equus

There's a couple of things coming up that I want to get myself in a good position not to worry about. They seem like toughies to me.

Two of my best friends had their birthday last week - on the same day, so there's always a joint 'do'. This year one of them was taken abroad as a surprise so the 'do' is yet to happen. They've been lovely compromising with D and I, we've had a few meals now no booze but this is THEIR do for THEIR day and they want a meal out then the pub. Of course we're invited, D said he wants to go and when I told him I had mixed feelings about it last night he said we could miss it if I want but I know that's not the answer. Stupid details pass through my mind like whether we can get out of buying in rounds and just get our own. D says he'll have to deal with it if he ends up having to buy other people's beer. I feel icky!! I feel sad and I don't know why, more sad than really fear or worry.

The other thing is his first unavoidable over night stop is coming up with his work - it's the other side of the UK and he'll have to begin work at 9am. He can't drive down on the day. It's something that was identified by his doc and counsellor as an issue - him seeming very robust but not being when he's on his own. D has planned to stop at a Travel Lodge looking for one with no bar, take lots of nibbly treats with him and spend the night on the phone to me. D's strongpoint has never really been planning though!! He's had some nightmares where he's drunk in the last week, he says it was the drinking that makes it a nightmare but they're something new, I know they're normal just horrid. I am worried about the overnight stop, he's said I can go with him but that doesn't feel like the right answer (I THINK).

I don't think worry is part of love - most people (including me) don't like being worried about so it hardly seems a very loving thing to do. Worry and icky feelings won't change anything.

I feel this sort of thing far less now - but both the overnight stop and the birthday plans came up yesterday and I don't want just trundle down this depressing street, crystal ball in hand!!

sunshine003

Those are toughies. I'd feel a bit sad also. Why not go to dinner but skip the pub? I'm not sure how to not worry, I suppose we are supposed to look at it for what it is. Of course you are going to have your reservations,just realize you can't control the outcome. When he is away, you'll have to trust that he's going to do whatever he's going to do and hopefully that will be to make the right choices.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you, you'll get through it. Hopefully someone will have some words of wisdom.

Gabe

Great post in the Naranon forum about this very subject...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...acy-84897.html

equus

That looks like a good thread but there's not much I can add to it right now.

On top of the above my Mum's just rang to arrange a birthday meal for us (3 members of my family all in the same week in Feb!). She asked if it would be difficult if they drank - and used the 'A' word!! I don't think there was any mal-intent at all - quite the opposite but I know D's Mum has been writing 5 page long letters to my Mum, and my Mum is the last person on earth I trust with sensitive info. She knew before but there's some big changes a foot - last year she gave D a bottle of whiskey for chrimbo!!

Can I just point out the above HASN'T HELPED!!! The idea of my Mum trying to be helpful is slightly more frightening than her being mean - she hasn't had much practice at it over the years and doesn't take even small failures well!!

goffredo

I think it's natural to worry considering the circumstances but what you can do with this feeling is to acknowledge it but not let it control you. One thing at a time. You are powerless over people, places and things and you always have a choice and so has D. If you talk it through it with him and both feel uncomfortable about the whole friend's night out, why not just go out for dinner?

Night away - Travelodge: is he saying that you can go with him because you're worried or because he could do with your company and support? In the first case, it wouldn't help very much, but in the second case, if it's him asking for support, why not?

Family gathering: again, you cannot control what other people do or how they behave but you can decide what you want to do. I guess you want to go to this event as it is your family, if they want to drink there's nothing you can do (maybe you could ask them not to be pushy with D when he says no to alcohol) and relax and enjoy the dinner and can agree with D that if it gets too much for me, to let you know and you ca both leave at any time.

