pmaslan

Sinshine Quote:
Maybe you don't hang up right away because a part of you is curious? maybe you still have a bit of hope that something has changed? maybe it's because you're nice? maybe it's because although you've moved on with your life, you haven't totally let go? I suppose it could be any number of reasons. Maybe you're strong, very strong but he brings out a weak side in you?


YES, to all of the above.....


Sunshine Quote:
Maybe you could just envision what it would be like/feel like to have the conversation go another way and then next time, do it.

Impossible....he is hell bent on taking my inventory, bringing up a sick relationship
we both contributed to a year ago. He is an alcoholic and is not living in the
here and now, frankly he isn't living period, IMO.
No matter how I try to steer the conversation he is determined to bring me
down to his level. It's as if he doesn't hear what I am saying, I think I stay on the phone because I am amazed at that alone.
He tells me that I am impossible to have a conversation with, that all I want to do
is argue.....he informs me that he has peace in the house with his ex wife
where he currently lives. He claims there is no intimate relationship there,
I don't care at this point really. I find it all highly dyfunctional and sending
all kinds of wrong messages to the 11 year old son that is now living in
a fantasy world. None of it is my business but he continues to bring it
into our conversations.....
I have let go of the idea that he will become sober anytime soon. He is
unable to hit a bottom with so many enablers available to him.
I have let go of the idea that we will ever be together again. Even IF he
were sober I am not selfless enough to handle the possiblility of "the other
shoe dropping."
This is not what I signed up for. When I met him I thought we would enjoy
a social life and all that it entailed. This is not possible with him. I am not willing
to give that part of my life up for someone that has not made a long
term commitment to himself.
I HAVE NOT let go of the idea that this man is very sick.
I HAVE NOT let go ot the fact that this is a highly intelligent man.
I HAVE NOT let go of the fact that he still has a part of me that
I can't give to anyone else.
Aside from that I am realistic that there is no future with this man and
really not point in continuing a friendship. Friends don't belittle and
berate you.
Sunshine you are right I have not told him to stop calling me lately.
I did several months ago but haven't done so in awhile.
Why, that is a really good question considering all that I know.

sunshine003

Yes, no matter what you say, they don't seem to hear you, LOL. I sit in amazement with my AH on that note as well. I love it when he tells me something about myself and I'm sitting there wondering if he realizes that if what he's saying is true, then we are twins, LOL.

All those reasons you listed as to what you have not let go of just yet....those are the reasons you don't just hang up. Especially the one that you haven't let go of the fact that he is a very sick man.

Once when I was frantic about a big episode here with AH, a friend of mine told me to snap out of it. I'll never forget what she said next, she said, "He is so predictable it isn't even funny, don't you see that? this is not the end, it will never be the end unless you make it the end. Now, pull yourself together and remember....he is crazy, we do not let the crazies control us, we do not put the crazies in charge. We control the crazies, we are in charge of the crazies. that's how it works. the quicker you realize that, the better off you'll be."

LOL.........it made me laugh anyway and it really made sense. My AH IS predictable but each episode felt different. I was always frantic.

TexasGirl

Love that quote from your friend, Sunshine! I'm going to copy it.

Oh, boy, do I relate to this....

pmaslan

Thanks Sunshine....
Yes he is predictable, every conversation is the same, nothing new there.
As for me the episodes always feel the same. That's how predictable I am.
I am making progress because the "I have let go of's" are starting to
out weigh the "Have not let go of's." One day none of it will even matter
to me anymore....

Pick-a-name

My kids already have that phone.....their cell phones! Certain people have their own "ring" (me,included) and when some of those numbers call, they either dive for the phone or let it go automatically into voicemail......ahhhh, kids these days!!! haha

They ALWAYS check the number,first before answering,too.

(guess they have learned something already that we are only now figuring out!)

pmaslan

Hey Pick, I like the way your kids think....LOL

I usually, most always, look at the caller id.
Last night while lying on the sofa watching SuperNanny (I love JoJo)
in the semi dark and like Jazzman no glasses available I "trustingly"
answered the phone. The home land line which 9 times out of 10 is
for my son. I turn my cell phone off when I am home and that one
I always look at, if I can't see it I don't answer it.

Pick-a-name

Guess, "Someone" wanted this call to happen, for whatever reason..........it HAS been a good reminder to me (and others) about why we are separated......... I am upset when I don't hear from AH, but upset (often,more!) when I do.

(He is in Aruba for the next few days, so I have both of those bases covered! haha)

Good luck. You sound good about all this! Actually, better than when and how he left in February.

Jazzman

Hey at least I still remember where I PUT my glasses!
And when the phone rings 9 times out of 10 it's for my son



I need a life

pmaslan

I hear you Jazz.....my son is the "boss" of the phone too!!!!!

denny57

It would seem this call and conversation were meant to be. Hope you got some sleep and are feeling better about things this a.m.

(())

pmaslan

Denny thanks....
Actually I am feeling better this morning about all of this.
I realize I dealt with the ramblings of a very sick man last night
and that's all it really was.
His need to belittle and berate me is as strong
as my need to allow him to.
Even at this point in time.

sunshine003

If you had seen the caller ID, would you have NOT answered?

pmaslan

Sunshine does this answer your question....

His need to belittle and berate me is as strong
as my need to allow him to.
Even at this point in time.
__________________

cwohio

like someone said above - there was a reason for this call and your taking it - a unpleasant reinforcement of why you need to stay away and keep working on you!

sunshine003

Yes it does. I can also relate to it although I've never described it in such a way. Maybe it's better to think of it in another way. That way makes you sound like the one underneath (if that makes sense) and I have never gotten that vibe from you.

How about looking at it like this....as much as you've moved on and improved your situation, as much as you truly enjoy not having to deal with the chaos of living with an alcoholic and as much as you know you'd never have him back, he DOES bring out the codie tendencies inside of you....making him a toxic person to have in your life. No matter how "under control" or how much recovery you have under your belt, having an active alcoholic that you once loved in your space on HIS terms will NEVER work. It would have to be on yours. And since you do not have those terms right now....perhaps taking his call and not hanging up is as simply described as it would be with anyone who once loved someone dearly....you're curious. Only, with situations like this, with people like this/us, we can't be curious. We already know.

Perhaps next time you could not answer while telling yourself, "He is bad for me, I never feel good after it...." or whatever.....what the heck do I know, I still answer the flippin phone, LOL.

denny57

Do you think this is the reason? Or is it one of many options? In 5 months my AH has not called me except once for something he needed. Yet I still sometimes wonder if I would be tempted to answer the phone if he did. I hate to admit this, but there's still a part of me that believes - hopes? - I would hear in that call his decision to get sober and into recovery. Now, WHY i hope that . . .

I guess what I'm thinking here is that maybe you don't need to allow him to - but it says something that you are taking that approach (berating yourself) to your having taken the call and conversing with him.

I'm confusing myself here

pmaslan

Sunshine and Denny and anyone else that thinks I am nuts for making that
last statment....
No I really don't feel the need to be belittled and berated,
especially by the likes of him.
All I know is that when I don't hear from him
I am 100% better than where I was last night
Make sense.....

sunshine003

yes, it makes sense and I didn't think you were nuts, LOL.

pmaslan

You know what I find just absolutely insane....
All the time and thought I have put into this
last night
and today....
And he probably doesn't even remember calling me last night....
Egads!!!! (Shaking my head and rolling my eyes)

sunshine003

LOL, I hear that one patty. LIke the other night when AH laid it on thick stating how he should just run his car off a cliff....only to be at work the next day in a fine mood while I sat around worrying about him....I shake my head with you.