ASpouse

[QUOTE=brightlight] but brightlight, to do what you are saying is just perpetuating the insanity and helps no one recover from their addiction, the alcoholic or the enabler.

I believe G knows what he has to do, but he is an alcoholic and he simply can't.

Jess has to do what she has to do for HER! She needs to move ahead in her recovery and leave G to his own devices. She can scream and yell at G to get another job, pay child support, to grow up etc, but he won't, not until he's ready, if he's ever ready. In the meantime, Jess needs to keep moving forward and let G take care of himself. Your advice will only keep Jess in the position she's been in for the past 2 years and her life was passing her by. Her focus should be on HER and not worrying about G and what he's NOT doing.

JessicaNAJ

You're right....that is what he's doing. I've driven myself crazy for years trying to change who he is. But that's not up to me. It's not an option, which is why I need to move forward with my life....and climb up out of this frickin hole I jumped in.

I say it's time for me to grow up.



lol....he called me back (again). Here is the conversation....

G - Yeah. You called?
Me - No.
G - Your number showed up on my phone.
Me - it wasn't me.
G - So, WHAT"S UP?
Me - With what?
G - I'm surprised your not all pissed off.
Me - What's the point? It doesn't do me any good. All it accomplishes is getting me all confused.
G - I guess I'm going to go and figure out who it was that called.

Surprisingly....I'm in a really good mood. Me and the kids are having fun with this project thing.

jojo

Jess -

He stole from you and your kids. If you do nothing about it, isn't that enabling him?
On one hand it might be easier for you to just write it off but on the other hand . . . .
It is a tough decision to make. What are your plans regarding any future with G? He is living like a bum and taking advantage of anyone that he can while you are working hard to make a decent life for you and the kids. The less you have to do with him the better off you will be. Do you have any court ordered support coming from him? If not, maybe consider doing that so that you don't have to deal with financially at all. I think you have made alot of positive changes in your life lately. Good for you!

Hugs, Jo

brightlight

I meant for the law to deal with him. I do not think he should or any guy get away without paying support. Why should he get away with not paying to help raise his kids? He is not sending money, not babysitting, barely pays the babysitter, and nothing. I am not saying to do it to play games or get even, but right is right. Half that check was her's and would help take care of the kids. Just letting him get away with things I think is enabling and also hurts the other person's process of growing. Taking care of yourself and your kids is important and your self-esteem of not letting somebody walk on you. I guess if it were me I would leave far far away and that would make me feel I was in control, but staying and watching A just have no responsibilities while I had all of them would make me mad, but having to move away would not be a good thing either.

JessicaNAJ

I called my dad (who is a detective). His first response was "that's forgery. That's a felony." I told him I knew that, but I've signed his name on checks before in the past (with his verbal permission) so he could use that against me. I pretty much wrote it off when I realized it would be sent to his apartment....it's my own fault for not calling the State of Ohio sooner to have the check re-routed to my address. I'm honestly more bothered by the fact that he lied to me. I told my counselor this....she said he's probably lying to me every single time I've talked to him and probably has been lying for years too. I also mentioned that everytime I've caught him in a lie.....somehow he always managed to get me to doubt myself (he starts yelling and getting defensive and somehow manages to turn it on me to where I start feeling bad and at fault because of something I did/or didn't do.) She agrees that I need not put myself in a situation where I would get confused by his rantings. I was very proud to tell her that I did not let what happened effect my night with the kids and working on the project. The kids and I had fun and my son did a great job.

The future is inevitable...I don't believe he will admit he has a problem and I don't believe he will get help. Therefore, I don't think this marriage is going to last. I'm still dealing with the denial of that and not totally ready to admit it's over. My counselor told me that when I think of him...to tell myself "it's over". Maybe if I say it enough, it will be easier to accept.

When I think about the life he's living and the person he's become (or possibly always has been).....it makes me sick to my stomach. This is not the kind of lifestyle I find acceptable for me or the kids.

On one hand I tell myself that if this is the way he wants to live....sobeit....move one....Just file for divorce and be done with it. But, there is something nagging me in the back of my mind that keeps saying "give it more time".

I'm going to keep going to counseling every week until I figure this out.

JessicaNAJ

Duh moment...I just realized that even if I do divorce G, my problems won't go away. I believe I will still react to situations in the same manner. Maybe that is what the nagging is....maybe I need to come to terms with Jessie.

A while back....someone here asked me if I liked him. I don't like him. I don't like this person who appeared from the clouds over my eyes.

I don't like myself much either. But I'm working on that. I am the only one I can change. And I'm really really trying hard to do that. My entire life has been "how will this person react" or "what can I do to make this person happy" or "how can I fix this". It's time to REALLY put my focus on me.

brightlight

[QUOTE=JessicaNAJ]I called my dad (who is a detective).

