Digits101010

My SO is not actively drinking. In fact he's been not drinking for 9 years. Been without a sponsor [he's in AA] for over a year.

I am always wrong. I have feelings about something and I am *beating him up.* If I don't talk to him about my feelings and go internal I am *beating him up.* I am always beating him up and harming him. I have gotten myself into such a hole with him that I will never get out. I remember when I was his dream woman and we watched a movie yesterday - and I think it was so appropriately timed - in which the character says "The problem with getting your dream girl is that you discover they're real."

We used to stay up and philosophize and talk deeply and just laugh [this would be about a year ago when we were not living together]. He says that it's not me...but it's my "behaviors." Yet, I've tried all sorts of ways to alter them for him and they're still wrong.

So last night I made the proclamation that I would be leaving. Now I am scared:

-- Scared he doesn't care and never did - that I wasted a year of my life trying hard to be his trophy.

-- Scared that the year I just lived out was wasted.

-- Thank god I am NOT scared of being alone but AM scared he'll never realize how great of a person I really am.

I am sad he wants me to change so badly and that I'd accomodate if I do stay - or at least try to. I know I am in a bad relationship for me when everyday my mantra has become "I am a good person worthy of kindness."

I would like some help. Because I am so scared right now in how to do this I just do not know what to do first. I would be leaving this state to go back to my parents. I am scared that if I do not get a plan of action I will stay and lose myself.

I just divorced a man [ just like him ] last year after being together 8 years *for* this man because his "representative" promised me he was different. I do not want to waste another 7 years on the same lesson because I am scared to take the necessary action. What kept me in the relationship with the ex was the fear of harming my animals. [He let one die and humane society had been called on my dog for malnourishment so that fear went realized.] This relationship offers only the fear of not knowing what to do first.

Help me please. I am so tired of being codependent.

mcoop5282

Codie--
Wow, I can relate to what you've shared. The only thing I can offer is my experience, strength & hope.... and two years ago this month was a huge turning point in my life. I was sitting in the car with my mom after a shopping trip (as shopping was 1 of many ways I self-medicated away my pain). I shared with her my despair in my marriage... how could I continue to go on like this, but how could I give up?? It was the first time I allowed myself to entertain separation/divorce as an option....

And I remember how scared I was to voice this out loud to my husband... when I did, he first asked if there was someone else... there wasn't, but that's the only way he could understand it, I guess. It hadn't been the first time I'd expressed how 'I couldn't live this way' but somehow (I know now it was truly God's grace that held me together) I held on....

I began to realize that my ego / pride kept me from admitting even to myself that my marriage wasn't working. I got into counseling and began to realize that I didn't have a 'self' my identity was all caught up in this perfect marriage with the great kids... but it was all a facade. I had to get sick and tired of it... and really into a despairing place... in order for me to begin to let go of control.

Anyway, all I can say is to keep on trusting your gut and asking for help. For me it was a one step at a time process and I found counseling, connecting with my spirituality, and eventually getting into recovery myself to be really important keys in my journey... but the first real step was my own willingness to admit that I had a problem AND that I was completely incapable of handling it on my own.

Thanks so much for sharing!
Warmly,
Michelle

FriendofBill

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

My 12 step recovery is the solution to my codie-ness. Highly recommend it.


It sounds your SO is a dry drunk ie: abstinent without emotional sobriety. When an AA does not work the program ( no sponsor for a year is NOT working the program), he is bound to begin an emotional relapse and return to old behavioral patterns such as blaming, denying, irresponsibility, anger etc.

In the disease, they always blame, criticize, lash out at others. Its called self-centeredness. It will never stop until he become sober again. My former husband did exactly the same, strayed from AA, went dry for 2 years, and now has admitted to drinking again. Our relationship and that of our son, has been destroyed. I am recovering from it, slowly, but ever so surely, and Al anon, for me, is the only way I could have done it.

THere is help, there is hope, but there must be willingness. If you've got it, we're help to help.

Remember, its NOT your fault, and you must NOT change to meet someone else's needs as they demand.

Keep coming back!

mallowcup

Any change is easier when you are convicted about it. Sometimes we make changes or attempt to because we think we should but our heart isn't really in it. I would sit myself down and decide what I want for my life, what are my boundaries, what am I going to do about it? Sometimes we have to very matter-of-factly face our problems. When you believe in your self and repesct yourself and the steps you are taking make sense, you actualy gain energy by walking out the solution.

MamaGoose

Hi digits,

I've been where you are and I DID waste 9 years with an addict who blamed me for everything. I constantly tried to please him then realized that I never could.

