imherenow

The holiday weekend was very difficult. A good friend was off with her husband at cookouts. My alcoholic husband spent much of his time like usual - in the basement drinking. Seems I always have too much alone time. Im thinking its common for the wives of alcoholic husbands. Can anyone identify?

elizabeth1979

It never was for me.
I didnt stick around the house long enough.
There were times when I didnt feel like dragging myself out, but I could either be at home alone, or out.

I think its common though.

Imherenow, what do you like to do?
Cooking, gardening, bowling?

There have been some people in my life who suggested I take up a new hobby. By new, I mean other than the alcoholic

Maybe there is something you can do that you enjoy and get pleasure from?
It may help you feel less alone.

denny57

imhere, i understand what your saying, but my experience was similar to elizabeth1979's. at the end we didn't do a lot as a couple because my AH preferred to stay home and drink, but i went out as usual with my friends. i have many things i enjoy doing and continued to do them. it may be difficult at first, but perhaps you could try with one thing and do that each week.

you say your friend was off at cookouts. did you get invited to any?

ASpouse

This is your choice to have too much alone time. You should not blame you AH for that, just as he cannot blame you for his situation and predicament.

GettingBy

Yup, sure can. And as soon as I got some recovery under my belt, I realized that I was living in a self-imposed prison. I was home and alone because of my own choices.

Now I know I have a choice. I can sit home and wish that my husband was this or that, or I can accept the truth and get on with living the life I want. I think that should be how a marriage is, alcholism involved or not. Your spouse/mate can't be your whole life. There has to be some individualism.

I love my husband dearly and I love spending quality time with him, but there's also alot of things I love to do apart from him. It keeps us balanced.

penmeister

[My alcoholic husband spent much of his time like usual - in the basement drinking.

You took the words directly from my mouth... My husband spends every waking minute in the basement listening to the radio and drinking beer or in the basement on the phone drinking beer. I can't figure out why he would rather sit in a basement by himself than to live life with his family. I feel so jealous of other people who have a husband that is involved and someone to do stuff with. I sat on the porch Monday night and watched my neighbor along with her daughter and her HUSBAND get into the car they had a big bowl of something and I new they were off to a cook out and I was so sad I want that for myself but Im strapped to this Lump in the basement. I so desire to be in a loving relationship with a person I can actually depend on. ya know its the small things that I miss like just to get the car to go some where and have him drive. I feel like his chaufeer I ALWAYS have to drive because he is ALWAYS drinking...Such a small thing but when you add up all the small things it can make you crazy. Sorry to vent but once I get started it's so hard to stop.

imherenow

so how do we not feel jealous when we see our neighbors go off together to yet another cookout?

ASpouse

Jealousy is an immature and stupid emotion. Do something for yourself. It is dangerous dangerous territory to hang out in wishing that you were like someone else.

Remember, the outside appearances always are different than what they really are.

I feel sorry for you being jealous of what others do and have. You create your own lonely existence and believe me, I speak from experience.

GettingBy

By making better choices. If you don't like the life you have, make choices that will get you to the life you want. It starts with accepting reality. Your husband is an alcoholic. He chooses to drink instead of spending time with you. That's a fact. A fact you can't change or control. You want to be out doing things as a couple (that's what we can an expectation). Reality is... he's not into "couple" things so no matter how much you sit around wishing he'd be different... it ain't gonna happen. Acceptance of reality... and letting go of expectations.

Sure, who wouldn't love to have a beautiful house, with a white-picket fence, the golden retriever, two kids, blah-blah... but that's not reality. That's dreams, and expectations. And for the record... I have the house, the fence, the dog, the kid on the way... and sure, from the street, a passer-by would probably think, "Oh, those two are just perfect." Yeah, but not. We have our issues. My husband has his drinking problem. All is not peachy keen like it might appear from the curb. Like Judy (ASpouse) said, be careful with comparing your insides to other's outsides... you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Live your life for you, and take responsibility for your happiness.

P.S. If you don't like chauffeuring your husband around, then don't do it. It's all about making better choices, b/c you're right it's all those "little" choices that eventually add up. Stop making all the bad "little" choices, and it will be much easier to maker better "big" choices.

lovemypup

No matter how tough we think we are and how much we do our own thing we still would like companionship from our A's. Everyone needs that from their S.O. Sure I did my own thing for 27 years but you know what I got tired of doing my own thing all the time. I wanted someone to share life with. I guess thats why I finally made the choice to leave. Nobody is made of stone. Everyone needs someone at some point. People are not as tough as they may sound. Trust me I always thought I was as tough as nails and he had another thing coming if he thought his drinking was going to hurt me. I had my own thing going on at all times. Well after years of it, you do get hurt and very tired of it. Then you make a choice.

