LiLL

AH (when sober) once asked me if I've told anybody about his drinking problem. I told him the truth: I did. I told two of my closest friends. He was so angry at me for a while, and swore that he would never want to see those two friends of mine ever again. And I said fine.

He brought this up again today. He's in a drunken state and he told me how I wrong I was to tell others about his alcoholism. He said he never talked to his friends about me behind my back. He said I really hurt his feelings, and that I should have asked him before I said anything that concerns him to others. He even said that if he'd ever see those people he's going to kill them (but added that "hey you know me. i would never kill anybody") .... he's even crying... he said I really hurt him....

I didn't respond at all, partly because I've learned to keep quiet (he'd only twist my words when he's drunk) .... partly because I really didn't know what to say.

Now I actually feel very bad about it. Have I done something really terrible? He doesn't mind me going to Alanon meetings. He doesn't mind me coming to SR. So I can't say he's trying to control me. But by telling somebody that knows him... I guess I ruined his reputation?

minnie

People have a tendency to react strongly when the veil of denial is at risk of being lifted.

I can't see that you have done anything wrong in reaching out for support from close friends. In fact, I would be more concerned if you hadn't.

We're only as sick as our secrets...... And there is a big difference between secrecy and privacy.

Pony

Yes, I agree with Minnie.....we are only as sick as our secrets. No alcoholic wants to "known" as one. Mine lables himself as a heavy drinker and doesn't like that lable alcoholic or that it is a disease. Because he is so functional he feels that it is not a problem in "his" life.

You did nothing wrong in sharing and getting support from your friends. He probably didn't mind your discussing with those that he didn't know because he doesn't have to face them, but with those that he knows he can't live in denial of his behavior and thus face himself. Keeping secrets is only enabling that denial to continue. Does that make sense to you?

Living with an active A is hard, hugs to you.

Missy

I think I was taught in Al-anon that we should never call our alcholics an alcholic.
We should talk to them as someone who "drinks too much".... am I right with this? It just seems not to "trash" them so much.
karen

dax

I say too bad if he is hurt you told your friends the truth about him. You have every right to share with anyone who will give you support. It is the truth - and if the truth hurts -it is up to him to change it. He is an alcoholic . He can be an active one and be ashamed - or a recovering one and be proud he has finally 'got it.' dax

minnie

Actually, Karen, I do agree with that in a sense. It's quite confrontational.

(In fact, I have a difficulty with the term alcoholic (and alcoholism) and would prefer to use alcohol abuse and alcohol dependency instead. But that's for another thread - please start one if you want to continue that discussion!)

megamysterioso

((Lill))-- I too do not think you were wrong in reaching out for support by discussing the truth of the matter. The truth hurts and I'm sure he's upset. He can change his "reputation" if he wants to. He's upset that this facade that he thought he mastered has now been shattered.

mallowcup

"Hey, guess what girls, my husband is an alcoholic." no no no, that is not how it happens. There is a saying which I believe, "To see a mans true character, look into his wifes eyes". True friends see the truth wthout being told. You spoke the truth and don't let him pervert your thinking to believe that seeking help and support is a betrayal or a weakness. Speaking of betrayal, he has turned to a bottle far more times than you have turned to a friend. If he thinks it hurts that ou confided to friends, how much does he think it hurts that he turns to a bottle instead of you. He needn't explain what hurt feelings are. Revealing though huh?