BayouSelf

My AH and I split up four months ago and decided to work on our marriage while living separate and apart. It has been very tough trying to build trust issues with someone that you are no longer living with. However, with help from Al-Anon and my Higher Power, I've gotten through the last four months without much difficulty. My AH has been going to AA meetings and found a sponsor and he has been working his program and doing well. He's a new person and I'm so proud of him. The only thing is that I really believed that our marriage would work out if he got into recovery and now that he's got a little sense of independence and a little self esteem, he's not sure he wants to come home. I feel all this time, I've hung in there, been to hell and back and have hoped and dreamed of recovery for him and now that he has it, it doesn't look like he's interested in being married to me. When he was drinking, he used to beg and plead and would do anything to be with me? I guess now I'm not looking too great from a sober person's eyes? I've never been any closer to God than I have been in the last few months and I'm starting to wonder where God is now? I'm feeling very lost and lonely.

LaTeeDa

It's really early in both your recoveries to be making life changing decisions. Is it possible to just step back and see what happens? I've heard that early recovery for A's is a very selfish time. (Although mine refuses to go to AA, so I don't know first-hand) Maybe it is good that you are doing this initial work separately so that you can BOTH focus on yourselves. It will all work out in time if it was meant to be.

I know it is painful for you, but try not to lose sight of yourself, okay?

Oh, and BTW, welcome. This is a great place!

L

splendra

I like what ((((La Tee Da))) said about standing back and see what happens. Keep the focus on you... do for you...think for you... you you you you. Other than your H what do YOU want?

Zoey

Recovery is extremely hard, lots of confussion in emotions.
In AA they suggest strongly that no one make any changes till they have had a year at least in the program. Sinse it is a suggestion some pay no attention. Hopefully he will.
I am so glad you go to A-Anon, perhaps attend more meetings to keep busy. Also have you read some of the books suggested. HUGS

Irondoorknob

Early recovery is hard on everyone. And even though people are advised not to make big changes for at least a year, sometimes change happens. My AH decided he did not want to be married to me any more. He met someone in his treat ment program and has decided to make a life with her. It has devastated me.

But I realize that this decision was not really about me, it was really about him. I am working on regaining my self-esteem and trying to figure out what I want. It has been so long since I reflected on where I want MY life to go, I am taking the time to think about this.

It is difficult and sometimes it tears me apart. But I would be in pain no matter what. The disease of alcoholism has destroyed my family. It is up to me to put the pieces of myself back together, and hopefully, guide my children as they put thier lives back together. It will take time.

I wish you the best in your journey of self-discovery.

Goodandugly

If he is worth keeping then fight for him. Separation is just a long term breakup. If you want to stay together then you have to be together as one. You have the power to go after what you want. You do not have power over the outcome but you will never know if you don’t try. I lost my first wife and now my fiancée to AA preaching’s. They were both told that a marriage to an outsider could never work. They both made it to the 13th step. A family must stay together and work things out together. If you can afford professional counseling I suggest it. Use Alanon for what it is worth, a place to vent.

Stay strong and be yourself. Follow your heart...

I joined this board just to reply to your post. With my views I probalby wont last long. Take care of yourself first!

kotabear

The disease of alcoholism has destroyed my family. It is up to me to put the pieces of myself back together, and hopefully, guide my children as they put thier lives back together. It will take time.
By IronDoorKnob

I totally agree, I do not blame or hate my X spouse, I throw it all to alcoholism. My X has reached his six months and is wanting to leave, and return to society! He get's upset at me for the choices I have made in the crazy times. He thinks I haven't forgiven him. Yet the truth be know I've forgiven him, but I can not and will not forget what alcoholism has done to me, him, and our family, it tore us all apart.

My spouse needs to be selfish for his recovery, to a point. He tends to forget his obligation to his children with child support in a timely manner.

I think at the same time as well he forget's that my recovery doesn't work the same or at the same speed as his does! I believe mine will take longer, it's hard to open back up after someone with this diease has hurt you so much. I want to over come it, cause in my heart I do love him, and want us to be on good ground for our children, to have a happy health relationship with a sober happy father and happy mother.

As for finding "another person" I am certain that give it time, that is where my relationship with my X will head, even after countless talks of reuniting. I sadness me, cause my worst fear is he will turn out ok, and have a happy life with another, something he wasn't able to give to the girls and I. I fear I will be the old lady with all the cat's!

But I really hold onto what my dad told me one day at the kitchen table. That I have to go one with MY life, and make MY life happy for me, to be grateful and enjoy the people I do have in my life, and love them. I do show my love that I wish I could give my once husband to my children, I hold them tight and kiss, them when I feel I am alone, and let them know they are loved.

We all desire to love that someone, and have that someone love us back in a respectful loving way, sometimes people with this type of diease can't fullfill that honor, as one told me. As sad as that is to hear, we have to keep moving forward, and be grateful for what people God has given us, and not dwell on what God gave us for a glimpse!

I hope you make it threw your hard times, and TRUST ME you are NOT ALONE! I'm right beside you! ;-)

wanting

I came here posting the same thing a few months ago. At the time, I really wanted someone to tell me that my husband's feelings were temporary and that he'd come around. No one told me that, and it hasn't happened in my case. If I could give you one piece of advice, I'd say try as hard as you can to not have contact with him and focus on yourself. I know it is hard, but nothing you say or do will change anything, and it can only make things worse. Live your life as though you are moving forward and letting go. I have wasted so much time being wrapped up in my husband's problems. I've been in al-anon and therapy trying to work on myself, but I was so wrapped up in him that I was holding myself back. After his latest flip-flop on working things out, I've finally decided that it's time for me to take care of myself. Every time I see him, every time I hear his voice, it sets me back, so I can't do it anymore.

I am really sorry you are going through this. It's not fair, but you are not alone.

savingmaggie

The best thing is to use the No Contact Rule.....as much as possible have absolutely no contact with him.....this will allow you to slowly focus on you....hell maybe you won't want him back either once you start to develop your sense of self again....Alcoholics take take and take some more.....and we lose ourselves in the process.....concentrate on finding you again.

Recovery to many of us equals hope....but it can also seductively suck us right back in to a very damaged relationship with the hope things will change this time. The No Contact Rule can be found on various web sites and it works....no matter the outcome of your relationship....it will actually begin your healing if you just trust in it.

Take care and please do not give your power of self away to this man yet again....you're a beautiful woman deserving of a beautiful life.

Maggie

Many13

I am going through the same thing right now. Any words of wisdom???

AnvilheadII

welcome Many13 - this is a nine year old thread......perhaps you could start a new thread and introduce yourself to the group!? glad you found us!

trailmix

Hi Many,

As Anvil mentioned, this thread is very old.

If you want to know what else the original poster posted just click on her name (above her picture) then on view posters other posts.

She actually ended up having her Husband leave and divorced him.