GettingBy

And you make that choice because you've finally accepted the reality of your situation....

You're trying to have an emotional relationship with an emotionally unavailable person.

lovemypup

yes but unfortunatly I made my choice after 27 years of marriage. I always had it in my head that I can just do my own thing and ignore his drinking. It sounds good on paper but after years of it you will get real tired of it and it will eventually hit you like a ton of bricks. You will see how old you are now and how much life you have left. You feel you don't want to waste what precious time you have left by living life that way anymore. Its one of the hardest things you will probably ever go through in your life but its worth it after all the pain has subsided.

elizabeth1979

Trying to have a healthy relationship with an unhelathy person, or 2 unhealthy persons will not work.
Choices.
Live with the unhealthy relationship as it is and learn to make it work for you.
or
Leave the relationship.

All this talk about how to change them, how to get them to understand. Its useless and does NOT work.

The only person you can change is yourself.
Once I stopped expecting things that the alcoholic couldnt give, my life got better. We are setting ourselves up for misery if we expect an active alcoholic to care about our needs. We are responsible for our own needs and our own emotions.

Some emotions have a value.
Whats the value in jealousy?

MsPINKAcres

Well, here in Louisiana if the A's wanted to stay in the basement to drink -they would be in the swamp with the snakes and gators - how appropriate - OK, OK - I'm just kidding - It's just joke -
But seriously, don't let life pass you by just because they choose to drink, find out what makes you happy, what are your healthy interest, even if you are short on cash, walks in the park, relaxing bubble baths, watch a great movie, read a good book, treat yourself to nice meal out if you can afford it. Invite Al-anon buddies to your house for a friendly board game night. A bunch of ladies in my group did this about a week ago - we had a blast.
Don't wait for fun to happen to you - make it happen.

megamysterioso

Imherenow- if you haven't already, please go to www.empoweredrecovery.com, download the free e-book there and read it. In fact, any of you reading this that feels "trapped" or "lost" needs to go and do this now. You will not get a healthy type of emotional bond from the active alcoholic in your life PERIOD. Wishing is just wishing and the jealousy of others who seem to have it "better" is just a wasted emotion. This book will teach you that you DO have choices and that you can empower your life. You can take ACTION to improving your situation and the power is truly in your hands- not his.

mallowcup

I would spend a lot of time alone unless I did something about it. I love my job so I work a lot. Nurses don't get much time outside work to socialize but my co workers are my friends. We have fun at work and I look forward to going most of the time. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. I enjoy my own company and the down time in the quiet of my house. There are times when I envy women who get together and families that love it when company drops by. I have alsways treated our home as a sanctuary so most of my socializing happens out. You can't wait for him to sober up, you have to get out and find the fun. Sitting alone and havoing friends he doesnt' even know is empowering.

So Confused

I just wanted to say that all the advice seems to be great ideas. I dedided to reply beacuse there are some people on this forum one that responded to you that are HARSH!!!!!!!I understand that sometimes you need to hear the flat out facts but listen to the people who have kindness in their heart. There is help here so please keep coming back. I was not so sure I would after a response I got but am glad that I did. Some people think they learned something about life, but based on their responses to you and the ones I had gotten from that member carry more anger then you or I could ever imagine. I feel sorry for them! Best of luck to you. Keep your head up. Remember One Day at a Time. You just have to keep trying to look out for you. So long as you are doing that you have never failed.

reader

Emotions are just that emotions! Jealousy is a human emotion. Not a feeling I have very often but seeing other families happy is hard for some. My H works for corrections and has always had to work, 3 -12pm, and now 11-8:30 am, so I know all about being alone or going to functions by myself. Over the years I have come to the conclusion life is what u make it. Be kind to your self, I wish everyone on here could be. Jealousy maybe bad but negativity is worse, With Love, Kerry

reader

Quote for the Day - "Some people our just full of **** and vinegar"

Cynay

I dont know but I think some confuse jealousy with longing.... I do that

There was a couple I met last weekend, they have a beautiful daughter, beautiful home, lakeside cottage, and a loving supportive family.....

I have to admitt that just for a moment I "wished" that is how I wanted my life to be, and longed for that ...... but its ok, I just came back to reality and think about the things I do have and remember how truely lucky I am....