LaTeeDa

Show him? And what do you hope that will accomplish? That he will all of a sudden "see the light" and stop drinking? This is not what I was getting at, at all.

When I said you need to change, I did not mean change for him. I meant change for you. Stop making it all about him. Whether your marriage can be saved or not doesn't have to be decided right now. I let go of my husband because I had to save my own life. He eventually turned his around as well. Whether yours does or not is not dependent on anything you do or don't do. It's all on him. It's out of your hands.

Have you read "Codependent No More" yet?

L

Cynay

Well on a positive note:

Congrads on reaching out for help, being open to suggestions and taking a step in the right direction in trying to set boundries...

The more you go to meetings, read and get educated the easier it will be to see the behavior changes. When I was first starting there were alot of controling tatics I used, and to be honest I did not even know they were a way to control the situation... When your around healthy (or healthier) and listen to the advise/views it will start to make sense.

lostnotfound

It just came in the mail today, so no, I haven't had the chance yet. Obviously I don't get it and I'm not approaching any of this the right way. I've only been introduced to these concepts a week or so ago, so I am struggling to understand. I know most of you have been at this a lot longer than me, so please be patient with me.

It seems as if what everyone is saying is that there is no way to work on a marriage while practicing the principles of Al Anon. If that's the case then so be it. But how do people stay married in these situations? Do they just exist together under the same roof, with no real marriage?

Jazzman

LNF it does take time for all this to sink in. Everyone here at one point had to accept that the answers don't come in a few weeks or even months.

pmaslan

No one expects you to get it over night.
You ask a lot of questions and I think folks try to answer
them from their own experiences. All I keep hearing from you
really, is how you can help him, how can you save your marriage.
Until you take the focus off of him and put it on you, I don't
see a snowballs chance in hell for anything working out.

LaTeeDa

When I first started counseling, that was my focus, too. How to save my marriage. What I learned was that had to be a lower priority. As I said in my previous post, you don't have to decide what to do about your marriage right now. I had to learn to make myself the number one priority (and my children). The marriage will either work out or it won't, but either way, you still have to live with yourself.

I know it is not easy. Simple, yes. Easy, no. Once I started to put myself first, all the other stuff sort of fell into place.

L

MsPINKAcres

Yes, you can work on a marriage while practicing the principles of Al-Anon -
You are getting a lot of information right now -
You may feel a little overwhelmed at first - not everything will change over night - One day at a time - one step at time, one change at a time.
Everything in your marriage didn't get "broken" over night and it won't get "fixed" over night -
Take a deep breath - Relax - Al-Anon actually helped me save my marriage - The steps, traditions and slogans helped me learn to take care of me. Which was the best thing for everyone. It also helped me develop a relationship with my Higher Power.
That gave me the self-confidence I needed to know that no matter what - my Higher Power & I will be ok.
Just for Today, I choose to be married - I take my marriage, my recovery, my life - One Day at a Time
Give yourself the time to understand recovery, the time to heal and understand your options, to develop your relationship with your Higher Power, and to decide whatever will be best for you -
No matter what you will be OK

Progress Not Perfection,
Rita

denny57

I think it would be more accurate to say it's impossible to work on the marriage until some things change. And the only thing you can change right now is you. Sometimes when you change you effect change in others. An example would be that if you put boundaries in place and decide what you will or will not accept, your husband can then decide what he wants for him.

In other words, the focus right now should not be the marriage, but yourself.

I will say I know many people in Al-Anon (and not) who stay with their alcoholic spouse. So it is possible.

Something I had to learn to understand was that no matter how much I tried to do to "work on the marriage" my AH just wanted to be left alone to drink the way he wanted. I finally realized there was nothing I could do, or nothing I could change into, that would make him stop. He has to choose that for himself.

Hang in there. It does get less confusing.

lostnotfound

I need to take a step back and try to focus back on me. It's very difficult because it doesn't feel natural to me. I want to take this slowly, and not be concerned with my marriage right now, but AH doesn't want to give me the room to do that. I know... I have no control over that. I need to stop trying to make him understand what I am doing and why. If he chooses to end our marriage then I have no control over that.

pmaslan

Very good.....sounds like you are getting it!!!!

ASpouse

ditto what Patty said! I think you're getting it.

Jazzman

Ah HA, you'll get a lot out of that book you just got today

Only natural, he senses you changing the "rules of the dance". He'll get over it, just focus on yourself.

lostnotfound

Thanks Jazz. I hope to start reading it tonight.

prodigal

I totally agree with pmaslan. Just sit down and read "Codependent No More." Beattie writes in clear-cut, simple declarative sentences. Then read "Beyond Codependence." I started reading Beattie's books in 1996 and kept saying "Aha, there's the description of my AH!!" The point was, I could not get my focus off the addict in my life even when I was reading a book about how to do so!!

I had to want it bad enough, hit bottom, and practically go nuts before I began to learn how to detach. I STILL have episodes where I take things way too personally, my feelings are hurt too easily, or I want to control the addict in my life. Then I have to take my own inventory to get back on track.

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. I assure you if you start working a program, things WILL change! Maybe not for him, but for you and for the better! As long as we keep our focus, time, and attention on another person we will be strangers to ourselves.