Today is my wedding anniversary....
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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SS---------wow! "conversations" sound so very similar (except for the "hooking" ones where he acts/sounds like he "gets it"). We had to go to divorce court the week after our 27th anniversary (in Sept.but neither of us signed papers until he did a few weeks ago,I guess?) (we went out for dinner this year, if you can believe it AND had a nice time...I told him there were several promised anniv. dinners we never had so he could take me out for this last one.) I guess my xah does have a point; at this point we do have an irreconcilable difference....the kids and I can not live with the insanity of his drinking behavior and he thinks WE are the cause of any "drinking problem" he has ever had. What a waste.
Sorry you are going through this........I know how much it hurts. Thank you for this thread..it has helped me.
Sorry you are going through this........I know how much it hurts. Thank you for this thread..it has helped me.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I'm feeling a little bit like I'm just still emotionally beatean but I feel a little better than I did yesterday.
I called AH from work today and asked him if he needed a ride over to my attorney's office since 1) I was getting off work early and 2) since he got a DUI and doesn't have his license.
He, of course, didn't want me to take him! But said that he'd get over there to sign the papers.
(Hmmm....heard this before)
So I'm going to give him until Wednesday. If he hasn't been there by then, I'm going to call him again and insist that I take him to sign the papers. For reasons that will cost me more money if he signs after Wednesday, I would like him to sign before then. However, I haven't told him this as I was afraid that if I told him a deadline, he'd simply just blow it off to spite me.
I am truly believing more and more though that I'm making the right decision. As I mentioned in an earlier post, we've been having some issues with one of our kids. I found out today when I got home that AH is taking that child with him to the Nascar race. Hmm.......in my mind that is completely ridiculous as this child has just recently gotten into some trouble. Then again, he lives with AH so as I have posted about before, he has a lot of freedom, etc so I shouldn't be surprised that he's going to go to the race. Total irresponsibility as a parent!
Anyways............as I said, I'm trying to hang on here and remind myself that this truly is what is best for us all.
I called AH from work today and asked him if he needed a ride over to my attorney's office since 1) I was getting off work early and 2) since he got a DUI and doesn't have his license.
He, of course, didn't want me to take him! But said that he'd get over there to sign the papers.
(Hmmm....heard this before)
So I'm going to give him until Wednesday. If he hasn't been there by then, I'm going to call him again and insist that I take him to sign the papers. For reasons that will cost me more money if he signs after Wednesday, I would like him to sign before then. However, I haven't told him this as I was afraid that if I told him a deadline, he'd simply just blow it off to spite me.
I am truly believing more and more though that I'm making the right decision. As I mentioned in an earlier post, we've been having some issues with one of our kids. I found out today when I got home that AH is taking that child with him to the Nascar race. Hmm.......in my mind that is completely ridiculous as this child has just recently gotten into some trouble. Then again, he lives with AH so as I have posted about before, he has a lot of freedom, etc so I shouldn't be surprised that he's going to go to the race. Total irresponsibility as a parent!
Anyways............as I said, I'm trying to hang on here and remind myself that this truly is what is best for us all.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
SS, you can do it.
Look at it this way and it doesn't always help but you have to change your outlook and it starts with the inner dialogue as you know.....I know you love him and getting divorced is the last thing you want. But, after all is said and done, maybe just maybe, you'll have more of a reason to truly "move on" and "let go."
Personally, I believe you know in your gut EXACTLY why he hasn't given you the things you've requested. He's too scared to. But really, even if you realized he was less than honest, as long as he shared it with you, there would have been room to work. Like with my ah, he will NOT admit the truth. I know in my gut what the truth is. But, my denial makes me doubt myself sometimes. That is my struggle. The damn denial eats at me.
Look at it this way and it doesn't always help but you have to change your outlook and it starts with the inner dialogue as you know.....I know you love him and getting divorced is the last thing you want. But, after all is said and done, maybe just maybe, you'll have more of a reason to truly "move on" and "let go."
Personally, I believe you know in your gut EXACTLY why he hasn't given you the things you've requested. He's too scared to. But really, even if you realized he was less than honest, as long as he shared it with you, there would have been room to work. Like with my ah, he will NOT admit the truth. I know in my gut what the truth is. But, my denial makes me doubt myself sometimes. That is my struggle. The damn denial eats at me.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
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Hang in there, I got through my 23rd anniversary and it was tough. I just remembered how I would have to choke down my dinner as he would be drunk and he would have to tell everyone that I was his "charming Bride" and they would all wish us a happy anniversay AND I JUST WANTED TO SCREAM.
