mallowcup

I work hard, my husband works hard too. We don't have much but we pretty much live cash on the barrel head, which means there are things that we need done, that go undone until we can pay for it. Other people may take a loan, but we don't want the debt. Our house needs new windows and siding. We can live without it, but it gets tiresome working and never getting ahead. We have a rental property which pays for itself and that's about it. It May and the bills are stacking up as my husband is NOT back to work yet. Rediculous in NY construction. This Makes him fret and drink getting more and more depressed. My mother has chosen this time per ususal to tell me she is broke. My father died a year ago and left her with about $40,000 and a house that's nice and paid for. She paid bills and actualy has about $10,000.00 left in cash which she will NOT put in he bank, she has a four bedroom house and will not consdier a room mate, renting the house and she says she can't sell it because of some HUD work she had done. She gets $800/mo Social security. She has no credit card debt and only has utilities and reduced taxes. She says she cant make it on that much money. I don't have room for her to move in here. I can pay my bills but not hers. My only sist er left while my father was dying and ran off with an internet guy she met on line and actually met in person one time before selling everything, sperating her kids and moving in with this man who just married her. She is no help and lives in another state. Her dauther lives with her and her son was left with his unemployed alcoholic father. They live in a camper. It all just seems overwhelming today. My other wants a check from me each month and is guliting me into it. I will not pay unless she is willing to consider her options. She has hinted for me to clean her house for my sisters visit which hurts my feelings terribly. My sister is the HUB of her own universe and walked off to find her own happiness and left me to deal with my father dying and getting my mother on her feet. My brothers (3) live their own life and refuse to be manipulated by my mother. She is my mother but she has so much more than I do, am I really going to work more so I can send her a check each month. Her house is spotless and yet every time you go there she has a list of jobs that need doing. My house is in need of cleaning and repair. She harps and hounds until you just do it so she'll shut up. I lent my sister tons of money that never got paid back. She made me so mad when she left in the middle of my father dying. Now my mother wants to give her and her new husband a little wedding reception when they come to visit in June. Could I help her with it? Why do I have so much trouble just saying "HELL NO!" My question is, do certain family memebers seem to take on the parental role in an alcoholic family?

ilovebdj

UUUGGGHHHH! I feel your frustration spewing off the screen......I totally understand. My AB's mom has $40,000 in the bank, a new 3 bedroom house, a new car. We have been saving for three years for basically everything she has. Yet anytime something has to get done, we would pay for it. She needs a new bed, if we went out to eat, if she needs things for her yard, etc. I'm glad that part of my life is over.

You make money, and all of your needs are not tended to. So why on earth would/should you start handing your money out for others who have more? I used to do this all of the time, feeling guilty when my friends/family would say they were broke, then give them money for what they needed. I've also done it for people who DID have less than me but still guilted me into it instead of budgeting for themselves. So I have since made a resolution that I would not loan anyone more than $20 at a time. That is all I can afford to lose. And I wouldn't loan money to anyone that owed me money. AND I have started saving for the things that I want and need. That is the beauty of living your own life.

You earn your money and get to spend it however you wish. Don't feel bad or guilty about not giving it away. You sound resentful of your sister and PO'ed at your mom for wanting to do these things for her with your money. Solution? Don't give her any of the money and I bet those feelings will go away. Have YOUR list of chores ready. You need new windows and siding, and that's where your money should be going, not for a reception. A simple "Sorry mom, I can't afford a party right now, my house needs windows and siding" should suffice. And if it doesn't? Too bad! Let her try to guilt someone else into it. Your brothers are smart.


She is my mother but she has so much more than I do, am I really going to work more so I can send her a check each month.

Gosh, I didn't even have to move this quote around to stick these two thoughts together, you did this on your own. Listen she has more than you do right now, therefore you SHOULDN't send her a check each month.

If her house has been spotless, then she is physically able to keep it that way. Let her do her own work. We are all adults (most of the time)

I would totally put my foot down on this one, mallow. I know it's hard, but you have to be strong. Don't be codie, just rely on yourself and don't worry about how everyone else is going to make it. It's not like your mom is asking for money for groceries, she is asking for money for extras (i.e. reception). You genuinely can't afford it right now so the answer should be NO.

GOOD LUCK and please let us know what comes of this. Stay strong!!!!

GettingFree

Hi Mallow,

Detaching and disentangling from FOO is very difficult. The roles are learned so early. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time with your mother. I think whenever giving is accompanied by resentment it's a huge signal to pay attention to. I hope you get some answers.

The research on Adult Children has talked about 4 major roles that children of alcoholic or dysfunctional families adopt. They're talked about in several books. I've really benefitted from two books by Claudia Black -- It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up With Addiction As Youngsters, Adolescents, Adults and Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear in which she makes reference to these roles.

The descriptions below are from Robert Burney's site.

“Responsible Child” - “Family Hero”
This is the child who is “9 going on 40.” This child takes over the parent role at a very young age, becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens. The parents look to this child to prove that they are good parents and good people.

As an adult the Family Hero is rigid, controlling, and extremely judgmental of others and secretly of themselves. They achieve “success” on the outside and get lots of positive attention but are cut off from their inner emotional life, from their True Self. They are compulsive and driven as adults because deep inside they feel inadequate and insecure.


“Acting out child” - “Scapegoat”
This is the child that the family feels ashamed of - and the most emotionally honest child in the family. He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. This child provides distraction from the real issues in the family. The scapegoat usually has trouble in school because they get attention the only way they know how - which is negatively. They often become pregnant or addicted as teenagers.

These children are usually the most sensitive and caring which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. They are romantics who become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive.


“Placater” - “Mascot”
This child takes responsibility for the emotional well-being of the family. They become the families ‘social director” or clown, diverting the family’s attention from the pain and anger.

