Blondie

I would like to have some suggestions on how to handle a certain situation in my house. My husband is an alcoholic. Denies it though, refuses counseling because when he went to my counseler once she said he needed professional help and needed to join AA. He said he didn't need help and could "go it alone." He has done well so far and hasn't had a drink since a certain incident in April. He wrote a letter of apology stating that he was very sorry and would never drink again. This is the second letter he has written, he wrote the first one after his DUI. Now he wants the letter he wrote in April back so he can "revise" it. I don't want to feel I am in control of him so part of me wants to give it back, so he can make his own decisions and not rely on me to be his "anchor" as he calls me. Another part of me tells me that I should keep both letters in case we end up in divorce court (if they accept it as an admission that he is an alcoholic). This is a pickle for me and he is driving me crazy telling me I am ruining his "fun." I hate the feeling of pressure he is putting on me!!! I can't "win." If I give him the letter it is like giving him my stamp of approval to drink. If I keep the letter, I am ruining his "fun" and it makes me feel like his mother, not his wife!!!

Blondie

Oh, yes, I forgot to add. The first letter (the one after his DUI) just said that he would not "embarass" me like that again. He never promised in the original letter that he would not drink.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Blondie!

WOW! I have read this about a half dozen times and am straining like heck to imagine myself in this situation. I have gotten the "I never said thats", but I'll be switched if I can remember having any concrete proof of a statement and then being asked to disavow it. I guess my reaction is finally that he gave you his word, and whether or not you have the piece of paper to show that, he'll be breaking his word if he drinks. I believe I'd let him live with that. But he has to live with it with or without the letter, so there you are again. Actually I think I'd say some smart mouth thing like if he asked for it again I'd have it published in the local newspaper. That is not a recommendation, simply an admission that I still have a bit of a small minded mean streak. I think the most dumbfounding thing about this for me is imagining Dino actually giving his word that he wouldn't use. He has scrupulously avoided it. What a pickle!

Hugs!
Smoke

Gabe

laughing myself silly over Smoke's "newspaper publication", here is what I would do. And this is probably not the most pretty or concrete of advice. But if I were in your shoes I would tell him to take his letters and shove them. He wants to "revise" an apology? If I were you I would take a match to both letters in his presence. Words, be they written or verbal, can mean very little. It's what people do that I pay attention to, not what they say.
Oy, it seems I have a bit of a small minded mean streak myself.
Peace,
Gabe

matters

Hello Blondie!

The advice Smoke and Gabe gave is good. Now I on the other hand would do one more thing before burning the letters. I would make copies for myself. Then you've got the copies to keep for future reference and a possibility of using it for that newspaper artical of "To Keep My Word or Not Keep My Word, that is the Question." And then the grand finale of burning them in front of him, letting him think he is off the hook. I think I have too much of a mean streak in me.

You can have your proof,and he can have his Fun so to speak and you won't have to feel like you are playing his mother.

Just a thought, have a nice day,
matters

sugar52

dear blondie,
this is about you. do what you want to do. but make a copy just for nostalgia sake. this is about control, and he needs to think he's in control. this is a classic manuever designed to provoke anxiety and don't give it too much power. addicts and alcoholics never keep their word while they use.
i have been with my husband for 17 years now and i have every letter and card of apology and remorse that he ever wrote to me. i used to sit and cry and read them, i've thrown them at him, and clung to them and the broken promises for years. he also has all of the mean, nasty, accusing letters, or should i say novels that i composed each time for him. i don't think he even read some of them. he was always sorry and it was never gonna happen again and he could do it just with his will. ha ha. i've come to believe that his choices are his and no reflection on me. we get along so well, if i just let him alone. i told him so many times, i'm not your mother and thank god for that, i already have 6 kids and i don't need another one. the last time i said that to him, i immediatetly thought, "well, stop acting like his mom, and treat him like an accountable, intelligent man. just a thought and hope you can work thru how to handle this situation.
try not to give this letter more power than it really has. dui stays on record for divorce court if you needed it.
hugs and prayers from sugar