Ahhhhhhhhh memories.
Anyway today is my birthday and I had a senior moment and wondered if he was going to send me flowers as he always did (charging it to my credit card)
Then I remembered I haven't talked to him in a year and a half so probably not.
It is strange though not having him around to wish me a happy birthday and then ruin my day.
Your conversation with him was word for word a converstation I have had with mine, I just wanted to smash my head into the computer.
Oh yes take the kid to the races, my son got suspended from school and he bought him a drum set so he would have something to do while he sat home. I call it buying there love, cause Dad is so cool!!!!!!!
Take Care, it gets better.
Ahhhhhhhhh memories.
Anyway today is my birthday and I had a senior moment and wondered if he was going to send me flowers as he always did (charging it to my credit card)
Then I remembered I haven't talked to him in a year and a half so probably not.
It is strange though not having him around to wish me a happy birthday and then ruin my day.
Your conversation with him was word for word a converstation I have had with mine, I just wanted to smash my head into the computer.
Oh yes take the kid to the races, my son got suspended from school and he bought him a drum set so he would have something to do while he sat home. I call it buying there love, cause Dad is so cool!!!!!!!
Take Care, it gets better.
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Join Date: May 2004
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Originally Posted by sunshine003
Personally, I believe you know in your gut EXACTLY why he hasn't given you the things you've requested. He's too scared to. But really, even if you realized he was less than honest, as long as he shared it with you, there would have been room to work.
You have completely hit it on the head. The cell phone records - I know that he lied. If he hadn't, he'd have no reason to not give them to me. The excuse about not getting them due to being behind on his bill is total BS as well as I even offered to pay the bill as well as the cost of the records. BUT as you said, I was willing to accept what was in those records. What I wanted was his total honesty and his effort in giving them to me to show me that he truly was serious, etc.
I am sooo glad that you understand this.
I also agree that he's afraid - of the paternity test. Heck, he can't be responsible or financially responsible for the three kids we have together, I'm sure he doesn't want to take the chance of finding out if there is another one he'd have to provide for. But my other son and I both have asked for that test - he blew us off. This hurt my son a great deal. And that too is one of the things that keeps me trying to be strong - he has hurt our children alot.
Logically, I know the truth and everything. I just wish those emotions would go away that keep harboring and festering in my heart.
Today though, finding out son is going to the Nascar race was just another reminder. I think right now I need to really focus on the reality of his actions as well as his lack of actions. Those glimpses of the old him that I see now and then tug at my heartstrings - but my son's pain right now (he didn't see ah for awhile due to the paternity issue and is now not seeing him again because of the DUI and Ah's drinking) as well as other issues that seem to be happening - all red flags that this truly is a right step.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I relate and understand so well SS, so much so that it's scary.
You see, I just know my ah has been unfaithful. Probably with more than ONE woman but this ONE situation eats me alive. It eats at me because of how he denys it even though, I know it's true. Certainly, I never actually caught him in the act with my own eyes and because of that, he denies it all the way. In the past, I told him over and over that it was so important he admit it because it would show me he was capable of being honest and capable of accepting responsibility. I NEEDED him to tell the truth. Had he told the truth, I would have been willing to move forward. His reply is, "he can't admit to something he didn't do." So often, I felt crazy, maybe it was all me and in my head. But I know I"m not that paranoid.
I still need reassurance at times, from others, that I'm not crazy over it, etc.
That it is what it appears to be.
When I find myself slipping, when I find myself forgetting, I remind myself of the facts.
First, ah started going out as often as he could get away with it. About every other weekend. I thought nothing of it AT ALL. But a few of those times, he didn't come home until well after bar closing hours. (four/five in the morning). I still never gave him a hard time because I never suspected he was cheating....not sure why, just didn't think of it yet. One time he came home at 5 am after going out straight from work on a friday....he had all his clothes on except his shirt (just his undershirt). I asked where his shirt was and he said he took it off at his office because thats where he was, "sleeping it off before driving." I got this weird feeling but left it alone. A few days later, he brought the shirt home and made the mistake of saying, "here's my shirt, see. and you were all suspicious." Well, I would have forgotten all about it had he not said that AND I wasn't all suspicious. I looked at that shirt and it had been washed. I KNOW because I have all his work shirts dry cleaned, always have. He likes medium startch. ALL his shirts, even after being in the hamper waiting to go to the cleaners for WEEKS, still have startch in the collar and the cuffs. They have a certain smell even after being in the hamper....not just the detergent smell the dry cleaner uses but his cologne smell. This shirt had no startch in it, looked like it came from the dryer after sitting and smelled like a different detergent and had no trace of his cologne.
