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what do you think of this scenario...your thoughts please

Old 03-11-2007, 09:54 PM
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what do you think of this scenario...your thoughts please

Friends,

Recently my son (he is in a six month boot camp treatment program) picked up a 90 day chip. I went to see him and had not seen him for the 90 days aformentioned. He is six hours from my home so it is a long way for me......anyway he had gained weight and looks very much better than when I saw him last. I had called the police to locate him. He had gone on a four day binge and had truly almost died. He was taken to the emergency room and then sent (after much medical work up etc.) to the psychiatric floor for over a week. Anyway, he then agreed to go to this six month facility. So when this recent visit happened he never really mentioned any of the things he had done and I know a great deal. So my question is twofold.......do you ,as a parent, ever bring up things that happened in the past? He says the counselors tell him not to dwell in the past and I wonder if that is a cop out. Any thoughts? Now after 120 days he says he has made it to Step 6 but he can't complete the others until he is out. Sounds strange to me. Lastly, the counselor says that it would be a mistake for him to come back to our hometown (but he plans to) because he(so the counselor says) knows every "rabbit hutch" around town but I guess that is my son's choice not mine. And how big of a milestone is it to be 180 days clean in a controlled environment so to speak? All of this is new to me and I don't want to read to much or too little into things. Finally, someone has emailed me and when I clicked on the private message it took me to some strange site. Is that normal for this board? I am pretty straight forward but now am afraid to click onto any private messages. HAve you ever had this experience? Should I tell the moderator? I am here just for friendship and advice during a very scary time in my life......nothing more.....my thanks.....dixie
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Old 03-11-2007, 10:15 PM
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Maybe try talking to a counselor yourself? Ask them if it is okay to bring up the past. I personally don't find a problem with it, if it is discussed once and then never brought up again. For me talking is heeling. It sounds like you have things you need to say to him. Agreed, there are drugs everywhere, and running is never an answer. I would think depending on the person and family and friend situation, that being around a loving support team would be more benificial than going it alone. Just a quick thought. Good luck to you and take care.
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Old 03-11-2007, 10:23 PM
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Hi Dixie,
call me the naranon poster girl, the literature suggests to "don't nag, argue, lecture or recall past mistakes". I think this is good advise, but I have to say not easy to follow.

I think 6 months clean is a wonderful milestone, no matter how he got there. Hopefully it has given his mind time to clear.

We have tried having my daughter move away, and also come home. Both times, ended back out there. So, I have no answer to that. The one advise I did not heed, was to have her move back home. It turned out to be a disaster. There is no right or wrong way, and they will be ready in their own time.
Big hug,
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Old 03-11-2007, 10:29 PM
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Dear DixieD,

Originally Posted by dixied View Post
He says the counselors tell him not to dwell in the past and I wonder if that is a cop out. Any thoughts?
Step 8. states:

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9. states:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Your son says that he is on Step 6 so he has not yet made a list.

A wise woman by the name of Ann on this board said "Keep your hands off the Addict, Keep your hands off of their recovery". ( Ann, I hope I remembered it properly )

Anyway, I must say that to myself 20 times a day. I slip sometimes and ask him some stupid codependent question, like, "Are you going to a meeting today?" As soon as I say it, I know I have slipped. The only difference is, now I know it.

Another important thing I have learned from this board that has made a huge difference in my serenity is to trust that my RABF has a Higher Power that is very aware and involved with my RABF life's journey and that his Higher Power will take care of him.

Good Luck and please Keep Coming Back!

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Old 03-11-2007, 10:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Lithloren View Post
my RABF has a Higher Power that is very aware and involved with my RABF life's journey and that his Higher Power will take care of him.
P.S. at the end of that I should have added "without any help from me".

