cheetah

I'm new to the forum - HI I need some advice - sorry in advance for this post being so long. Thanks in advance for any advice you can throw my way.

My little brother is 24 and in the last year we haved learned that he has been taking pills for awhile. Loracet, vicodin, xanex, and some others that I can't remember or don't know about. Anyhow, I have talked to him several times and each time he promises me that he is clean now (he has not been to rehab). We have had these talks alot because he "messes up" alot. However, he now gets more angry at me now when I ask. He even told me that he would stop talking to me if I didn't quit questioning him and once he threatened me over the phone (not really me, but my property - I told that sounds like something a sober person would say). He has messed up at school because of this (this past January) and had to forfeit the entire tution because he missed too many days (my mom paid for). He then started a new fire academy (my mom paid again)- he says he finished but doesn't want to take the state test just yet...I hate not to trust him, but???? He says now he is taking a break from school until he gets some money saved up. He wrecked a almost new $40k truck about a month ago. He said he fell asleep, which he probably did (he's a hotshot driver so he does go on long trips...but it's what goes with him that worries me).

He just recently just got back together with his ex-finacee who is preganant with another man's baby (I want get off-topic and explain this to you. She met the man in rehab and she has been clean for about 6 or 7 months now...I am so proud of her (she went in for crystal meth - got started on pain pills as a teenager). But I know that the baby not being my brothers adds a little stress to their relationship. Anyhow, she fills me in on whats going on with him - I get weekly updates. She also tries to make him take a drug test...he does sometimes and sometimes not. The tests though always comeback "if-y". For example, the red line shows up if its negative - he'll usually have one very faint red line.

My mom and dad seem to bail him out whenever he needs it. One reason my "sort of" sister in law went into rehab is because she said she had hit rock bottom - she had nothing. My brother tells her that his family will not let him get that low. I know it is hard, he's my brother and I love him, but I know it is not right. My mom gets angry at me when I start asking how my brother is doing (he lives next door to her). I know she sees it, but doesn't want to admit it. She just co-signed for him two weeks ago on a brand-new work truck - the other truck is in the shop getting repaired (which she also co-signed for).

My brother is about to become a dad by default and in my heart I want to believe that this will change him. But I don't want to be naive.

To give my brother some credit, he was sober last week for sure. He was gripy, short-tempered, and in an overall bad mood. He has also started gaining a little weight back. But I'm afraid without the proper help, he'll keep slipping back.

I would appreciate any advice. What can I do to start helping my brother get clean? I realize that this is not easy and won't be pleasant. I just don't know where to turn. My parents don't want to admit he has a problem. Actually, they did admit once but they think everything is better now. I don't want to stress his finacee out with worrying about this too much (she's in the hospital in fact right now with false labor).

Again, thanks for any advice.

FormerDoormat

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to get your brother clean. He has to want to do that for himself. And as long as your parents are willing to bail your brother out and keep co-signing for new cars for him, he won't get ANY help. Why should he? As long as your parents are willing to clean up his messes, he will continue to behave badly--to use drugs, to lie, to manipulate, to wreck cars. By the way, I don't buy his excuse that he fell asleep and crashed his car for one minute. He crashed his car because he was using.

One thing I know for sure, it's safe to assume that an active addict is always under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Is your mother aware that by co-signing for a car for him, that she would be legally responsible if he were to maime or kill someone while he's behind the wheel of that car?

She could lose her insurance, her home, her savings, everything. My advice to you is to find an alanon or narcanon group in your area and ask your parents to attend the meetings with you.

megamysterioso

Welcome to SR! Your parents are enabling him to continue his addiction. As long as he has them as a safety net, the longer it will take for him to find his "bottom." Your soon to be SIL found hers and that is what it took for her and every other recovering addict on the planet to seek help. It will take your brother falling and falling hard (all on his own) in order for him to get serious about a lifetime of recovery.

There is really nothing you can do to help your brother. I know your intentions are good, but all of your parents' "helping" is actually hurting your brother by allowing him to comfortably pursue his addiction. You need to let go with a loving hand. You don't have to swim in denial like your parents! In fact, it would help you to get as educated as you can on addiction and your family's role in the cycle of it. Please go to www.empoweredrecovery.com and download the free e-book there. It is a very educational site and it will teach you about the cycle of addiction and how you can deal with it. You also may want to check out www.gettingthemsober.com and read the free chapters they have available there. All the best.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... we are glad you found us.

Im very sorry for what your going through... I too have a sister that is into drugs/alcohol... She has gotten 4 DUI's, spent 6 months in jail, lost custody of her 4 boys. She was also coddled by my parents and bailed out all the time ( my mom & dad are both passed and so no more bailing out) ..... I could go on and on.. she still drinks, not sure about the drugs but probably.

For me I had to let it go. The more I asked questions the more upset I got, then I would say things that hurt and that helped no one. Personally I have an issue with smoking... it would drive me batty if I tried to quit and every time I saw family that is all they wanted to talk about and asked me questions all the time. My sister told me once that she did not enjoy spending time with me because I always talked to her about her addictions and she already knows she is a failure and does not need to be reminded....... I stopped asking.

I have finally come to the point that I can respect that it is HER life, that they are HER decisions and if that is what she wants to do there is nothing on earth that I can do to cure it. I love my sister too and it kills me to watch her kill herself, but what are my choices??? I only see two.

I can remove her from my life because it hurts too much to watch her do this or I cant detach from her lovingly, talk with her and have a relationship and pray. I choose to take my nose out of her business and enjoy her when I can and pray. Currently I keep my recovery from trying to take care of and control others by attending Al-anon... I would strongly suggest that you find a support system and take the focus off your brother and put it back on you. What he is doing will only drive you insane if you are looking to fix it.