Feeling sorta silly for inspecting the shirt, I very shyly asked "who washed your shirt?" He acted like I was being untrusting and crazy.....I dropped it.
A few weeks after the above incident, I got a babysitter and told him I'd meet him for dinner after work. The baby was just a few months old at this point so we hadn't been out much together. I show up at the meeting resturant and so does he. Only, so do some of his friends. No bigge, I guess. But then I notice this girl who works for him there as well. She sorta stuck out, where did she fit? Right then, I had this feeling I couldn't shake. I observed and noticed whenever I'd go to the bathroom and come out, they'd be talking. They're body language was so strange, it made me uncomfortable. After dinner, I had to get home. He walked me to my car, said he was going to pay the bill and would be "right behind me." I get to my car and notice his parked next to that girls. I couldn't hold it in and asked, "do you and ----- have something going on?" He studdered over his words, reassured me and kinda tried to act offended all at the same time. We kissed, he would be home shortly and I left.
SS, that night, he never came home. This was the first time he stayed out all night (and the last). I was waivering between worry and anger. Finally at 6 am, I packed all theh kids in the car and drove back to the resturant I left him. All cars were gone except the girls. I thought about how weeks earlier he said he went to his office so I drove by his office. HIS CAR WAS THERE! Right at that moment, it hit me.......the late nights, the shirt and how when he'd go out after work, this girl was always there too. This woman lives with her parents so it made sense they were at the office. Nobody else would be there and ah owns it.
I left and drove home. I just KNEW , I KNEW what was happening.
He strolled in a few hours later. Acting all angry and he didnt' come home because he was mad at me. SS, I left and we kissed, exchanged I love you's etc.....but he was mad??? the turn around worked. He denied that he was with her and had no idea why her car was still at the resturant but what was I doing spying, etc. I was not spying. I WAS WORRIED SICK and it turned into spying once I saw HER car. Once I saw her car, everything flooded up on me.
Anyway, after that, we stayed together and I got much sicker. I believe his fling ended then as he stopped going out without me. I know he knows me pushed the envelope too far. But that isn't to say he won't do it again with someone else in the future when I let my guard down.
His lying over it tells me that.
My point to all this is.......the story I just told you I tried to jus tput facts in. ALL those facts along with the gut feeling I had that last night equals what I think it does.
Do you think my ah has ever tried to prove his innocence? NO WAY. He's tried to prove it with his WORDS and with his LIES but never with an action. I was married once before and I know if that would have happened with my ex, he would have called the girl and said something such as "I put myself in an awful position last night and now sunshine thinks we wer etogether. I'm sorry to put you in this position, and it's embarrassing but could you tell her the truth......" He would have insisted. Do you think my ah has ever done anything of the sort.????
Fast forward 8 months later, I always struggled with believing him but I ended up seeing the wife of one of his friends. She and I are friends only through the husbands. Long story short, she confirmed my suspicions. WhenI confronted ah, he said I was lying!!! I was making up that story. Do you think he's ever called said wife and asked her why she'd tell me that??? NNNOOOOO.
His words is how he tries to prove his actions. Just through words.
You see, I just know my ah has been unfaithful. Probably with more than ONE woman but this ONE situation eats me alive. It eats at me because of how he denys it even though, I know it's true. Certainly, I never actually caught him in the act with my own eyes and because of that, he denies it all the way. In the past, I told him over and over that it was so important he admit it because it would show me he was capable of being honest and capable of accepting responsibility. I NEEDED him to tell the truth. Had he told the truth, I would have been willing to move forward. His reply is, "he can't admit to something he didn't do." So often, I felt crazy, maybe it was all me and in my head. But I know I"m not that paranoid.
I still need reassurance at times, from others, that I'm not crazy over it, etc.
That it is what it appears to be.
