JessicaNAJ

So....today, I'm thinking a lot about G. (I know I'm not supposed to do that.) I'm trying really hard to stop.

It's so sad. How can someone just throw everything away? I wonder what he's thinking, I wonder why he hasn't called, I wonder if he misses us. I miss him. I miss the chaos. I would much rather him call and we argue than him not call. At least then I'll know he's thinking about me and the kids.

But this thinking is so so so wrong. Stinkin thinkin...and this is usually where I cave. I'm trying to turn these "unhealthy" thoughts over to my HP. I need to break this unhealthy cycle.

I've asked him twice now in the last 10 minutes to take my thoughts of G away. My heart is aching and my mind is preoccupied, I want to bury my head in a pillow and cry.

My HP answered my prayer....My son just painted me a picture of the sky, a tree with a tire swing, a big red heart and the words "HAPPY THOUGHTS".

I asked my son how he knew I was having unhappy thoughts. He said, "B/c you wanted to do laundry and they're working on the sewers." (another lovely obstacle in my day). He was upset b/c he messed up on the word "thoughts" b/c the paper was too wet (water paint). Little does he know, his picture just filled my heart with so much warmth and happiness, and these tears that are streaming down my face aren't b/c of G, but b/c my HP sent me two angels when He gave me my children.

Somehow a big hug, a kiss on the cheek and a big ole "thank you" just don't seem to say enough of how much I love this picture and what it means to me.

Cynay

Gotta love those kids...

How about adding chocolate chip cookies to the big hug/thanks and kiss on the cheek?????

I love warm cookies.

mfisher

It is amazing how these things come.
I posted in another thread about no contact, it is really hard at first, but it really allows you to gain perspective on the whole picture, allow yourself that time.
You need to build that foundation for yourself, without chaos. Don't worry if he is thinking of you, think of yourself. Give yourself the peace you deserve.
It sounds like you have little angels that need you.
I know it is soooooo hard not to call, just hang in there and keep looking to your higher power.

JessicaNAJ

mmmmm...that's a perfect idea. Both of the kids LOVE to help in the kitchen.

Cynay

Wooohoo

What more could they ask for .... Cookie baking time in the kitchen and a happy/peaceful Mom that is not thinking about G at the moment.

That is the trick.... Keep busy living your life!

cloudy

That is wonderful Jessica, so wonderful and I do think that was a very special message. Be easy on yourself but remember to focus on that good path, unfamiliar as it may look right now, keep taking those steps. You ARE doing GREAT.
love Cloudy

ICU

That was a very special moment Jess. Maybe get a frame for the picture your son made for you and hang it in a special place.

elizabeth1979

You know Jess, I dont think anyone expects you to NOT Think about him. It happens, its normal. Its not the thoughts you have, its how you react to them that matters most, IMO.
If your reaction to those sad missing the chaos feeling was to find him, beg him to come home, and invite the drama back, that may not be the healthiest reaction.
Enjoying your kids, the good things in your life, and as your son said, thinking happy thoughts, now that is a healthy reaction.

Pick-a-name

I was going to write this very thing. Proof that He does hear us and provide. (((Jessica)))

cwohio

SE is right - THIS is how it's supposed to be! Enjoy those little ones - they can give you so much in return, unlike G. ((jess))

JessicaNAJ

As soon as the picture is good and dry...I've already picked out the perfect place for it.

Day two of this pattern..... That's what I would usually do. The first day I'm strong. The second day, I feel sad and question "why"? Day three, I'm doing exactly what you stated. This time I will break this pattern.

My dad left my mom....according to her, he didn't want anything to do with us. He was not an alcoholic or an addict, he left my mom for another woman. I guess I'm having flashbacks.....How could G not want to have anything to do with us?

Step one...Admitting we were powerless over alcohol. This question always comes to my mind.......Why wouldn't his family be enough incentive for him to just STOP? I have to keep telling myself, that I cannot control his drinking. This thinking of mine, and eventually me asking him this, is ME trying to control his drinking. I can admit it....now I need to accept it.

All I can do is make everyday, for me and my kids, the best day that I possibly can.

The cycle will stop here.

Someone said in my meeting last night....STOP doing "this and that", stop trying "this and that". Don't do anything. Let my HP do his work.

"I can't...He can."

laurie6781

Jessica, when I was on G's side of the fence all those years, here is what happened.

First Alcohol and then Alcohol and drugs were my friend, then my companion, and finally MY MASTER. Nothing and I mean nothing else mattered, and God help those that got in my way because i would steamroll through them or over them to get to my master. Even if I had been dry for a few days, once I took that first drink, or snorted that line or popped the pills, the Neon Sign in my head started with MORE MORE MORE MORE and MORE and when the supply was running low, I was focused on where and how and willing to go to any lengths to GET MORE. G is in that H*LL and it's going to take something other than you to get him out of it. Only he can do it.

Jess, you are doing good staying focused on you and the kids. You know you aren't going to control it, so continue with the business of living TODAY.

I hope it is a very PROMINENT PLACE that you have picked out for your son's picture. That is so sweet. There is your TRUE JOY IN LIFE, your children. Let that little girl inside of you out more often and have tons of fun playing with them. The sad part of that, is you have to put her away and become Mommy again, lol, but its still fun. I do it now with my grandkids.

Keep posting Jess, stay focused, we care for you so much, we will help with the focus, and 'kick your butt too when needed' rofl.

Love and hugs,

JessicaNAJ

I know all about that

Thank you for that post laurie. I needed to read that.