FaithChaser

Okay, learning about detachment here, trying not to control situations anymore. What is it that you do when you feel that twinge to control the situation? What is it that you do to detach? Just curious as to what others do!

Right now, I'm in my office pretending to do invoices. Taking care of myself while the ah is downstairs invited a couple to come over. They came in with a 12 pack of beer and I'm trying despritley to DETATCH from the situation. I'm exhausted due to working from 4:30pm-4:00am this morning, little sleep and amazingly not frustrated!!! YEY I think I'm learning but could use some ideas.

Thanks!!!!

HUGS!
~Faithchaser

robina

It is so very hard to detach when the alcoholism is under your roof and in your face 24-7.

You have left the room and you are keeping busy with some work.

I would say that is some pretty good detachment!

You are also reaching out here for support. Again, a very positive move on your part.

I might also suggest a nice hot bath, or perhaps go visit a friend, or maybe go shopping....

PS - remember to take a deep, calming breath, too.

StandingStrong

Detaching in my book means that I am not involved with the situation.
But take this with a grain of salt as I only do what works for me and am not real good with the "detaching with love" thing.
When I feel the need to control something - I control what I can. Whether that be a project that needs doing that will give me a sense of accomplishment - or whether that means controlling myself and doing something I need to do (such as in your case, you probably feel the need for sleep and relaxation).
And meanwhile, I am trying to keep reminding myself of my own recovery and that I matter.

I'm not in the situation where I live with an active A anymore. I also had put my foot down long ago about not having alcohol in my own. Occassionally, ah would bring it home (I think he was challenging me) but he got no enjoyment out of having it there because I disassoiciated myself basically. He knew I wasn't happy and therefore, it ended up sitting around a few weeks until he tossed it. Perhaps viewed as manipulation on my part by not readily accepting it - but it was one of my boundaries so to speak.
My point is, I haven't been in your situation for a very long time so what I said above about detaching, etc is what I do when I'm feeling the need to control other aspects of ah and my relationships.
Just trying to tell you how I handle it, not recommending my solution to you.
I find that different things work for different people.

Personally,at this point (having worked 3rd shift for many years) I'm guessing you need to go get some sleep.

cwohio

FC - glad to see you back posting. i wasn't good either at the detaching with love bit. i focused on other things (as you are doing) or physically left the house when i had to. if you're tired (one of the HALT things) that can cause problems. sounds lke you need to do for yourself and call it a night.

quietsins

detaching... yeah.... tough stuff.

I always knew I had to attach when I heard myself saying "if you would just do...." whatever.

And it took a long time for me to realize that was controlling and I needed to separate myself from it.

For me it was walking. I struggle with my weight and walking is calming, good for me, and I dont get in anybodys business when I am doing it.

I also started working on my thesis paper. I was going to school to better myself, taking time to prepare a brighter future than my present, and involving myself in something that required using my brain for thoughts of a good not destructive nature.

Sounds to me like you are doing a good job at detaching. For me detaching at first felt like velcro... a ripping sound with lots of jerking, now its like jello... just let it slide on by.

quietsins

FaithChaser

Well, I did manage to do my own thing regardless of what was going on around me. I did notice how as the night went on how stupid they all got. I did my best to take care of myself and not be rude, said I needed to do some paperwork upstairs.

I think as long as my motivation is to take care of myself, not to manipulate, I'm fine. I did notice the longer I was around in the area of the drinking, my natural reaction was to lash out toward the ah in a "joking" manner. I only did it once and the couple that came to visit gave me a look of major disapproval. Aw well, I don't have this thing perfected just yet. If I wasn't so exhausted I'd had planned to be somewhere else, I didn't even know they were coming. I kind of always feel like I put a damper on the party. Like I'm supposed to entertain. Wonder what that's all about?

Now we're leaving to go out of town, there will be nothing but drinking around me. Las Vegas...Thank God for my ipod, I can disappear anywhere I go! I have Co-Dependent No More on it, it'll help.

Thanks again for being there for me!
~FaithChaser