let alone be aware of it.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
As I went to open this thread I got an email pop up from my boss, this is what it said
Positive thought for the day:
Fear is an illusion - Michael Jordan
What do you get when you cross the godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand
Angel,Try to relax, thin less and take care of you, In this moment, theres nothing else more important
Positive thought for the day:
Fear is an illusion - Michael Jordan
What do you get when you cross the godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand
Angel,Try to relax, thin less and take care of you, In this moment, theres nothing else more important
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hk, you are recognizing whats going on with you and thats a good thing you know now what to be aware of and how to work on that change. its hard to do and i don't know how anyone can get it all at once. it took me about 19 yrs to get to where you are, it takes time and a lot of conscience effort and seems like you are so willing. i've got a feeling that you are gonna be just fine. one step at a time, one day at a time, you'll get there, so try to continue to keep the focus on you. don't know if you've gone to any meeting yet, or did i miss something. still praying for the both of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
Heather...
I have been following your posts... and let me tell you that reading them brings back all of those panic and anxious feelings I had felt in the beginning...(going on four years now...and you know what? to be perfectly honest, I still get those feelings from time to time..although they are now further and further apart.)
A little back ground on me... my addict is my husband. DOC...started with oxycontin, then heroin, then this last year crack. He's been to jail twice, detoxed there once and spent a total of 25 days, placed on a drug court program, the second visit...because he had taken an antibiotic that gives a false positive for opiates and since he emphatically denied using any substances, the drug court judge ordered him to jail until further test results came back...ended up spending 14 days.
After all the years of lies, broken promises, trust is a very difficult thing to earn back. It is going to take more than a good week of treatment from him, more than supposedly being in recovery ( I say this because after the first time in jail, he swore he was going to meetings three times a week, only to find out otherwise)...Recovery has to be worked...as hard as they worked at getting their drugs if not harder...
You cannot expect normalcy from an addict, and certainly not a newly recovering one... The addict tendencies are still there, and to some degree will always be present...
You are noticing your own behaviors and reactions to things he does... THIS IS PROGRESS. You may not feel that you are moving in a positive direction, but it is coming across in your posts now.
The most important thing to remember is...PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION.
Take it easy...do something just for you. You are worth it.
I have been following your posts... and let me tell you that reading them brings back all of those panic and anxious feelings I had felt in the beginning...(going on four years now...and you know what? to be perfectly honest, I still get those feelings from time to time..although they are now further and further apart.)
A little back ground on me... my addict is my husband. DOC...started with oxycontin, then heroin, then this last year crack. He's been to jail twice, detoxed there once and spent a total of 25 days, placed on a drug court program, the second visit...because he had taken an antibiotic that gives a false positive for opiates and since he emphatically denied using any substances, the drug court judge ordered him to jail until further test results came back...ended up spending 14 days.
After all the years of lies, broken promises, trust is a very difficult thing to earn back. It is going to take more than a good week of treatment from him, more than supposedly being in recovery ( I say this because after the first time in jail, he swore he was going to meetings three times a week, only to find out otherwise)...Recovery has to be worked...as hard as they worked at getting their drugs if not harder...
You cannot expect normalcy from an addict, and certainly not a newly recovering one... The addict tendencies are still there, and to some degree will always be present...
You are noticing your own behaviors and reactions to things he does... THIS IS PROGRESS. You may not feel that you are moving in a positive direction, but it is coming across in your posts now.
The most important thing to remember is...PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION.
Take it easy...do something just for you. You are worth it.
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