Trust in People
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: somewhere nj
Posts: 23
Trust in People
I am now divorced from my AH & now dealing with trust in a new relationship.
I always trusted people who I loved/loved me to tell the truth & addicts really strip away that feeling of security. How do you ever get that back?? That feeling of total trust for another human being who says they love you. Maybe I am just trying to rush the situation & just have to sit back & observe actions, maybe just get to another meeting or read. Just writing this makes me feel good, because I am admitting that I can not control other people, only myself & my feelings.
Any advice would be so helpful in how you have dealt with feelings of getting over the past lies & moved towards a more trusting existence. I know I am the happiest I have ever felt today, yet intiution tells me trust is a real issue for me.
Thanks for letting me share to release some of feelings of frustration not trusting the new man in my life where there are no good reasons to not trust him-He is a wonderful, patient, loving man.
Sandi
I always trusted people who I loved/loved me to tell the truth & addicts really strip away that feeling of security. How do you ever get that back?? That feeling of total trust for another human being who says they love you. Maybe I am just trying to rush the situation & just have to sit back & observe actions, maybe just get to another meeting or read. Just writing this makes me feel good, because I am admitting that I can not control other people, only myself & my feelings.
Any advice would be so helpful in how you have dealt with feelings of getting over the past lies & moved towards a more trusting existence. I know I am the happiest I have ever felt today, yet intiution tells me trust is a real issue for me.
Thanks for letting me share to release some of feelings of frustration not trusting the new man in my life where there are no good reasons to not trust him-He is a wonderful, patient, loving man.
Sandi
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: PHILADELPHIA, PA
Posts: 155
Good Morning Everyone , I really have a serious problem dealing with a trust issue that I am going through, it concerns my fiance , I officially proposed to her 3 months ago but we have been together for about 3.5 years . She has always held on to me during these years , me AND my addiction , she had believed for a while that I was only an alcoholic and I just recently told her that I was using cocaine and her whole personality changed , she is very distant and she seems uncaring and emotionless in regards to me , I have just started NA and I am very confident that the daily meetings are what I was missing and have remained sober ever since I first attended , well three days ago we had a discussion where I had suggested that I leave ,to relieve her of all the pain that I had caused , and also so I could seek help . She became explosively arguementative and nasty , and she threatened to destroy my computer . That night I left the house and used . When I returned sober and apologetic she said that she only got angry because I said that I was leaving and that I was her whole life , I haven't used since then and join NA . Here's my thing (finally ) I hadn't recieved my 2006 Tax return yet, the IRS pulled my refund to verify my income and withholdings because the amount of the refund is multiple thousands. It has been approved for disbursment and I should be recieving it soon , she keeps asking questions about it , and my question is could she be just accepting me because she wants to control my money using my addiction as an excuse ? Did she only tolerate me just long enough to empty my accounts and THEN throw me out ? Am I trippin ? Why is it that I don't feellike I can trust her .Forgive me "DistressedWife " I read your note on trust and went crazy with my own thing , I have not learned to post a new thread yet.I am trully sorry . but if anyone reads this please help me ? JEI
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
I don't really know the exact answer, but anyone who has an unhealthy interest in money that is not theirs needs to be observed carefully. Unfortunately I think that somehow she has justified in her mind that she deserves part of your $$.
Beware.
Beware.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: somewhere nj
Posts: 23
JEI,
I really can't believe she has stayed with you for over 3 years just for this income tax money. I think she is totally scared & freaked out about the addiction. She definitely can use a meeting & start talking to people about what she is feeling. My guess is trust & scared about the unknown of dealing with a loved one with an addiction. You are in recovery, but right now it sounds kind of shaky for you-when she upset you, you used. I know trust because of the lies was more than I could handle at the time. It may be a really great idea for the 2 of you to start sharing, really deep sharing about how you each feel about each other & what each of you are scared about.
It may be something so simple as she is afraid that if you have access to that much money, you may blow it or use again. Who knows?? That's why communication is really important. Why set yourself up for a resentment when she may have a simple answer. Good luck.
My prayers go out to you.
I really can't believe she has stayed with you for over 3 years just for this income tax money. I think she is totally scared & freaked out about the addiction. She definitely can use a meeting & start talking to people about what she is feeling. My guess is trust & scared about the unknown of dealing with a loved one with an addiction. You are in recovery, but right now it sounds kind of shaky for you-when she upset you, you used. I know trust because of the lies was more than I could handle at the time. It may be a really great idea for the 2 of you to start sharing, really deep sharing about how you each feel about each other & what each of you are scared about.