Lithloren
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Old 03-11-2007, 10:58 PM
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thanks to all of you for your kindness. there are so many things I am wary of. I want to do the right thing so I am definitely going to read the stickies for encouragement and knowledge. It just seems to me there aren't many success stories out there and I continue to get scared......not only for me but for my family as well. By his actions in the past he has put our whole family in harms way and I can hardly believe what we have all been through and when I think of how I blindly trusted him I feel so foolish. But I am going to keep coming back to the board......however that old adage once fooled shame on you.......you know? It is so hard to be hopeful and to trust...........dixie
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Old 03-12-2007, 12:17 AM
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Recently my son (he is in a six month boot camp treatment program) picked up a 90 day chip. I went to see him and had not seen him for the 90 days aformentioned. He is six hours from my home so it is a long way for me......anyway he had gained weight and looks very much better than when I saw him last.
Dixie,

My AS is 60 days sober and looks so much better now too.

There are sucess stories out there, but sadly, and statistically, the recovery rate for those in these circumstances seem to be very low. We can only hope that our loved ones are in the sucessful group, support each other as we make this journey and turn that responsibility over to our higher power.

I do not mean to sound preachy at all, I am walking this walk with all of you, and am so grateful for all of your honest posts, concerns, and encouragement. I know that while my AS is doing well today, it is truly one day at a time. Even he tells me that while he is happy and sustained today, he is only seconds away from a relapse.

I hope your son is well and continues to be so. We all want that for those we love.
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Old 03-12-2007, 12:30 AM
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thank you for the kindness and I needed to read that tonight. so much to be thankful for......that he went willingly, that he has done everything possible to obey the rules and make the best of what is offered to him (a chance for recovery) it is just that I am very scared for him........that maybe he might not be strong enough when he gets out.......he lost a very good job....he does not have one waiting for him..... he lost his license to drive......things like that worry me and I do not address these things with him........I am definitely going to a meeting tomorrow and in the meantime I continue to thank all of you for your kindness to me......it has reall been appreciated.......dixie
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Old 03-12-2007, 12:57 AM
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I think when I was so focused on my daughter's recovery, and whether she was doing all the right things... I was not focused on me or my recovery or whether I was doing all the right things.

Someone told me my daughter's recovery is none of my business... and as long as I don't involve myself in the details of her life... not by rescuing or helping, or enabling or saving her... then it is easier to stand away from the chaos and allow her the dignity to fail... and to learn from those failures.

Do I waffle on this? Oh yeah, baby. Especially when they get REAL bad, as your son did. Our generalities about recovery do not cover all the specific details, and stepping in to do for them what they CANNOT do for themselves is sometimes difficult to figure out.

But when it is something they CAN do for themselves... including making decisions on how to work their recovery... then I need to back off.

Alanon and Naranon and CODA are all wonderful groups. I use Alanon to help me keep my focus on the right things and my Alanon friends are supportive and experienced in dealing with addiction.

(((dixied)))
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Old 03-12-2007, 05:45 AM
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welcome to sr, glad you found us, but hate the circumstance.
i am a recovering addict and so is my husband, i have 5 yrs clean and my rah has 3mos. not that it matters, just to say that recovery is possible, it depends solely on the addict and whether or not he/she wants to stay clean bad enough to work hard at keeping his/her sobriety

when i got out of rehab, i had to come home to the worst neighborhood possible for a newly recovering addict, but i WANTED to stay clean, it was hard but i WANTED sobriety. i was able to move to a better place eventually but drugs are everywhere and no matter where you locate to, an addict can find the drugs when they can't find the closest store.

as far as dwelling on the past, yes it is suggested, but somewhere down the line, your son will probable want to address the past and move on. i think that it is a good idea that you check out alanon or naranon meetings. time for you to take the focus off your son and whether or not he stays clean. you sound like you have already done all you know to do to help him, time now for him to help himself, and for you to do the same. keeping your and your family in my prayers
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Old 03-12-2007, 06:02 AM
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oh ,thank you teke for the post. Just the good thoughts get me started on the right foot this a.m. Everything you said is true and deep down I know this but really it is like a bad dream and just taking it all in is really overwhelming but I am trying to focus on the rest of my family. It is that a great sadness for this child(my son) comes over me and I think of how differently things could have been. Perhaps they can indeed be different if he wants it badly enough. I can only hold him close in my heart and pray that God will continue to keep him in His care. Again, thank you for your kindness and suggestions. dixie
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Old 03-12-2007, 06:19 AM
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((dixied))

When he gets out, if he continues his recovery, he will proceed to the next steps. When he is ready, and can handle it, he will talk about all those things. He will make his amends. I don't think it's a cop out, I think it's a matter of him having to be in a place of his own recovery that he can handle the guilt and shame and fear and all the emotions associated with what happened. It has to come from him and his heart without outside pressure. That way he owns it. It can be something that he brought himself to do. It can be something that may even give him back a little bit of pride in himself for having done it.

