CodeMaster

You know, I know a lot is genetics, but a lot is taught to the mind that this or that is OK when you see your parents doing it. It can be anything, from divorce, cheating, drugs, anger, violence, whatever you name it everyones got their stories to tell.

I noticed in myself the way I respond to things a lot of it reflected to how my Dad would act cause he is my mentor and today he looks happy, is healthy, and doing very well in life. I think the way he lives must be right... even though he does somethings wrong, I'll say to myself, thats wrong and I'll never do that. But I am realizing in the past I have done, and even today as I am aware of it now, I still in the back of my head, think doing this or that is ok justified by my Dad.

Sometimes I'm sad in that even though my therapist and others have told me you dont have to follow your Fathers Destiny, deep down I believe and I cant break that belief at the moment even though I try that I am destined to my Fathers weaknesses.

Just wondering... hope everyones having a great weekend!

best

I did things the way I knew...till I learned a better way.

Some things I learned because of who my parents were or how they treated me.
I said to myself many times...I won't do this or that to my kids when I have my own. What I didn't realize at the time...their drinking and my drinking could have us both doing the same things. I looked at their defects brought on by alcohol as defects in them. When the alcohol stopped, the defects stopped. I didn't tie the two together till I lived through it myself. I guess that both my parents and me did the same things after all. We all stopped the alcohol and changed.


I did things the way I knew...til I learned a better way.

Minx1969

Ditto..not everything that my parents have done is healthy..

I'm in recovery today to become a grown up and someday be a better role model to any future children I have.

Parents are human too. It's ok to see them as whole with their good and bad..

Take them off the pedestal and see them for who they truly are.

mallowcup

When I was a kid, children didn't have rights and women stayed at home. If they worked, they ceretainly didn't make enough to live on. Children were abused but people minded their own business. It wasn't considered a strength to talk about "personal family matters", it was a weakness. Times have changed, thinking has changed, social mores have changed. There is also help available that never was when I was a kid. The predispositon still exists, parental example still exists and environmental factors in. In answer to your question, no, I do not think we all follow the path of our parents. My father was a heavy drinker in his younger days and it does run on both sides of the family. Those who chose the drink, drank too much. Thos who did not, didn't touch the stuff.

GingerM

Every day that we get up, we make a decision to behave the way we behave. Some of us have a larger repetoire than others in the behaviors we have to choose from. Some were given a very limited set of behaviors while they were growing up.

I had a limited set of behaviors. I didn't like them. I didn't want to behave that way, but didn't know how else to behave. So I started counselling. Over time I've learned new behaviors which I'm much happier with than the old ones.

We may start with what we're given by our upbringing, but everyday we have the choice to refuse to behave that way and to learn a new way.

Yes, I did things the way that I knew, until I learned a better way. One can't learn a better way until one decides they don't want to be the way they are anymore.

MissFaye

Good question, my biological mother was a drug addicted alcoholic. (as a matter of fact that's what took her in the end) I chose not to follow that path, never did have a problem with either...but that's just the decisions I made.

Pick-a-name

Neither of my parents were alcoholics, etc........yet I married one and all the excitement that goes with it. They were married for 37y until my mom died..........he still misses he, although he has since remarried.

My alcoholic husband dumped me after 27y...........

Doesn't feel like I am following in their footsteps right now, though there were years I has, or thought I was.

I do not know.

CatsTail

Only if you choose to CodeMaster. We can choose to live another way if we want.

Ngaire

BohemiMamaof3

No! I think we can all chose to make our own way in life and overcome many of the things we seem to be genetically or environmentally predisposed to. In my experience though, it takes faith in your Higher Power, hard work and patience. Hang in there, kiddo, as the old saying goes, 'Rome wasn't built in a day.'

mallowcup

There is the parable of the two sons rasied by an abusive alcoholic father. One son grew up to work hard, was dependable, had a nice home, good kids and a happy marriage. People asked him how he turned out the way he did with a father like his? He said with a father like mine, how did you expect me to tun out? The other son grew up to be an alcoholic who couldn;t hold a job , wasn't a good husband or father. People asked him how he could turn out like he did with a father like his? He said with a father like mine how did you expect me to turn out. I think we use our upbringing as incentive or as a license to do nothing.

sunshinebluesky

i see so much of both my parents in me...some i like,some i dont....its always been interesting to me how kids turn out with same personalities,traits,addictions ---or the opposite.and why this is so.
my sister is an alcoholic and neither of my parents were.nor the grandparents.she didnt start drinking hard till my mom died.i think it was the stress of that and emotions with it (besides the usual sadness,i think she had some guilt) that pushed her to it.then once hooked,that was it.
ive often looked at my patterns in my relationships of how they pertain to my parents.
my parents stayed together til mom died,(44 years)and i often wondered why???? cuz so much of the time they really didnt seem happy. so,ive had to ask myself many times if i bail too easily in my relationships....not wanting to live in a relationship like that---but i dont think i do.i think i give them enough time,and find they just werent right.
i know my self confidence problems to a large degree come from them.
sometimes i wonder if all the blame we put on parents,families isnt just a cop out.
i always told my kids i didnt want to hear them using the divorce as an excuse. its certainly not pleasant,and it has its downside but plenty of people have brought themselves up from much worse things.
i think so many things are factors in who we are and what we do. heredity,enviornment,outside influences,and our own minds and choices.

StandingStrong

I am definately the product of my parents. LOL. Actually - I have a post on here that I had posted here about a month ago or so in regards to some of the things that I believed that I learned from my parents. Not so much in that they were things that I did just like them - but how I perceived some things as a child and ended up mimicking those things in ways that were similar. Hard to explain - perhaps you may recall my post and know what I mean.
On a side note to that, I think that as children, we all say that we aren't going to do certain things like our parents or be like our parents - and yet, there are similarities. It's a learned behaviour, it's what is known as "normal" to us - even though we don't realize it as we grow and learn. One day we see the similarities and we may not like them - then we work to change. Sometimes we do - and sometimes we don't. Sometimes I think the similarities will always be there - or at least some of them.
But as was already posted, I agree - we all do what we do, the best we can, until we do better.

Life is a journey........

GingerM

Mallow, that's a great parable. I'm fond of saying "Sometimes kids turn out the way they do because of their parents. Sometimes they turn out the way they do in spite of their parents."

ICU

Awareness is the key CodeMaster. Sounds like you've got that part covered already. It's up to you as to what you choose to do with that awareness!

Great topic! I could go on and on, but I'll spare you all of that!

gelfling

No

equus

I neither have nor will.

What I think about my destiny:
I was destined to live a life, to have eyes I could use to see, to be able to listen and think who I choose to follow. The choices I make destine my future, my will, my intention and my effort determine the destination I reach.

The experiences, including being parented are the opportunities to learn, my life is destined to be filled with experiences just as most lives are. This view of destiny is one of the most fundemental differences between me and my parents.

CodeMaster

Interesting stuff to think about , thanks....