It may be something so simple as she is afraid that if you have access to that much money, you may blow it or use again. Who knows?? That's why communication is really important. Why set yourself up for a resentment when she may have a simple answer. Good luck.
My prayers go out to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 168
Distressed Wife: I think trust is something that is built up and earned. I think it will take some time to build trust in a new relationship especially after just ending a very stressful and manipulative relationship with an addict. I think you need to give yourself a chance, be patient and don't rush things.
After we have lived with addiction it is hard to ignore the warning signs (lying etc.). Trust your gut instict and find your way, if you feel something just isn't right, address it with him or move on. Until then, enjoy your new found freedom and take care of YOU! : )
After we have lived with addiction it is hard to ignore the warning signs (lying etc.). Trust your gut instict and find your way, if you feel something just isn't right, address it with him or move on. Until then, enjoy your new found freedom and take care of YOU! : )
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MAINE
Posts: 2
Trust
Hi Sandi
I can relate, I grew up not trusting & when I did trust some one they always seemed to break that trust. Trust came hard to me. I started out by giving some one a little piece and then waited to see what they did with it. I've learned to trust a little @ a time.
I can relate, I grew up not trusting & when I did trust some one they always seemed to break that trust. Trust came hard to me. I started out by giving some one a little piece and then waited to see what they did with it. I've learned to trust a little @ a time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
Posts: 168
JEI- I agree with distressed wife. I think your finance is just scared about your addiction and worrying that you may use again with all of that money coming your way. I also agree that you need to talk your feelings out with her and seek additonal treatment for your addiction. there are some wonderful intensive outpatient programs as well as impatient facilities that can really help. Good luck to you in your recovery.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Trust is very fragile. Mine was blown out of the water with a 6 inch shell by this last guy.
I think that I have learned that trust in yourself has to come first (I am working on this) and trust in another comes after that and needs to be reasonable, not blind and not faith.
I thought trust had to be 100% complete. I have learned it does not have to be. Trust needs to be balanced with common sense. Trust has to be earned. Trust is granted to others at different levels. Trust in God is 100%. Trust in yourself is not quite that high as you need to temper it with sensible responses and self evaluation.
Trust in others is at a lower level yet, filled with the recognition that anything may happen regardless of the trust you have placed in another person. You may misinterpret their actions and they may misinterpret your actions.
I think it is never a bad thing to be able to step back a little and be objective to make sure your trust has been placed wisely.
My $0.02 which you can disregard if you disagree.
I think that I have learned that trust in yourself has to come first (I am working on this) and trust in another comes after that and needs to be reasonable, not blind and not faith.
I thought trust had to be 100% complete. I have learned it does not have to be. Trust needs to be balanced with common sense. Trust has to be earned. Trust is granted to others at different levels. Trust in God is 100%. Trust in yourself is not quite that high as you need to temper it with sensible responses and self evaluation.
Trust in others is at a lower level yet, filled with the recognition that anything may happen regardless of the trust you have placed in another person. You may misinterpret their actions and they may misinterpret your actions.
I think it is never a bad thing to be able to step back a little and be objective to make sure your trust has been placed wisely.
My $0.02 which you can disregard if you disagree.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi jei, welcome, glad to meet you
my husband and i are both recovering addicts, and i agree with some of the others. i understand how you and your fiance feels, i have trust issues too and so does my husband. i think that your girlfriend may be looking at the money coming in thinking more so about how it will affect you and your decision to recover. money was always been a trigger for me and for my husband. i think that maybe your addiction has already hurt her in more ways than you can imagine.
you've already admitted to lieing to her, and i'm sure that she has trust issues too, after 3yrs of your behavior. it may be possible that she thinks that the real reason that you talked about leaving is because you have money coming and is planning to blow it all. maybe its not about the money, its about you. i doubt very seriously, she would suffer staying with you through your addictive behavior for that long just for a few thousands dollars, its just not worth it, besides, since you say that she has been there for you, don't you want to share that part of yourself with her?
when my husband had that kind of money coming in, i honesty worried about him killing himself with drugs and alcohol and wanted it all, cause i didn't want him to die. no matter what he said about recovery, at that point, his prior actions told me that i could not believe anything he said. you said it yourself, she gets upset and you use. sorry but life is full of disappointments and people getting upset.
since you say that she is gonna marry you, knowing that you suffer with addiction and can relapse at anytime, i think that it would be good that you stick around and continue to focus more on your recovery and not so much on the income tax money.maybe you can introduce her to alanon or naranon or even to sr. maybe she can learn to allow you and her the chance to rebuild you guys trust and maybe she can help you not blow the money, just in case you find yourself weak to the urge to use. don't mean to be negative, but like i said, i'm an addict and i know what money can do in the hands of an addict. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
sorry disstressed, didn't mean to hyjack your thread.