I also understand that need or desire to know. If he's going to be living with you, I think you need to know certain things. Especially if you or your family are at any risk or danger, beyond that, my opinion would be hands off the addics recovery.

I think this recovery he is experiencing is great, even if it doesn't last (praying that it does) he's gotten some tools, he's gotten a taste of what a sober existance can feel like, it will be in the back of his head no matter what happens.

Lastly, one day at a time. For him and for you. If we spend too much time in the past or too much time trying to figure out the future, we loose today. Today is important, today is the day that matters.

All said with love and compashion. Just my opinion, take anything you can use and leave the rest.

Hugs and Prayers
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Old 03-12-2007, 08:17 AM
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thanks so much "B" for the kind words. He will complete six months in the program on April 23. No, he will not live with my family as the trust is still not there and although I commend him for this big step I cannot let him come in my home. He is married and his wife is considering letting him come home "if" and only "if" an aftercare program is in place with which I certainly agree. So there are still issues but as you say........one day at a time.......thank you again for your kindness.......dixie
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Old 03-12-2007, 11:53 AM
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(((((dixied)))))

Continuing prayers for strength and sobriety for your son.
Congratulations on the 6 months. Woo Hoo!

Big hugs and lots of prayers for you, sweetie. I know it's hard,
but have to agree with the others here.
Focus on you, and let HP take care of him.
Linda
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Old 03-12-2007, 05:48 PM
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glad he is in rehab & to me iit seems as if he is doing good.i do not know exactly what they do about the steps but as far as coming back home to live i think the best thing an addict can do is move away.that is only my opinion.it is about people,places & things & in their home town running in to old friends(using) i think it is harder to stay clean.keep posting & let us know how u & your son both are doing.
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Old 03-12-2007, 07:00 PM
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Finally, someone has emailed me and when I clicked on the private message it took me to some strange site. Is that normal for this board? I am pretty straight forward but now am afraid to click onto any private messages. HAve you ever had this experience? Should I tell the moderator?
Yes. I am a moderator here and if you still have it I'd appreciate it if you would forward it to me. Or at least tell me who the sender was and what the link was. We are fighting hard to keep spammers out but once in a while they sneak in and get some messages off before we can nab them. We can see their posts but have no way of knowing who or what they send by PM.

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Old 03-12-2007, 07:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Lithloren View Post
A wise woman by the name of Ann on this board said "Keep your hands off the Addict, Keep your hands off of their recovery". ( Ann, I hope I remembered it properly )

Anyway, I must say that to myself 20 times a day. I slip sometimes and ask him some stupid codependent question, like, "Are you going to a meeting today?" As soon as I say it, I know I have slipped. The only difference is, now I know it.
And I pass credit for that saying to the orignal moderator of this forum, a very wise and wonderful lady named Ogly who made me laugh, and who kept me in my recovery even if she had to whack me with the skillet (she was also the original "keeper of the skillet") :

"Hands off the addict, hands off their recovery" has become a slogan here. And something she told me 5418 times..."Stop second guessing tomorrow, it won't change the outcome."

I am happy to have passed the message on, it's what this program is all about.
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Old 03-14-2007, 02:17 PM
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Dear Ann,

Originally Posted by Ann View Post
And I pass credit for that saying to the orignal moderator of this forum, a very wise and wonderful lady named Ogly who made me laugh, and who kept me in my recovery even if she had to whack me with the skillet (she was also the original "keeper of the skillet") :

"Hands off the addict, hands off their recovery" has become a slogan here. And something she told me 5418 times..."Stop second guessing tomorrow, it won't change the outcome."

I am happy to have passed the message on, it's what this program is all about.
Thanks to you and Ogly for passing the "Hands Off" slogan. It really has been a real Serenity Saver!

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