When I find myself slipping, when I find myself forgetting, I remind myself of the facts.
First, ah started going out as often as he could get away with it. About every other weekend. I thought nothing of it AT ALL. But a few of those times, he didn't come home until well after bar closing hours. (four/five in the morning). I still never gave him a hard time because I never suspected he was cheating....not sure why, just didn't think of it yet. One time he came home at 5 am after going out straight from work on a friday....he had all his clothes on except his shirt (just his undershirt). I asked where his shirt was and he said he took it off at his office because thats where he was, "sleeping it off before driving." I got this weird feeling but left it alone. A few days later, he brought the shirt home and made the mistake of saying, "here's my shirt, see. and you were all suspicious." Well, I would have forgotten all about it had he not said that AND I wasn't all suspicious. I looked at that shirt and it had been washed. I KNOW because I have all his work shirts dry cleaned, always have. He likes medium startch. ALL his shirts, even after being in the hamper waiting to go to the cleaners for WEEKS, still have startch in the collar and the cuffs. They have a certain smell even after being in the hamper....not just the detergent smell the dry cleaner uses but his cologne smell. This shirt had no startch in it, looked like it came from the dryer after sitting and smelled like a different detergent and had no trace of his cologne.
Feeling sorta silly for inspecting the shirt, I very shyly asked "who washed your shirt?" He acted like I was being untrusting and crazy.....I dropped it.
A few weeks after the above incident, I got a babysitter and told him I'd meet him for dinner after work. The baby was just a few months old at this point so we hadn't been out much together. I show up at the meeting resturant and so does he. Only, so do some of his friends. No bigge, I guess. But then I notice this girl who works for him there as well. She sorta stuck out, where did she fit? Right then, I had this feeling I couldn't shake. I observed and noticed whenever I'd go to the bathroom and come out, they'd be talking. They're body language was so strange, it made me uncomfortable. After dinner, I had to get home. He walked me to my car, said he was going to pay the bill and would be "right behind me." I get to my car and notice his parked next to that girls. I couldn't hold it in and asked, "do you and ----- have something going on?" He studdered over his words, reassured me and kinda tried to act offended all at the same time. We kissed, he would be home shortly and I left.
SS, that night, he never came home. This was the first time he stayed out all night (and the last). I was waivering between worry and anger. Finally at 6 am, I packed all theh kids in the car and drove back to the resturant I left him. All cars were gone except the girls. I thought about how weeks earlier he said he went to his office so I drove by his office. HIS CAR WAS THERE! Right at that moment, it hit me.......the late nights, the shirt and how when he'd go out after work, this girl was always there too. This woman lives with her parents so it made sense they were at the office. Nobody else would be there and ah owns it.
I left and drove home. I just KNEW , I KNEW what was happening.
He strolled in a few hours later. Acting all angry and he didnt' come home because he was mad at me. SS, I left and we kissed, exchanged I love you's etc.....but he was mad??? the turn around worked. He denied that he was with her and had no idea why her car was still at the resturant but what was I doing spying, etc. I was not spying. I WAS WORRIED SICK and it turned into spying once I saw HER car. Once I saw her car, everything flooded up on me.
Anyway, after that, we stayed together and I got much sicker. I believe his fling ended then as he stopped going out without me. I know he knows me pushed the envelope too far. But that isn't to say he won't do it again with someone else in the future when I let my guard down.
His lying over it tells me that.
My point to all this is.......the story I just told you I tried to jus tput facts in. ALL those facts along with the gut feeling I had that last night equals what I think it does.
Do you think my ah has ever tried to prove his innocence? NO WAY. He's tried to prove it with his WORDS and with his LIES but never with an action. I was married once before and I know if that would have happened with my ex, he would have called the girl and said something such as "I put myself in an awful position last night and now sunshine thinks we wer etogether. I'm sorry to put you in this position, and it's embarrassing but could you tell her the truth......" He would have insisted. Do you think my ah has ever done anything of the sort.????
Fast forward 8 months later, I always struggled with believing him but I ended up seeing the wife of one of his friends. She and I are friends only through the husbands. Long story short, she confirmed my suspicions. WhenI confronted ah, he said I was lying!!! I was making up that story. Do you think he's ever called said wife and asked her why she'd tell me that??? NNNOOOOO.
His words is how he tries to prove his actions. Just through words.
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