Sad night *sigh*
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clancy, pick, TG & teach - your words will help me heal. i thank you all for letting me get my feelings out as i am feeling them. i feel like i was a selfish, uncompassionate, cold witch. i know self-hatred will not help and is unproductive. just telling it like it is right at this moment.
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aww sunshine - you gonna kick my butt? LOL i feel what i feel at this moment. i feel like a gave all my compassion to everyone else but to the person i married. maybe it's because of the way it ended. leaving the house that day - hurt and angry - angry at the disease that was robbing me of my husband. hurt that i had to detach physically like that. still doesn't feel very compassionate to me.
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God FOB - don't know how i could inspire anybody with all this crap going on in my head right now. somehow typing out the feelings helps - it seems to be the best way for me to deal. i feel like a little kid that "messed up" somehow and am being "punished". da*n ACOA issues suck - still got a lot to work on in the "loving myself" arena!
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its hard to have full blown compassion when you are living in it 365/24/7....and i would venture to say in any tough situation,not just alcoholism.
you stayed with him,by him, far beyond and above YOUR own comfort zone,im sure. had it been the other way around,im sure he would be having these very same moments.
your just in a rainstorm at the moment,youll find the sun again soon.
you stayed with him,by him, far beyond and above YOUR own comfort zone,im sure. had it been the other way around,im sure he would be having these very same moments.
your just in a rainstorm at the moment,youll find the sun again soon.
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i hear what you're saying sunshine - thanks for that. i can only go forward from today and work on having more compassion in the future for whatever person needs it. praying for sunshine in my heart tomorrow! (())
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It wasn't your fault. It wasn't because you left the house that day, whether you had stayed or gone you can't prevent physical damage done. Leaving when you were angry is the most compassionate thing to do, it does effect how we act.
I believe it's very likely that there is a point where the area of the brain needed to fight addiction gets to damaged to break the cycle. A part of the brain that can be damaged with no impact on IQ, seemingly no reduction in usuable intelligence, nothing to declare the damage done. That's my best guess with what I've learned. For me it's well enough evidenced and importantly to my way of thinking also fits with stories told over and over again. That sense of confusion, the sense of desire a person can have to quit, attempts that are real action and yet it returns. If I'm right then it's also a part of the mind that holds social behaviour and impulse inhibition.
I remeber you posting about seizures when your husband tried to quit alone, Christie - you cared so much, so absolutely there's no way you lacked compassion to the man you married. You thought so carefully about what was right to do, wanted all information - even my very irrelevent input, you gave every ounce of care to what was right. That is NOT lack of compassion.
Even if I am right to believe there can be a time where a person has damamged too much of brain functions needed to quit to be able to succeed, there's still no way I could know if that was true with your hubby.
But it sounded severe and chronic, just a hunch based on that there was a time of heavy drinking young and IF it was true of your hubby maybe that same impulse reducing self care part of the brain being harmed meant he just chose to sleep. Maybe sleep seemed like such a good idea, just to close his eyes, and sleep - maybe with emotions numbed there was no sadness, just wanting some sleep in the here and now. IF he had got to a point where he was never going to get better, which I think is certainly possible perhaps it was the one and only favour that the damage already done could do for him, to make sleep seem like a good idea.
I know you've written often imagining what happened but that's always hard to do. Instead of causing harm you left for a while and that CERTAINLY did not cause him harm, maybe he just wanted to go to sleep.
It wasn't your fault.
I believe it's very likely that there is a point where the area of the brain needed to fight addiction gets to damaged to break the cycle. A part of the brain that can be damaged with no impact on IQ, seemingly no reduction in usuable intelligence, nothing to declare the damage done. That's my best guess with what I've learned. For me it's well enough evidenced and importantly to my way of thinking also fits with stories told over and over again. That sense of confusion, the sense of desire a person can have to quit, attempts that are real action and yet it returns. If I'm right then it's also a part of the mind that holds social behaviour and impulse inhibition.
I remeber you posting about seizures when your husband tried to quit alone, Christie - you cared so much, so absolutely there's no way you lacked compassion to the man you married. You thought so carefully about what was right to do, wanted all information - even my very irrelevent input, you gave every ounce of care to what was right. That is NOT lack of compassion.
Even if I am right to believe there can be a time where a person has damamged too much of brain functions needed to quit to be able to succeed, there's still no way I could know if that was true with your hubby.
But it sounded severe and chronic, just a hunch based on that there was a time of heavy drinking young and IF it was true of your hubby maybe that same impulse reducing self care part of the brain being harmed meant he just chose to sleep. Maybe sleep seemed like such a good idea, just to close his eyes, and sleep - maybe with emotions numbed there was no sadness, just wanting some sleep in the here and now. IF he had got to a point where he was never going to get better, which I think is certainly possible perhaps it was the one and only favour that the damage already done could do for him, to make sleep seem like a good idea.
I know you've written often imagining what happened but that's always hard to do. Instead of causing harm you left for a while and that CERTAINLY did not cause him harm, maybe he just wanted to go to sleep.
It wasn't your fault.
oh and a box of chocolates too! :Valolate: You deserve 'em!
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