So Confused

Thought I would send a little update as things seem to have gotten a tad out of control. I started a new job(#3) that I can see is not going to last. It is fine right now but within time is going to demand a great deal. Taking it one day at a time but it is making me anxious beacuse I know in time I will have to start all over again. BUt for right now its a paycheck and that is working at least. The A boyfriend or whatever he is this week seems to have time to only talk on his way home or when nobody else is around. That has not become such an everyday problem I face anymore I have gotten used to it. Still hurts in the back closet of my heart though. The ex husband to be has decided to move on with the new girlfriend. Which I am fine with. What bothers me is he says I tried to get back together with you. Yeah ok small effort. He refuses to change his emotional and verbal abuse and only wants t get back together for his own crazy reasons.(my money,his pride,) We have a daughter 6 and I think thats most of it and of course his pride. I told him no getting back together unitl he can work on the chaos he creates and how he speaks to me. According to him it is not him so now when he calls he is so nice and when I call there she is there. I guess the hurt feelings are: he has justified that he tried only to make him self feel better about moving on. i cannot be with him the way he is ,it just is so sad that he really believes he made an effort. My daughter is ok with for the most part but still has questions that will break your heart. I sometimes think I can put up with his emotional abuse for her sake but I know thatis wrong for both of us but I still feel like I am being unfair to her. That it rally is not that bad and at least she could have us both together if I could just stand it. I have gone out and met some new friends who are just wonderful.. There is no romantic involvement we all just hang out on the weekends when my daughter is gone. BUt sometimes I find myself complaining or venting about old drama to new people in my life. They will eventually propbably get tired of hearing I know I do . However, meeting them has helped to boost my confidence and occupy my time while these co-dependent people in my life find other things to do. I supoose the reason for the post is things lately seem to be on a bit of a spiral. Do not really feel like I know where I am going and what I am doing. I know that sometimes you just have to trust and believe. Trust me I know all the cute helpful sayings. I just want for once for everything to be semi under control I guess. I always feel like I am trying to create this new life for myself to move on. But nothing seems to be where I want to be. I suppose it just takes time to let go of the past and feel comfortable with moving on. I just wish it did not have to hurt so much. I lie in bed after she goes to sleep and cry. I actually think to myself what have I done. Perhaps I should not have left the husband but I know it was the best decsion and the A boyfirend who dear god what did I get myself into. I do love him but dealing with the ups and downs of his personality after his 10 years of sobriety is draining. Then I look at my daughter and hope she will be ok and I made the right decsions. I pray that I wil find my way and stop feeling so lost. I am so tired at 32 and wish I could jst find a way to make it easier. Some days are much better then others and for thhe nost part I am ok. But like recently when I start to worry myslef to feath it make me a little well ok alot sad. I just want osme peace of mind back in my life again. I will have to go back and read this to see if it made sense. IF not oh well just needed to get that out. Thanks for letting me share here.
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teke

hi confused

i do understand your confusion and am sorry that you are feeing this way.
low down, take a deep breath and count to 10. i know that this caan't be easy. sound like you have more decisions to make and i feel that until you decide what is it that you really want to do, you'll be confused. i am praying that god soon gives you the peace that you deserve.

denny57

So sorry to hear the job may not work out.

Did you ever look into Al-Anon or some kind of support for yourself? It isn't enough for me to know the helpful sayings, I have to live them every day. It's hard work, but nothing changes for me until I do the work. I hope you'll think again about doing something for you, as your daughter will benefit, too.

I have been where you are emotionally. It isn't easy.