This is my opinion, take what you like and leave the rest. I have been in similar situations and they have been a big test for my partner's sobriety and for my desire to control and alter the course of events. I respect her enough to let her decide what she wants to do in any given situation. I was lucky she was honest enough with me to tell me (at a friend's birthday party): "Shall we go now please, it's getting to much" and we left, we simply said we had to go. Once we went to Italy together to see my sister and brother-in-law and they didn't know and still don't know that my partner is an alcoholic/addict. When they naturally offered a glass of wine with dinner my partner said no and so did I (it's my choice, I don't feel happy to drink in front of her) they were surprised as the time before (before recovery) we went there and both enjoyed a glas of wine. i said she was on some medication and could not have alcohol. it ended there.

Worrying not part of love: I find sometimes that if I analyse things too much i get stuck. it might not be part of love but it's part of being human: don't be too harsh on yourself. i hope it helps. Love Jo

goffredo

Sorry about the spelling mistakes... I am at work and I was rushing! ;-)

Zoey

I think I would go along for the overnight. This sounds like a very good job he has, and I would hate to see any mess up. Any personal setback for D, or any thing about the job.
I myself hate first time things and feel better if someone along. Someone along then I don't worry about every little thing. Would be sorta fun. Just my thought.

equus

Thanks Goffredo!

Yeah, there are practical things we can do just most of them have some skin crawl factor! I don't know if it's cultural but assertive/rude is a very fine line round our way. Things like leaving a family meal early would cause a fair bit of drama - most of that would be out of our control!!

On the upside there's nothing saying there will be any reason to leave.

I think D wants me to go with him more for support but there's other complications with that - complications being the right word as it's complicated!! Neither me nor D know how much he's reliant on me, both of us want him not to be - BLAH!! That side of things is more than just the booze and it'll derail the thread trying to explain.

Point is stuff's coming up - I want to face worry head on till heart, mouth and actions come into line, 'cos until then it's gonna be icky!!

gelfling

In the early months of sobriety for our son, we tried to avoid situations that involved alcohol. Even if it included family. It's really tough. Now, 13 months later, he is able to go into a restaurant that serves booze, but prefers to sit on the far side of the bar. Like Sunshine said, I too like the idea of a fine meal with them and excuse yourselves to go home when pub hopping starts. They've been with you guys through all of this and will understand. They've been the best.

I would go with D...my opinion. What's wrong with a little emotional support for the first time venture out of town. He's taken some large steps in the last few months on his own. This is big issue for him and it doesn't necessarily totally revolve around alcohol. You don't throw a person out of a boat and say swim. You go slowly and building up confidence. The dreams of drinking seem to be pretty normal from what I hear from my son. He even made the statement the other day after a particularly long and exhaustive rehearsal that he needed a drink than freaked out because he said that.

Mum...Only you know your mother... Makes me ask why so much focus has to be put on the alcoholic/booze when it's a dinner party. You're going to eat, not drink. Went through that years ago when hubby quit. We came to the conclusion that it wasn't out of respect for him not drinking, but purely evil reasons in the long run. Badgering him to have "just 1 drink"..."you can do it"..."one's not going to hurt"... It started the minute we walked in the door and it was a constant battle for him. We stopped going to the places where alcohol was being served. Had to. We were told when he went to rehab that this would happen. Non-acceptance of their dependency on alcohol. And if they got him to drink, it proved they didn't have a problem.

Aquiana

I think you should go with him too. Not just to be there, but have some fun. Maybe turn it into a nice romantic night away. It's almost Valentines Day after all. As far as the pub thing is concerned, I don't know why people would expect you to pay for drinks if you aren't having any. I would just say you're out on the rounds. If I went out for supper with a group and didn't eat, I don't think they'd expect me to pay for their dinner. Beer and dinner is expensive and I wouldn't be paying if I didn't have any.

equus

The nightstop was supposed to be the 21st of Feb but he'd double booked it with his CPN appointment so now needs to change it. I think we need to perhaps talk about that more between us - it's really is very fresh, it only came up yesterday. It's a very difficult area because he needs his confidence to be independant too.