trust is totally one of my biggest issues these days, but i find that the more i focus on me and how i choose to live my life, i discover what i will/will not live with or except in my life. day by day, i'm learning how to forgive my past and those who hurt me, i'm learning how to move past my fears, i'm learning how to be a healtier me. in my opinion, actions speak louder than words, keep the focus on you, and time will tell you when to do what. keeping you and yours in my prayers
my husband and i are both recovering addicts, and i agree with some of the others. i understand how you and your fiance feels, i have trust issues too and so does my husband. i think that your girlfriend may be looking at the money coming in thinking more so about how it will affect you and your decision to recover. money was always been a trigger for me and for my husband. i think that maybe your addiction has already hurt her in more ways than you can imagine.
you've already admitted to lieing to her, and i'm sure that she has trust issues too, after 3yrs of your behavior. it may be possible that she thinks that the real reason that you talked about leaving is because you have money coming and is planning to blow it all. maybe its not about the money, its about you. i doubt very seriously, she would suffer staying with you through your addictive behavior for that long just for a few thousands dollars, its just not worth it, besides, since you say that she has been there for you, don't you want to share that part of yourself with her?
when my husband had that kind of money coming in, i honesty worried about him killing himself with drugs and alcohol and wanted it all, cause i didn't want him to die. no matter what he said about recovery, at that point, his prior actions told me that i could not believe anything he said. you said it yourself, she gets upset and you use. sorry but life is full of disappointments and people getting upset.
since you say that she is gonna marry you, knowing that you suffer with addiction and can relapse at anytime, i think that it would be good that you stick around and continue to focus more on your recovery and not so much on the income tax money.maybe you can introduce her to alanon or naranon or even to sr. maybe she can learn to allow you and her the chance to rebuild you guys trust and maybe she can help you not blow the money, just in case you find yourself weak to the urge to use. don't mean to be negative, but like i said, i'm an addict and i know what money can do in the hands of an addict. keeping you and yours in my prayers.
sorry disstressed, didn't mean to hyjack your thread.
trust is totally one of my biggest issues these days, but i find that the more i focus on me and how i choose to live my life, i discover what i will/will not live with or except in my life. day by day, i'm learning how to forgive my past and those who hurt me, i'm learning how to move past my fears, i'm learning how to be a healtier me. in my opinion, actions speak louder than words, keep the focus on you, and time will tell you when to do what. keeping you and yours in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Wife,
Trust takes a lot of time, patience, and tenderness. Mostly time. Coming from a relationship with addiction, infidelity, lies, manipulation and worse, it took me years to really have any semblance of trust.
Even now, seven years later, there are still times when I worry that I'm being lied to. But they get less and less and less frequent if your relationship is strong and free of deception.
And if your relationship is NOT free of deception, then don't ever count on there being trust. If trust is important to you, get out and find another that has what you need. Harsh but true....many relationships are fraught with all kinds of little white lies and not-so-little white lies so that people can do whatever they want and not suffer any consequences. That's not acceptable to me, given my history, so I had to find one where none of that happens.
Trust can't be forced, any more than you can force nature to do what you want it to do....we can only be patient and like Elana says, choose wisely.
You've heard that express "trust in god, but keep your powder dry" ? When you love yourself, and have built your self-esteem to where another's (possibly dishonest) actions don't matter, then trust becomes something that's not so life-and-death. Me, I insist upon it. But if I were to find out something awful about my relationship, I know I could pick up, walk away, and build a happy life somewhere else.
Love,
GL
Trust takes a lot of time, patience, and tenderness. Mostly time. Coming from a relationship with addiction, infidelity, lies, manipulation and worse, it took me years to really have any semblance of trust.
Even now, seven years later, there are still times when I worry that I'm being lied to. But they get less and less and less frequent if your relationship is strong and free of deception.
And if your relationship is NOT free of deception, then don't ever count on there being trust. If trust is important to you, get out and find another that has what you need. Harsh but true....many relationships are fraught with all kinds of little white lies and not-so-little white lies so that people can do whatever they want and not suffer any consequences. That's not acceptable to me, given my history, so I had to find one where none of that happens.
Trust can't be forced, any more than you can force nature to do what you want it to do....we can only be patient and like Elana says, choose wisely.
You've heard that express "trust in god, but keep your powder dry" ? When you love yourself, and have built your self-esteem to where another's (possibly dishonest) actions don't matter, then trust becomes something that's not so life-and-death. Me, I insist upon it. But if I were to find out something awful about my relationship, I know I could pick up, walk away, and build a happy life somewhere else.
Love,
GL
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