klj501

Sorry, new here and don't know if this is the right forum but here goes…

I've been married a little over 2 years and we have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. I'm concerned about my dh drinking and have a suspicion that he is an alcoholic. I was married to one over 10 years ago and the signs are close but my memory is failing me. I’ve told him that I was married to one before and won’t be married to one again. He drinks every single day. He doesn’t get up in the morning and have one but can’t make it home (25 miles) from work without stopping at a convenience store for a 24oz beer. And yes, he pours it in a cup and drives. Thank God he won’t do this if he has to pick our daughter up. But I never know how much he drinks because he pours it in a cup. I've tried counting the cans in the trash but we don't take the trash out everyday. At the least 6 beers and if he doesn’t have the money to buy any then he gets cranky. I’ve forbidden him from drinking harder liquor because when he comes to bed, he sleep walks and I’ve caught him countless times trying to use the bathroom in other rooms than the bathroom, several times in our daughters room. When I say something to him he gets hateful and mean with me. If we are at a friends he will sneak shots of their hard liquor. He doesn’t drink hard liquor every night but if he does have some around, he’ll drink it till its gone. And I have a suspicion that the other day he lied about how much something was so he could get cash back and bought a pint (but can’t prove it, other than the way he acted around 3am - another bathroom scene).

I have an occasional drink to but can go weeks without one. I can’t be hypocritical and tell him to totally stop when I have the occasional drink also. He just doesn’t know when to quit. He won’t even eat dinner when I fix it until usually 10pm because he’s drinking.

Am I officially living with an alcoholic? Any feedback would be helpful.

denny57

Hi klj501 and welcome

Does your occasional drink cause any problems in the relationship or your life? Do you also use other rooms as the bathroom?

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, especially with a young child. My first thought when reading what you posted was: when he heard you say you had been married to an alcoholic before, he may have thought - great, someone who will tolerate my drinking. You say you have told him you will not - have there been any consequences so far to his drinking?

In the last couple years, my AH would also drink while driving. I didn't understand at the time that his body needed the constant supply of alcohol. That is why I always recommend getting yourself educated about the disease.

I can't say if you're living with an alcoholic. You do say his drinking bothers you. There is a lot you can do about that. What has worked for me is reading, Al-Anon, therapy, attending open AA meetings, SR and supportive friends. There are many options out there to get you started.

Good luck to you and please keep posting!

laurie6781

KLJ welcome to Sober Recovery. Here you will find many who have either been where you are now, or are where you are now.

There is great Experience, Strength and Hope here. Start looking around the site and reading, there is lots and lots of information that can help you.

You asked: "Am I officially living with an alcoholic?" I think if you go back and read the post you just wrote you will have your answer.

I must ask if you have tried Al anon yet? The Alanon meetings will be a great benefit to you.

Please rememer the three C's:

you didn't CAUSE it,
you can't CURE it, and
you can't CONTROL it.

Please keep poting and let us know how you are doing.

Loe and (((((to all))))),

klj501

LOL
No I don't use other rooms as the bathroom. I usually can catch him right before he "goes". On those nights that he's drank something heavier than beer, I'm a light sleeper.

My occasional drink is a glass of wine or 1 beer.

I went to Al anon while my ex went to AA but it only lasted a couple of weeks. DH doesn't think he has a problem and would not be receptive to me going to Al anon.

Thanks for your replies. K

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... we are glad you found us.

I dont know that anyone can say if your husband is an Alcoholic or not but if his drinking is causing problems then there is an issue.

One of the things I learned early on is that I could not control his drinking... when I tried he would just get sneeky, and I would be going crazy... I would check the garbage for what and how much he was drinking and do the craziest things to change his drinking .... in the end the only thing it did was drive me insane. I suggest the same things the others did ... get educated about this disease.

Pull up a chair and stick around, I look forward to getting to know you

Pick-a-name

klj501 --Hi! So glad you found us.

Your "story" sounds very familiar to me and probably lots of others on this board.

I found a little reading started to educate me to what was going on in my life. Two great books I like are: "Under the Influence" by Dr. James Milam and "Getting Them Sober" series by Toby Rice Drews (you can read parts of her books free online on her website; you can get a "taste" before buying them).

Stick around here with us.......lots of help and sharing from people who have been/are in the same situation.

LaTeeDa

Hi, KLJ. Welcome.

I can relate to almost everything in your post. Except that I've been married for 17 years and my children are 13 and 9. The above, however, I'm having a hard time with. My AH also did not think he had a problem. (He later admitted otherwise.) I just don't understand what him being "receptive" has to do with it. Alanon is for you, not him.

L

klj501

Not so much receptive but How he would react if I told him I was going to a meeting because I thought he was an alcholic and I needed help coping with it. He's the type of person that calls constantly and gets mad if I don't answer. He wants to know why, when, what and where. I can barely go to church on sunday without him giving me the cold shoulder!

denny57

Those things are all about control, and only you can decide if you want him controlling you. If you do not care to try meetings, that's fine. If the only thing keeping you from trying it is his reaction, that's something else. What if you told him you were going because you thought it would help you? Not because you think he's an alcoholic, but because you need to go.

There were some things I did not do because I didn't want to deal with what I thought my AH's reaction would be. Guess what? He only upped the ante and none of it got him sober.

Cynay

Ouch....

That would not work for me.... I dont do well when someone tries to control or manupliate me.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease hon, you have to ask yourself what your willing to live with because it does get worse. What do you want for YOU.... and if you want to keep your sanity you are going to need support...

teke

i don't think that him controlling me in that way would work for me either, do you feel that if you took a stand that he would get violent, if so maybe you should talk to someone about that. if he can keep you isolated then he can keep you under his control, i don't suggest that you do anything to put yourself in harms way, only you would know that,it is something to think about.

you going to meetings should not be about him anyway, if he knew that you felt like you needed help and that you were not going because he had a problem but that you did, would that make a difference to him, you think?\

i will be praying for you and yours and i want to welcome you to sr.
my husband is the addict in my life and i can not go to meeting right now because i don't have transportation and can't do much walking these days, but just coming here and doing all the reading and postion has done a world of good for me. there are a lot of wise, compassionate, and caring peopke who have helped me in more ways than i could have ever thought possible, so until you can figure this out, keep reading others posts and post yourself, we all are here for you and want to help. you are not alone

loristreily

You also need to do what is right and best for your child. Do you want her to have to grow up chasing her dad around to stop him from peeing in her room.She is too young now to know better, but they catch on quicker than you think. And what happens if he feels he needs a drink before he picks up your daughter at school, He just has to have it. Can you trust him?

Kelly0303

I once asked my couselor about my occasional drinking and if I should stop. She told me why should you stop when techincally you are doing nothing wrong. If he isn't going to stop if you do so it really doesn't make a difference. She only encouraged me to stop if he were trying. I know how you feel my hubby is the same way with the sleeping and he drinks everyday. At least a 12 pack or .5 of whiskey. If the drinking is causing problems then he has a problem. That simple. Good luck and take care. I am still trying to figure out the next step.