paula a.

I joined SR almost two years ago. I was lost, the child of alcoholics, the granddaughter of an alcoholic, and finally the wife of an alcoholic. For a time I grew stronger, I read everything on the subject I could get my hands on. I realized that I needed to take care of me for things to fall into place in my world. I set boundaries, I took time for me, I flat out refused to give in to my codependant tendancies. I thought that I had it all figured out, that I could live with my AH and still life could be good. Then AH got sick. He was scared and didn't have a drink for two months. Not drinking did not give us the perfect relationship that you think lies underneath the booze, but it was wonderful none-the-less. No fear, no drunken rages, no smell of stale beer throughout the house. The good father that I knew was there emerged, as did a nearly perfect husband.
I admit it, I slipped, I let my guard down, I believed this was it...of course he drank. Now his rages are closer and closer together and much nastier than they have been.
For everyones safety, I have finally made the decision to leave. I know it is the right thing. I have been quietly lining things up for a month now, because I have felt his anger building.
For those of you that have made it out of this situation, how did you make yourself take that final step out the door? I know I have to, I know I can make it without him. I just am starting to hear the codie in the back of my head buzzing and I don't know how to shut her up.
Help!
Paula

minnie

(((Paula)))

How did I take that last step? Hmmm, I think I finally realised that a) things weren't going to get any better anytime soon and b) I was worth so much more.

It really helped me to take a huge step back from the daily drama and see that there was a world out there I was missing out on because of the chaos on my own house. I was right, too. The world does not revolve around an alcoholic, much as they want it to.

Good luck. Lean on us whenever you want.

splendra

I think you sound like you are doing pretty good. Do you have a place to go? Do you know when you intend to go? I would think that covering these bases would pretty much set the ball rolling. I don't think you should discuss it too much with your H though cause he maybe able to talk you out of going...

Gabe

Paula, my dear friend.
Your best self is showing you the right way to go.
That is not always the easy way to go, but we know when it is right.
Tell Codie Girl that you appreciate her input and that you know that you have lessons to learn from her.
But it's your best self that you need to be listening to right now.
Love, hugs and light from me to you.

denny57

I also made my plans for a month. I took the last steps by literally just putting one foot in front of the other. If this makes sense - I was not sure that I was doing the right thing (fear) but I absolutely knew I had to do it. So I did. Three months later I am so glad I did; yet still not sure it was right. This is one crazy disease!

paula a.

I am secretly working on buying my grams house, so soon I will have my own place...I have no timetable other than soon. I have a tiny reprieve as he is working a boatload of overtime for the next few weeks (no time to drink). So I won't see him too much. I gave him one last and final chance to take responsibility for his actions...he didn't.
I'm sad and angry and excited all at once and it is so damn overwhelming.

Gabe

Your Gram's house?
Now that is the power of the divine feminine at work if I have ever seen it.
I am so sure that you are moving in the right direction.
I'm having big positive thoughts for you Paula.

cwohio

yeah, i was at that same place - didn't get a chance to leave as husband passed away. no words of wisdom - hang in there - by planning you are in the right mindset. *shhhh - codie girl - hush up!*

minnie

Yeah, I gave the last and final chance (after many other "last chances"!!) and he blew it. And that was on him. To this day he is bitter about it, but it is water off a duck's back to me. (actually, isn't he the duck?)

Minnie's top tip - there is no need for further discussion about the whys and wherefores. "I've made my decision. You know why." is enough.

Gabe

Good tip Minnie.
I think most of us know how pointless discussion can be.
Especially with people who aren't interested in listening to how we feel about things.
Most of the time it's better to just say what you have to say using as few words as possible.

paula a.

Do you mind if I put that on a T-shirt? It may have to be my new slogan!

jojo

Paula -

Here is a tip from one who has been there. Plant firmly in your mind how much better it will be once you are gone. Picture your new home and where you will place your furniture or painting the walls a particular color. How about some new plants? Where will they go? Picture curling up in bed with a good book. Imagine the peace and quiet and sense of well being. You can see your new life that way and you know that you can achieve it. Keep this picture is your head all of the time. It may only be in the back of your mind but make sure you can always find it.

It sounds like you have made the right decision for you. I have never regretted making that decision. I hope that all goes well as you start your journey into your new life.

Hugs, Jo

mushroom

The way I managed that last step was to tell myself it was only for 6 months, while I decided what to do. I was pretty sure I wouldnt' want to go back. But on the other hand I had no assurance he wouldn't die or go into long term rehab. He was in such bad shape when I left he could have died at any time. So I made all the plans financially and signed a short term lease on a house and told myself, it's only for 6 months! then I can go back IF I WANT TO.

Of course it only took a month or two to get used to not having him around anymore. That 6 month lease was really the best idea. Not permanent, but long enough to regain my sanity. It being temporary was what kept the codie quiet.

paula a.

It is so odd that you posted this Jo...I woke up this morning and those exact things were in my head, right down to where new patio doors will go and where my computer will sit. Must be someones way of reinforcing that I am doing the right thing, huh?

I am tormented about how all of this will effect my son, but I know the alternative is much worse. And I am terrified of how this will all play out with my husband, he is not going to like how this is going to end up. All my life I have given in to the fear and what ifs, and it's going to be very strange to not have this tightness in my chest everyday.

Thanks everyone for all of your love and support.
Paula

pmaslan

Paula...you have been given so much good advice, love and support already.
I just wanted to say, I have been there too.
He has been gone 8 months now and the serenity in my home is unbelievable.
It is a hard step but when you look at the alternative, it makes the most sense.
Hugs to you....