HOW COOL!!! LOL.

[QUOTE=JessicaNAJ]I don't like myself much either. But I'm working on that.

I have felt the same and I have found exercising is really and I mean REALLY making me feel better about myself. I do not feel as down and I am cracking jokes with the kids and actually laughing some. I am lifting weights in the house and I have one of those Walk Away the Pounds tapes. I went to this website and just really got excited about lifting weights. http://www.bodyforlife.com/ The kids like to exercise too with me and we have been having fun on walks. Sometimes they walk with me and other times they ride their bikes. My A even joined the gym after listening to me talk and said, yeah, I need to get in shape too! He seems happy that he is going and our son has been picking the weights up and asked if he is bigger yet. LOL

LaTeeDa

I am in the same place with this. Although mine is making some attempts at recovery, I still believe that it is only because he wants things back the way they were, not because he seriously wants recovery. There is nothing wrong with giving it more time. You will be where you need to be when you need to be there. So will I. And, when you are ready, get all the information you need to make the best decision you can. For instance, my AH has never been reliable as far as meeting financial obligations, and I know many divorced parents who battle constantly over child support. So, in my case, I would probably try to negotiate me getting the equity in the house in exchange for him not paying child support. This way, it would be over as soon as the divorce is final and there would be no ongoing battles over him not paying up. And I would get a fair amount. This is just my situation, the point I'm trying to make is, there are many options in every situation. Take the time you need to discover the very best option for you. And keep taking the time to "come to terms with Jessie." That is the most important thing after all.

L

thirdtimer

I had a similar experience with the tax check. When I was divorcing my second husband took the tax return. I was angry - we had NOTHING and were living with my sister. I didn't do anything, but I deducted plane fare for a tiny part of it. If you are unwilling to pursue prosecution, you are right, you can't afford to get too mad. Deep breath. You have protected your money with your accounts. Keep up the good work.

As for the project, it can be a fun experience to do this with children. But it can be a nightmare (I'm on 4, 5 and 6 child now). One of mine is really bad with projects. I did a few for him because I felt so panicked about his grades. Then I sat and questioned what he wanted to do. The last one I did for him I asked what my grade was when he got it back. I too say to the children that I already passed that class and don't want to do it again. The last project I did with the hard child was pretty successful. I helped him lay out his instructions, make a plan with lots of questions, then sat with him when he did it. I took it out for a few days. He always waits till the last minute, but that time I didn't let him. By doing it over time he could put it away in between when he got frustrated. It was easier. One thing it did do was show him I care, but I won't do it for him. It also built on our relationship with lots of talking (to avoid the working at times for him) and discussion of his ideas. Good luck!!!

thirdtimer

Forgot one thing in last reply. You can get help from your Job & Family Services (I live in Ohio, too, so know the name of department). If you are income eligible - this would be your income alone since dad is not in home - you can apply for cash assistance (if you have any income at all this is unlikely), food stamps and medicaid. They will automatically refer you to Child Support Enforcement Agency to set up child support so they get their money back. Then THEY go to your children's father and make him pay by ordering child support. It takes a while, but it is helpful. It also takes the "bad guy" off you and puts on the agencies. If he doesn't pay, they can take HIS tax return in the future. Wouldn't this tick him off???

Live

Jessica, I think you are sounding great!!!!!!

This is just a by the way comment, no reference to your situation, ok?.........My exA that I nearly lost my mind over, I now find it hysterically funny all the lies and scheming he does, honestly it's better than a movie!...my sick sense of humor. Now that I no longer have any attachment or involvement it's all so ridiculous. Occasionally I feel sorry for him because all he has is such a pathetic life, but then he just keeps choosing it and getting into the "truth is stranger than fiction" stuff that he gets himself into. And from distance now, it is so unbelievable that it's hard to imagine somebody doing these things and believing themselves! Man, if he had ever put that intelligence and imagination into something good he would be famous. But he has made himself a bad joke. With help from me and without help from me. All still the same.

I have a poll in mind.......re:people ending relationships.....a couple of years later do most say: What took me so long? or I should have gave it more time? Or ????? what?

have a super great day!

live

JessicaNAJ

Thank you Live.....you have helped me more than you know.

CatsTail

Jessica,

If ever you were to go ahead and file for divorce everything financial would be dictated by the courts and then you would need to deal with him anymore over finances. Maybe just write this whole income tax thing off if you can and move on.

Obviosly by that phone conversation you talked about having he wants a reaction.

Don't react, no contact.

Ngaire

CatsTail

Sorry,

Correction: you wouldn't need to deal with him financially anymore.

Ngaire