There are givers and there are takers. I was the giver, he took and used me as his safety net. It took a year to get him out of my house because he had to find another safety net (which he did).

Your plan to go to your parents sounds like a good one. When I went home and really looked at my parents, I realized where my original thoughts about relationships came from and they weren't healthy.

Don't stay and lose yourself. You are worth so much more than that. I've been reading Melody Beattie's "Beyond Codependency" and that has helped.

Good luck and stay strong.

harleygirl92156

Reading your post made me really sad.

Please don't work to change yourself to suit someone elses ideal of what you should be like. Instead find someone who loves you for who you are and just the way you are.

princess9282001

I agree with harleygirl. Be yourself girl. Ive been there done that and wont ever do that again. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. Keep us posted and we all pullin for ya.

TRISH1011

A year, sweetie, is better than 7 years.

Digits101010

All of you --> Thank you.

It was so good to come on here and hear such gentle and kind responses. I was validated in being okay with who I am. I have Melody Beattie's books and I utilize them from time to time but sometimes it's like I want so badly for him to change that, without thinking, I go into changing ... or at least pretending. And I do this with the goal of his being okay with me. What inadvertently happens is that I end up loathing myself when even *that* wasn't good enough. Had never occurred to me to just let him be angry when I am myself.

It's like I want to be myself and then I want him to be okay with all aspects of me. That's not realistic and I came into acceptance of that last night. [One day at a time.] It occurs to me I need to get okay with the aspects of his him I do not like - and one of them is that he may dislike some of my actions /behaviors /responses /reactions /etc. Why do I want to need to get okay with some of his less than charming traits? Because when I fell in love with him - I fell in love even with the traits I did not like.

This is how the 12 steps of Codependency help me. When I get okay with me, I am okay with people around me. I do believe it starts and ends with me. If I am mad because someone does not like a trait in me, okay. But if I then attempt to change that trait to make "them" okay - my motives suck, it won't work, I may get resentments and it may kill our relationship.

I want to be the sort of person who is okay with your having a problem with some part of me. I want to not put so much stock in in. I want to be able to acknowledge your worth as a person about your feelings, withOUT my ever-ready attitude of "i'll change that."

I have to live with me daily. I <b>am</b> a good person and I have a lot of desirable qualities, cute perks, and lots pf personality. I like me being me today. I want to continue to be genuinely okay when/if someone else does not like the same qualities in me I have come to accept or even like.

I swear I believe that when I start *trying to change to please someone* I will end up angry at myself and that will end up manifesting onto them. I will blame them and become miserable and confused and writhing in pain.

Not to invoke Dr. Phil here [i lied...because i am going to :-) ] but he said in a counseling session one time to a newly married couple that the baggage from their past marriages will live out again in this relationship because you do take yourself with you. So when I said my current SO is just like my ex...I was living that out. I fully believe - in my less neurotic times - that people are our mirrors. The two are nothing alike BUT my codie ways I did bring from him to this one. I have been sober longer than I have been in recovery from codependency and I falter easily...and so fast that I did not notice when I did it.

So I notice patterns. In a new relationship I believe you could not possibly care for me as I really am. Oh you don't like that? Ok. Let me change that one real quick for ya. Feeling good? Oh no? Ok. Let me change that one. Better yet?

Thank you for listening. My SO and I had a decent talk last night. He kindly told me what he thought where our problems were. My sponsor - I got together with her last night - thinks that if we love each other, we do have a chance. She kept whispering to me and hugging me as I was crying into her fuzzy purple jacket : "Digits needs to be Digits no matter what." There was freedom in that. Freedom in knowing I am accepted as being me for me. It was a pleasant surprise to know that from my SO last night he really DID fall in love with me for being me. I also let HIM know it doesn't matter if I dislike a quality he has. I asked him that if I don't like it, and if I express it, it does not mean he needs to change it!

We're both recovering alkies and [at risk of speaking for him] we're both codependent. I think the great dream of mine [speaking from the codependent angle] is that if I can just get someone molded as my perfect fit and just so then I will be okay/good/happy. That's a big codependent lie. [Like the great dream of the alcoholic is to drink normally. That, too, is a lie. It will never happen. Not if you're alcoholic.] My happiness is a result of my spiritual condition. When my spiritual condition is on the inside, it will manifest to the outside and no matter who/where you are, I AM okay/good/happy.

The 12 steps help me with that and you people help me see that.
Many hugs to all of you and thank you!
You have all blessed me during my time of sadness, angst and confusion.

Love,
Digits