I'm thinking at the moment we'll just go for the meal not the pub but again I need to really see how D feels, that's not alsways easy because he's hard line that he SHOULD just cope. Buying in rounds is like an act of generosity so in a sense the less you drink the more you offer, but with everyone trying to do the same there's a duty to do likewise back. I think we would feel the lack of offering a round more than friends would mind - same vice versa. If we tried to opt out they would be extremely uncomfortable not buying for us JUST because we weren't buying back. For years it's been about trying to offer the most not least, but with everyone doing the same.

I think my Mum is being straight up - but hell that ain't gonna be her strong point as it's something rather new. My biggest fear is that if she feels like she's put her foot in it she'll go back to doing a doozey so that she can resort to a tearful apology when it goes wrong! What I know is that I don't trust her, if she feels under pressure she becomes more aware of how to make herself feel better at any cost. She has a way of REALLY hurting people. I actually (don't ask me how - I surprised myself!!) managed to sensitively make it very clear where my loyalties and boundaries lie - a complete dogs chance, one doozey and that's it - I'll cut them off.

Okay - I'm getting a bit more perspective now. I've got to split the (NOW 3!!!) things rather than seeing a lump of 'icky!!

stupid

I am trying to reach info on how to detect the use of crack. My friend of two years left on New Year's Eve and never came back. He won't talk to me or see me. He is living with a woman that is about three blocks from me and is similiar to him in life style. Drinks and smokes, and maybe does the crack also. She has control of him and he isn't like that. She tells him he can't talk to somebody and pushes him around. It is so different. He knew I suspected he was doing crack and I was checking on him. I do have conformation that he is doing the drug. He bought $600 in one night.

equus

Stu, I'm glad you posted and welcome to SR but I think your post might get lost in here!

At the page back from this where the topics are listed there's a button at the top called 'New Thread' if you click on it and paste in what you've written here you'll get much more response than if it's hidden under another subject.

Also you're welcome here totally but teh Nar-Anon forum might be able to help you a bit more - perhaps worth a try?

susane1408

No words of wisdom here, think my brain is fried from working for a living for a change!
I think you'll do the right things for you and D once you've mulled it over and weighed up the pro's and con's.
I do understand your feelings about the night away and D's newfound but fragile confidence though. Thats a hard one.
And talking of Mothers! Here's Phil; 20yrs an alcoholic, with a Mother whose been an enabler, provoker, martyr and had a go at " letting go & let God" with not much success. Her son has a successful 6 months without alcohol and she decides to get champagne, wine and beer to go with our Christmas lunch!!
Well; as you know he slipped up before we got to go so we didn't have to deal with it but Phils Mum was so disappointed that she'd gone to all that trouble for nothing!!

pmaslan

I do understand your concern over the overnight trip. As you read in my earlier
post I have concerns about my ex traveling extensively in his new job....your concerns are valid in my book. If you feel comfortable going along, then I say go with.

I agree with all that said to leave after dinner, everyone will understand perfectly.

equus

All I can say is

I LOVE HIM!!! BUCKETS, OOODLES, TONS!!!

Problem one the party with friends - we're going for the meal but giving the pub a miss.

Number 2 - the overnight stop. Right now he feels confident but he's said he'll give it a bit more thought and will ask me if he's unsure.

Problem number 3 - MY MOTHER!! I told him about the telephone conversation and at first he was a bit taken a back but then it sank in that if she hadn't found out already, from my response she's going to know now.

D's response??? Wait for it...











































"Okay - When wine comes up Ill just say to your mother to stab me with a fork if I make a lunge across the table for the bottle!!"

I love him!!

gelfling

ROFLMAO.... Good one!!! I bet you do think he's wonderful.

equus

Well put it this way - he earned himself salmon fillet baked in butter and dill, with apsargus, baby sweetcorn, watercress and mustard mash!!!

And I'm still chuckling!!

JessicaNAJ

Equus....I never really know what to say to your posts....but I think you are awesome!!! and so is D!!

You two are definately two lucky individuals....

Zoey

What is mustard mash???
Lv Ya