Blondie

My question is: Do all alcoholics have to act like they need total control over their mate? Are they all verbally and mentally and emotionally abusive?

Blondie

I am so tired of the mind games and controlling and the mental and verbal abuse! I am just bone tired! I have had enough!!!

lyn_blossom78

I know some of the things you are feeling right now, as I have a controlling spouse too.

I believe (and I'm not an expert, so ask them their thoughts too), that an alcoholic feels out of control, and has to gain control on others so they feel more "in control". They feel guilty, so they blame others to ease their guilt.

Have you read the Power Posts at the beginning of this forum? I started to one day, and never finished, and Anns reminded me to look into them last night during Chat. ( thanks Anns) I just read them, particularly the ones on "boundaries" and "detachment". They were a big help to me, and I hope they will help you.

You need to remember you are a great person, no matter what your "A" tells you. I saw your other post about letting go and letting God, and that's a good start too.

Do something special for yourself today.

Hugs, Lyn

NoDoubt

I'm not sure if they all must be 'in control'. My husband becomes very self absorbed. It's as though everything revolves around him when he drinks. He walks around the house mummbling but doesn't actually voice his throught to me. However, what ever I do, be at a sigh or blink of my eyes then he thinks it means something. If we talk about anything he picks out one or two words and focuses on them. Then the conversation turns utterly stupid. If he tries to repremand the children and I intervene then he thinks that I am taking too much control. He then proceeds to ignore the rest of us for the remainder of the night. Which may only be 1-2 hours while he falls asleep on the couch watching TV.

I shouldn't be so negative, because this past week he has been trying to remain sober. Won't actually admit he has a problem (maybe a control issue) but at least he is trying.

I joined the chat last night and advise was given regarding not letting someone else have control over you. If he is verbally or emotionaly abuse just walk away. Don't let him have control. To 'avoid' my husband when he tries to take control, I disappear with my kids (to their rooms or another room and play games or do arts and crafts) or I do paperwork, laundry or clean.

Hang in there. Please don't let anyone take control over you!!
jmm

EmotionalMeg

Blondie,
In my situation, my A learned to use alcohol as a way of being someone he was not. The alcohol gave him self confidence and made him feel important; the behavior that came out of this was/is very similar to the man you described. When using, my A was/is verbally and mentally abusive, and trying to "control" everything.
The flip side to this however, is that for my A, the real person behind the alcoholic is a total opposite. He is very insecure, and not at all controlling or abusive. He is very loving and generous and understanding... and most of all rational.
Often, I think alcoholics / addicts are attracted to the substance because of what or how it makes them feel.
Take care,
Meg