TexasGirl

I find these so insightful. Wanted to share in case anyone else could benefit...


A person called in because her mom got out of rehab and was pretending that she was maintaining sobriety. The caller was deciding how and if to cut contact for her and her minor sister she had adopted.

Dr. Laura -- That’s what drunks do, they lie. Part of being a drunk is to be a liar. They go hand in hand. If you have one, you can assume the next one.

This is your ambivalence.
Mothers often use the excuse that they’re doing it for the benefit of children when they’re staying with abusive men, or a drunken man, or whatever.

You don’t want to deal with it, on the other hand you feel guilt. Let me take away the guilt. There should be no guilt. You can feel sad about it. You can be disappointed about it. You can be unhappy about it. But guilt is not relevant. Guilt is for your mother to carry, not you.

--caller – “I do feel guilt.”

No you don’t feel guilt, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. You’re naming it wrong. You and I are talking about the same emotion, but you’re giving it the wrong name. The correct name is sadness. I feel sad that I’m not going to interact with her. I feel sad that I have to give up the hope that she’s never going to turn into a super mother. And you know what, her getting sober is just the beginning. It will take her a good ten years to straighten out her head. When people are drunk all the time, their emotional, spiritual maturity stops. So she’s not going to be able to be a functional person anyway. But she’ll be on the road. So I just want to clarify for you that you should stop calling it guilt. It isn’t. Guilt is an implication that you’ve done something wrong. There’s nothing wrong in protecting oneself from destruction or damage. In fact, to me, there is something wrong when a person does not protect themselves.

elizabeth1979

Very insightful.
I like this...thanks TG

megamysterioso

Ha! Before I saw your reply elizabeth, I highlighted the same part to comment on-- lol. That is very insightful. I really do like Dr. Laura. I also love to watch Judge Judy in action when I get the chance. A lot of people I know think it's total trash TV or that she's a raving B, but she tells it like it is too. I love it.

TexasGirl

LOL.
I like Judge Judy too. I love these fiesty women!

Minx1969

I just needed to highlight this part..Do you know in AA you are considered a newcomer for 5 years?

I think too many people automatically assume someone stops drinking all of a sudden they are this mature nifty person..

No way..sobriety takes a long time..

If you listen to Clancy I (long time AA member over 20 years of sobriety). On one of his tapes he pokes fun at newly sober members and says he wouldn't allow anyone without at least 2 years of sobriety the keys to his house..I'm paraphrasing but you can catch the gist..

Some times I still have to remind my sponsee of that fact as well..

So folks..think about it..

DesertEyes

Around here you're considered a newcomer as long as you're breathing. If I _ever_ get to where I think I don't have to pay attention to the people who have gone before me I know I'm in danger of a relapse.

Clancy I. is pushing 40yrs sober. He's my great grand-sponsor and it takes a heckuva lot more than 2yrs to get his house keys. I think of it like buying a used car. It's not the years that matters, it's the miles. It's not the years without chemicals in my body, it's the depth of the HP in my heart that matters.

Mike :-)

Zoey

I have to Hi-Jack,or butt in.
First thank you, TG, glad you posted that good info.

Question for Mike, Is Clancy I still involved in the Midnight Mission?? WOW! 40 years, I had lost track, I have his tapes and got a HUG once. Lucky me.

I loved the name Clancy years ago before I knew Clancy I, and when I signed in I didn't think of Clancy I. (I am female of course ya know)

DesertEyes

Yup. Just like always.

Way cool. He doesn't give me hugs, he scowls at me and asks me when was the last time I went to a meeting. *lol*

Lucky choice of "nick". And yes, your feminity is quite apparent :-)

Mike :-)

Cynay

*raises her hand*

Yep I am reminded of that on a weekly basis I think.....

That was huge for me (and I still dont get it all the time) that 1 1/2 years sober is really not enough for a person to change .... and that is even if they are really working a program or just using the program.

Zoey

Thanks for reply Mike, what he says to you sounds just like him. (Smile)

If he is still involved he probably is in good health. Wonderfull

Back to the thread, Thanks guys.