DALE JR.

I'm really not sure where to start. I guess I'll just start with who I am and where I'm from. I'm a 24/m from a single parent home. My mother is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for more than 2 years and I have never met my father. Ever since she started AA, she has been nudging me to go to an Al-Anon meeting, which I have refused. I guess I am the classic "there is nothing wrong with me that I cannot fix" guy. I have always dealt with problems in my own way and never really found any merit in talking about them, until now I guess. My entire life I have felt lost. I always thought that was just a part of life. Its kind of hard to describe all of the emotions that I have inside of me. I am the guy that everyone loves to be friends with. I make everyone around me happy. But inside I feel scared. About what I'm not sure. I really do not have anyone that is a close friend. I know tons of people, but I always keep them at a distance. I usually always decline invitations to go out. For some reason I would rather be at home on a Saturday night than go out. I really would rather go out though, but I don't. I have had a bunch of guys come up to me saying, "Man if I had what you had I would be going out all of the time". But they don't understand. I think I finally hit the point where I can now see that I might need people to talk to. I have been talking to someone for the past few weeks and it has been going fairly well. She is starting to get very busy with her job and wants to slow things down. It hit me kind of hard. I'm not sitting at home and crying myself to sleep over it, and I completely understand why, but for some reason it hurts me more inside than I think it should. I don't want to talk your ears off, so I'll stop now. Was just wondering if anyone could relate. Thanks for the interest.

Ann

Dale

Welcome to our boards! You may think you are different, but here you sound just like any of us. We all have had dysfunctional lifes of one sort or another, and we have learned the the name of what we are is "Codependent". Read some of the "sticky posts" at the top of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon and you will find a lot of helpful information. Codependents are often "nice people" who have difficulty choosing and having healthy relationships. We are people pleasers and we are manipulators, but mostly we are people who have never dealt with the hurt in our lives.

Like your mom, I am going to give you just a little nudge to try Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or CoDA. They are wonderful progams with people just like us there who can share their strength hope and experience with us and who can help guide us through working the 12-steps. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do there - you can participate as little or as much as you are comfortable with. Give it a try - what have you got to lose?

Make yourself comfortable, have a read around and post here as often as you like. The fellowship here is warm and friendly and we welcome newe people with open hearts.

Daffodil

Welcome:
Yes I can relate; I too always felt like I never really ever fit in anywhere, I built walls that no one could see. I grew up with 2 practicing drinking parents...since they are gone I can not say they were alcoholics but they surely did drink alot and often...
Now here I am 63 yrs young learning to really live my life....actually in Al-Anon years I am only 16... and I am having the time of my life..

So keep coming back and you just might find you really like it...

Morning Glory

Hi Dale,

Welcome to the forum.

Hang around with us for awhile. You can talk openly here.

You took a risk getting close to your new friend. You left yourself more vulnerable than you usually do. When we have trouble with boundaries we usually start out with all or nothing until we learn how to set boundaries appropriately.

I'm still working on it myself.

Hugs,
MG

journeygal

(((((((((Dale)))))))))


Gosh, even though some of the details may be slightly different, I totally could have written your post!

I grew up with an alcoholic father who went into recovery when I was 21. All during my 20s, I felt like something just wasn't right in my life. I had escaped the turmoil of living w/my dad, and things on the outside seemed to be going well. I graduated from college, got a great job, had a boyfriend and was in a drama-free relationship. So, why did I feel so alone? Why was I afraid to reach out to people? Why did I prefer to stay at home instead of going out with friends?

I struggled with these feelings for years. My mom too suggested I try Al-anon when I was your age, but I said hey, I don't have any problems, don't need it! Boy, what I WRONG!!!!!

By my late 20s I was having thoughts of going to a therapist that wouldn't go way. Unfortunately, it took another few years, meeting and marrying my crack addicted husband and delving into the depths of codependent hell before I finally sought help for myself. In my case, al-anon and therapy have helped me start to deal with the issues caused by my childhood. I finally feel like I'm starting to understand and deal with who I am and why I've always felt alone and like such an outsider.

Please, don't wait as long as I did! I'm so glad you're seeking out help now. B/c trust me, things will continue as they are, and may even get worse until you start addressing some of your issues, most of which may be completely unknown to you. It's taken a lot of light bulb moments for me to understand why I am the way I am, and to be able to start making some positive changes in my behavior patterns.

I'm so glad you found us and keep coming back!

Sending many hugs your way,
JG

Gabe

And welcome. I could relate to a lot of the feelings you described. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and also endured many years with an alcoholic husband. I tend to shy away from people and feel like "I just don't fit in". I think for me, it's a defense mechanism. I've had a lot of hurtful relationships in my life and I think that has made me develop some very powerful "internal armor".
This is a wonderful forum to find understanding, support and advice. Glad you decided to join us.
Peace,
Gabe

EmotionalMeg

Hi Dale,
So glad you shared with us . All that I can say, is that I know that feeling very well. My mother and father were not alcoholics, but the disease was not far out of reach. My maternal grandparents were both alcoholics. My mother, and her siblings were all drastically affected by the disease. My mother met and married my father just to get out of the he** she was living in. Eventually the marriage fell apart, and my mother headed for the hills. Her leaving left a void in my life that I have struggled with to try to fill; to try to understand. I was never able to trust anyone or anything, as the security and love was just not available for me as a child. I am wondering if you feel the same way? I can imagine how alcoholism could make you wary of all things; never quite believing that "all would be OK". Anyhow, keep coming back...
Take care
Meg