This child becomes an adult who is valued for their kind heart, generosity, and ability to listen to others. Their whole self-definition is centered on others and they don’t know how to get their own needs met. They become adults who cannot receive love, only give it. They often get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to “save” the other person. They go into the helping professions and become nurses, and social workers, and therapists. They have very low self-worth and feel a lot of guilt.


“Adjuster” - “Lost Child”
This child escapes by attempting to be invisible. They daydream, fantasize, read a lot of books or watch a lot of TV. They deal with reality by withdrawing from it. They deny that they have any feelings and “don’t bother getting upset.”

These children grow up to be adults who find themselves unable to feel and suffer very low self-esteem. They are terrified of intimacy and often have relationship phobia. They are very withdrawn and shy and become socially isolated because that is the only way they know to be safe from being hurt. A lot of actors and writers are ‘lost children’ who have found a way to express emotions while hiding behind their characters.

cwohio

thanks for the reading tips GF - i see myself sort of crossed between the last 2. i think i shall pick up the second book for myself soon.

mallowcup

Thank You both. I can see myself and each of my sibblings fitting into these roles. Unfortunately, as children if wehad tried to get out of these roles, affection and approval would be withheld. My mother is an odd bird. At 70 something, she still puts like a 5 year old when she doesn't get what she thinks she deserves. She needs near constant verbal reasurances and promises for this or that. I am the oldest of five. I am judgemental and rigid. I am the peacemaker and the parent. Most of the time it's OK. I do miss having a mother myself. I was not born to love, I was born to service and there is no doubt about that. Therapy might help but it won't change my childhood. I know what I need to do. I've gotten pretty good at distancing and thinking before I throw myself into situations. Bottom line, she's got money and she doens't need mine. I'd never leave her to freeze and starve to death in the dark. She's really very blessed, just a whiner and a bellyacher. I have to keep having these talks with her about her blessings and to stop wanting excess as if it is a need. Some days when I have my own stuff going on, people need to back off with theri trivia.

reader

Mallowcup- I really struggle with guilt when I say no to something-usually something real simple such as kid related or to do with an invite from someone. I think this is much harder because it is a request from your mother. I took care of my Grandmother until her death so she could remain at home. I too would slave to make the house just so for family coming to visit. She required an immaculate home like your mom- The stress of 2young children a part time job, care of her home and mine, all the chores of living, was unbelievable stressfull. There were days I never really sat down to 9 or later. I look back and don't really know how I did it . I aggree with not given her any money not at the expense of your own desires and security. I really have no practical suggestions since she refuses to down size. I also would refuse to contribute to a reception-a small get together at home would be enough. It always seems to fall on one family member and that was me too. I know how difficult it is but try to keep the guilt at bay. It really got to me too- Keep your chin up!

LaTeeDa

This sentence really jumped out at me. Wouldn't it be great if therapy could change our childhoods? I know from first hand experience that it does help, though. It is helping me to recognize the "roles" and behaviors that I developed as a child to adapt to my toxic environment. Once I recognize something, then I can act differently instead of the same old way. I can't change my childhood, but I can change the rest of my life.

L

mallowcup

It's just so dysfunctional. I'm 50 freakin years old and my mother has never hugged me or said "I love you". The time for that has come and gone, it would just be too awkward and we both know it probably isn't true. My mother once said in jest that if abortions were legal in her day, none of us would be here, it wasn't funny because I know she meant it. I'm sorry this has turned into a blog. I lived across the street for 12 years from my mother and she came to my house once. She has her reasons for the quirky way she is, whatever they are. I have settled the squabbles, helped with the homework and attended all the parent functions for my sibblings. My brothers are very good to me. They do still rely on me as a parent. They also respect me that way. There are times when I feel ike saying, OK, if you'd like me to check out nursing homes let me know. They are able to give you time and attention 24/7. I have to become more comfortable with the word no. My husbands mother is exactly he same way and she's rich rich rich. She also holds our mortgage, oops, I mean anvil over our heads.

GettingFree

The last 3 years I've been learning to see the prison bars I put up in my own mind. There are no bars that have been put up for me. None.

I can choose which responsibilities I take on because they make me feel good to fulfil them. I can choose which ones I am going to unhook myself from because they make me feel bitter and resentful. Still an ongoing evolution.

mallowcup

Getting Free, this can be a real perversion can't it? Most parents want their children independent. I want my kids to be able to take care of themselves, not crippled by the love and approval I spoon out when I get my own way. All along the way, my parents were able to save something but they didn't. If they got a buck, they bought some extravagant thing my mother just had to have. Fancy lamps, big screen TV, New applainces, new livingroom furntiure, new deck, new car......all in the last year. There was no value in a college education, that was for snobs. There was never a nest egg or a fund for a rainy day. It wasn't even stuff that made them happy, it was to impress the neighbors. "I wonder what they thik now?"" Well, now the neighbors have something to talk about!" The neighbors were nice. I'm not usre why all of this is so disturbing to me now.

reader

It's disturbing because your human. I am sure there is but I don't know anyone that doesn't have issues from childhood. I think it is so normal to want our parents approval, when my mother said she was proud of me, it was one of my happiest moments of my life. Its so awful that your mom has never hugged or said I love u. No matter how old we get that is still craved. My grandmother wasn't the type to kiss,hug, or say I love u but she showed it in other ways. It's kinda sad they felt the need to keep up with the Jones so to speak. Many people are like that though. I too parented my sister at least. I am glad u have the respect of your brothers. My brat of a sister is so self centered she has never even thanked me or discussed how my I gave up to care for her and the house. Talk about cinderalla syndrome!! Oh I am babbling! A hug from your cyper friends